Post by Eddie D. on Aug 28, 2015 15:20:48 GMT
The road before Rob was lined in green leafy trees; every so many yards there would be a somewhat large yard for the upscale neighborhood he was driving through on the far side of West Hartford, Connecticut.
He’d driven down this road what felt like a million times in the last year with Jazz on their way to her parents house but today was different. Today he felt dread as he made each turn, passed each house, getting closer and closer to what felt like an ultimate end.
He reached for the dial on the radio and slowly turned up the music, quietly mouthing the words of the song that rang more true now than ever before.
Rob: When things are too beautiful I smash them to pieces…
His hand begins to rap on the black plastic of the steering wheel as the level of his voice rises.
Rob: The more that you love me insecurity releases…
He throws his head back a little and yells along with the singer as the chorus continues.
Rob: AND I’LL BE THE ONE THAT’S TO BLAME!!! SO I’LL SELL MY SOUL TO BLAZE!!!
His eyes focus on the road again, a tear welling up in his eye like a storm about to break.
Rob: Like a moth to a flame…
Rob slows down now and slowly takes the final right turn onto Jazz’s parents road then the quick left into their drive way and coming to a stop. His heart melted as he spotted the old red Subaru Jazz drove, the one that used to be parked at the end of his drive way, just to the left so Rob always had room to pull past.
He hesitated, his mind racing, his palms sweating, he considered throwing it in reverse and backing right out of the drive way. They hadn’t really spoken since she left, her things were all gone, he knew this wasn’t just a stunt, she was serious, she was gone…
He stepped out of the car one black converse at a time, adjusting his camo shorts as he stood up and smoothing out his black shirt. He was suddenly over run with fear, his mind flashing with the terrible decisions he’d made in her absence, the random women, the drinking, he’d let himself sink right into the same rut that killed his father.
He was lost without her.
Every step felt like walking through a mine field, fear running through his veins instead of blood, his whole body began to shake ever so slightly as he played all the possible scenarios through his head until he finally stood at the front door. Slowly he knocked, his hand leaving behind a sweaty imprint of his knuckles.
Her father answered the door, a taller, thinner man than Rob, receding white hair and a beard, he looked surprised to see Rob.
Jazz’s Father: Rob?
Rob: I need to see her.
His words were full of desperation, her father could feel it.
Jazz’s Father: Does she know you’re coming?
Rob: No.
Her father sighed and slowly moved away from the door.
Jazz’s Father: She’s upstairs.
Rob moved past her dad and took the left turn up the stairs to the second level of their house. He could feel his feet dragging on the cream colored carpet as he walked toward the second white door on the right. His hand shaking again as he reached for the knob and slowly turned it open.
Jazz laid there under her white comforter, still fast asleep in the middle of the morning. Rob slowly moved over to her bed and gently sat down but it was still enough to cause her to wake up with a start. Her green eyes darted from right to left as she slowly became fully awake and aware of what was going on and who sat next to her.
Jazz: Rob?? What are you doing here?
Rob: I wanted to talk.
Jazz: I really don’t have anything to say to you…
She looked away from him, refusing to meet his gaze, knowing she had so much more to say but too afraid to open herself up to him.
Rob: Come home.
Jazz: No, Rob…
Rob: Why?
Jazz: It’s not my home anymore.
She’d hadn’t felt at home since Rob’s father died, he’d become distant, pushed her away, she’d felt like a stranger in a strange place.
Jazz: You changed, Rob, I saw a side of you I didn’t want to see…
Rob: I’m sorry.
Jazz: I know.
Rob: We can fix this.
She looked back at him with tears in her eyes.
Jazz: There’s nothing to fix.
She wanted so badly to hold him, to kiss him, she wanted to get up out of this bed and go with him but she was too hurt, too afraid. He wanted it too, prayed that she wanted it but both were stuck in this moment.
Rob: I love you.
