Post by Trent Helms on Sept 15, 2013 22:42:21 GMT
(I was running low on time this week, If it's okay, i will make this Promo better to read when I get time, such as adding color and spellchecking the second half of it, I don't want it to be a Chore to Read)
Everyone keeps telling me. Alex Jones is the defector. Alex Jones is the man who took out Machado before his rematch with Bushido.
They also tell me, I can’t wrestle. My commentary skills are all about dick and fart jokes.
That I’m irreverent, which I’m washed up. That I’m a Has-Been.
To everyone.
Please do me a favor and shut the hell up.
I don’t believe Alex Jones has turned against my division. I don’t believe Jones has sunken back into the depths that he spent the early part of the year in.
Why would he go back to Xander Famularo. Why would Alex Jones, the man who potential far outweighs the douchebaggery that he spits out.
I tend to be right about said things. I called out that Xander Famularo would eventually form a group with Verona in NCW, and I’m not calling Alex Jones anything, but what he is.
A Friend who talents are often overlooked because he spent a lifetime taking it balls deep in the ass by the Knite Family.
On a long enough timeline, eventually Trent Helms is right about everything.
I haven’t asked you, I haven’t texted you. I haven’t said anything about what Jake Keeton of all people claimed to be true.
Jake Keeton of all people, the man who couldn’t keep a contract in the big leagues of NCW, and settled for it’s lesser known rival, yet claimed to be the best wrestler alive. This claim came from a man who used a special elbow pad to win matches.
Who are you going to believe? That guy or a man who told you, He was from another planet, that he received sex from Scar-Jo.
Don’t answer that.
I believe you Brother.
But enough about that, let’s get to the real shit Alex.
In just a few minutes.
First I will throw some Character Development at you, The type that will finally include CGI and Honey Badgers.
Yes Honey Badgers.
I know you asked me not to do this, I know you told me, No DBZ stuff, No Star Trek Shit. Well screw you buddy, I’m doing it anyways.
Why?
Because you gave me the whole…I can’t handle this shit deal. You exposed a weakness on your behalf, Now I’m going to totally piss you off, It’s okay, We’re kiss and make up, and give each other blowies later.
The scene opens, as Ashlie and Trent are standing there, still outside the Panic Room door, in which Christian has locked himself and their newborn child in.
Trent, this story arch has gone on long enough, Don’t you think it’s time to just end it, and what not?
Not Yet, Because we have to defend ourselves.
What?
In 3……2……1
DEFENSE MODE ACTIVATED!
Trent, what is that, Just tell me, You just have a alarm, that notifies the police, and that our children will get out.
Nope, It wouldn’t be a Trent Helms security system then.
{The scene shifts as the feed goes to static, Before Vince Offer appears on your scene, His face isn’t bleeding, which means, Mr. Offer hasn’t fought with a hooker lately.
I’m VINCE OFFER AND I’m HERE TO SELL YOU THE TRENT HELMS SECRUITY SYSTEM, WHY HAVE A SIMPLE ALARM, THAT CALLS THE POLICE, WHEN YOU CAN HAVE A SECRUITY SYSTEM THAT OPENS A HOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR ROOM AND ALLOWS SHARKS WILL FUCKING LASER BEAMS TO DO WHAT GOD AND SCIENCE INTENDED THEM TO DO!
Seriously….Sharks with Laser Beams?
YES SHARKS WITH LASER BEAMS, WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT YOUR RUN OF THE MILL LASER POINTER, EACH SEVEN FOOT HAMMERHEAD SHARK IS EQUIPED WITH DUAL MOUNTED BFG 9000’S!
The feed switches back to where Trent and Ashlie are, as a hole opens up in Trent’s apartment to reveal said Hammerhead Sharks with Freaking Laser Beams, The Sharks Fire them sending a huge ball of BIG FUCKING ENERGY all over the apartment, Sadly the sharks aren’t exactly marksmen and they end up blowing each other up rather quickly.
