Post by Trent Helms on Jul 31, 2013 2:20:20 GMT
It's really been a long-time coming, well not really, I'm in a new home, and while I'm a familar face, due to the fact, I spend most Sunday's, calling the other cruiserweight in the company, my sons, and that about 400 times since this place opened, that I have had sex with my fellow commentators.
But on Monday Night, I take a new role, not a role new to me, but just one, that I figured nearly four months ago, wouldn't happen again, and for the first time in This IWF, I will step into the ring, against well, the man who has taken credit for my misfortunes in Stephen Kingsley.
And many questions are being asked, Am I ready for it, as someone who stands at my height, facing a man, standing seven feet tall, usually isn't what many would care, a safe business practice, sending a man, Who just stroked out a few months before, a man, many are saying, may of became soft during his time away, which consisted of cracking jokes, having a kid, and not much of anything else.
To answer the question.
I'm Trent God Damn Helms, I'm always ready for it, I'm the man, who is held in high regards of carrying a bowl of pudding to nearly a four star match, I'm the man who made 5 million people believe that I was from another planet, and I'm the man, who doesn't use a spellchecker or pronounces words right on his written promo.
I'm a Entertainment Mogul, and a man who is making a comeback from near-death, which isn't really anything new, I've endured the injuries, you remember that time, I did a beautiful Moonsault to the outside, and like totally decided to land chest first on a steel barricade like Lexington Steele slaps his rod against a white girl titties? Of Course you don't, only like two of you were there for that event.
Speaking of which.....Hey Davey
God to see you haven't been future endeavor yet.
Note To Self.....Close Twitter Account Immediately, before Ortega replies to that comment, and I have to spend the next ninty days, banging my head against my keyboard, due to his replies.
For all you people, and by You People, I don't mean the African-American Communtiy, in which, Clearly I'm apart of, cause you know, I have a large penis, for someone of my size, so that makes me black, Right?
As I was saying, There is a common trend, all you people will see in my promos, and yes I will make reference to the very fact, I'm indeed shooting a promo, which is like taboo for some odd reason, so is saying the words Character Development, I don't know why, They talk about it on the internet machine, which I use entirely way too much, be it, making funny memes, watching Your Promo's, doing this one thing called E-Fedding, where I Trent Helms, pretend to be Trent Helms, and type out long winded promos about things, Kind of odd, considering, I'm a real pro wrestler here, and yet I go and pretend to be a fake one on the internet, Also I like browsing XNXX.Com, and have developed a thing for a now aging pornstar named Kianna Dior.
Also, I like getting yelled at by the people who manage my career here, because I talk about the Fourth Wall, because I'm not supposed to pay attention to the cameras that are around me, because unlike alot of other pro wrestlers, One thing I respect, is my privacy, Sure I could allow some guy I don't know, Manly You, Cameraman number 2, who camera isn't even rolling right now, I don't know you, Why would I let you into my luxary apartment, I know you, Jamie, You ready for Fantasy Football, I bet you are, Also how is Sheilla and the kids? Come on Jamie, you can talk to me man.....Whatever, I'm totally going to sneak in front of you this year and Draft Aaron Hernandez before you can.
Anyways, That basically who I am, that's how I cut promo, I also like long walks on the beach, and am boyscoting the Coca-Cola company, because they denied me Vault by taking it off the market....I'll let you meet the rest of the family in a minute, due to a scene that we did, like a week ago, that's been waiting for air on your televisions for a week, Anyways, let's cut to that, while I get yelled at by Simon for breaking his rules, Rules that I don't agree with, and feel I don't have to adhere too, because I was consulted when the creators of Pro Wrestling made them, So here we go, Sappy Feeler Stuff For You....Coming up now....
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The scene opens, in a very nice condo, some of you may know it, because You've visited it like Rob and Spike, or because I live here, and totally don't fly out for shows until like 12 hours before, I'm Canadian for crying out loud, the less time I spend in the states, the better, Some of you are totally sucking up to me now, because you want to see it, like Xavier Cross, and some of you are going to see it, if something ever happens to Ashlie, and I go into a mourning stage, and totally bring you back here......
