Post by Angel Blake on Aug 16, 2013 20:04:33 GMT
Most men take their families for granted, they don’t take the time to appreciate every little moment of the life unfolding before their eyes. Most men aren't professional wrestler who spend three hundred or more days a year on the road away from that family. When I’m home I make sure I absorb every single second that happens around me and as I watch my seven year old daughter feed her little brother I can’t help but smile…
This is what makes life worth living…
I’ve spent the better part of two decades making other men’s lives a living hell. I’ve walked through fire and barbed wire and broken glass so that I could call myself a world champion and hall of fame wrestler. I’ve had my career ended on more than one occasion and done things to people that wouldn’t even be allowed in a rated R movie.
Needless to say I’ve been quite the devil…
I wouldn’t trade a single thing I’ve done, a single accomplishment, a single regret for what I have right now. This family, these kids, my wife, all of it has been worth it. To be sitting here today, watching these small children whom I helped bring into the world, taking care of each other, playing together, it makes every bad thing I’ve ever done melt away…
And I’ve done my share of bad…
This coming weekend I have to face someone whom these children care about, perhaps even love, someone who I would have loved to call my brother, someone who I’d trade nearly anything for a second chance…
Chris Docherty…
He doesn’t want to be a part of this family for his own reasons and I feel sorry for him because he is going to miss quite the adventure. These kids, their going to change the world…
”Daddy?”
Hayleigh breaks me out of my little monologue as she moves over next to me, her brother still resting in her arms, sucking away at his bottle.
”Yeah baby?”
”You’re fighting uncle Doc this weekend, huh?”
I slowly nod.
”Yeah baby.”
”Does uncle Doc hate you?”
”It’s complicated, baby.”
That answer never really works for her as she mulls over her next question.
”Cuz he seemed mad when Ms Tara took us to his house. He said mean things.”
”I’m sure he did but you know they aren’t true, right?”
”Uh huh…”
Hayleigh gazes at her brother for a long time and then finally looks up to me.
”He hurt Ms Tara.”
”… Yeah… A little.”
”Not in the ring. With the things he said… I don’t like uncle Doc.”
”Heh. Lots of people don’t.”
Hayleigh rests her brother on her lap and reaches her little hand over to mine a clasps it.
”Daddy, I want you to hurt uncle Doc.”
Without another word she hops off the couch, brother in her arms and heads off into her bed room. I just sit there a long time and wonder about the life I’ve lived and how it’s affected those around me. I never expected to shield my daughter from the things I’ve done but I never expected her to admire me for it either…
It’s easy to forget your humanity when you’re portraying a monster and for a long time a monster is what I had to be. I had to destroy people to make an impact. I had t cement my legacy. I had to know that when I’m gone my name will carry on, but now? Now that I sit here, on this couch, realizing that my career as a wrestler is behind me I wonder if I can find it in myself to do it again?
Can I end one more life before I go?
”You’ve got to understand that I didn’t want this.”
It’s dark, too dark for the handi cam to make anything out but me in the darkness.
”I never wanted this.”
My face more ghostly than before.
”I wanted us to be a family. I wanted Doc to be my brother, my friend, I wanted to be able to turn to him in a time of need and confide in him with my troubles. I wanted to bury the hatchet like Alex and I were able to after so many years of blood shed…”
I feel the old flames rising again.
”I wanted to have Thanksgivings and Christmas’ together, I wanted to invite him over when he finally settled down and have Easter egg hunts with out kids. I wanted anything but what we’ve got. Anything but the war that is about to happen…”
The hate that drove me for so many years.
”And maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough to forgive and forget. Maybe I didn’t extend my hand when he needed it. Maybe I should of tried harder to be there for him when he needed the help. I don’t know. I know that I did try, for Tara, for Aaron, for Hayleigh and Edward, I tried for our family so that one day we could all be together. I know Tara doesn’t have many people she can look to for support. Outside of me she’s pretty alone, she likes it that way but that’s not human nature. Without each other we’re nothing…”
The rage…
”Maybe it is all my fault but I just wanted you to know that this isn’t what I wanted. I wanted a family.”
