Post by Eternity on Aug 31, 2021 17:18:43 GMT
It was not that long ago. No, not very long ago at all.
It was the day after the night before. Before another perfectly imperfect end. Exactly like the first, the first of many, the first of too many in fact and still they did not understand.
How could they?
How could they ever truly understand?
They could not, they did not. It didn’t even matter. The only thing that ever mattered was that it was over. It was all over. It was all over once again. It was over all over again.
Eyes turned towards Heaven and my World was no longer there, just as it had been yesterday. It was not that long ago, was it? No, not very long ago at all.
It couldn’t be.
It wasn’t meant to be.
The book of my life wasn’t supposed to end like this. It couldn’t, it shouldn’t.
A brief, bad chapter would not define my entire life story. It had not the first time. It would not the last time. And this was not the last time, no matter what a thousand discordant voices said. No matter what a million more thought, running through my head.
In absolute darkness, I sat upon the throne of my grim responsibility.
I owe him this life, I owe him so much. And still, it is not enough. It will never be enough.
Head thrown back in sharp submission, my voice low, my bones weary, nowhere near as strong as those under me. His seat was uncomfortable, most uncomfortable. Still I sat among the snakes and the rib cages because I deserved no less and I certainly deserved no more.
I’m sorry. I let you down. You expected so much more from me, you deserve so much more from me. Next time, there will be a next time, won’t there?
Oh please, say there will be a next time.
This isn’t the end of the world is it, God?
No, it can’t be. It never is for us, is it?
If it is, please give me a sign.
Guide my next step, where should I go from here?
A burst of light, not from above, but from my left as the door to my sanctuary swung open and I heard her sweet voice call out to me. The sweetest little voice of an Angel I had ever heard. There was a time, not so long ago, I thought I’d never hear it again.
Not in this lifetime.
Abigail: E?
I smiled through the pain, for her.
She stepped further into the darkness, unafraid, turning back only to shut the door behind her. Sealing us both in here, in the darkness, alone together. She strode with more confidence now towards me, a wider, brighter more beautiful smile across her face, as if such things were possible.
As if all things were possible.
She sat down on the floor, some distance away from me and my throne.
Her face, a picture of quiet disappointment in me. As if she expected better, knew I was better than this. I had let her down too, of course I had. How could I not?
I always let everyone down.
I’m sorry…
Abigail: For what, honey?
Everything. I don’t like seeing you so sad…
Abigail: I ain’t sad. I’m just…disappointed…
In me?
She shook her head firmly.
Abigail: No. Not in you. Not exactly. More your taste in furniture. You know that that throne you’re sittin’ on right now, ain’t you, don’t you? It’s fuckin’ him. I know he was an inspiration ta ya an’ all, but do ya really have ta live in his shadow all the time?
I don’t know, do we?
She watched me get up and move slowly across the floor to close the distance between us.
Abigail: Christ, I hope not. Ain’t nobody deservin’ of that kind of penance, least of all you…you’ve been through so much already. You deserve so much better.
Our eyes meet as I sit down in front of her, an equal.
I deserve no more than you. I’m no better than you, no worse but no better. If I don’t deserve to be weighed down by the weight of his expectations, neither do you, Abby…
Abigail: You’re right. I know you’re right, that’s kinda why I’m here. We both need ta move on from Spike Kane, I just don’t know how. An’ even if I did, I don’t think I can do it alone. I don’t think I can, without ya…your help, I mean. I still see him sometimes, and…I thought ya may be able ta help me deal. Ain’t many others I can turn ta about this without jeopardisin’ my career renaissance, ya know?
I know. I understand. Completely.
She moved closer, naturally. Her voice became softer and her gaze more intense, unbroken as she spoke.
Abigail: So ya will help me?
She saw me nod slowly, her smile complimented her slight blush as I took her hand in mine. I whispered softly.
It’s why we’re here, my love. I’m here to help. Always…
Abigail: Maybe we can both help each other…stop livin’ in his shadow…
Oh, I’d love to. I’d like that very much. Heart feels too full sometimes, I don’t want to forget, I just don’t want to mourn him forever, you know?
She nods softly.
Abigail: I know and I understand. Completely.
She smiled.
So will you help me?
She nods slowly. My smile complimented hers. It felt warmer in here than it ever had in a long, long, long, long, long, long damned time. She wrapped an arm around me and rested her head on my shoulder, sighing softly.
Abigail: It’s crazy, ya know?
What?