Eternity
You're telling me, That if something happened to me, You're planning on who you want to sleep with next?
I'm just saying, I have a penis, and it's need to be used, and if something happens, I'm just saying.
So you're saying, That If I die, The first person you want to bring home, around all your expensive shit, is a crazy girl, who may or may not be Pyromaniac, who is suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder, and is holding another women hostage, and you want to bring her into your home, around your kids?
Trent think about it for a second.
Well?
Yeah....She would be fun in the sack, Sleeping with her, would totally be like a threesome ever night,
Well, the only threesome you're going to be getting anytime soon is, Yourself, and both your hands.....
And just like that, This has turned into a Brad and Megan Kane Promo circa 2010.
And Trent, why is Jamie and that other cameraman, I don't know, in our house?
I'm shooting a promo.
What? Since when are you getting back in the ring, You just had a stroke like four months ago, You're making the same as Wrestlers, for not wrestling, Plus we didn't talk about you going back into the ring.
We're talking about it now.
Are you seriously going to do this Trent, you seriously wanting to step back into the ring, and more then likely, Kill yourself, by botching one of your flippy moves, You just had a daughter, You want her to grow up, without remembering her father.
But I have to pay the Bills....
Ashlie shoots a glare at Trent.
Really? You're playing that game?
Yeah, We had a kid, I have to totally support them and what not....
Ashlie shakes her head.
You have 47 million U.S Dollars in your bank account.
Yes, Exactly, US Dollars, With the rate the US Dollar is dropping, We are going to be broke tomorrow.....
We talked about this months ago, You said A Night To Remember was going to be your last match, you said you were retired, You were going to spend the rest of your career announcing.
That was like so 3 months ago, I throught we were telling jokes to each other, I mean it like like how you said Once Before A Time, was a good show, like a few minutes before, I throught we were making jokes.
Fine, Trent, if you want to go be a dumbass, and get back into the ring, Go for it, But I'm going to laugh, the first time, You go for a High-Flying Move, and slip and fall, and break your collarbone.
Dammit Woman, What more do you want from me? You made me give up Energy Drinks, You made me give up smoking, You made me do Yoga, I've literally bended over backwards, I need to have fun, Wrestling is like my third passion, behind Voice Acting and making homemade porn with you, I want to get back into the ring, plus I'm not doing it full-time, just a few matches here and there.....
What will I have to say and do, To make you not get back in the ring?
Trent smiles.
Ass To Mouth?
Jesus Christ Trent, it's your first promo back, and you're already bringing up Anal again?
Well I haven't done it in like 9 months.
And it's not going to happen, Plus seriously, that's what you want? Not happening, Not ever....
But Mercedes use to do it....
The very name of Trent's ex-wife, and Ashlie's former Tag Team Partners, causes this convosation to come to a abupt stop.
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Elsewhere
The scene opens up, with a caption that reads, Virginia Beach, VA, before we see, Trent's ex-wife Mercede Lewis, She is wearing a bright red tanktop, which clearly shows off, her very fake, but still very nice to look at features, She is brushing her Jet Black Hair, before getting up.
Christian (Which is actually spelled Xian, due to the fact, Trent doesn't like the word Christ in anything he uses, despite naming his son....Christian) Are you about Ready for your superior football game?
In walks, the boy, who is nine year old, in his white soccor uniform with blue umbros, He is texting on his phone, and seems to be posting on Twitter...
Is Dad, going to be there today?
I'm sorry baby, Your Father has been very busy lately, with his new daughter, He wishes he could be here, but right now, because your stepmother is unable to take care of a baby without daddy help, He couldn't make it here....So you ready?
He is clicking on her phone....as he tweets something.
About to go to the Game, Going to score 4 Goals Today Why? #BecauseI'mXianHelms
He tweets it, when he suddenly, notices that his mom is currently trending live.
Mom!!! You're Trending on Twitter!
What? Has to be a mistake, You sure it's not that Football Player with the same name as me?
He clicks her name, as the screen shows.
#MercedesLewis #Ass2Mouth
Mom, what is Ass To Mouth?