That wasn’t too bad.
BUT THAT”S NOT ALL FOLKS, WHILE THE SHARKS ARE SIMPLY JUST WHAT’S TO COME, PART TWO IS WHERE THINGS GET EVEN BETTER, WHAT’S BETTER THEN SHARKS WITH BFG 9000’S YOU ASK, WHAT ABOUT HONEY BADGERS, YOU THINK YOU HAD ENOUGH YET? HONEY BADGERS DON”T GIVE A FUCK!
Trent, Why do I do this, Why do I always leave myself in a position to deal with stuff like this?
What do you mean?
Atleast in a Joe Everyman promo, all I had to do was fake the Big Oh, Here I have to fight Honey Badgers.
Do you want to go back to banging Joe Everyman?
No.
It’s okay…..Jarvis open defensive protocol 4532.
Yes Sir.
You paid Paul Bethany to do voice over in your apartment?
Suddenly, a wall opens up, as a swarm of angry honey badgers begin to swarm on the couple.
So Honey Badgers are harmless, Right Trent?
Haven’t you seen the documentary. They are some nastyass motherfuckers, Who enjoy some Surplus Killing.
Shit.
Suddenly another compartment opens, as a suit drops down on Ashlie, it looks like a Iron-Man suit, but is painted in her horrible Tarheel Blue color scheme.
The Honey Badgers swarm, as we focus back on Trent, who smirks.
Sorry Alex.
TRENT BEGINS TO SCREAM, AS THE CAMERA SHAKES, YOU KNOW WHAT IS COMING, But I’m OUT OF TIME!
So this is it, The moment that will either go down in history. The moment where I finally see if I’m really as good as I once was. Jesus that sounded like a lame ass country song. Regardless here I am. Ready to see if my body really can go to the limits it once did. To see if my body can hold out. To see if I really was rebuilt Stronger, Faster, Better then before.
For a second time this month I face Alex Jones and while I have a pinfall victory over the man. This time Alex doesn’t have to worry about dividing his efforts on another person. This week I face the man who like the forementioned Honey Badgers in that Character Development. He is just as dangerous as one.
That should tell you exactly what I think of Alex Jones.
The man is a good friend. Maybe not on the level where I consider Ander or where Adam Knite once was, But a good friend regardless.
I have to be on my game this week. Alex is just that dangerous. Even more so now. He’s being pissed on by his brother in law and called a traitor.
Basically this is going to be like if Leon Kennedy fought Albert Wesker. Both are super badasses.
You can tell something has changed here. Last week I was super confident against Bushido, and while I wasn’t defeated. I was foolish and let down my defenses. Bushido is a resourceful opponent, Maybe a bit of a unknown to me, But from the sample I got in the ring with his last week, I know the dude can go. He kicks almost as hard as Brad Kane, and is as smart as Adam Knite inside of the ring.
But Bushido is not the reason I’m dobuting myself.
It’s because I failed in my role to protect this division.
Whoever the two men are who attacked, Managed to take down me and Bushido, almost easily. I tried Blade, I really did, when they attacked you, To come to your aid, I wasn’t prepared for a second attacker to blindside me.
On a funny note.
Clearly I showed some real FIGHTING SPIRIT, But getting back up and getting back to the announce table.
But this promo isn’t about the Jagerdicks.
It’s about you Alex, The man who I face this week.
I know exactly how dangerous you are, Our careers for the most part have been identical to each other, We’re both former World Champions, Both are Triple Crown Winners, and we both have paid for Breast Implants.
Which I must say, Shelley’s came out nicely.
But we’re not here to talk about titties, or for me to go more off topic then before.
This is about me, and if I can defeat you when it actually matters.
You should feel honor Alex, You have me off my game right now, You have me on the ropes.
Usually I’m speaking a thousand words a second, and following what I say is usually quite a chore, but today, I’m just not feeling it, maybe it’s because I don’t want to hurt your feelings, maybe it’s because deep down, I feel like I’m being screwed considering I should already be number one contender. Maybe it’s because my mind is elsewhere.