Abigail: Everythin’. All this. How safe I feel, have always felt around ya. I just wish I knew why so it could make some Goddamned sense. I thought it was maybe just a case of hero worship, like ya an’ Spike, ya know? I looked up ta ya as an inspiration, like ya did with him, so I get it. But bein’ here with ya now, just the two of us like this, I know it ain’t that. I know it never was. It’s always been somethin’ more…
Maybe. Maybe it’s not supposed to. Maybe it’s not supposed to make sense. Maybe just like life. Just like death, we’re not supposed to understand it. Maybe we’re just supposed to feel it. Process it. Accept it for what it is.
Abigail: Maybe. So, you do feel the same, don’t you? That there’s this…connection between us? It ain’t just me, right? I ain’t just bein’ plum crazy about all this, am I?
You’re no crazier than I am. We feel what we feel and it’s stupid to invalidate them just because we’re afraid of the consequences. I’ve done that for far too long, wasted so many lives. Not this time. Not this time. Shelly was wrong. I can say the words. I should have said them a long time ago. Three little words you deserve to hear.
She cupped my face, turned my head until our eyes locked and spoke softly. She felt so warm, I thought I would melt right here and now.
Abigail: Please don’t say them unless ya mean them. You have nothin’ ta prove ta anyone, least of all Shelly fuckin’ Diamond.
I know, but I want to say them. I mean them. Absolutely.
She smiled widely.
Abigail: In that case, don’t let me stop ya. Please, continue…
Three little words…
A deep breath, slow exhale. Her eyes sparkled with anticipation.
Thank you Abby…
I smiled at her, her face dropped slightly and she sighed. her cuddle, slightly tightened, forcing yet another slow breath to escape from me. Her head returned softly to my shoulder before she spoke again.
Abigail: God Bless Ya…
Three little words finally spoken at the end of our world, again.
Three more would change everything, in time. When everything was right again.
Until then, Abby and I really did have the rest of this life together.
All the time in the world, even as we had both lost so much already. Whatever else we still had to lose, at least we wouldn’t have to do it alone anymore.
This was not the end of the world as I knew it or had ever known it.
No, this time felt different. This felt like so much more.
For the first time in forever, this felt like home again.
My head met hers and we sat alone, together for quite some time in darkness.
Feeling complete, like two halves of the same perpetually haunted circle. Not because of our ghosts, but in spite of them.
It was the day after the night before. Before another perfectly imperfect end. Exactly like the first, the first of many, the first of too many in fact and still they did not understand.
How could they?
How could they ever truly understand?
They could not, they did not. It didn’t even matter. The only thing that ever mattered was that it was over. It was all over. It was all over once again. It was over all over again.
Eyes turned towards Heaven and my World was no longer there, just as it had been yesterday. It was not that long ago, was it? No, not very long ago at all.
It couldn’t be.
It wasn’t meant to be.
The book of my life wasn’t supposed to end like this. It couldn’t, it shouldn’t.
A brief, bad chapter would not define my entire life story. It had not the first time. It would not the last time. And this was not the last time, no matter what a thousand discordant voices said. No matter what a million more thought, running through my head.
In absolute darkness, I sat upon the throne of my grim responsibility.
I owe him this life, I owe him so much. And still, it is not enough. It will never be enough.
Head thrown back in sharp submission, my voice low, my bones weary, nowhere near as strong as those under me. His seat was uncomfortable, most uncomfortable. Still I sat among the snakes and the rib cages because I deserved no less and I certainly deserved no more.
I’m sorry. I let you down. You expected so much more from me, you deserve so much more from me. Next time, there will be a next time, won’t there?
Oh please, say there will be a next time.
This isn’t the end of the world is it, God?
No, it can’t be. It never is for us, is it?
If it is, please give me a sign.
Guide my next step, where should I go from here?
A burst of light, not from above, but from my left as the door to my sanctuary swung open and I heard her sweet voice call out to me. The sweetest little voice of an Angel I had ever heard. There was a time, not so long ago, I thought I’d never hear it again.
Not in this lifetime.
Abigail: E?
I smiled through the pain, for her.
She stepped further into the darkness, unafraid, turning back only to shut the door behind her. Sealing us both in here, in the darkness, alone together. She strode with more confidence now towards me, a wider, brighter more beautiful smile across her face, as if such things were possible.
As if all things were possible.
She sat down on the floor, some distance away from me and my throne.
Her face, a picture of quiet disappointment in me. As if she expected better, knew I was better than this. I had let her down too, of course I had. How could I not?
I always let everyone down.