The monster…
”I’m sorry.”
I gave it all up, let it all go so I could finally be the person my family wanted me to be but now… Now my family needs me to be something else. They need me to be an avenging spirit. An archangel. They need me to be what I once was so that we never have to be here again…
I reach out and grab my camera, spinning it away from my face as I stand and it catches a glimpse of the alter I was kneeling before. Our lord and savior on the cross looking down on me as always…
”Forgive me lord for what I am about to do. Give me the strength to do what has to be done, give Chris the clarity of mind to see where this road will lead us and help to guide us both back to where we need to be. I don’t want to do this lord, I don’t want to continue blazing my path to hell but I don’t see any other choice…”
I bow my head.
”Help us lord.”
Without looking up or waiting for an answer I whisper “Amen” and make my way out of the old church. Outside the darkness envelopes me, the cold air refreshed me and the sight of my car, the one I drove to my last match against Spike Kane reminds me that no matter how hard I try I always end up right back here…
One match away from hell…
I raise the camera back up, I don’t smile or frown, I don’t have much emotion left, I can’t. If I were to allow myself to feel what it is I truly feel inside, I wouldn’t be able to do what needs to be done. If I allow myself to feel the regret I feel over not doing enough for Doc in the time I’ve known him, I won’t be able to pull the trigger. So I push it aside and bury it where it will not bother me. I push it to that place I pushed my emotions to for so long, and in it’s place I pull up the hate, anger and rage that made me so unstoppable. I remember what it is to lust for blood again and I can feel the shark like glaze over take my eyes…
”You should know that you did this to yourself. Before I hired you there wasn’t a promotion that would touch you. Between your attitude, your record and your ability to tear a quad answering the phone, there isn’t a promotion on the planet ignorant enough to offer Doc a job. But I did. Because you were supposed to be family. Beause your sister promised me you would be different.”
Heh, yeah right.
”Turns out I should of listened to my gut and told you to go screw yourself. From the moment you walked in the door at IWF it’s been all about settling some age old score, a score only you’ve been keeping track of. You think the people in the crowd remember the last time we fought? You think they even care? Do you honestly think I do? I settled out score a very long time ago, Doc, and despite what you like to tell yourself from your couch as I held every major title you could never even breath on, you are not one of my top rivals.”
That makes me laugh.
”Alex Jones.? Spike Kane? Xavier Williams? Those are my great rivals. Those are men I worked my ass off to beat inside and outside of the ring. Those men are legends who like myself, have names and legacy’s that will carry on long after their dead and in the ground. Who besides the one or two die hard XHF fans are going to remember a single thing you ever did? Who besides your overinflated sense of self is ever going to catch themselves accidently giving a damn about Doc? Tell me, besides you, who is going to care when I end your miserable life Sunday night?”
That sound you hear, it’s the sound of absolute silence.
”You could have avoided all of this, all you had to do was stop digging the hole, Doc, just stop digging. Put the shovel down and stop before it’s too late. You’ve still got a chance, you could show up Sunday, shake my hand and say ‘You know what, you’re right, who cares?’ apologize to your sister and go on your merry way. We could go back to pretending we like each other and who knows? Maybe one day we’ll forget we’re pretending. We could that, it’d be easy and I’d be happy to but I know that you won’t let that happen. You think you’ve got something to prove against me here in IWF…”
I just laugh.
”But you don’t. IWF isn’t ncw. It isn’t XHF. It isn’t a place where I reign supreme as the dominant Savior X and you need to knock me off to further your career. It’s supposed to be a new beginning, which is what I gave you when no one else would. I had men banging down my door begging me to not hire you. Men whom I respect and honor the opinions of. But I still gave you the same chance they were all given. You had your last second chance at redemption and you pissed it away for another shot at me…
Foolish.
”I hope it works out for you Chris, I really do. I hope you’re able to overcome this monster that has haunted you all your life and ‘win’ this Sunday because if you don’t, if you come up short against me it won’t just be your job you’ll lose, or your career…”
Turning, I reach out and drop the camera into a deep hole, it lands facing the dirt as I laugh.
