Post by Eddie D. on Jun 24, 2018 23:18:33 GMT
What kind of horror fest shit show did I just walk into?
Did Roberto Verona take off his Christian Bale mask to reveal himself as Tim Burton and decided everyone who works for IWF needs to be some kind of demonic serial killer with a banging six pack while I was gone?
Seriously, WTF!?
Like yeah, sure, we had freaks and weirdos back in the day. There was this one guy who thought a golden urn gave him super powers and another guy who I’m pretty sure was having sex with a boa constrictor but now every Tom, Dick and Jane has face paint and creepy music.
I feel like I’m working for the Exorcist Wrestling Federation.
Surely one of them vomits pea soup?? SURELY??
Christ, when Steve asked me to have his back as his own personal referee I never imagined I’d have to carry a crucifix to the ring to ward off angry spirits. But here we are and here it is, tightly gripped in my right hand, throbbing and veiny…
The crucifix…
Penisfix?
REGARDLESS!!!
The fact of the matter is the Face of the Franchise and the Infamous one are stepping into Spirit Halloween Wrestling in an Apocalypse match against my best friend in the world who unfortunately drank Angel’s “kool aid”, the God? Himself, Blake, Mini Angel Matthews, Dean “I’d totally bang you” Harper, Creepy Caleb and Warren “What the Fuck Happened to you???” Kane…
Oh and the corporate dickheads. Verona. Arcane. Pooler? Never figured Pooler for a corporate kiss ass but then again I never figured Pooler at all. If it wasn’t for the sticky note in front of me with everyone’s names on it I’d have forgotten he was even in this match.
Didn’t Pooler used to take it up the pooper for Blake? Then Spike? Probably Alex. He’s kinda like the town bicycle, everyone gets a ride but nobody really loves him because he’s so goddamn forgettable.
That’s not really like a bike at all, is it?
Sounds more like a whore. Pooler is a whore. And nobody loves you Bob. NOBODY! Not even your Mama! I should know because we were just discussing how disappointed we are in you. And oh, your dad has some rough hands. Working hands. Man knows how to make me squeel…
Sorry. I got distracted.
Right. So Apocalypse Match. The Age of Gods versus the Pack versus Caboolo versus Infamously Bueno. It’s gonna be hell. It’s gonna be bloody. It’s gonna be full of people promising to kill each other because that’s how wrestling works! DIDN’T YOU SEE FIONA MCFLY VERSUS ROWAN!!!!
Caberto employs serial killers and is proud of. Hell, I’d go a step further and say they endorse them. Why else would Gilmore still have a job? Mother fucker murders ratings left and right. Like a goddamn chainsaw to the viewing audience. I swear to god. What is the appeal of James fucking Gilmore? Like is there an inside joke I’m not a part of or something? Just fire the kid already. CHRIST!
Sorry, tangent again. I was big upping this match and shitting all over Cable and Roberto.
Have I brought up the fact Cable calls himself the Best in the World and has only wrestled like three times this year? Why doesn’t anyone call him out on that? Like it seems suspect to me. How can you be the Best in the World and never wrestle? I feel like that title is something you would need to, I don’t know, live up to every now and again? And didn’t Cable lose his last match too, to my buddy Steve? Like, maybe Second Best in the World or Third Best in the World is more accurate.
I’m just saying.
And Verona? I ain’t never liked you. You’re a pompous little prick who thinks the whole world revolves around him. Guess what Batman, IWF ain’t the only goddamn wrestling company out there. Sure, you’ve got the absolute best workers in the business wrestling for you. And sure, you offer the most chances and the best pay checks. And sure you’re more than fair when it comes to merchandise.
BUT ARE YOU AWARE!? That I could go wrestle JFK in a bingo hall for a World Title!? Are you aware that I don’t have to deal with your political bullshit and take on Kole Kaos in a high school parking lot!? Have you even considered that right now the Redneck Renegades are turning tricks for cash!!!
The wrestling industry doesn’t need a dirty dealer like you.
You probably endorse Trump to, don’t you!?
You make me sick, Roberto. SICK! And if I had it my way I’d be working down in the Bush Leagues with the real visionaries! The people who saw through your corruption and chose to walk away! The people who just wanna win matches and never ever be challenged! The people who exposed you for the bigot employer you are!
Do you even employ black people on your staff?
NO!
Bigot.
But that’s enough about Roberto “I definitely voted for Trump” Verona.
Time to move on to that sexy son of a bitch, Dean Harper and his lover boys.
Dean, WHEN Infamously Bueno wins this match.
I chose you.