The God Damn Juggernauts might of finally gotten in my head.
Sucks to be them.
The good Doctor Griffith, tried to probe deep into my head. Let’s just say, I was told I could no longer see him. The human mind can only take so much randomness and inside my head, It’s like that South Park Episode Imagineland. Except times that by twenty one thousand, five hundred and that’s what you get.
Even my mind is running at a pace I can’t keep up. I have doubts that maybe you are a juggernaut. I mean it’s not like there is really many choices that can be used. Keeton is gone, Machado was laid out, Rob is a tag champion, Cable is off recovering from being turned into a burnt piece of toast. Gjenrei speaks worse English then me. Who else could it be.
Logic tells me, You’re the one, You’re the defector. But I just refuse to believe it. You can’t be. You’re like this super cute version of me. No It can’t be you.
And It can’t be me either. Not like Xander would ever ask me.
He thinks I’m too old, Too washed up…Too Stupid.
Clearly he missed the memo that Thirty One is the new Twenty-One.
I just know one thing, Alex you seemed to be pissed off, and right now, for some reason I’m not my usual self. I just allowed myself to be baited into using CGI as I’m strapped for ideas right now.
Tomorrow night in the ring. We both know it’s going to be a different story.
You know first hand how I can snap from one motion to another.
And once again Alex, While you may be one of the best wrestlers in the world.
You’re no Trent Helms.
Don’t feel bad, There can only be one.
With that, I’m going to be looking for the kill, looking for the one mistake that you will make, and you will make it.
Then it will be off with your head.
Dance Till You Dead.
I don’t know why I said that, maybe I have the Yeah Yeah Yeah stuck in my head.
Regardless, After all is said and done, and I defeat you once again, I hope you’re going to be the better man and shake my hand.
We can end this bullshit, and we can focus on once again, teaming together to take down another group of punks, like we did against the Young Guns.
So I say goodbye Alex, I’m so off my game, I’m going to end it, by quoting Steve Awesome.
Deuces.
Everyone keeps telling me. Alex Jones is the defector. Alex Jones is the man who took out Machado before his rematch with Bushido.
They also tell me, I can’t wrestle. My commentary skills are all about dick and fart jokes.
That I’m irreverent, which I’m washed up. That I’m a Has-Been.
To everyone.
Please do me a favor and shut the hell up.
I don’t believe Alex Jones has turned against my division. I don’t believe Jones has sunken back into the depths that he spent the early part of the year in.
Why would he go back to Xander Famularo. Why would Alex Jones, the man who potential far outweighs the douchebaggery that he spits out.
I tend to be right about said things. I called out that Xander Famularo would eventually form a group with Verona in NCW, and I’m not calling Alex Jones anything, but what he is.
A Friend who talents are often overlooked because he spent a lifetime taking it balls deep in the ass by the Knite Family.
On a long enough timeline, eventually Trent Helms is right about everything.
I haven’t asked you, I haven’t texted you. I haven’t said anything about what Jake Keeton of all people claimed to be true.
Jake Keeton of all people, the man who couldn’t keep a contract in the big leagues of NCW, and settled for it’s lesser known rival, yet claimed to be the best wrestler alive. This claim came from a man who used a special elbow pad to win matches.
Who are you going to believe? That guy or a man who told you, He was from another planet, that he received sex from Scar-Jo.
Don’t answer that.
I believe you Brother.
But enough about that, let’s get to the real shit Alex.
In just a few minutes.
First I will throw some Character Development at you, The type that will finally include CGI and Honey Badgers.
Yes Honey Badgers.
I know you asked me not to do this, I know you told me, No DBZ stuff, No Star Trek Shit. Well screw you buddy, I’m doing it anyways.
Why?
Because you gave me the whole…I can’t handle this shit deal. You exposed a weakness on your behalf, Now I’m going to totally piss you off, It’s okay, We’re kiss and make up, and give each other blowies later.
