Post by Eliza Valentine on Oct 25, 2015 20:54:14 GMT
Come Little Children
I'll Take Thee Away,
Into A Land Of
Enchantment
Come Little Children
The Time's Come To Play
Here In My Garden
Of Magic
There are different kinds of fear - Some are able to overcome their fears... Beat them....
Some are consumed by their fears, they burn like a fire within them and are the drive, the push, in everything they do....
Some deny these same fears, putting on a mask for the world every single day, one that says I am not afraid.
But I AM afraid.
I am terrified and not, not of some little girl who knew less love than I - Not of some nightmare walking child with a painted face and a hollow laugh who wishes to sink me deeper into my skin I am in.... No, Eternity I do not fear that ideal of you - But what you will make of me....
What does it mean to truly face your fear but not overcome it? To be nothing but a quivering frightened child again and for nought - for nothing - what will beating you do Eternity... Make you stop? No... I know it won't do that, for whatever reason, you and I, we're kindred... I can feel that.
And it sickens me.
You know me, not the mask or the fear or the lie put up front to smile and say hey - I'm ok - but me, the dark and sprawling parts of me never spoken, or whispered or even fucking thought but there you are, weaved between my nightmares like some divinely grotesque tapestry... And I feel you...
What does that make me?
To feel you there, inside - not just another crude remark or barely recognizable fated opponent... But an almost part of me. You, like me, and yet so entirely different - you are everything I could have been if I had let them in; if I had opened windows when they shut doors...
I am afraid of clowns, true... But the harsh reality is.... I am far more terrified of who you really are..... And in turn, who that makes me.
Follow Sweet Children
I'll Show Thee The Way
Through All The Pain And
The Sorrows.
Austin seemed uncomfortable in her presence, or maybe it was in the nurturing way her hand fell on her bump, the way is caressed her swollen abdomen as though the most precious thing in all the universe rest within it... It made me uncomfortable to see it - to see motherly nurturing... To see how she loved it....
So yeah, I guess that's what him so awkward... Two broken little children in a mothers gaze, desperately wanting to have been loved but knowing it's a forever too late...
"I'm worried about you." her nose scrunched up slightly as her face morphed into concern... Austin remained silent, flicking his fingertips over my tablet to distract his presence from the room... "You're not yourself..." I laughed, trying to keep the laugh light and playful...
Who did she want me to be?
"Eliza, are you even listening to me...?"
"Why do you call me that?" she seemed confused and I sucked in a breath with a small smile "You used to call me Katie, ow Eliza..." Ana shrugged slightly "Eliza is your name; I'm not sure Katie ever existed..." I nodded quietly, another lost name... Another who I never got to be...
"Liz, why do you have this?" I thought he was breaking the awkward silence out of kindness but when I saw what he had pulled up blood drained from my face... "What is that-?" Ana stepped forward and looked at the small selection of video clips downloaded..
"Research." I shrugged, staring into the face of her, the still from her promo looking deep into me...
"Liz!" Austin yanked the tablet from my view and dropped it onto my bed, pushing off and grabbing me by the shoulders "Why are you watching these? You don't watch tapes... You never-"
"She's different..." I mumbled, pulling away and shaking my head, looking around, at the air, the walls, the carpet... Not them...
"No she's not..." Ana offered softly and I laughed again, this time not even trying to keep it playful... There goes that mask.... "She's just an opponent Eliza, if you don't let her in..."
"Of course!" I yelled rounding on her now with a smirk "It's all so simple to you isn't it Ana? Just close off... Don't think... Don't feel..." she reached for me and I shoved her hand away "I'm not you... I'm not..."
"I know you're not..." she offered and I looked to Austin whose eyes were concern and confusion now too "Liz... We can..."
"WE?!" my voice was a shriek now... A scream... I could barely stand it... "We won't do a fucking thing - who are you? You're no one - not family..." Ana looked to me and I laughed at her "And you... The saving grace you only showed up twenty years too late right Auntie?!"
I moved forward, grabbing the tablet and cradling it to my chest... "You don't know me...." I looked from one to the other "Either of you..."
I felt my feet backing me to the door as the both stood quietly staring at me....
"But she does..." I nodded, grabbing the door and swinging it open.... "She does."
And that terrifies me.
Weep Not Poor Children
For Life Is This Way
Murdering Beauty
And Passion..
"They don't know what it's like E....
To be nobody - to be a burden... To have it all sucked out of you; life; love; innocence... They don't stop do they, E? Not ever, not even once it's all gone.
I guess you and I are kinda different, it seems like you only ever had love for them, but me... Well, I was a fucking stupid kid, I wanted a home, I wanted a family - I wanted love and I let them pass me back and forth like nothing... I wasn't as unlucky as you - my bad, my stories were never painted all over my face...
It always took them just enough time to see me.
But it was always too late; they'd bring me in and change my name, I've had a hundred - have you too? Am Eternal list of people we were supposed to be, a new story beginning inside every warm living room in front of the burning fire, a new name, a new Mommy and then
Well, shhhhh, we don't talk about what happened before, because we're home now.
But still they take you and name you, like a dog from a shelter and for a while you wag your tail and bark the loudest, pick me! You scream and sometimes E, you know sometimes they would and for a few days I would be Amanda or Charlotte or Roxanne and then....
Well then one day you just get too old, it's not about age, it's in the eyes - it's the story and the lies, painted on your face for all to see... And that's when they have you. The bad men, they know when it's their turn, when no one will want you any more... And I was afraid - Who would you tell?
