Post by Rob Diamond on Dec 10, 2023 0:20:35 GMT
{ Hi-Diddly-Ho watcherinos! It’s ya boy, Rob Diamond, back in this format I haven’t given up on yet where I tell you, the viewer, exactly what it is you, the viewer, are seeing! And right now? It’s honestly a whole lot of nothing. Yeah, I know, weird. The scene hasn’t actually started yet. It’s just me narrating over nothingness. Sorta like an Angel promo only without all the creepiness of an Edgar Allen Poe poem.
I worry about him sometimes, like, he’s pretending to be normal but normal in the way Kristoff Liam Bates used to and I’m fairly confident KLB murdered someone and wore their flesh around his house. Like, I’m not one hundo on that but I’m pretty sure I read it on reddit somewhere and the professional wrestling community buried it because they don’t want real homicidal maniacs getting mixed up with the pretend ones.
ANYWAY!
I figured I’d take this moment in front of the blank screen to just talk about how jazzed up I am after beating the holy hell out of Chris! I mean, I full on reenacted the introduction of Negan from the Walking Dead on that big ugly mother trucker.
Obviously I didn’t totally bash his head in but the thought was there if you know what I mean. And let’s just say that was a really cathartic moment for me. I felt great afterwards! Almost better than the first time I had sex with Mama Spike, almost, obviously there was a huge homosexual undercurrent between me and OG Spike so nothing will top the moment when Mama penetrated me for the first time.
BUT IT WAS CLOSE!
I’ve honestly just been watching the last few minutes of that match on repeat all week long. I even turned it into a giffed picture frame that I’ve hung on our ceiling so I can go to sleep at night watching me bash his fucking head in.
Is that sick? }
”A little, but who cares?”
{ Oh hey! It’s me! }
”Sup.”
{ Well I guess I’m done narrating the opening of this promo so let me do the scene description stuff. I’m standing where I always stand and I’m wearing what I always wear when I cut one of these. Now take it away other me! }
”So it’s that time of the week where I cut a promo on a guy and maybe I verbally tear them down or build them up depending on who the opponent is.”
{ Only two options. }
”But before I even get that far I feel like there is an elephant in the room that needs to be addressed. How the hell am I getting back into the ring a little over a week after one of the most brutal matches of my career?”
{ I thought about asking but I thought it would be rude to ask myself that. }
”I should be at home, I should be resting, I should be letting my cuts and bruises heal and wait until I’m back to one hundred percent before I get into a ring. All stuff I should do but who’s ever at one hundred percent in professional wrestling?”
{ Eternity? She barely does anything around here anymore. She isn’t even all that spooky. Hasn’t abducted anyone in ages. Is she still a lesbian? I thought that was really brave of her to come out and hot. Like creepy clown porn hot. You guys ever watch clown porn? It’s not as weird as you think. Like there’s this one with this chick getting railed by a guy painted almost exactly like Ronald in an old burger joint and it’s honestly my jam at the moment. }
”Right…”
“No one is ever at the top of their game. We’re always beaten up, sore, swollen, recovering from something and held together by medical tape and determination. I’ve been on the bench for over a year watching the best in the world go at it just dreaming of the moment I could step into the ring with my entire body aching from my previous match. It may sound stupid to the rest of you. I should recover and wait until I feel like the Incredible Hulk again and only wrestle sporadically to keep my body healthy.”
“Well fudge that shit.”
“I’m tired of sitting at home. Tired of counting the days until I can wrestle again. Tired of waiting. I don’t care how beat up I am, how much I hurt or if my arms and legs are about to fall off, I’m gonna get in that ring as often as I can for as long as I can. I’ve got goals and you don’t get to those goals by waiting for the company to hand them to you.”
