Post by Rob Diamond on Sept 18, 2017 3:14:18 GMT
{ We open to the sound of a heart monitor beeping in the darkness. A form lays dormant in a stark white bed, arms and legs held up in slings, the entire body of the man wrapped in a cast. }
Randy: Jesus Christ…
{ Randy *REDACTED* stands in the doorway in a black hoody holding one of those water bottles for athletes with the retractable straw most likely filled with Jack Daniels and a splash of Coke to give it that black color. }
Randy: What did that monster do to you?
{ Randy plopped down hard on the armchair beside the bed of the mummified man whose head was wrapped as well. Randy took a long deep suck from the bottle he held and sighed as he leaned back in the chair. }
Randy: Why did you agree to that match, Happy? I told you Nighthawk was going to do this to you. He’s a goddamn machine! And you? You’re just… Well… A clown…
{ Randy seemed truly upset as he pulled the chair closer to the bed, taking another slug of his drink as he reached over to caress the bandaged head of the man. }
Randy: You never should have been out there Happy! You never should have stepped in the ring with Nighthawk! Why did you do it!?
{ Randy pounds the chest of the bandage wrapped man and lets out a scream of internal pain. The heart monitor next to the bed starts going crazy as the man in the bed begins to shake and convulse. Randy pops out of the chair in shock. }
Randy: What the fuck!?
{ The body begins to shake violently and the heart monitor beeps insanely fast as Randy looks all around. }
Randy: HELP!!!
{ Randy moves franticly around the bed as nurses pour into the room. }
Nurse: What happened!?
Randy: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… He just started shaking!
{ Randy drops the bottle and kicks it under the curtain behind him and under the other bed in the room. }
Nurse: He’s flat lining! Ge the doctor in here!
{ Randy looks on in terror as the beeps turn into one long beep that never seems to end. Randy is boarder line near tears as he backs up against the curtain separator. }
Randy: Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ!
Nurse: Sir, you need to calm down.
{ The Doctor rushes in and starts checking all the stats. }
Doctor: We need a defib, stat!
{ Randy grips the side of his head as backs up further and stumbles through the curtain and falls face first into the naked crotch of a large naked man as the entire medical staff look on in horror. }
Happy: RANDY!?
{ Randy looks up from the shriveled turtles head to the painted face of the smiling Mr. Happy. }
Randy: Happy?
Happy: Randy!
Doctor: Would you put some goddamn clothes on! We’ve got a man dying here!
Randy: Oh shit! Sorry!
{ Randy pulls the curtain closed again as if that somehow keeps them separate from what is happening. Randy then immediately starts looking for the bottle he kicked, apparently the naked form of Mr. Happy was nothing new to him at this point. }
Randy: Do you have any idea how goddamn worried I was about you?
Happy: You were worried?
Randy: Absolutely! I thought that animal Nighthawk had broken your whole damn body!
{ Happy seems to tear up as Randy stands up in front of him holding his sippy bottle again, taking a nice long sip. }
Happy: I didn’t know you cared so much.
Randy: I mean… I let you live with me and mess up my place and literally say nothing about it?
{ Happy suddenly lunges forward and wraps his fat naked body around Randy. }
Happy: I love you so much Randy!
{ Randy smirks for a second and then pushes Happy off of him. }
Randy: Dude are you popping wood right now!?
Happy: Sorry…
Doctor: Nurse… Call the time.
Randy: Holy shit…
Doctor: And see if you can get a word with that drunk gentlemen.
Randy: Time to go.
{ Randy grabs the naked Mr. Happy and the two make for the door as the nurses watch in shock. }
Happy: Hey what happened to the mummy?
Randy: Just run, dammit!
{ The two run down the hall way as fast as they can which isn’t very fast as Mr. Happy is really just lightly jogging while to Doctor pops out into the hall just watching with a look of confusion. }
Randy: I’m not going back to jail!
Happy: What?