I chose you to come on over to the bright side and drink mojitos at my home in SoCal. You’re like a sexy Dexter. Like if you pulled up to me on the street in a white panel van I wouldn’t even second guess getting in with you. It should be illegal to be so goddamn sexy. I’ve got a raging danger boner just thinking about locking up with you in the ring.
Gonna have to throw on the loose pants for this match, don’t wanna pop a tent while I’m pinning you.
Why is it all the sexy ones belong to a cult? Honestly. Jim Jones, hot as fuck, David Koresh(?), beautiful man and Dean Harper. It’s as if Angel Blake molded you from granite. A master piece. And like, I wouldn’t say I’m bisexual but I’d absolutely naked Greco Roman wrestle you anytime, any place. Preferably in my bed. Or a hot tub. Or on the beach. I mean, basically anywhere.
Sorry. I know I’m supposed to talk about how I’m going to kick your ass in this match but I’ve got your picture as my background and I can’t stop looking into your eyes.
So instead I’m gonna turn this raging boner in the direction of Caleb and Warren. Warren, a once upon a time best friend who I helped totally embarrass a while back with my real best friend turned archangel, Spike Kane. Look Warren, I understand the unholy ass whopping Spike and I dropped on you was decimating to your psyche but did we really kick your ass all the way to hell?
I mean, is this just like a goth stage or something?
As your godfather I’m a little concerned. Like I used to wear black eye liner and torn wrestling gear up until about five years ago when I grew this epic beard and realized I wasn’t fourteen anymore but come on Warren!? You’re literally worshipping the devil! I get that maybe Rowan doesn’t allow wifi at the dojo but you have to have caught one of her promos where she basically says it!
Angel calls her the morningstar!!!!
That’s not cool, Warren. It’s not cool to worship the devil. Like, Hell isn’t fun. It’s not a place you wanna hang out. Sure, Dean’s sexy ass will be there and I’m totally gonna go to rage bang him but I want better for my god son! YOU DESERVE BETTER!
That’s why I promise you from the bottom of my heart I will not stop kicking your ass until you see the light. That’s how much I goddamn love you.
Hey Caleb, nice to see you’ve grown since carrying around Conway’s ball bag for about a year. Most people never escape the oppressive weight of his massive ego. But then when you’re as smart and amazing as The Ace how can anyone beneath him ever really grow past that?
The Rob smirks.
Caleb, I’m gonna be honest. I don’t give a rats ass about you. I don’t even care enough about you to research you. So that being said I’m going to make a lot of broad insults in your general direction and maybe some of them will be accurate, maybe some of them will be way off but again. I don’t care.
You As I Lay Dying, Brandon Lee loving mother fucker. I’m gonna kick your Parkway Drive worshipping ass all the way back to Hot Topic. Then I’m gonna choke you out with the third shirt I get in one of their sweet buy two get one free t-shirt sales and the shirt will be a Marilyn Manson one so it’ll be ironic you pass out beneath who I assume you think is God!
Also! Wallet chains are lame! I don’t know if you have one but you probably do! And it’s not 2002 anymore! Just put your wallet in your side pocket like a normal person! ALSO! Wearing all black isn’t cool either! There are other colors! Red! Pink! Green! You can be monochromatic in 2018 and still be all depressing and goth!
Owned.
Last and certainly least.
Spike, what in the actual fuck happened to you?
Like a few months ago we were chilling in your back yard, grilling some dogs, talking shit, drinking some home brewed beers and now you’re living in a goddamn abandoned YMCA campground with a Crow looking mother fucker who has a Panther as a goddamn pet!!!
Where did I fail you, Spike? Where did I go wrong? Did I not hug you enough? Did I not say I love you enough? WHAT HAPPENED!?
Say it with me Spike, you are not the archangel Michael! YOU ARE NOT THE ARCHANGEL MICHAEL! You are Spike Kane, great friend, honestly pretty terrible father but GREAT FRIEND! I mean, Angel is the guy we used to make fun of together for being so goddamn weird. Remember Social Distortion!? We kicked Angel’s ass all over the goddamn nation together! You damn near murdered him in your final NCW match!
He is not God!
He’s just some fucking guy who got way too goddamn high and fried his brain cells. He’s got the fashion sense of a dominatrix and an ego the size of the milky way galaxy.
JUST WALK AWAY, SPIKE!
Because I really don’t wanna have to fight you in this match. Last time we fought and you were all demonic I lost a fucking finger and I’m not looking forward to reliving that moment again. It wasn’t fucking fun. I just want my buddy back. I just wanna rib you about how hot Freya is and how bad I wanna get with her. I wanna chill and drink beers and watch old Falcon matches taking a shot everytime he goes for a roll up.
