Post by "The Main Man" Chris Diamond on Sept 3, 2023 18:46:04 GMT
{ Welcome, welcome, welcome to another edition of the Main Man Minute! I am your sexy as ever host, THE VOICE FROM ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE! And today we are going to be discussing a redneck!
Ew, gross! I KNOW!
But before we get there I need to carry on about some such to kill some time and pad the minutes! You see, I don’t get down with the south. Never was a big fan of the whole slavery thing and then there’s the food!
WHY IS EVERYTHING BARBEQUED!?
It’s disgusting. Haven’t they ever heard of pasta or salad or not grilled or fried poultry! I went to the south once on a tour and came back forty pounds heavier with a strange attraction to my first cousin!
IT WAS AWFUL!
And now we are letting those sorts of people into the IWF!? Verona must have started smoking some medicinal mary J because that’s the only way to make this make sense for me.
Ok, so the dudes brother died and he gets a sweet contract? What the fuck is that about? Also, he probably face fucks sheep or something and considers that training! And this is the guy the IWF wants to push as their representative to the southern states!? You couldn’t find a Mexican wrestler or something to appeal to the very large Latino base below the Mason Dixon line!?
I digress. Fact of the matter is the Main Man is above punching cousin fuckers in the face. And yet he finds himself being paid to do just that this week. I’ve gotta say it’ll be hard for him not to enjoy beating the second amendment out of this toothless mother fucker. }
”I’m going to love every single GOD-DAMN minute of it!”
{ And there’s the Main Man himself! He’s got his bat, he’s got his black leather jacket, he’s got his jeans and his boots and he’s even brought along one of his old Maniac masks just for fun. He’s looking good is what I’m trying to say. And where is he? What’s in the background? Why am I not describing to you in all it’s glory where it is that the Main Man is standing? Because he’s standing in front of the IWF interview area sign and it just isn’t that impressive. }
”Frank Black.”
{ He says that dudes name with all the venom of a Cobra about to bite Marion in the well of souls! }
”I guess I’m supposed to be impressed that you worked your way back to the big time after moonlighting as one of Angel’s side pieces back when he was fucking that Valentine bitch.”
{ She who will not be named. }
”But the gods honest truth is you didn’t work your way back here. You got a sympathy contract after your brother died and the fact of the matter is? This company had no interest in you until there was some buzz centered around. You’re a fucking charity case at best.”
{ I hate charity. I don’t even give old furniture away to Goodwill. I burn it in my front yard so all the poors can see. }
”I suppose I should congratulate your brother for finally making you relevant, whatever the fuck his name was. Thing is, Frank? I’ve got nothing against you here. I asked the IWF to give me some real competition and they saddled me with the guy they hired because his brother died and it makes Verona look good on X.”
{ It’s still Twitter to me, dammit. }
”So I’m not exactly enthusiastic about this match. You’ve had one match since being back where they paraded you around like some sort of Thanksgiving Day float and then? Not a goddamn thing. Not a match, not a promo, not even pairing you off with someone for a little feud before a pay per view. You’ve made no impact besides brownie points for management among the internet wrestling community.”
{ The Main Man lets out a big old laugh. }
”Congratulations I guess.”
{ Yeah, congratulations for sucking! }
”Look, I’m sure you got a big old chip on your shoulder. Losing a brother sucks, I know, I beat mine to death just a few weeks back. But here’s the thing, Frank. You can’t let that shit define you. If all you are is just the younger brother of a more popular wrestler than you’re never going to go anywhere. I speak from experience here. Rob has constantly lived in my shadow and will continue to do and no drunk bitch is going to crash into my car and suddenly make him a star. Trust me.”
{ Oh that was a low blow. }
”You rode in on the sympathy train but I promise you right here and now you’re leaving on a hospital gurney. I’ve got no issues breaking a mother fuckers face and that is exactly what is going to happen at Odyssey. I’ve been pretty fucking honest. This is my last fucking run in professional wrestling. It’s do or die time and I don’t plan on dying anytime soon. You? You’re just the dumb fuck they found dumb enough to get into the ring with me.”
{ With a dead brother. }
”And I’m going to make damn sure you regret putting your name to paper, Frank. I’m not just going to beat, I’m going to whip your ass all over the arena and make you see god! By the time that bell has rung you will have had a near death experience and big brother is going to be there to tell you to just give up.”
{ Listen to him, Franky. }
”That’s how this shit is going to go down. Don’t bring the family, don’t bring the kids, don’t bring anyone to this show you don’t want witnessing a murder live on national television because I’m gearing up to recreate my favorite scene from Dahmer and drill a hole in your fucking head!”
{ Ok, that’s graphic. }
”That’s how goddamn serious I’m taking this shit. I’m tired of rolling around the fucking ring with jobbers and guys who will never amount to anything. I’m owed a title shot. I deserve gold. I will take what I want if IWF doesn’t start giving me what I deserve and I will hurt a whole lot of people to get it. Starting with you, Frank.”