I’m sorry…
Abigail: For what, honey?
Everything. I don’t like seeing you so sad…
Abigail: I ain’t sad. I’m just…disappointed…
In me?
She shook her head firmly.
Abigail: No. Not in you. Not exactly. More your taste in furniture. You know that that throne you’re sittin’ on right now, ain’t you, don’t you? It’s fuckin’ him. I know he was an inspiration ta ya an’ all, but do ya really have ta live in his shadow all the time?
I don’t know, do we?
She watched me get up and move slowly across the floor to close the distance between us.
Abigail: Christ, I hope not. Ain’t nobody deservin’ of that kind of penance, least of all you…you’ve been through so much already. You deserve so much better.
Our eyes meet as I sit down in front of her, an equal.
I deserve no more than you. I’m no better than you, no worse but no better. If I don’t deserve to be weighed down by the weight of his expectations, neither do you, Abby…
Abigail: You’re right. I know you’re right, that’s kinda why I’m here. We both need ta move on from Spike Kane, I just don’t know how. An’ even if I did, I don’t think I can do it alone. I don’t think I can, without ya…your help, I mean. I still see him sometimes, and…I thought ya may be able ta help me deal. Ain’t many others I can turn ta about this without jeopardisin’ my career renaissance, ya know?
I know. I understand. Completely.
She moved closer, naturally. Her voice became softer and her gaze more intense, unbroken as she spoke.
Abigail: So ya will help me?
She saw me nod slowly, her smile complimented her slight blush as I took her hand in mine. I whispered softly.
It’s why we’re here, my love. I’m here to help. Always…
Abigail: Maybe we can both help each other…stop livin’ in his shadow…
Oh, I’d love to. I’d like that very much. Heart feels too full sometimes, I don’t want to forget, I just don’t want to mourn him forever, you know?
She nods softly.
Abigail: I know and I understand. Completely.
She smiled.
So will you help me?
She nods slowly. My smile complimented hers. It felt warmer in here than it ever had in a long, long, long, long, long, long damned time. She wrapped an arm around me and rested her head on my shoulder, sighing softly.
Abigail: It’s crazy, ya know?
What?
Abigail: Everythin’. All this. How safe I feel, have always felt around ya. I just wish I knew why so it could make some Goddamned sense. I thought it was maybe just a case of hero worship, like ya an’ Spike, ya know? I looked up ta ya as an inspiration, like ya did with him, so I get it. But bein’ here with ya now, just the two of us like this, I know it ain’t that. I know it never was. It’s always been somethin’ more…
Maybe. Maybe it’s not supposed to. Maybe it’s not supposed to make sense. Maybe just like life. Just like death, we’re not supposed to understand it. Maybe we’re just supposed to feel it. Process it. Accept it for what it is.
Abigail: Maybe. So, you do feel the same, don’t you? That there’s this…connection between us? It ain’t just me, right? I ain’t just bein’ plum crazy about all this, am I?
You’re no crazier than I am. We feel what we feel and it’s stupid to invalidate them just because we’re afraid of the consequences. I’ve done that for far too long, wasted so many lives. Not this time. Not this time. Shelly was wrong. I can say the words. I should have said them a long time ago. Three little words you deserve to hear.
She cupped my face, turned my head until our eyes locked and spoke softly. She felt so warm, I thought I would melt right here and now.
Abigail: Please don’t say them unless ya mean them. You have nothin’ ta prove ta anyone, least of all Shelly fuckin’ Diamond.
I know, but I want to say them. I mean them. Absolutely.
She smiled widely.
Abigail: In that case, don’t let me stop ya. Please, continue…
Three little words…
A deep breath, slow exhale. Her eyes sparkled with anticipation.
Thank you Abby…
I smiled at her, her face dropped slightly and she sighed. her cuddle, slightly tightened, forcing yet another slow breath to escape from me. Her head returned softly to my shoulder before she spoke again.
Abigail: God Bless Ya…
Three little words finally spoken at the end of our world, again.
Three more would change everything, in time. When everything was right again.
Until then, Abby and I really did have the rest of this life together.
All the time in the world, even as we had both lost so much already. Whatever else we still had to lose, at least we wouldn’t have to do it alone anymore.
This was not the end of the world as I knew it or had ever known it.
No, this time felt different. This felt like so much more.
For the first time in forever, this felt like home again.
My head met hers and we sat alone, together for quite some time in darkness.
Feeling complete, like two halves of the same perpetually haunted circle. Not because of our ghosts, but in spite of them.