I WANT SPIKE BACK!
I don’t care if it’s tattooed slick haired Spike or a little over weight short haired Spike or the new and improved sweet hair cut Spike. I just want my best buddy back. I miss him. He was pretty cool and I wasn’t worried about him slitting my throat in an elaborate ceremony to worship Angel fucktard Blake.
Speaking of the Gothic God.
Dude, I’m not trying to break kayfabe here but you are aware you aren’t God, right?
Like you have to know deep down inside that God isn’t some painted up freak in tight leather pants. He’s a bearded gentlemen with with a distinguished beard in a Jedi robe. Basically he’s Luke Skywalker in the Last Jedi. We all know this. We’ve seen the paintings. God is not Rob Zombie on heroin. He isn’t some fucking nightmare come to life with a panther. He’s a lovable little scamp who enjoys people waging wars in his name. That’s God.
You’re just a psychopath.
Or sociopath.
You’re definitely a path and a bad one too! You use people. You use my friends! You brain wash them into believing in your bullshit and then you exploit them! And somehow even though Spike kicked your ass and took your title you’re still the leader of that group!!?? That’s how fucking maddening your mental prowess is because the Spike Kane I came up with would have Davey Ortega’ed your ass by now and reformed the mother fucking Empire!!!
Deep cut.
Blake. I’m not gonna sit here and say you’re just a man and all that horse shit. You’re not just a man. You’re a fucking evil monster. If Rowan is the devil then Angel Blake is the devil’s fucking rapey weird uncle. But you’re dangerous. Very dangerous. And I’m aware of that. You got a panther. That’s fucking awesome. And I know you’re not afraid to use it. Thing is Blake, we’ve got a Malo. He’s a human fucking shield. And while the panther is busy ripping him to shreds Steve and I are going to own your leather wrapped ass.
Jayson, see everything I said about Spike but subtract the fact I actually like him and that’s what I have to say to you.
You suck. You’re bad. And you should feel bad.
You’re the fucking Zeitgeist to Angel’s Deadpool and we are going to chuck your bitch ass head first into a wood chipper!
And if you ain’t down with that then I only got two words for ya.
SUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!0!!!!!!!!!!!
Did Roberto Verona take off his Christian Bale mask to reveal himself as Tim Burton and decided everyone who works for IWF needs to be some kind of demonic serial killer with a banging six pack while I was gone?
Seriously, WTF!?
Like yeah, sure, we had freaks and weirdos back in the day. There was this one guy who thought a golden urn gave him super powers and another guy who I’m pretty sure was having sex with a boa constrictor but now every Tom, Dick and Jane has face paint and creepy music.
I feel like I’m working for the Exorcist Wrestling Federation.
Surely one of them vomits pea soup?? SURELY??
Christ, when Steve asked me to have his back as his own personal referee I never imagined I’d have to carry a crucifix to the ring to ward off angry spirits. But here we are and here it is, tightly gripped in my right hand, throbbing and veiny…
The crucifix…
Penisfix?
REGARDLESS!!!
The fact of the matter is the Face of the Franchise and the Infamous one are stepping into Spirit Halloween Wrestling in an Apocalypse match against my best friend in the world who unfortunately drank Angel’s “kool aid”, the God? Himself, Blake, Mini Angel Matthews, Dean “I’d totally bang you” Harper, Creepy Caleb and Warren “What the Fuck Happened to you???” Kane…
Oh and the corporate dickheads. Verona. Arcane. Pooler? Never figured Pooler for a corporate kiss ass but then again I never figured Pooler at all. If it wasn’t for the sticky note in front of me with everyone’s names on it I’d have forgotten he was even in this match.
Didn’t Pooler used to take it up the pooper for Blake? Then Spike? Probably Alex. He’s kinda like the town bicycle, everyone gets a ride but nobody really loves him because he’s so goddamn forgettable.
That’s not really like a bike at all, is it?
Sounds more like a whore. Pooler is a whore. And nobody loves you Bob. NOBODY! Not even your Mama! I should know because we were just discussing how disappointed we are in you. And oh, your dad has some rough hands. Working hands. Man knows how to make me squeel…
Sorry. I got distracted.
Right. So Apocalypse Match. The Age of Gods versus the Pack versus Caboolo versus Infamously Bueno. It’s gonna be hell. It’s gonna be bloody. It’s gonna be full of people promising to kill each other because that’s how wrestling works! DIDN’T YOU SEE FIONA MCFLY VERSUS ROWAN!!!!