{ Not usually. I mean, you could just coast by doing the bare minimum until there’s a tournament or something. I’m not speaking on anyone specifically who’s currently in the Heiress to the Throne but if you find yourself offended then I’m definitely talking about you. }
”That’s why after I got done handing Chris his walking papers I went back to what was left of the gorilla position-”
{ Why is it called the gorilla position? }
”And I said Berto, I don’t care who it is, put me in a match next week! And he looked at me, fearing for his life in that moment like all CEO's do when confronted with an irate worker and after he was done pissing himself he said ok.”
“HE SAID OK!”
“And now here I am and there you are, Mr. Nick Danger if that is your real name.”
{ It actually is, I’ve seen his license. Funny story, so he dropped his wallet in catering at Survival of the Fittest and I thumbed through it, as you do before I brought it back to him. Guys name is actually Nicholas Danger Danger. Yeah, Danger is also his middle name. CRAZY! }
”Nick, I’ve had my eye on you for a minute and not because I’m looking for a new heterosexual best friend to put into awkward situations.”
“James & Rob, BFFF’s 4-Lyfe.”
“I’ve had my eye on you because you are under fucking rated, my friend. You called out Angel “I still think I’m God but trust me I’m just a cool dad who isn’t going to murder you as soon as you turn around” Blake!”
“WHO DOES THAT!?”
“You do. And you know why? You’ve got balls the size of Alaska hanging between those tree trunks. You do not give a single fuck what anyone says about you. You want something and you put your heart and soul into getting it and that shit impresses the hell out of me.”
{ He doesn’t always succeed but it’s the effort that counts. }
”I don’t know how any of the people in the back still discount you. You’ve been a Champion, you’ve stepped into the ring with every big name we have and a few so called big names who couldn’t hack it here. And yeah, you didn’t always win but I don’t see everyone else grabbing a hot mic and demanding a match with a top guy.”
“Just you.”
“We call it pulling a Danger. You’re not content to just sit in the back and collect a check. You’re only happy when you’re in that ring and competing. You’re a special kind of cat, one we don’t see around professional wrestling all that much anymore. You’re humble in victory and even more so in defeat.”
“You’re honestly kind of awesome.”
“I mean, look around us. How many other people dust themselves off after losing and ask for another big opportunity? Usually they grab their little ball and go run off to some dumpster fire in waiting promotion run by one of their buddies. But you? You let a loss run off you like water off a duck's back.”
{ You have no idea how many people in their mid to late thirties I’ve seen throw literal temper tantrums after losing. Probably a real joy to take to little league games. Or anywhere. }
”You’re a rare breed, Nick and I like that about you. I like that you never let anything get you down. You never blame anyone and you don’t even seem to blame yourself. You take the lesson from the loss and you apply it to your next match and week after week, month after month, year after year you get better.”
“You're undeniable.”
“One day, and I mean this, you’re going to hold the IWF World Championship. It’s gonna happen. You’re putting in the long hours, grinding away like crazy and eventually all that hard work is going to pay off. I don’t know when but I know one day you’re gonna hold that big gold belt above your head and everyone is going to have to admit for even just a moment that you’re as goddamn good as you’ve been saying you are.”
“Look no further than my heterosexual lifemate, James Gilmore.”
“The whole damn world laughed at him for years. YEARS! They mocked him. They ridiculed him. They made jokes he didn’t understand and laughed behind his back and right to his face. Dude took all that shit on the chin. Kept his head down. Didn’t get lost in some bullshit confrontation and before he took his boots off for the last time he held the IWF World Championship. Even more than that, he got himself into the Hall of Fame.”
“And yeah, idiots still try to make fun of him. Guys who’ve never held the big belt try to talk him down, poke fun, say it was dumb luck or he was never as good as he was in 2019 again and you know what? Who the fuck cares what people who haven’t been to the mountain top think?”
{ Again, not directed at anyone but if you find yourself personally offended then I definitely meant you specifically. }
”That’s gonna be you. Because you and James are cut from the same cloth almost. I say almost because James can get a little big headed and he can get a little down on himself when shit doesn’t work out. But you? You don’t do that. You don’t let anything bother you. You’ve got nerves of steel.”