Go Wait in the car, Mommy will be there in a second, She has to make a phone car to your father....
Can I talk to him? Maybe in a minute,
just go wait in the car...
He pouts, and throws a tandem, which clearly includes some of his father's mannerism, before storming off, as Mercedes clicks her phone and a picture of Trent pops up....in which you hear the phone pick up on the other side....
You're getting back in the ring?
Trent is caught off guard, because at this point, it hasn't been announced to the public, nor has he told his Ex-Wife.
How did you know that....
Just a honch, considering, For some odd reason I'm Trending on Twitter, with Hashtag AssToMouth behind it, and it must of meant, You just posted a promo on Youtube....Which I have to ask, What the Hell are you thinking Trent...
Jesus....Now I'm getting it from you.
I don't care if you wrestle, You know what I care about, How since you had that baby, You haven't bother to come see your son, You know he has a superior football game today, and He is leading the league in scoring.
He is? Wait, Since when is our son, playing superior football, I told you....Sign him up for Hockey....
It's what your son wanted to play.....And he's doing really well, but you wouldn't know that, because you haven't came to see him at all, Because all you care about is your new kid, and getting back in the ring, What do you think is going to happen, When Christian finds out, His Dad decided to get back into the ring, is more important then seeing his first child....
Mercedes...
Save It Trent, We are about to be late, Come see your son god dammit.....Mercede hangs up the phone....
Fucking Asshole....
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We cut back to Trent Apartment, as he puts the phone back into his pocket, He sighs...As Jamie the Cameraman, begins to speak.
So, I figure we will do a shot of you, with the baby, cause everyone is waiting to see the first shots of Ryan and Ashlie, maybe we can shoot some footage of that, Then we will head back home.
God Dammit, Jamie, get the hell out of my house, I think we have enough Character Development for today, Just leave right now...
Jesus....What is your problem Trent....
Jamie.....Just get out....and take the other Cameraman with you....
It's Ashford Sir...
I don't care what your name is....Just get out....
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The scene opens back up once again, some time has passed, as it's now nighttime in Toronto, as you see, Trent, wearing a Miami Dolphins Hoodie, walking out of a store, He has a pack of cigerettes in his hand, that he just bought, and slams the pack violently against his hand, You can tell, the words of his Ex-Wife has stung him, as each time, The pack slams harder and harder against his hand, before he rips it open, and yanks a cigerette out of the pack, with so much force, that it breaks in half once it hits his lips, He grabs another one, this time putting it into his mouth, You can see, Trent lights the cigerette hanging out of his mouth. and lights it, Filter first, He let's out a grunt, and tosses it down, Finally he pulls out another cigerette, this time, lighting it correctly, He takes a puff, and coughs, due to it being the first one he's had in awhile....
He takes a drag, trying to hide the coughing....Before turning to the camera....
Hello Stephen, I never figured there would be a day, that I would address you, One on One on camera, considering, that a few months ago, I had a match, where I collapsed in the ring, and said, No More, but things have changed, Today is going to be the best day of your life....
Because a being who is far superior to you, is going to hype a match that involves you, and that you have the honor of being the first man to face Trent Helms in IWF, Sure lately, you faced some of the best around, My Homeboy Spike, and my other homeboy Rob, But today is different....Today the best promo man in the business is about to give you your fifteen minutes of fame, and it's not going to involve you stealing a kid, or getting dumped from your Tier-3 Tag Team, by your more talented partner.
Normally, Our pathes would never Cross Stephen, due to the pull, I seem to have backstage, due to being one of the most successful men in this business, and you....Well you Stephen, do not have theses things, mostly because You have a lack of commitment to Sparkle Motion, and by that, I mean, I'm a successful Pro Wrestler, with many World Championships, a Podcast, and a former Voice Actor, I've done amazing things Stephen with my life, I have two future World Champions as Children, I have a beautiful wife, and I get to hear my voice heard for over three hours, Every monday Night, while you usually spend your monday nights, getting your Shrek looking ass, taking a beating and spending the rest of your week, with your plain jane wife, and being mocked by the entire roster.