Jazz: I love you too, Rob but I can’t… I can’t be there with you… I can’t do it anymore…
Rob: Why? Why can’t we just start over?
Jazz: I can’t… I’m not ready to let you back in… You hurt me… Bad… I don’t trust you Rob…
He felt his heart pounding out of his chest, he knew things were bad, that she was upset but he didn’t know how much he’d hurt her.
Rob: I can earn it back.
Jazz: I’m not ready.
Rob: Will you ever be?
She looked away again.
Jazz: I… I don’t know if I want to be ready… I don’t ever want to be in a position to hurt like this again…
Rob: I can be better. I can fix this.
Jazz: I don’t want you to.
With those five words he felt his heart ripped from his chest, his head dropped, sadness enveloped him followed by anger.
Jazz: Please go… Just go…
He took her in his arms suddenly, held her tight and he could feel her holding him back, he could feel her shaking. He pulled back and kissed her, she tried to recoil but then gave him and held him by the sides of his head before finally pulling away.
Jazz: Go…
Rob: I love you…
It only took a minute, sixty seconds and he was back in his car driving alone away from her, away from the woman he loved, the woman he’d hurt more than he really knew, more than he’d ever really know. He wondered if there could still be a future for them, if maybe with time and patience they could fix this, if her words were true or she was just too hurt to admit she wanted to be with him…
He reached for the dial on the radio again and turned up the music.
LIKE A MOTH TO A FLAME, MY WINGS BURN AWAY,
WHEN THINGS ARE TOO BEAUTIFUL I SMASH THEM TO PIECES
THE MORE THAT YOU LOVE ME INSECURITY RELEASES,
AND I’LL BE THE ONE TO BLAME,
SO I’LL SELL MY SOUL TO BLAZE
Like a moth to a flame…
The week of the Joker in the Pack match was one of the worst weeks of my entire life…
Not because of the low blow by Alexis, not because Mike Laszlo stole the brief case that should have been mine.
No, the week of the Joker in the Pack match my mom called me and told me something every son or daughter expects to hear someday, my father was dead, the part no one ever wants to hear is that he was dead because he took his own life…
I don’t like to talk about my personal life in these little promo packages, the internet fanboys know enough about us as it is but this is something I needed to get off my chest Mike.
I walked into that match with my head somewhere else, on someone else, I’m not using it as an excuse, you got the better of me, played me at my own game and won. You tossed me off that ladder and broke more than bones or muscles, you broke my pride.
I should have been able to tap into what I was feeling, use it to push forward but to tell the truth, at the time, the only thing I could think about was my own failed suicide attempt from years ago. The depression I used to deal with and still do, the similar paths mine and my father’s lives have followed.
We both had children at a young age, out of wed lock with women we had no intention of dealing with, we both put our careers before our families, we both suffered from undiagnosed depression for most of our adult lives and we both ultimately tried to take our own lives, he succeeded where I had failed years ago…
As I stood in that ring with you Mike I couldn’t help but wonder if that’s my destiny.
Am I going to become him?
The fear I felt that night as I stood in the ring rocked me to my core, shook my very soul because if there is one person in this world I truly hate with all my heart it’s my father. A man who was never home with his children, a man who constantly cheated on his wife, a man who drank to feel anything and a man who literally spat on every single one of my hopes and dreams.
I HATE him.
And that hate drove me for a long time, made me bitter, made me do things I’m not proud of, it gave me the strength to push to the top of a promotion I should never have been a World Champion in, it gave me the courage to end the career of my own brother, to side up with people like Spike Kane and trust that their bloody path was the way to go.
I got better at hiding the hate, harnessing it, pretending to be a better person than I am long enough to get people to care about me and once I was done using them I cast them aside like they were nothing.
I told myself that I forgave him, told the people around me, friends, family, therapists that I had let it go, that I wasn’t letting the past define my future but it was all lies. I will always hate him. I will always hate him because he KNEW how terrible of a person he was and CHOSE to be that person every single day of his life until it was too much for him…
And I’m afraid of becoming him because it terrifies me to think that one day my daughter will say the same things about me…
I don’t even want to imagine a world where I look into her blue eyes and see anything but love.