“It’s badass.”
“I’m not lying. This isn’t some long diatribe that is going to dovetail into a really funny joke or punch line. I’m dead ass serious. Hell, even I get a little mopey after a big loss sometimes but you? You walked away from a match against Angel Blake and said WORLD! I’D LIKE SOME MORE!”
“Badass.”
{ Or dumb. }
”But everything I’m saying does dovetail around to a point. I didn’t come back to be anyone's stepping stone. I’m not here to make friends, play nice or teach the next generation the error of my ways.”
“I came back to be a champion.”
“And I’m not even discriminating on the title. Each one of them is special and honestly? I wanna hold them all like a sexier Thanos.”
“Which brings me to you and our match, Nick. I may be beat up, hurt, stepping in there with any number of preinjuries just waiting to kick off and I couldn’t care less. I’m here to work my way to the top and that work starts with you.”
{ Pretty goddamn good place to start if I do say so myself. }
”You’re the first person they’ve put in front of me, my first test to see if I’m really back and you’re a damn good test. They could have tossed me the guy who wears the paper bag or Malo or TJ Alexander but they didn’t.”
“They gave me Nick Danger.”
“They gave me a real challenge. They gave me someone who doesn’t know how to give up. Someone who never backs down. Someone who hasn’t taken a single vacation day since he arrived in IWF. Someone who will not stop until he holds a championship over his head again.”
“They gave me one of the best the company has to offer.”
“Dare I say, they gave me the best challenger they have. Sure there are more feared people, more respected people, more decorated people and certainly more people who eat, sleep and drink HGH but they gave me you.”
“Nick Danger.”
“A titan of the industry in the making. The real future of the IWF.”
{ I tried to write down a bunch of cool nicknames to turn that into a much longer more drawn out thing but the Princess Bride was playing on tv and the sword fight was about to start and I got distracted and lost my train of thought. So you’ll have to imagine all the smoke I would have blown up your ass, Nick. }
”I know you’re getting into that ring with the same thoughts in your head. You ain’t a warm up match or a curtain jerker or the guy they throw at a returning star. You’re legit. I know it, you know it and deep down inside all the insecure idiots in the back know it. You won’t be a walk in the park for me and I’m not gonna be one for you. This is gonna be a straight up competition between two guys who wanna be the best.”
“It’s gonna be orgasmic.”
“And I can’t wait to see how I match up against you. Cause I know if I can get into the ring with Nick Danger and come out the otherside the winner? Then I’m ready to make a run at a championship.”
“But don’t take that if as a lingering doubt in my mind. I know how good I am. I know how far I’ve come. I know how hard I’ve had to work to get back to this spot. I didn’t spend the last year breaking my bodies limits just to lose in my first match back! Nick! This isn’t a swan song, this isn’t a final chapter, this isn’t a retirement tour. This is the beginning of my next great journey and that first step is kicking you in the gut and laying you out with a Diamond Cutter.”
“Sorry but somebody has to lose. Good thing you won’t take it personally.”
{ It’s refreshing to not be afraid of what happens when you win. }
”And if you ain’t down with that then I’ve only got two words for ya.”
{ And now for everyone’s favorite part of any promo. The part you all spend hours of your life thinking about. The part where we get an inside look into the life of a professional wrestler. I know you’re as excited as I am for this. Honestly nothing gets me wet like the thought of letting a camera crew into my home to record me and my family going through some drama. It’s really been the highlight of my return to the company. Before I came back I tried to recreate the magic by hiring this guy to follow me around with a camera. It was a lot of fun. I wore this sick wolf mask and scared him a few times and then we played hide and seek in the woods.
I miss you, Buddy. Bath time will never be the same again.
Anyway we get a sweet aerial shot of the estate I inherited from Spike when he died. Sometimes I feel like it might be haunted. Like I see Spike in the corner of my eye with a new wife and a new kid, almost like we are living side by side in alternate dimensions and he’s working for a company that loves to hate minorities.