So normally, I wouldn't give a primate like you, The time of day, but considering, that on a fateful night in March of this year, Our lives connected for a moment, and for months, Your greatest claim to fame, from your own words, was...How you ended my career.
No Stephen, You didn't end my career, Monster Energy Drinks, Marlboro Cigerettes, and My Shower nearly ended my career, Now considering as you fit the mold, of my least favorite type of primate, The Sluggering Caveman Type, You might not understand that last one, it's okay, The fact that I sometimes like to hang myself in the shower while I masterbate has nothing to do this this, What this has to do with, is that I had to hear you speak, in your weird lanauge, that you call Austrilian is, That you ended the career of Trent Helms.
What you also don't understand, is that as a member of the great Warrior Race known as Saiyans, I have this nifty little ability called Zenkai, Where when I recover from a near-death injury, my fighting strength improves greatly....What that means is....
My Power Level is over 9000....
Your Power Level is Five.....Screw that Stephen, You're not even worthy of having the same power level as the greatest Dragon Ball character of all time, The Farmer with the Shotgun.
You were never in my league to begin with, now that I have grown stronger then you will ever imagine, You don't stand a chance, Monday Night, It's going to be like if Super Saiyan 3 Goku fought Nappa, It's going to be like Broly taking on Zarbon, It's not going to be pretty, what that means, is that Monday Night Kingsley, Trent Helms is going to Yamcha your ass.
But enough with the references, you're clearly not going to get.
So you went to jail because you killed a crocodile.....Big Deal....
Do you need to know what Trent Helms has done?
How About Conquering a entire planet, How about the fact, that I can kill a yak, from two hundred miles away with Mind Bullets, How about the fact, I once had sex with Scar-Jo....Theses are amazing things I have done, and the only thing you've ever did, was kill a aligator, worshipped a idiot who held a sledgehammer and got kicked out of your Tag Team...
Now Steven.....You know what, You're not even worthy of being called the name of my second best friend, So I will call you Jiggy-Puff for the duration of this promo, Seems fitting, considering that when I had to call your matches, They did infact put me to sleep.
Editor Note: See IWF's First Ever Show.
Thank You, Stupid Caption Guy.
Another Caption comes on the Screen.....You're Welcome.
Now Jiggy, I should infact, be very affaid of you, and by all accounts, maybe I am, but showing fear would totally be breaking character, which I know I do, like fifty times a show, but not going to happen here.
I mean, I should be affaid of you, I mean afterall, You're Seven Feet Tall, You hit harder then a Peter North Facial, and you have a Finisher, that defy all logics, and if for some reason, were to hit me with it, Could very well kill me, So I should be affaid of you.....
But I'm Not.
Unlike most Cruiserweights, I haven't spent my time over the past five years, fighting men, my own size, what would be the point of facing a midget ever week, I made a career, out of fighting men, much larger then myself, which I know, the top of my head, barely goes past your Belly Button, but that's not the point, The Real Point is, I'm use to fighting people like you, and defeating them.
Now granted, Yes I have yet to defeat you, and the last time we were in the ring, You and Fate, sent me home to go be a Family Man, which is why we are here. Trent Helms is making his big in-ring return against you, and this time, There will not be a very Drunk Steve Awesome teaming with me, It's just me and You Jiggy, A Former World Champion.....Triple Crown Winner, Hall Of Famer, and the only man currently on the roster to hold a Adult Flim Award, against you.....A...
God Damn Jiggy, what have you done, I can't really think of anything, Outside of feeling the hand of God, known as Gibford Famularo against your jaw, and taking the full Wrath of the God Of Xtreme.
I mean, I guess I should be impressed, You are still alive, after Spike decided he wanted to help you commit Career suicide at Lineage, but I'm not, There nothing about you, that could impress me. well maybe, Maybe you will find a way to bring back the Backstreet Boys, maybe you will find a way to make me enjoy Nicholas Cage movies again, but considering, even the forementioned things, are beyond your grasp, I doubt it.