Randy: Nothing!
{ The two finally reach the outside of the hospital and Randy looks totally exhausted as he sees that his bottle is empty. Happy on the other hand just stands there beaming at his very best friend, his tiny manhood flapping in the breeze. }
Randy: Damn, that was close…
Happy: What happened to that man up there?
Randy: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… He fell into a deep… Sleep…
Happy: So he’s going to be ok?
{ Randy reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a half pint of Jack Daniels, unscrews the cap with his teeth and spits it into the distance. }
Randy: Yeah, he’ll be fine.
{ Randy takes a long swig and shudders as the whiskey runs down his throat and into his stomach. }
Randy: So now that I know you’re alive and doing ok… Are you still naked?
{ Randy seems to just now notice that Mr. Happy is still bare ass naked standing in front of the hospital with a lot of people just staring at him. }
Happy: It is my birthday?
Randy: Fair enough. But what are we going to do about your match this week?
Happy: I’ve been booked!
{ Happy’s little turtle head suddenly became a raging ninja turtle as he stood there. }
Hapy: OH! EM!GEE!!! I’m so excited!!!!!
Randy: Simmer down buddy! You got your ass handed to you against Nighthawk and if this other guy is even one percent as good as Nighthawk then you’ve got your work cut out for you.
Happy: Yeah but what if he’s lees than one percent as good as Nighthawk?
{ Randy seems to think about it for a second. }
Randy: I mean… You’ll probably be fine… Less than one percent of Nighthawk is barely on the level of my brother and he’s… Well… Not IWF good and you’re good enough for IWF.
Happy: So you’re saying there’s a chance?
{ Happy somehow seems even more excited. }
Randy: Basically.
Happy: I’ve got a chance!!!!
Randy: Yeah, a chance. But you still need to work hard and train.
Happy: Oh absolutely.
Randy: And you need to stop drinking so much soda.
{ Happy pulls a Root Beer Faygo from behind his back from seemingly out of nowhere. }
Happy: But it gives me energy!
Randy: It makes you fat.
{ Happy looks shocked. }
Happy: Randy!
Randy: I’m sorry… But seriously if you’re going to beat Will Fenell then we need to get you some training. I wonder if Nighthawk would be willing to train you?
Happy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
{ Happy continues screaming bare ass naked in front of the hospital. }
Randy: Happy. HAPPY! Calm down! We need to get you ready for Will. Now that I know you aren’t in a body cast this should be a little bit easier. I mean, you’ve had more matches in the last few months than Will has so that right there proves to me you’re more valuable than he is.
Happy: People pay to see me!
Randy: Yeah! Who the fuck is Will Fenell!?
Happy: I honestly don’t know.
Randy: He’s just some guy in a racist tag team! The Redneck Renegades! As if we would just forget that was the name of his team! Wrestling fans aren’t stupid! Will Fenell and whoever his brother is are a couple of racist pricks!
Happy: Hah! Nobody likes racists!
Randy: Absolutely not! It doesn’t matter if you change your team name, we all know what you’re about. It’d be like the KKK calling themselves Kermit the Klown Klan!It doesn’t change the fact that you spent the first several years of your existence being racist asshole!
Happy: I don’t even know what the word racist means.
Randy: It means Will hates people.
Happy: I don’t hate anyone.
Randy: Exactly! Which means you’re already a better person than Will “Put the blacks at the back of the bus” Fenell!
Happy: I should just hug him until he can’t feel the hate anymore!
Randy:Exactly! Hug him!Hug him to freaking death!
Happy: That’s extreme.
Randy: You’re right. Maybe just beat him?
Happy: Did you kill that guy upstairs?
{ Randy seems taken back. }
Randy: What? NO! I didn’t even know him.
Happy: Good point.
Randy: Now let’s go ask Nighthawk to train you so that way you stand a chance.
Happy: I thought we already established I had a chance!
Randy: A better chance.