Like that movie with Tom Cruise’s ex wife, not the hot one, the Australian one, the one that filmed a movie theater ad that only plays before a movie. I’m already in the theater, why do they advertise for it?
Anyway, while I was talking we entered the house and located myself along with Mama. Hope and Lil Spike are off somewhere else in the house, probably the armory, they really like this one suit of armor I bought in Japan.
Mama and I are in the middle of making potato candy, it’s an old recipe from my Irish grandmother, potatoes and chocolate basically, sounds gross but it’s really good. }
”Are you really going to roll with that puff piece promo you cut on Danger?”
”Yeah, why?”
{ I can feel her eye roll even though I can’t see it. }
”You sure you don’t want to put any jokes in it? Call him a creepy little weirdo or something? Make fun of his name?”
”Not really.”
{ She grunts. }
”What?”
”I don’t know, Rob. Maybe the face act doesn’t exactly get my proverbial penis erect.”
”That’s why we bought you that strap on.”
”You know what I mean!”
{ Here we go, DRAMA!!!!! }
”Look, I’m totally sure someone will come along completely deserving of my brutal sarcasm. Nick ain’t that person.”
”Fine. But don’t be going soft on me.”
”Never an issue.”
{ I say as I look into the camera and hold up a little blue pill. }
”Not with Blue Chew by my side!”
{ Mama shuts off the camera before I can finish the ad read but she doesn’t know I do the narration. That’s Blue Chew dot com slash Infamous for ten percent off on your first order! Do you want your penis to be soft and flabby like Nick Knight or veiny and erect like Tytus Rost!? If you wanna be the Heir to the Throne, the last man standing in the Roulette or the Joker in the “pack” then go to blue chew dot com slash infamous! That’s all folks! }
I miss you, Buddy. Bath time will never be the same again.
Anyway we get a sweet aerial shot of the estate I inherited from Spike when he died. Sometimes I feel like it might be haunted. Like I see Spike in the corner of my eye with a new wife and a new kid, almost like we are living side by side in alternate dimensions and he’s working for a company that loves to hate minorities.
Like that movie with Tom Cruise’s ex wife, not the hot one, the Australian one, the one that filmed a movie theater ad that only plays before a movie. I’m already in the theater, why do they advertise for it?
Anyway, while I was talking we entered the house and located myself along with Mama. Hope and Lil Spike are off somewhere else in the house, probably the armory, they really like this one suit of armor I bought in Japan.
Mama and I are in the middle of making potato candy, it’s an old recipe from my Irish grandmother, potatoes and chocolate basically, sounds gross but it’s really good. }
”Are you really going to roll with that puff piece promo you cut on Danger?”
”Yeah, why?”
{ I can feel her eye roll even though I can’t see it. }
”You sure you don’t want to put any jokes in it? Call him a creepy little weirdo or something? Make fun of his name?”
”Not really.”
{ She grunts. }
”What?”
”I don’t know, Rob. Maybe the face act doesn’t exactly get my proverbial penis erect.”
”That’s why we bought you that strap on.”
”You know what I mean!”
{ Here we go, DRAMA!!!!! }
”Look, I’m totally sure someone will come along completely deserving of my brutal sarcasm. Nick ain’t that person.”
”Fine. But don’t be going soft on me.”
”Never an issue.”
{ I say as I look into the camera and hold up a little blue pill. }
”Not with Blue Chew by my side!”
{ Mama shuts off the camera before I can finish the ad read but she doesn’t know I do the narration. That’s Blue Chew dot com slash Infamous for ten percent off on your first order! Do you want your penis to be soft and flabby like Nick Knight or veiny and erect like Tytus Rost!? If you wanna be the Heir to the Throne, the last man standing in the Roulette or the Joker in the “pack” then go to blue chew dot com slash infamous! That’s all folks! }
Well howdy there pardner.