Now I could say alot of things, I could pretend I'm Rob Diamond, tell you to Suck It, and let you know, I could make you meet the True Death next week, I could tell you, That I hold a bit of resentment towards you, but Truth be told, I do not, You merely barely exist in my universe, You hardly even a beep on my radar, There is nothing unique about you Jiggy, and I've met many types of beings, From Vampires, to Werewolves, and Powerful Beings, who can destroy entire planets with their mere fingers, but you Jiggy, are from a weak race, Granted, You Humans have some admirable traits, none of which are going to stop me, from doing what it is, I plan on doing.
You were just, at the wrong place at the Wrong Time, and you took credit for something, that wasn't yours to begin with, Don't worry Jiggy, I'm going to give you a quick, and as painless of a defeat, as I can, So you can go back to your bottled blonde wife, You can talk about, if you have a son or not, and I'll go back to my righrful place, as a Legend in this business...
I'm Angry Jiggy, but not at you, Monday you will be spared from my Dark Passanger, but still I will make a example out of you, There is another being, who is far more worthy of my time, and I want him to see, what happens, when you make the mistake of disrecpecting me.....Monday I take down the Criminal, Soon, I take down a over-confident douchebag, with a bleached blonde mullet.
But for now, i'm going to leave you broken into nothing Jiggly-Puff....Do you know why?
Well, I'm going to tell you why Primate.
I'm Trent Helms and I'm Out Of This World....
I'm Trent Helms and I'm just plain better then you..........Primate.
Trent goes to take a drag, off the now ashed cigerette, he pulls out his phone...
Bernard, This is Trent, Fuel up the Plane, and get my passport ready, I have a superior football game to go too....
But on Monday Night, I take a new role, not a role new to me, but just one, that I figured nearly four months ago, wouldn't happen again, and for the first time in This IWF, I will step into the ring, against well, the man who has taken credit for my misfortunes in Stephen Kingsley.
And many questions are being asked, Am I ready for it, as someone who stands at my height, facing a man, standing seven feet tall, usually isn't what many would care, a safe business practice, sending a man, Who just stroked out a few months before, a man, many are saying, may of became soft during his time away, which consisted of cracking jokes, having a kid, and not much of anything else.
To answer the question.
I'm Trent God Damn Helms, I'm always ready for it, I'm the man, who is held in high regards of carrying a bowl of pudding to nearly a four star match, I'm the man who made 5 million people believe that I was from another planet, and I'm the man, who doesn't use a spellchecker or pronounces words right on his written promo.
I'm a Entertainment Mogul, and a man who is making a comeback from near-death, which isn't really anything new, I've endured the injuries, you remember that time, I did a beautiful Moonsault to the outside, and like totally decided to land chest first on a steel barricade like Lexington Steele slaps his rod against a white girl titties? Of Course you don't, only like two of you were there for that event.
Speaking of which.....Hey Davey
God to see you haven't been future endeavor yet.
Note To Self.....Close Twitter Account Immediately, before Ortega replies to that comment, and I have to spend the next ninty days, banging my head against my keyboard, due to his replies.
For all you people, and by You People, I don't mean the African-American Communtiy, in which, Clearly I'm apart of, cause you know, I have a large penis, for someone of my size, so that makes me black, Right?
As I was saying, There is a common trend, all you people will see in my promos, and yes I will make reference to the very fact, I'm indeed shooting a promo, which is like taboo for some odd reason, so is saying the words Character Development, I don't know why, They talk about it on the internet machine, which I use entirely way too much, be it, making funny memes, watching Your Promo's, doing this one thing called E-Fedding, where I Trent Helms, pretend to be Trent Helms, and type out long winded promos about things, Kind of odd, considering, I'm a real pro wrestler here, and yet I go and pretend to be a fake one on the internet, Also I like browsing XNXX.Com, and have developed a thing for a now aging pornstar named Kianna Dior.
Also, I like getting yelled at by the people who manage my career here, because I talk about the Fourth Wall, because I'm not supposed to pay attention to the cameras that are around me, because unlike alot of other pro wrestlers, One thing I respect, is my privacy, Sure I could allow some guy I don't know, Manly You, Cameraman number 2, who camera isn't even rolling right now, I don't know you, Why would I let you into my luxary apartment, I know you, Jamie, You ready for Fantasy Football, I bet you are, Also how is Sheilla and the kids? Come on Jamie, you can talk to me man.....Whatever, I'm totally going to sneak in front of you this year and Draft Aaron Hernandez before you can.