But I think the sad truth is that I don’t have a choice. He didn’t. At least, he thought he didn’t. So maybe it is my destiny to be an awful human being, a man who is loved by many but never really in love with anyone but himself and his own selfish desires. Maybe that’s just who I am, who I will be and maybe that road will eventually end with more pain than I can possibly endure and I’ll take the cowards way out.
Maybe.
But if that’s true then I really do fear for you Mike. Because if I’m destined to be that person, that hateful and angry human being who could hurt even the people he cares most about then what does that mean for you, Mike? What does it mean when I step into the ring with someone who hurt me, took months of my career away from me, a man who I don’t like, don’t care about, don’t love, what does it mean Mike when I step into the ring with someone I WANT to see hurt?
It means you’re going to get hurt.
Bad.
Because I’m angry, I’m pissed off, I’m not fucking joking around with anyone any longer. If you walked into this promo expecting me to make jokes about how much you suck then I’m sorry, because comedy hour is over.
I’ve had a shit week, a shit month and an over all shit year, I’ve lost pretty much everyone I’ve ever cared about save for my daughter and her I haven’t seen in weeks because I’m too fucking disgusted with myself to show my face around her.
I don’t want her to see what kind of man I am.
I don’t want her to see what it is I’m going to do to you.
I don’t want her to see how much I’m going to enjoy being locked inside that steel cage with you doing everything in my power to make sure it is the LAST time you ever step foot inside of a wrestling ring for anything other than an autograph signing.
You’re a good wrestler, a good man, a good husband and a good father.
I’m not.
Which is why I’m still standing here, why I was able to come back from being tossed off that ladder because deep down inside you don’t have the BALLS to end anyone’s career, least of all mine.
And that’s why you’re not walking out of that Cell Sunday Night at Legacy.
You’ll be carried out.
And if you’re not down with that then I got two words for you.
SUCK IT!
He’d driven down this road what felt like a million times in the last year with Jazz on their way to her parents house but today was different. Today he felt dread as he made each turn, passed each house, getting closer and closer to what felt like an ultimate end.
He reached for the dial on the radio and slowly turned up the music, quietly mouthing the words of the song that rang more true now than ever before.
Rob: When things are too beautiful I smash them to pieces…
His hand begins to rap on the black plastic of the steering wheel as the level of his voice rises.
Rob: The more that you love me insecurity releases…
He throws his head back a little and yells along with the singer as the chorus continues.
Rob: AND I’LL BE THE ONE THAT’S TO BLAME!!! SO I’LL SELL MY SOUL TO BLAZE!!!
His eyes focus on the road again, a tear welling up in his eye like a storm about to break.
Rob: Like a moth to a flame…
Rob slows down now and slowly takes the final right turn onto Jazz’s parents road then the quick left into their drive way and coming to a stop. His heart melted as he spotted the old red Subaru Jazz drove, the one that used to be parked at the end of his drive way, just to the left so Rob always had room to pull past.
He hesitated, his mind racing, his palms sweating, he considered throwing it in reverse and backing right out of the drive way. They hadn’t really spoken since she left, her things were all gone, he knew this wasn’t just a stunt, she was serious, she was gone…
He stepped out of the car one black converse at a time, adjusting his camo shorts as he stood up and smoothing out his black shirt. He was suddenly over run with fear, his mind flashing with the terrible decisions he’d made in her absence, the random women, the drinking, he’d let himself sink right into the same rut that killed his father.
He was lost without her.
Every step felt like walking through a mine field, fear running through his veins instead of blood, his whole body began to shake ever so slightly as he played all the possible scenarios through his head until he finally stood at the front door. Slowly he knocked, his hand leaving behind a sweaty imprint of his knuckles.