Happy: Ahhhhhh.
{ Randy and the naked Mr. Happy walk off into the sunset. }
Randy: Jesus Christ…
{ Randy *REDACTED* stands in the doorway in a black hoody holding one of those water bottles for athletes with the retractable straw most likely filled with Jack Daniels and a splash of Coke to give it that black color. }
Randy: What did that monster do to you?
{ Randy plopped down hard on the armchair beside the bed of the mummified man whose head was wrapped as well. Randy took a long deep suck from the bottle he held and sighed as he leaned back in the chair. }
Randy: Why did you agree to that match, Happy? I told you Nighthawk was going to do this to you. He’s a goddamn machine! And you? You’re just… Well… A clown…
{ Randy seemed truly upset as he pulled the chair closer to the bed, taking another slug of his drink as he reached over to caress the bandaged head of the man. }
Randy: You never should have been out there Happy! You never should have stepped in the ring with Nighthawk! Why did you do it!?
{ Randy pounds the chest of the bandage wrapped man and lets out a scream of internal pain. The heart monitor next to the bed starts going crazy as the man in the bed begins to shake and convulse. Randy pops out of the chair in shock. }
Randy: What the fuck!?
{ The body begins to shake violently and the heart monitor beeps insanely fast as Randy looks all around. }
Randy: HELP!!!
{ Randy moves franticly around the bed as nurses pour into the room. }
Nurse: What happened!?
Randy: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… He just started shaking!
{ Randy drops the bottle and kicks it under the curtain behind him and under the other bed in the room. }
Nurse: He’s flat lining! Ge the doctor in here!
{ Randy looks on in terror as the beeps turn into one long beep that never seems to end. Randy is boarder line near tears as he backs up against the curtain separator. }
Randy: Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ!
Nurse: Sir, you need to calm down.
{ The Doctor rushes in and starts checking all the stats. }
Doctor: We need a defib, stat!
{ Randy grips the side of his head as backs up further and stumbles through the curtain and falls face first into the naked crotch of a large naked man as the entire medical staff look on in horror. }
Happy: RANDY!?
{ Randy looks up from the shriveled turtles head to the painted face of the smiling Mr. Happy. }
Randy: Happy?
Happy: Randy!
Doctor: Would you put some goddamn clothes on! We’ve got a man dying here!
Randy: Oh shit! Sorry!
{ Randy pulls the curtain closed again as if that somehow keeps them separate from what is happening. Randy then immediately starts looking for the bottle he kicked, apparently the naked form of Mr. Happy was nothing new to him at this point. }
Randy: Do you have any idea how goddamn worried I was about you?
Happy: You were worried?
Randy: Absolutely! I thought that animal Nighthawk had broken your whole damn body!
{ Happy seems to tear up as Randy stands up in front of him holding his sippy bottle again, taking a nice long sip. }
Happy: I didn’t know you cared so much.
Randy: I mean… I let you live with me and mess up my place and literally say nothing about it?
{ Happy suddenly lunges forward and wraps his fat naked body around Randy. }
Happy: I love you so much Randy!
{ Randy smirks for a second and then pushes Happy off of him. }
Randy: Dude are you popping wood right now!?
Happy: Sorry…
Doctor: Nurse… Call the time.
Randy: Holy shit…
Doctor: And see if you can get a word with that drunk gentlemen.
Randy: Time to go.
{ Randy grabs the naked Mr. Happy and the two make for the door as the nurses watch in shock. }
Happy: Hey what happened to the mummy?
Randy: Just run, dammit!
{ The two run down the hall way as fast as they can which isn’t very fast as Mr. Happy is really just lightly jogging while to Doctor pops out into the hall just watching with a look of confusion. }
Randy: I’m not going back to jail!
Happy: What?
Randy: Nothing!