Anyways, That basically who I am, that's how I cut promo, I also like long walks on the beach, and am boyscoting the Coca-Cola company, because they denied me Vault by taking it off the market....I'll let you meet the rest of the family in a minute, due to a scene that we did, like a week ago, that's been waiting for air on your televisions for a week, Anyways, let's cut to that, while I get yelled at by Simon for breaking his rules, Rules that I don't agree with, and feel I don't have to adhere too, because I was consulted when the creators of Pro Wrestling made them, So here we go, Sappy Feeler Stuff For You....Coming up now....
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The scene opens, in a very nice condo, some of you may know it, because You've visited it like Rob and Spike, or because I live here, and totally don't fly out for shows until like 12 hours before, I'm Canadian for crying out loud, the less time I spend in the states, the better, Some of you are totally sucking up to me now, because you want to see it, like Xavier Cross, and some of you are going to see it, if something ever happens to Ashlie, and I go into a mourning stage, and totally bring you back here......
Eternity
You're telling me, That if something happened to me, You're planning on who you want to sleep with next?
I'm just saying, I have a penis, and it's need to be used, and if something happens, I'm just saying.
So you're saying, That If I die, The first person you want to bring home, around all your expensive shit, is a crazy girl, who may or may not be Pyromaniac, who is suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder, and is holding another women hostage, and you want to bring her into your home, around your kids?
Trent think about it for a second.
Well?
Yeah....She would be fun in the sack, Sleeping with her, would totally be like a threesome ever night,
Well, the only threesome you're going to be getting anytime soon is, Yourself, and both your hands.....
And just like that, This has turned into a Brad and Megan Kane Promo circa 2010.
And Trent, why is Jamie and that other cameraman, I don't know, in our house?
I'm shooting a promo.
What? Since when are you getting back in the ring, You just had a stroke like four months ago, You're making the same as Wrestlers, for not wrestling, Plus we didn't talk about you going back into the ring.
We're talking about it now.
Are you seriously going to do this Trent, you seriously wanting to step back into the ring, and more then likely, Kill yourself, by botching one of your flippy moves, You just had a daughter, You want her to grow up, without remembering her father.
But I have to pay the Bills....
Ashlie shoots a glare at Trent.
Really? You're playing that game?
Yeah, We had a kid, I have to totally support them and what not....
Ashlie shakes her head.
You have 47 million U.S Dollars in your bank account.
Yes, Exactly, US Dollars, With the rate the US Dollar is dropping, We are going to be broke tomorrow.....
We talked about this months ago, You said A Night To Remember was going to be your last match, you said you were retired, You were going to spend the rest of your career announcing.
That was like so 3 months ago, I throught we were telling jokes to each other, I mean it like like how you said Once Before A Time, was a good show, like a few minutes before, I throught we were making jokes.
Fine, Trent, if you want to go be a dumbass, and get back into the ring, Go for it, But I'm going to laugh, the first time, You go for a High-Flying Move, and slip and fall, and break your collarbone.
Dammit Woman, What more do you want from me? You made me give up Energy Drinks, You made me give up smoking, You made me do Yoga, I've literally bended over backwards, I need to have fun, Wrestling is like my third passion, behind Voice Acting and making homemade porn with you, I want to get back into the ring, plus I'm not doing it full-time, just a few matches here and there.....
What will I have to say and do, To make you not get back in the ring?
Trent smiles.
Ass To Mouth?
Jesus Christ Trent, it's your first promo back, and you're already bringing up Anal again?
Well I haven't done it in like 9 months.
And it's not going to happen, Plus seriously, that's what you want? Not happening, Not ever....
But Mercedes use to do it....
The very name of Trent's ex-wife, and Ashlie's former Tag Team Partners, causes this convosation to come to a abupt stop.
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Elsewhere
The scene opens up, with a caption that reads, Virginia Beach, VA, before we see, Trent's ex-wife Mercede Lewis, She is wearing a bright red tanktop, which clearly shows off, her very fake, but still very nice to look at features, She is brushing her Jet Black Hair, before getting up.