It’ll be your life. You dug this grave, Chris, time to lay in it.”
With one shovel full of dirt at a time I will lay you to rest…
This is what makes life worth living…
I’ve spent the better part of two decades making other men’s lives a living hell. I’ve walked through fire and barbed wire and broken glass so that I could call myself a world champion and hall of fame wrestler. I’ve had my career ended on more than one occasion and done things to people that wouldn’t even be allowed in a rated R movie.
Needless to say I’ve been quite the devil…
I wouldn’t trade a single thing I’ve done, a single accomplishment, a single regret for what I have right now. This family, these kids, my wife, all of it has been worth it. To be sitting here today, watching these small children whom I helped bring into the world, taking care of each other, playing together, it makes every bad thing I’ve ever done melt away…
And I’ve done my share of bad…
This coming weekend I have to face someone whom these children care about, perhaps even love, someone who I would have loved to call my brother, someone who I’d trade nearly anything for a second chance…
Chris Docherty…
He doesn’t want to be a part of this family for his own reasons and I feel sorry for him because he is going to miss quite the adventure. These kids, their going to change the world…
”Daddy?”
Hayleigh breaks me out of my little monologue as she moves over next to me, her brother still resting in her arms, sucking away at his bottle.
”Yeah baby?”
”You’re fighting uncle Doc this weekend, huh?”
I slowly nod.
”Yeah baby.”
”Does uncle Doc hate you?”
”It’s complicated, baby.”
That answer never really works for her as she mulls over her next question.
”Cuz he seemed mad when Ms Tara took us to his house. He said mean things.”
”I’m sure he did but you know they aren’t true, right?”
”Uh huh…”
Hayleigh gazes at her brother for a long time and then finally looks up to me.
”He hurt Ms Tara.”
”… Yeah… A little.”
”Not in the ring. With the things he said… I don’t like uncle Doc.”
”Heh. Lots of people don’t.”
Hayleigh rests her brother on her lap and reaches her little hand over to mine a clasps it.
”Daddy, I want you to hurt uncle Doc.”
Without another word she hops off the couch, brother in her arms and heads off into her bed room. I just sit there a long time and wonder about the life I’ve lived and how it’s affected those around me. I never expected to shield my daughter from the things I’ve done but I never expected her to admire me for it either…
It’s easy to forget your humanity when you’re portraying a monster and for a long time a monster is what I had to be. I had to destroy people to make an impact. I had t cement my legacy. I had to know that when I’m gone my name will carry on, but now? Now that I sit here, on this couch, realizing that my career as a wrestler is behind me I wonder if I can find it in myself to do it again?
Can I end one more life before I go?
”You’ve got to understand that I didn’t want this.”
It’s dark, too dark for the handi cam to make anything out but me in the darkness.
”I never wanted this.”
My face more ghostly than before.
”I wanted us to be a family. I wanted Doc to be my brother, my friend, I wanted to be able to turn to him in a time of need and confide in him with my troubles. I wanted to bury the hatchet like Alex and I were able to after so many years of blood shed…”
I feel the old flames rising again.
”I wanted to have Thanksgivings and Christmas’ together, I wanted to invite him over when he finally settled down and have Easter egg hunts with out kids. I wanted anything but what we’ve got. Anything but the war that is about to happen…”
The hate that drove me for so many years.
”And maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough to forgive and forget. Maybe I didn’t extend my hand when he needed it. Maybe I should of tried harder to be there for him when he needed the help. I don’t know. I know that I did try, for Tara, for Aaron, for Hayleigh and Edward, I tried for our family so that one day we could all be together. I know Tara doesn’t have many people she can look to for support. Outside of me she’s pretty alone, she likes it that way but that’s not human nature. Without each other we’re nothing…”
The rage…
”Maybe it is all my fault but I just wanted you to know that this isn’t what I wanted. I wanted a family.”
The monster…
”I’m sorry.”