{ He’s a man of his word. }
”Fuck around with me and you’ll be seeing your brother sooner than later.”
{ Fade to mother fucking black! }
Ew, gross! I KNOW!
But before we get there I need to carry on about some such to kill some time and pad the minutes! You see, I don’t get down with the south. Never was a big fan of the whole slavery thing and then there’s the food!
WHY IS EVERYTHING BARBEQUED!?
It’s disgusting. Haven’t they ever heard of pasta or salad or not grilled or fried poultry! I went to the south once on a tour and came back forty pounds heavier with a strange attraction to my first cousin!
IT WAS AWFUL!
And now we are letting those sorts of people into the IWF!? Verona must have started smoking some medicinal mary J because that’s the only way to make this make sense for me.
Ok, so the dudes brother died and he gets a sweet contract? What the fuck is that about? Also, he probably face fucks sheep or something and considers that training! And this is the guy the IWF wants to push as their representative to the southern states!? You couldn’t find a Mexican wrestler or something to appeal to the very large Latino base below the Mason Dixon line!?
I digress. Fact of the matter is the Main Man is above punching cousin fuckers in the face. And yet he finds himself being paid to do just that this week. I’ve gotta say it’ll be hard for him not to enjoy beating the second amendment out of this toothless mother fucker. }
”I’m going to love every single GOD-DAMN minute of it!”
{ And there’s the Main Man himself! He’s got his bat, he’s got his black leather jacket, he’s got his jeans and his boots and he’s even brought along one of his old Maniac masks just for fun. He’s looking good is what I’m trying to say. And where is he? What’s in the background? Why am I not describing to you in all it’s glory where it is that the Main Man is standing? Because he’s standing in front of the IWF interview area sign and it just isn’t that impressive. }
”Frank Black.”
{ He says that dudes name with all the venom of a Cobra about to bite Marion in the well of souls! }
”I guess I’m supposed to be impressed that you worked your way back to the big time after moonlighting as one of Angel’s side pieces back when he was fucking that Valentine bitch.”
{ She who will not be named. }
”But the gods honest truth is you didn’t work your way back here. You got a sympathy contract after your brother died and the fact of the matter is? This company had no interest in you until there was some buzz centered around. You’re a fucking charity case at best.”
{ I hate charity. I don’t even give old furniture away to Goodwill. I burn it in my front yard so all the poors can see. }
”I suppose I should congratulate your brother for finally making you relevant, whatever the fuck his name was. Thing is, Frank? I’ve got nothing against you here. I asked the IWF to give me some real competition and they saddled me with the guy they hired because his brother died and it makes Verona look good on X.”
{ It’s still Twitter to me, dammit. }
”So I’m not exactly enthusiastic about this match. You’ve had one match since being back where they paraded you around like some sort of Thanksgiving Day float and then? Not a goddamn thing. Not a match, not a promo, not even pairing you off with someone for a little feud before a pay per view. You’ve made no impact besides brownie points for management among the internet wrestling community.”
{ The Main Man lets out a big old laugh. }
”Congratulations I guess.”
{ Yeah, congratulations for sucking! }
”Look, I’m sure you got a big old chip on your shoulder. Losing a brother sucks, I know, I beat mine to death just a few weeks back. But here’s the thing, Frank. You can’t let that shit define you. If all you are is just the younger brother of a more popular wrestler than you’re never going to go anywhere. I speak from experience here. Rob has constantly lived in my shadow and will continue to do and no drunk bitch is going to crash into my car and suddenly make him a star. Trust me.”
{ Oh that was a low blow. }
”You rode in on the sympathy train but I promise you right here and now you’re leaving on a hospital gurney. I’ve got no issues breaking a mother fuckers face and that is exactly what is going to happen at Odyssey. I’ve been pretty fucking honest. This is my last fucking run in professional wrestling. It’s do or die time and I don’t plan on dying anytime soon. You? You’re just the dumb fuck they found dumb enough to get into the ring with me.”
{ With a dead brother. }
”And I’m going to make damn sure you regret putting your name to paper, Frank. I’m not just going to beat, I’m going to whip your ass all over the arena and make you see god! By the time that bell has rung you will have had a near death experience and big brother is going to be there to tell you to just give up.”
{ Listen to him, Franky. }
”That’s how this shit is going to go down. Don’t bring the family, don’t bring the kids, don’t bring anyone to this show you don’t want witnessing a murder live on national television because I’m gearing up to recreate my favorite scene from Dahmer and drill a hole in your fucking head!”
{ Ok, that’s graphic. }
”That’s how goddamn serious I’m taking this shit. I’m tired of rolling around the fucking ring with jobbers and guys who will never amount to anything. I’m owed a title shot. I deserve gold. I will take what I want if IWF doesn’t start giving me what I deserve and I will hurt a whole lot of people to get it. Starting with you, Frank.”
{ He’s a man of his word. }
”Fuck around with me and you’ll be seeing your brother sooner than later.”
{ Fade to mother fucking black! }
Well howdy there pardner.