Christian (Which is actually spelled Xian, due to the fact, Trent doesn't like the word Christ in anything he uses, despite naming his son....Christian) Are you about Ready for your superior football game?
In walks, the boy, who is nine year old, in his white soccor uniform with blue umbros, He is texting on his phone, and seems to be posting on Twitter...
Is Dad, going to be there today?
I'm sorry baby, Your Father has been very busy lately, with his new daughter, He wishes he could be here, but right now, because your stepmother is unable to take care of a baby without daddy help, He couldn't make it here....So you ready?
He is clicking on her phone....as he tweets something.
About to go to the Game, Going to score 4 Goals Today Why? #BecauseI'mXianHelms
He tweets it, when he suddenly, notices that his mom is currently trending live.
Mom!!! You're Trending on Twitter!
What? Has to be a mistake, You sure it's not that Football Player with the same name as me?
He clicks her name, as the screen shows.
#MercedesLewis #Ass2Mouth
Mom, what is Ass To Mouth?
Go Wait in the car, Mommy will be there in a second, She has to make a phone car to your father....
Can I talk to him? Maybe in a minute,
just go wait in the car...
He pouts, and throws a tandem, which clearly includes some of his father's mannerism, before storming off, as Mercedes clicks her phone and a picture of Trent pops up....in which you hear the phone pick up on the other side....
You're getting back in the ring?
Trent is caught off guard, because at this point, it hasn't been announced to the public, nor has he told his Ex-Wife.
How did you know that....
Just a honch, considering, For some odd reason I'm Trending on Twitter, with Hashtag AssToMouth behind it, and it must of meant, You just posted a promo on Youtube....Which I have to ask, What the Hell are you thinking Trent...
Jesus....Now I'm getting it from you.
I don't care if you wrestle, You know what I care about, How since you had that baby, You haven't bother to come see your son, You know he has a superior football game today, and He is leading the league in scoring.
He is? Wait, Since when is our son, playing superior football, I told you....Sign him up for Hockey....
It's what your son wanted to play.....And he's doing really well, but you wouldn't know that, because you haven't came to see him at all, Because all you care about is your new kid, and getting back in the ring, What do you think is going to happen, When Christian finds out, His Dad decided to get back into the ring, is more important then seeing his first child....
Mercedes...
Save It Trent, We are about to be late, Come see your son god dammit.....Mercede hangs up the phone....
Fucking Asshole....
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We cut back to Trent Apartment, as he puts the phone back into his pocket, He sighs...As Jamie the Cameraman, begins to speak.
So, I figure we will do a shot of you, with the baby, cause everyone is waiting to see the first shots of Ryan and Ashlie, maybe we can shoot some footage of that, Then we will head back home.
God Dammit, Jamie, get the hell out of my house, I think we have enough Character Development for today, Just leave right now...
Jesus....What is your problem Trent....
Jamie.....Just get out....and take the other Cameraman with you....
It's Ashford Sir...
I don't care what your name is....Just get out....
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The scene opens back up once again, some time has passed, as it's now nighttime in Toronto, as you see, Trent, wearing a Miami Dolphins Hoodie, walking out of a store, He has a pack of cigerettes in his hand, that he just bought, and slams the pack violently against his hand, You can tell, the words of his Ex-Wife has stung him, as each time, The pack slams harder and harder against his hand, before he rips it open, and yanks a cigerette out of the pack, with so much force, that it breaks in half once it hits his lips, He grabs another one, this time putting it into his mouth, You can see, Trent lights the cigerette hanging out of his mouth. and lights it, Filter first, He let's out a grunt, and tosses it down, Finally he pulls out another cigerette, this time, lighting it correctly, He takes a puff, and coughs, due to it being the first one he's had in awhile....
He takes a drag, trying to hide the coughing....Before turning to the camera....
Hello Stephen, I never figured there would be a day, that I would address you, One on One on camera, considering, that a few months ago, I had a match, where I collapsed in the ring, and said, No More, but things have changed, Today is going to be the best day of your life....