I gave it all up, let it all go so I could finally be the person my family wanted me to be but now… Now my family needs me to be something else. They need me to be an avenging spirit. An archangel. They need me to be what I once was so that we never have to be here again…
I reach out and grab my camera, spinning it away from my face as I stand and it catches a glimpse of the alter I was kneeling before. Our lord and savior on the cross looking down on me as always…
”Forgive me lord for what I am about to do. Give me the strength to do what has to be done, give Chris the clarity of mind to see where this road will lead us and help to guide us both back to where we need to be. I don’t want to do this lord, I don’t want to continue blazing my path to hell but I don’t see any other choice…”
I bow my head.
”Help us lord.”
Without looking up or waiting for an answer I whisper “Amen” and make my way out of the old church. Outside the darkness envelopes me, the cold air refreshed me and the sight of my car, the one I drove to my last match against Spike Kane reminds me that no matter how hard I try I always end up right back here…
One match away from hell…
I raise the camera back up, I don’t smile or frown, I don’t have much emotion left, I can’t. If I were to allow myself to feel what it is I truly feel inside, I wouldn’t be able to do what needs to be done. If I allow myself to feel the regret I feel over not doing enough for Doc in the time I’ve known him, I won’t be able to pull the trigger. So I push it aside and bury it where it will not bother me. I push it to that place I pushed my emotions to for so long, and in it’s place I pull up the hate, anger and rage that made me so unstoppable. I remember what it is to lust for blood again and I can feel the shark like glaze over take my eyes…
”You should know that you did this to yourself. Before I hired you there wasn’t a promotion that would touch you. Between your attitude, your record and your ability to tear a quad answering the phone, there isn’t a promotion on the planet ignorant enough to offer Doc a job. But I did. Because you were supposed to be family. Beause your sister promised me you would be different.”
Heh, yeah right.
”Turns out I should of listened to my gut and told you to go screw yourself. From the moment you walked in the door at IWF it’s been all about settling some age old score, a score only you’ve been keeping track of. You think the people in the crowd remember the last time we fought? You think they even care? Do you honestly think I do? I settled out score a very long time ago, Doc, and despite what you like to tell yourself from your couch as I held every major title you could never even breath on, you are not one of my top rivals.”
That makes me laugh.
”Alex Jones.? Spike Kane? Xavier Williams? Those are my great rivals. Those are men I worked my ass off to beat inside and outside of the ring. Those men are legends who like myself, have names and legacy’s that will carry on long after their dead and in the ground. Who besides the one or two die hard XHF fans are going to remember a single thing you ever did? Who besides your overinflated sense of self is ever going to catch themselves accidently giving a damn about Doc? Tell me, besides you, who is going to care when I end your miserable life Sunday night?”
That sound you hear, it’s the sound of absolute silence.
”You could have avoided all of this, all you had to do was stop digging the hole, Doc, just stop digging. Put the shovel down and stop before it’s too late. You’ve still got a chance, you could show up Sunday, shake my hand and say ‘You know what, you’re right, who cares?’ apologize to your sister and go on your merry way. We could go back to pretending we like each other and who knows? Maybe one day we’ll forget we’re pretending. We could that, it’d be easy and I’d be happy to but I know that you won’t let that happen. You think you’ve got something to prove against me here in IWF…”
I just laugh.
”But you don’t. IWF isn’t ncw. It isn’t XHF. It isn’t a place where I reign supreme as the dominant Savior X and you need to knock me off to further your career. It’s supposed to be a new beginning, which is what I gave you when no one else would. I had men banging down my door begging me to not hire you. Men whom I respect and honor the opinions of. But I still gave you the same chance they were all given. You had your last second chance at redemption and you pissed it away for another shot at me…
Foolish.
”I hope it works out for you Chris, I really do. I hope you’re able to overcome this monster that has haunted you all your life and ‘win’ this Sunday because if you don’t, if you come up short against me it won’t just be your job you’ll lose, or your career…”
Turning, I reach out and drop the camera into a deep hole, it lands facing the dirt as I laugh.
It’ll be your life. You dug this grave, Chris, time to lay in it.”
With one shovel full of dirt at a time I will lay you to rest…
Well howdy there pardner.