The scene opens, as Ashlie and Trent are standing there, still outside the Panic Room door, in which Christian has locked himself and their newborn child in.
Trent, this story arch has gone on long enough, Don’t you think it’s time to just end it, and what not?
Not Yet, Because we have to defend ourselves.
What?
In 3……2……1
DEFENSE MODE ACTIVATED!
Trent, what is that, Just tell me, You just have a alarm, that notifies the police, and that our children will get out.
Nope, It wouldn’t be a Trent Helms security system then.
{The scene shifts as the feed goes to static, Before Vince Offer appears on your scene, His face isn’t bleeding, which means, Mr. Offer hasn’t fought with a hooker lately.
I’m VINCE OFFER AND I’m HERE TO SELL YOU THE TRENT HELMS SECRUITY SYSTEM, WHY HAVE A SIMPLE ALARM, THAT CALLS THE POLICE, WHEN YOU CAN HAVE A SECRUITY SYSTEM THAT OPENS A HOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR ROOM AND ALLOWS SHARKS WILL FUCKING LASER BEAMS TO DO WHAT GOD AND SCIENCE INTENDED THEM TO DO!
Seriously….Sharks with Laser Beams?
YES SHARKS WITH LASER BEAMS, WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT YOUR RUN OF THE MILL LASER POINTER, EACH SEVEN FOOT HAMMERHEAD SHARK IS EQUIPED WITH DUAL MOUNTED BFG 9000’S!
The feed switches back to where Trent and Ashlie are, as a hole opens up in Trent’s apartment to reveal said Hammerhead Sharks with Freaking Laser Beams, The Sharks Fire them sending a huge ball of BIG FUCKING ENERGY all over the apartment, Sadly the sharks aren’t exactly marksmen and they end up blowing each other up rather quickly.
That wasn’t too bad.
BUT THAT”S NOT ALL FOLKS, WHILE THE SHARKS ARE SIMPLY JUST WHAT’S TO COME, PART TWO IS WHERE THINGS GET EVEN BETTER, WHAT’S BETTER THEN SHARKS WITH BFG 9000’S YOU ASK, WHAT ABOUT HONEY BADGERS, YOU THINK YOU HAD ENOUGH YET? HONEY BADGERS DON”T GIVE A FUCK!
Trent, Why do I do this, Why do I always leave myself in a position to deal with stuff like this?
What do you mean?
Atleast in a Joe Everyman promo, all I had to do was fake the Big Oh, Here I have to fight Honey Badgers.
Do you want to go back to banging Joe Everyman?
No.
It’s okay…..Jarvis open defensive protocol 4532.
Yes Sir.
You paid Paul Bethany to do voice over in your apartment?
Suddenly, a wall opens up, as a swarm of angry honey badgers begin to swarm on the couple.
So Honey Badgers are harmless, Right Trent?
Haven’t you seen the documentary. They are some nastyass motherfuckers, Who enjoy some Surplus Killing.
Shit.
Suddenly another compartment opens, as a suit drops down on Ashlie, it looks like a Iron-Man suit, but is painted in her horrible Tarheel Blue color scheme.
The Honey Badgers swarm, as we focus back on Trent, who smirks.
Sorry Alex.
TRENT BEGINS TO SCREAM, AS THE CAMERA SHAKES, YOU KNOW WHAT IS COMING, But I’m OUT OF TIME!
So this is it, The moment that will either go down in history. The moment where I finally see if I’m really as good as I once was. Jesus that sounded like a lame ass country song. Regardless here I am. Ready to see if my body really can go to the limits it once did. To see if my body can hold out. To see if I really was rebuilt Stronger, Faster, Better then before.
For a second time this month I face Alex Jones and while I have a pinfall victory over the man. This time Alex doesn’t have to worry about dividing his efforts on another person. This week I face the man who like the forementioned Honey Badgers in that Character Development. He is just as dangerous as one.