Caberto employs serial killers and is proud of. Hell, I’d go a step further and say they endorse them. Why else would Gilmore still have a job? Mother fucker murders ratings left and right. Like a goddamn chainsaw to the viewing audience. I swear to god. What is the appeal of James fucking Gilmore? Like is there an inside joke I’m not a part of or something? Just fire the kid already. CHRIST!
Sorry, tangent again. I was big upping this match and shitting all over Cable and Roberto.
Have I brought up the fact Cable calls himself the Best in the World and has only wrestled like three times this year? Why doesn’t anyone call him out on that? Like it seems suspect to me. How can you be the Best in the World and never wrestle? I feel like that title is something you would need to, I don’t know, live up to every now and again? And didn’t Cable lose his last match too, to my buddy Steve? Like, maybe Second Best in the World or Third Best in the World is more accurate.
I’m just saying.
And Verona? I ain’t never liked you. You’re a pompous little prick who thinks the whole world revolves around him. Guess what Batman, IWF ain’t the only goddamn wrestling company out there. Sure, you’ve got the absolute best workers in the business wrestling for you. And sure, you offer the most chances and the best pay checks. And sure you’re more than fair when it comes to merchandise.
BUT ARE YOU AWARE!? That I could go wrestle JFK in a bingo hall for a World Title!? Are you aware that I don’t have to deal with your political bullshit and take on Kole Kaos in a high school parking lot!? Have you even considered that right now the Redneck Renegades are turning tricks for cash!!!
The wrestling industry doesn’t need a dirty dealer like you.
You probably endorse Trump to, don’t you!?
You make me sick, Roberto. SICK! And if I had it my way I’d be working down in the Bush Leagues with the real visionaries! The people who saw through your corruption and chose to walk away! The people who just wanna win matches and never ever be challenged! The people who exposed you for the bigot employer you are!
Do you even employ black people on your staff?
NO!
Bigot.
But that’s enough about Roberto “I definitely voted for Trump” Verona.
Time to move on to that sexy son of a bitch, Dean Harper and his lover boys.
Dean, WHEN Infamously Bueno wins this match.
I chose you.
I chose you to come on over to the bright side and drink mojitos at my home in SoCal. You’re like a sexy Dexter. Like if you pulled up to me on the street in a white panel van I wouldn’t even second guess getting in with you. It should be illegal to be so goddamn sexy. I’ve got a raging danger boner just thinking about locking up with you in the ring.
Gonna have to throw on the loose pants for this match, don’t wanna pop a tent while I’m pinning you.
Why is it all the sexy ones belong to a cult? Honestly. Jim Jones, hot as fuck, David Koresh(?), beautiful man and Dean Harper. It’s as if Angel Blake molded you from granite. A master piece. And like, I wouldn’t say I’m bisexual but I’d absolutely naked Greco Roman wrestle you anytime, any place. Preferably in my bed. Or a hot tub. Or on the beach. I mean, basically anywhere.
Sorry. I know I’m supposed to talk about how I’m going to kick your ass in this match but I’ve got your picture as my background and I can’t stop looking into your eyes.
So instead I’m gonna turn this raging boner in the direction of Caleb and Warren. Warren, a once upon a time best friend who I helped totally embarrass a while back with my real best friend turned archangel, Spike Kane. Look Warren, I understand the unholy ass whopping Spike and I dropped on you was decimating to your psyche but did we really kick your ass all the way to hell?
I mean, is this just like a goth stage or something?
As your godfather I’m a little concerned. Like I used to wear black eye liner and torn wrestling gear up until about five years ago when I grew this epic beard and realized I wasn’t fourteen anymore but come on Warren!? You’re literally worshipping the devil! I get that maybe Rowan doesn’t allow wifi at the dojo but you have to have caught one of her promos where she basically says it!
Angel calls her the morningstar!!!!
That’s not cool, Warren. It’s not cool to worship the devil. Like, Hell isn’t fun. It’s not a place you wanna hang out. Sure, Dean’s sexy ass will be there and I’m totally gonna go to rage bang him but I want better for my god son! YOU DESERVE BETTER!
That’s why I promise you from the bottom of my heart I will not stop kicking your ass until you see the light. That’s how much I goddamn love you.
Hey Caleb, nice to see you’ve grown since carrying around Conway’s ball bag for about a year. Most people never escape the oppressive weight of his massive ego. But then when you’re as smart and amazing as The Ace how can anyone beneath him ever really grow past that?
The Rob smirks.
