I AM

[Vivienne Daniels]

Vivienne rolled over in bed to look at Cyrus sleeping next to her in the hotel room bed, he was naked and sleeping peacefully, Vivienne laid her head back on his chest, listening to his heartbeat as she traced her fingers down his chest. He was like no other man she had ever met. They had all their wedding plans completed. Everything was in order. Cyrus hadn’t delayed a single decision. There was no request for a long engagement. There was no second guessing on wedding planning.

Cyrus was committed to her. He loved her. He wasn’t just using her for sex or a career boost. Maybe it was unfair to other romantic partners but there was something about Cyrus, she never second-guessed his loyalty. He never made her worried he wasn’t into her. He was her soulmate.The fact he was as into the wedding as she was honestly made her love him more.

She started kissing down his chest to his stomach. He didn’t laugh at her belief in romantic myths. He never made her feel stupid. He never made fun of her. He never commented on her body negatively. He was perfect. He was a good father. He made her feel free, he made her feel loved. He never made her feel second to his wilder ideals. He never even looked at another woman when she was with him.

She moved the sheet lightly and slowly ran her fingers up his thighs, then gave gentle kisses around, running fingers across his lower stomach. Before she dug in, switching to the other leg and performed the same inward trajectory, activating the nerves all around until lightly kissed and caressing. This circling of the prey builds expectation and excitement, she hoped.

“Kitten,” She heard him moan.

She took that as a good sign and started from below working her way up with her mouth. It was rare that Vivienne wanted to initiate intimacy with anybody, but with him it just felt so natural. This was what love - real love, honest and true felt like, she was sure of it.

“You know, I’ve had a lot of worse things said about me during my time in the business. That I’m only a fangirl. That I’m a fake, a flake, a pick me, a waste of time, past my prime, a whore, a slut, a tryhard and a loser. I take that as it is. You can not control how other people see you. Fuck whatever anyone else thinks of me. There are only two people who matter in their opinion of me. And even then, I know loving me isn’t easy. I know my depression has in the past ruined things that could have maybe been magical. But I am where I am because I have free will. I picked where I am. I didn’t bend to the will of someone else. Rowan saw something in me when I was at my lowest. She helped me stand on my own feet and see the truth that constantly wanting everyone to like me was not only unrealistic but naive.”

“So I stand with The Murder. I always will. I have no question for most of Birds of Prey this is about protecting a company they don’t know and see us as bullies. They don‘t know how vicious and backstabbing this company is. They don’t know that most of this company can’t stand when a woman is winning. When there is a chance to give a man credit for winning they will. How they pushed for intergender using the excuse that the women’s division was smaller to create interest, never mind it is management that has sidelined the women’s division over and over again.”

“You might not approve of our methods, but you have to admire our results. If it wasn’t for us pushing, attacking, and demanding answers the only women on the card would be the world title and maybe Black Widow as she follows her boyfriend and her plus one in a tag team match. Then whatever flavor of the week seems just crazy enough to make good TV.”

“Do you notice women whose mental illness seems to be the most interesting thing about them get a push while normal women get left behind? Men with mental illness never get the fetishization of the push women like Serenity, Fiona McFly, Eternity, and Jennie sometimes get.”

“The Murder has kept the division from being ignored. You’re welcome.”

“Brooklyn and I might have been enemies once in our careers but we at least saw each other as equals. I have fought more matches against Brooklyn than any other women in this company. I know her backward and forwards. I trust myself to her skill. I have no doubt she will lead us to victory. April and Mai are newer to wrestling but both of them are dedicated. Both of them know what’s at stake and best of all they are loyal to the team. We treat them as our equals. We treat them like sisters. I have no doubts about any of them supporting me in the ring. I trust them.”

“But let’s talk about Birds of Prey.”

“Charlotte, the little leader. Pulling double duty. Trying to put down the murder and fighting Jennie for the world title on night two. A lot of plates spinning, but I think we can all tell where your real focus is. What are you going to do when your team loses and you are so distracted with us you get your ass handed to you by Jennie? Even if you win, any woman who gets a world title becomes the most hated woman in the company regardless of who she is or what she does. Jennie was everyone’s favorite manic pixie dream girl until she became a two-time champion. I doubt you’ll get that kind of attention, but if you did we both know you’d crumble like a cookie. You want to be so much more than you are. You want to be the good girl and pretend your past is forever locked behind a door. But I would put money on it that the moment the tides swift against you the darkness comes out once again.”

“And then there is your other half, Pretty Guardian Rini Ishikawa. Yes, I’ve watched Sailor Moon. I get the references you are tossing my way Odango. Aluminum Siren? First of all, bitch. Second of all, BITCH. I am not so ditzy, thank you so very much. I get you are mostly the cheerleader in this little group and the happy second to Charlotte. You are happy to be there for your friends and will protect them as best you can. Which is going to make hurting you all the more fun. Because you are the heart of the group right? So when I put my foot to your throat and they watch you die for their sins it will be all the more enjoyable.”

“Whose next?”

“You know, Natasha, you remind me so much of so many women who came before you. So desperate to make your mark. You want to be seen. You want to be heard. Youngest sibling, aren’t you? You want so much to be important to someone. You want so much for people to remember you and mourn you if you go. You’ve got that desperate need leaking off you like perfume. First two girls to befriend you and you would follow them to the ends of the earth, wouldn’t you? But you’re not a part of the group. You know what they say about three people's friendships, one of them is always left behind. You think if they had to pick between saving you or their best friend forever they wouldn’t you high and dry?”

“Speaking of not being part of the group, Hi Shea. Do they include you in their reindeer games or are you just here because I didn’t reply to your demand that I drop The Murder? Does it bother you that I decided to go off alone and didn’t bend to what you wanted for me? I know you don’t approve of most of my life choices, you never have. You say I have terrible taste in love but at least I don’t let one bad example keep me from living my life. You are so frozen by what happened in the past you barely live. It’s a half-life, Shea. I love you, you know I do. But no one can thaw that frozen heart forever. Sometimes you have to cut your losses and find someone who can love you for who you are, not who they wish you could be. You’re my best friend, you always will be. Do you want to take professional stuff personally, you want to throw shots at my love life? That’s on you. I’ll still care about you even if I have to find a replacement for my maid of honor. This match, if I face you, won’t be personal. It will be professional. And professionally, I’ll still kick your ass.”