Who did YOU tell E? Did they save you...
Because no one every saved me... And who would believe me anyway? The little girl nobody ever wanted...
The little girl nobody ever saved, the one who never really did run away and join the circus, because the bad man had a clown mask.... And he liked to laugh too.... Just. Like. You."
Hush Now Dear Children
It Must Be This Way
To Weary Of Life And
Deceptions.
"You know where the bad girls go...." her head tilted to the side, the smile on her lips... Just like before; "You know what happens to bad little girls, don't you...." her eyes, my eyes narrowed in cold empty laughter as she nodded her head, not a reflection at all of me shaking mine....
"I told you..." she whispers, slamming her hand against the glass to force my eyes open -
Snap. Pay attention.
"By any means necessary..." I repeated like a secret memory... Shadows hovered just beside her but did not shove or move her this time, as she nodded with that same slow smile... Nodding, forcing my own to nod in recognition of her truth.. My truth... Our truth....
"I can't." I whispered, afraid for her to hear... More afraid of waking him, so he would see it; hear her; not just a scratch scratch scratch at the back of my mind anymore, but there, flashing lights and wandering shadows surrounding her as it is no longer a whisper somewhere behind my ear...
But a scream, a force, ripping my every though, dream... Nightmare... Out like shadow theater in the reflection of something no one knows I can be.... So many secrets some are bound to crawl out from time to time...
"Bad girls get sent away...." she laughed louder, her fingernail tapping on the glass as though it may crack and she can crawl out... Becoming me once again - becoming the bad things... "And they know Lizzie...." she nodded again, maniacal and giddy her blonde blue curls bouncing with her head "Shhhh.... Can you hear it?"
The tinny circus song somewhere off in the back of my mind... Is it? In my mind as it build and crashes into a crescendo of laughter that shakes the very walls of the bathroom....
"You know where the bad girls go...."
I do... I know where the bad girls go....
"They're sold away to the Circus."
Rest Now My Children
For Soon We'll Away
into The Calm And
The Quiet
"Liz?" he sounded distant and his voice thick with concern.... I could feel the cold hard tiles of the floor on my cheek as my eyes fluttered open.... "Are you ok?" his hand reached for me, touching my shoulder, his fingertips brushing my arm.
"Don't." I growl, pushing up from the floor and shaking the voices back into the far recesses of my mind where they belong. "I'm fine." I tried to wave back towards the bedroom but the fall had knocked my senses back with the voices and the floor span up to meet my face with a groggy thud....
And he touched me again, my free hand spinning to slap him away with an odd guttural moan that meant to be a shriek... "I said Don't!" he pulled his hand back with a sigh...
"Will you just let me help you?" I laugh, her laugh... My laugh... "Liz, you're scaring me..."
The floor stayed in place now and so I risked my feet, which held me just fine... "Good." I smiled, shrugging my shoulders "It's a nice change from the one being scared." the light hit my eyes like a million tiny daggers splintering my brain... Ouch.
"I said i'm fine. Go back to bed... I don't need you."
"Right." he nodded, turning back towards the twin beds just beyond the bathroom door with a shake of his head "I forgot, you don't need anyone...."
"Lies...." she whispered, chuckling back there, her voice twisting round my thoughts and into my ear... "You need me...."
"You will always need me...."
Come Little Children
I'll Take Thee Away,
Into A Land Of
Enchantment.
"What do you want me to say?
That I am going to end you and in turn defeat my fear?
Or that I am not afraid of you? That the mind games you are damn near world famous for have no effect on me? Sorry - I'm not another Alexis or Amber, I know who and what I am, I will never deny the truth... And the truth is - you fucking terrify me.
Not because of the clowns and the sword swallowers, no... Those little shows were mere parlour tricks for you; you terrify me, Eternity, because you know me. You see me... Some how - and mark my words if nothing comes from the living hell you are forcing me through for fuck only knows what reason - Some how, I will find out HOW you know this...
I don't care what it takes, I will get down to who you are, what makes you tick - why you get off on torturing people with their darkest fears - rather than just face your own.
But right now? Right now I know this will be a fight; I know we will drag one another to hell and back and I Promise you, it will take more than the Last Rites to get me in that van E... Because there is no way in hell, if I am kicking and screaming you will get me in that fucking hellcar...
You better end me, E - you better knock me down so god damn hard I NEVER get back up - because this isn't one night only. NO, after what you have done... I owe you, and as much as it would please you, as much as you would love for me to lose my shit and abandon the few moral fibers I have...
I won't end you - I won't split you open and bathe in your blood or whatever ridiculous threats these girls have made against you before...
I know the stats say you have me beat, I know you have years on my hours in the ring... I know that I am going to give every single thing I have just to survive this - because me at my best would be in for a fight and thanks to you, thanks to the shit show you have turned my life into...
I am not even close to my best.
But don't count me out yet, E, see if you really do know me... You'll know I am like a dog with a bone - Spoiler Alert! You're the bone E....
And it might not be tonight... It might not be tomorrow.... But one day - I will put you through every single thing you have forced upon me; and then some.... It starts here, it starts with a clown car and a crazy ass stipulation, but it won't end here- I might upset the odds... And I might not...
But I WILL get my life back, I will stare into the eyes of the woman who embodies everything I fear and at last I will laugh... At last I will stand my ground... At last, I will be strong enough to say...
Not today Clown, not today."
Come Little Children
The Time's Come To Play
Here In My Garden
Of Shadow....
Well howdy there pardner.