That should tell you exactly what I think of Alex Jones.
The man is a good friend. Maybe not on the level where I consider Ander or where Adam Knite once was, But a good friend regardless.
I have to be on my game this week. Alex is just that dangerous. Even more so now. He’s being pissed on by his brother in law and called a traitor.
Basically this is going to be like if Leon Kennedy fought Albert Wesker. Both are super badasses.
You can tell something has changed here. Last week I was super confident against Bushido, and while I wasn’t defeated. I was foolish and let down my defenses. Bushido is a resourceful opponent, Maybe a bit of a unknown to me, But from the sample I got in the ring with his last week, I know the dude can go. He kicks almost as hard as Brad Kane, and is as smart as Adam Knite inside of the ring.
But Bushido is not the reason I’m dobuting myself.
It’s because I failed in my role to protect this division.
Whoever the two men are who attacked, Managed to take down me and Bushido, almost easily. I tried Blade, I really did, when they attacked you, To come to your aid, I wasn’t prepared for a second attacker to blindside me.
On a funny note.
Clearly I showed some real FIGHTING SPIRIT, But getting back up and getting back to the announce table.
But this promo isn’t about the Jagerdicks.
It’s about you Alex, The man who I face this week.
I know exactly how dangerous you are, Our careers for the most part have been identical to each other, We’re both former World Champions, Both are Triple Crown Winners, and we both have paid for Breast Implants.
Which I must say, Shelley’s came out nicely.
But we’re not here to talk about titties, or for me to go more off topic then before.
This is about me, and if I can defeat you when it actually matters.
You should feel honor Alex, You have me off my game right now, You have me on the ropes.
Usually I’m speaking a thousand words a second, and following what I say is usually quite a chore, but today, I’m just not feeling it, maybe it’s because I don’t want to hurt your feelings, maybe it’s because deep down, I feel like I’m being screwed considering I should already be number one contender. Maybe it’s because my mind is elsewhere.
The God Damn Juggernauts might of finally gotten in my head.
Sucks to be them.
The good Doctor Griffith, tried to probe deep into my head. Let’s just say, I was told I could no longer see him. The human mind can only take so much randomness and inside my head, It’s like that South Park Episode Imagineland. Except times that by twenty one thousand, five hundred and that’s what you get.
Even my mind is running at a pace I can’t keep up. I have doubts that maybe you are a juggernaut. I mean it’s not like there is really many choices that can be used. Keeton is gone, Machado was laid out, Rob is a tag champion, Cable is off recovering from being turned into a burnt piece of toast. Gjenrei speaks worse English then me. Who else could it be.
Logic tells me, You’re the one, You’re the defector. But I just refuse to believe it. You can’t be. You’re like this super cute version of me. No It can’t be you.
And It can’t be me either. Not like Xander would ever ask me.
He thinks I’m too old, Too washed up…Too Stupid.
Clearly he missed the memo that Thirty One is the new Twenty-One.
I just know one thing, Alex you seemed to be pissed off, and right now, for some reason I’m not my usual self. I just allowed myself to be baited into using CGI as I’m strapped for ideas right now.
Tomorrow night in the ring. We both know it’s going to be a different story.
You know first hand how I can snap from one motion to another.
And once again Alex, While you may be one of the best wrestlers in the world.
You’re no Trent Helms.
Don’t feel bad, There can only be one.
With that, I’m going to be looking for the kill, looking for the one mistake that you will make, and you will make it.
Then it will be off with your head.
Dance Till You Dead.
I don’t know why I said that, maybe I have the Yeah Yeah Yeah stuck in my head.
Regardless, After all is said and done, and I defeat you once again, I hope you’re going to be the better man and shake my hand.
We can end this bullshit, and we can focus on once again, teaming together to take down another group of punks, like we did against the Young Guns.
So I say goodbye Alex, I’m so off my game, I’m going to end it, by quoting Steve Awesome.
Deuces.
Well howdy there pardner.