Her father answered the door, a taller, thinner man than Rob, receding white hair and a beard, he looked surprised to see Rob.
Jazz’s Father: Rob?
Rob: I need to see her.
His words were full of desperation, her father could feel it.
Jazz’s Father: Does she know you’re coming?
Rob: No.
Her father sighed and slowly moved away from the door.
Jazz’s Father: She’s upstairs.
Rob moved past her dad and took the left turn up the stairs to the second level of their house. He could feel his feet dragging on the cream colored carpet as he walked toward the second white door on the right. His hand shaking again as he reached for the knob and slowly turned it open.
Jazz laid there under her white comforter, still fast asleep in the middle of the morning. Rob slowly moved over to her bed and gently sat down but it was still enough to cause her to wake up with a start. Her green eyes darted from right to left as she slowly became fully awake and aware of what was going on and who sat next to her.
Jazz: Rob?? What are you doing here?
Rob: I wanted to talk.
Jazz: I really don’t have anything to say to you…
She looked away from him, refusing to meet his gaze, knowing she had so much more to say but too afraid to open herself up to him.
Rob: Come home.
Jazz: No, Rob…
Rob: Why?
Jazz: It’s not my home anymore.
She’d hadn’t felt at home since Rob’s father died, he’d become distant, pushed her away, she’d felt like a stranger in a strange place.
Jazz: You changed, Rob, I saw a side of you I didn’t want to see…
Rob: I’m sorry.
Jazz: I know.
Rob: We can fix this.
She looked back at him with tears in her eyes.
Jazz: There’s nothing to fix.
She wanted so badly to hold him, to kiss him, she wanted to get up out of this bed and go with him but she was too hurt, too afraid. He wanted it too, prayed that she wanted it but both were stuck in this moment.
Rob: I love you.
Jazz: I love you too, Rob but I can’t… I can’t be there with you… I can’t do it anymore…
Rob: Why? Why can’t we just start over?
Jazz: I can’t… I’m not ready to let you back in… You hurt me… Bad… I don’t trust you Rob…
He felt his heart pounding out of his chest, he knew things were bad, that she was upset but he didn’t know how much he’d hurt her.
Rob: I can earn it back.
Jazz: I’m not ready.
Rob: Will you ever be?
She looked away again.
Jazz: I… I don’t know if I want to be ready… I don’t ever want to be in a position to hurt like this again…
Rob: I can be better. I can fix this.
Jazz: I don’t want you to.
With those five words he felt his heart ripped from his chest, his head dropped, sadness enveloped him followed by anger.
Jazz: Please go… Just go…
He took her in his arms suddenly, held her tight and he could feel her holding him back, he could feel her shaking. He pulled back and kissed her, she tried to recoil but then gave him and held him by the sides of his head before finally pulling away.
Jazz: Go…
Rob: I love you…
It only took a minute, sixty seconds and he was back in his car driving alone away from her, away from the woman he loved, the woman he’d hurt more than he really knew, more than he’d ever really know. He wondered if there could still be a future for them, if maybe with time and patience they could fix this, if her words were true or she was just too hurt to admit she wanted to be with him…
He reached for the dial on the radio again and turned up the music.
LIKE A MOTH TO A FLAME, MY WINGS BURN AWAY,
WHEN THINGS ARE TOO BEAUTIFUL I SMASH THEM TO PIECES
THE MORE THAT YOU LOVE ME INSECURITY RELEASES,
AND I’LL BE THE ONE TO BLAME,
SO I’LL SELL MY SOUL TO BLAZE
Like a moth to a flame…
The week of the Joker in the Pack match was one of the worst weeks of my entire life…
Not because of the low blow by Alexis, not because Mike Laszlo stole the brief case that should have been mine.
No, the week of the Joker in the Pack match my mom called me and told me something every son or daughter expects to hear someday, my father was dead, the part no one ever wants to hear is that he was dead because he took his own life…
I don’t like to talk about my personal life in these little promo packages, the internet fanboys know enough about us as it is but this is something I needed to get off my chest Mike.