Caleb, I’m gonna be honest. I don’t give a rats ass about you. I don’t even care enough about you to research you. So that being said I’m going to make a lot of broad insults in your general direction and maybe some of them will be accurate, maybe some of them will be way off but again. I don’t care.
You As I Lay Dying, Brandon Lee loving mother fucker. I’m gonna kick your Parkway Drive worshipping ass all the way back to Hot Topic. Then I’m gonna choke you out with the third shirt I get in one of their sweet buy two get one free t-shirt sales and the shirt will be a Marilyn Manson one so it’ll be ironic you pass out beneath who I assume you think is God!
Also! Wallet chains are lame! I don’t know if you have one but you probably do! And it’s not 2002 anymore! Just put your wallet in your side pocket like a normal person! ALSO! Wearing all black isn’t cool either! There are other colors! Red! Pink! Green! You can be monochromatic in 2018 and still be all depressing and goth!
Owned.
Last and certainly least.
Spike, what in the actual fuck happened to you?
Like a few months ago we were chilling in your back yard, grilling some dogs, talking shit, drinking some home brewed beers and now you’re living in a goddamn abandoned YMCA campground with a Crow looking mother fucker who has a Panther as a goddamn pet!!!
Where did I fail you, Spike? Where did I go wrong? Did I not hug you enough? Did I not say I love you enough? WHAT HAPPENED!?
Say it with me Spike, you are not the archangel Michael! YOU ARE NOT THE ARCHANGEL MICHAEL! You are Spike Kane, great friend, honestly pretty terrible father but GREAT FRIEND! I mean, Angel is the guy we used to make fun of together for being so goddamn weird. Remember Social Distortion!? We kicked Angel’s ass all over the goddamn nation together! You damn near murdered him in your final NCW match!
He is not God!
He’s just some fucking guy who got way too goddamn high and fried his brain cells. He’s got the fashion sense of a dominatrix and an ego the size of the milky way galaxy.
JUST WALK AWAY, SPIKE!
Because I really don’t wanna have to fight you in this match. Last time we fought and you were all demonic I lost a fucking finger and I’m not looking forward to reliving that moment again. It wasn’t fucking fun. I just want my buddy back. I just wanna rib you about how hot Freya is and how bad I wanna get with her. I wanna chill and drink beers and watch old Falcon matches taking a shot everytime he goes for a roll up.
I WANT SPIKE BACK!
I don’t care if it’s tattooed slick haired Spike or a little over weight short haired Spike or the new and improved sweet hair cut Spike. I just want my best buddy back. I miss him. He was pretty cool and I wasn’t worried about him slitting my throat in an elaborate ceremony to worship Angel fucktard Blake.
Speaking of the Gothic God.
Dude, I’m not trying to break kayfabe here but you are aware you aren’t God, right?
Like you have to know deep down inside that God isn’t some painted up freak in tight leather pants. He’s a bearded gentlemen with with a distinguished beard in a Jedi robe. Basically he’s Luke Skywalker in the Last Jedi. We all know this. We’ve seen the paintings. God is not Rob Zombie on heroin. He isn’t some fucking nightmare come to life with a panther. He’s a lovable little scamp who enjoys people waging wars in his name. That’s God.
You’re just a psychopath.
Or sociopath.
You’re definitely a path and a bad one too! You use people. You use my friends! You brain wash them into believing in your bullshit and then you exploit them! And somehow even though Spike kicked your ass and took your title you’re still the leader of that group!!?? That’s how fucking maddening your mental prowess is because the Spike Kane I came up with would have Davey Ortega’ed your ass by now and reformed the mother fucking Empire!!!
Deep cut.
Blake. I’m not gonna sit here and say you’re just a man and all that horse shit. You’re not just a man. You’re a fucking evil monster. If Rowan is the devil then Angel Blake is the devil’s fucking rapey weird uncle. But you’re dangerous. Very dangerous. And I’m aware of that. You got a panther. That’s fucking awesome. And I know you’re not afraid to use it. Thing is Blake, we’ve got a Malo. He’s a human fucking shield. And while the panther is busy ripping him to shreds Steve and I are going to own your leather wrapped ass.
Jayson, see everything I said about Spike but subtract the fact I actually like him and that’s what I have to say to you.
You suck. You’re bad. And you should feel bad.
You’re the fucking Zeitgeist to Angel’s Deadpool and we are going to chuck your bitch ass head first into a wood chipper!
And if you ain’t down with that then I only got two words for ya.
SUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!0!!!!!!!!!!!
Well howdy there pardner.