{ The two finally reach the outside of the hospital and Randy looks totally exhausted as he sees that his bottle is empty. Happy on the other hand just stands there beaming at his very best friend, his tiny manhood flapping in the breeze. }
Randy: Damn, that was close…
Happy: What happened to that man up there?
Randy: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… He fell into a deep… Sleep…
Happy: So he’s going to be ok?
{ Randy reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a half pint of Jack Daniels, unscrews the cap with his teeth and spits it into the distance. }
Randy: Yeah, he’ll be fine.
{ Randy takes a long swig and shudders as the whiskey runs down his throat and into his stomach. }
Randy: So now that I know you’re alive and doing ok… Are you still naked?
{ Randy seems to just now notice that Mr. Happy is still bare ass naked standing in front of the hospital with a lot of people just staring at him. }
Happy: It is my birthday?
Randy: Fair enough. But what are we going to do about your match this week?
Happy: I’ve been booked!
{ Happy’s little turtle head suddenly became a raging ninja turtle as he stood there. }
Hapy: OH! EM!GEE!!! I’m so excited!!!!!
Randy: Simmer down buddy! You got your ass handed to you against Nighthawk and if this other guy is even one percent as good as Nighthawk then you’ve got your work cut out for you.
Happy: Yeah but what if he’s lees than one percent as good as Nighthawk?
{ Randy seems to think about it for a second. }
Randy: I mean… You’ll probably be fine… Less than one percent of Nighthawk is barely on the level of my brother and he’s… Well… Not IWF good and you’re good enough for IWF.
Happy: So you’re saying there’s a chance?
{ Happy somehow seems even more excited. }
Randy: Basically.
Happy: I’ve got a chance!!!!
Randy: Yeah, a chance. But you still need to work hard and train.
Happy: Oh absolutely.
Randy: And you need to stop drinking so much soda.
{ Happy pulls a Root Beer Faygo from behind his back from seemingly out of nowhere. }
Happy: But it gives me energy!
Randy: It makes you fat.
{ Happy looks shocked. }
Happy: Randy!
Randy: I’m sorry… But seriously if you’re going to beat Will Fenell then we need to get you some training. I wonder if Nighthawk would be willing to train you?
Happy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
{ Happy continues screaming bare ass naked in front of the hospital. }
Randy: Happy. HAPPY! Calm down! We need to get you ready for Will. Now that I know you aren’t in a body cast this should be a little bit easier. I mean, you’ve had more matches in the last few months than Will has so that right there proves to me you’re more valuable than he is.
Happy: People pay to see me!
Randy: Yeah! Who the fuck is Will Fenell!?
Happy: I honestly don’t know.
Randy: He’s just some guy in a racist tag team! The Redneck Renegades! As if we would just forget that was the name of his team! Wrestling fans aren’t stupid! Will Fenell and whoever his brother is are a couple of racist pricks!
Happy: Hah! Nobody likes racists!
Randy: Absolutely not! It doesn’t matter if you change your team name, we all know what you’re about. It’d be like the KKK calling themselves Kermit the Klown Klan!It doesn’t change the fact that you spent the first several years of your existence being racist asshole!
Happy: I don’t even know what the word racist means.
Randy: It means Will hates people.
Happy: I don’t hate anyone.
Randy: Exactly! Which means you’re already a better person than Will “Put the blacks at the back of the bus” Fenell!
Happy: I should just hug him until he can’t feel the hate anymore!
Randy:Exactly! Hug him!Hug him to freaking death!
Happy: That’s extreme.
Randy: You’re right. Maybe just beat him?
Happy: Did you kill that guy upstairs?
{ Randy seems taken back. }
Randy: What? NO! I didn’t even know him.
Happy: Good point.
Randy: Now let’s go ask Nighthawk to train you so that way you stand a chance.
Happy: I thought we already established I had a chance!
Randy: A better chance.
Happy: Ahhhhhh.
{ Randy and the naked Mr. Happy walk off into the sunset. }
Well howdy there pardner.