I walked into that match with my head somewhere else, on someone else, I’m not using it as an excuse, you got the better of me, played me at my own game and won. You tossed me off that ladder and broke more than bones or muscles, you broke my pride.
I should have been able to tap into what I was feeling, use it to push forward but to tell the truth, at the time, the only thing I could think about was my own failed suicide attempt from years ago. The depression I used to deal with and still do, the similar paths mine and my father’s lives have followed.
We both had children at a young age, out of wed lock with women we had no intention of dealing with, we both put our careers before our families, we both suffered from undiagnosed depression for most of our adult lives and we both ultimately tried to take our own lives, he succeeded where I had failed years ago…
As I stood in that ring with you Mike I couldn’t help but wonder if that’s my destiny.
Am I going to become him?
The fear I felt that night as I stood in the ring rocked me to my core, shook my very soul because if there is one person in this world I truly hate with all my heart it’s my father. A man who was never home with his children, a man who constantly cheated on his wife, a man who drank to feel anything and a man who literally spat on every single one of my hopes and dreams.
I HATE him.
And that hate drove me for a long time, made me bitter, made me do things I’m not proud of, it gave me the strength to push to the top of a promotion I should never have been a World Champion in, it gave me the courage to end the career of my own brother, to side up with people like Spike Kane and trust that their bloody path was the way to go.
I got better at hiding the hate, harnessing it, pretending to be a better person than I am long enough to get people to care about me and once I was done using them I cast them aside like they were nothing.
I told myself that I forgave him, told the people around me, friends, family, therapists that I had let it go, that I wasn’t letting the past define my future but it was all lies. I will always hate him. I will always hate him because he KNEW how terrible of a person he was and CHOSE to be that person every single day of his life until it was too much for him…
And I’m afraid of becoming him because it terrifies me to think that one day my daughter will say the same things about me…
I don’t even want to imagine a world where I look into her blue eyes and see anything but love.
But I think the sad truth is that I don’t have a choice. He didn’t. At least, he thought he didn’t. So maybe it is my destiny to be an awful human being, a man who is loved by many but never really in love with anyone but himself and his own selfish desires. Maybe that’s just who I am, who I will be and maybe that road will eventually end with more pain than I can possibly endure and I’ll take the cowards way out.
Maybe.
But if that’s true then I really do fear for you Mike. Because if I’m destined to be that person, that hateful and angry human being who could hurt even the people he cares most about then what does that mean for you, Mike? What does it mean when I step into the ring with someone who hurt me, took months of my career away from me, a man who I don’t like, don’t care about, don’t love, what does it mean Mike when I step into the ring with someone I WANT to see hurt?
It means you’re going to get hurt.
Bad.
Because I’m angry, I’m pissed off, I’m not fucking joking around with anyone any longer. If you walked into this promo expecting me to make jokes about how much you suck then I’m sorry, because comedy hour is over.
I’ve had a shit week, a shit month and an over all shit year, I’ve lost pretty much everyone I’ve ever cared about save for my daughter and her I haven’t seen in weeks because I’m too fucking disgusted with myself to show my face around her.
I don’t want her to see what kind of man I am.
I don’t want her to see what it is I’m going to do to you.
I don’t want her to see how much I’m going to enjoy being locked inside that steel cage with you doing everything in my power to make sure it is the LAST time you ever step foot inside of a wrestling ring for anything other than an autograph signing.
You’re a good wrestler, a good man, a good husband and a good father.
I’m not.
Which is why I’m still standing here, why I was able to come back from being tossed off that ladder because deep down inside you don’t have the BALLS to end anyone’s career, least of all mine.
And that’s why you’re not walking out of that Cell Sunday Night at Legacy.
You’ll be carried out.
And if you’re not down with that then I got two words for you.
SUCK IT!
Well howdy there pardner.