Because a being who is far superior to you, is going to hype a match that involves you, and that you have the honor of being the first man to face Trent Helms in IWF, Sure lately, you faced some of the best around, My Homeboy Spike, and my other homeboy Rob, But today is different....Today the best promo man in the business is about to give you your fifteen minutes of fame, and it's not going to involve you stealing a kid, or getting dumped from your Tier-3 Tag Team, by your more talented partner.
Normally, Our pathes would never Cross Stephen, due to the pull, I seem to have backstage, due to being one of the most successful men in this business, and you....Well you Stephen, do not have theses things, mostly because You have a lack of commitment to Sparkle Motion, and by that, I mean, I'm a successful Pro Wrestler, with many World Championships, a Podcast, and a former Voice Actor, I've done amazing things Stephen with my life, I have two future World Champions as Children, I have a beautiful wife, and I get to hear my voice heard for over three hours, Every monday Night, while you usually spend your monday nights, getting your Shrek looking ass, taking a beating and spending the rest of your week, with your plain jane wife, and being mocked by the entire roster.
So normally, I wouldn't give a primate like you, The time of day, but considering, that on a fateful night in March of this year, Our lives connected for a moment, and for months, Your greatest claim to fame, from your own words, was...How you ended my career.
No Stephen, You didn't end my career, Monster Energy Drinks, Marlboro Cigerettes, and My Shower nearly ended my career, Now considering as you fit the mold, of my least favorite type of primate, The Sluggering Caveman Type, You might not understand that last one, it's okay, The fact that I sometimes like to hang myself in the shower while I masterbate has nothing to do this this, What this has to do with, is that I had to hear you speak, in your weird lanauge, that you call Austrilian is, That you ended the career of Trent Helms.
What you also don't understand, is that as a member of the great Warrior Race known as Saiyans, I have this nifty little ability called Zenkai, Where when I recover from a near-death injury, my fighting strength improves greatly....What that means is....
My Power Level is over 9000....
Your Power Level is Five.....Screw that Stephen, You're not even worthy of having the same power level as the greatest Dragon Ball character of all time, The Farmer with the Shotgun.
You were never in my league to begin with, now that I have grown stronger then you will ever imagine, You don't stand a chance, Monday Night, It's going to be like if Super Saiyan 3 Goku fought Nappa, It's going to be like Broly taking on Zarbon, It's not going to be pretty, what that means, is that Monday Night Kingsley, Trent Helms is going to Yamcha your ass.
But enough with the references, you're clearly not going to get.
So you went to jail because you killed a crocodile.....Big Deal....
Do you need to know what Trent Helms has done?
How About Conquering a entire planet, How about the fact, that I can kill a yak, from two hundred miles away with Mind Bullets, How about the fact, I once had sex with Scar-Jo....Theses are amazing things I have done, and the only thing you've ever did, was kill a aligator, worshipped a idiot who held a sledgehammer and got kicked out of your Tag Team...
Now Steven.....You know what, You're not even worthy of being called the name of my second best friend, So I will call you Jiggy-Puff for the duration of this promo, Seems fitting, considering that when I had to call your matches, They did infact put me to sleep.
Editor Note: See IWF's First Ever Show.
Thank You, Stupid Caption Guy.
Another Caption comes on the Screen.....You're Welcome.
Now Jiggy, I should infact, be very affaid of you, and by all accounts, maybe I am, but showing fear would totally be breaking character, which I know I do, like fifty times a show, but not going to happen here.
I mean, I should be affaid of you, I mean afterall, You're Seven Feet Tall, You hit harder then a Peter North Facial, and you have a Finisher, that defy all logics, and if for some reason, were to hit me with it, Could very well kill me, So I should be affaid of you.....
But I'm Not.
Unlike most Cruiserweights, I haven't spent my time over the past five years, fighting men, my own size, what would be the point of facing a midget ever week, I made a career, out of fighting men, much larger then myself, which I know, the top of my head, barely goes past your Belly Button, but that's not the point, The Real Point is, I'm use to fighting people like you, and defeating them.
Now granted, Yes I have yet to defeat you, and the last time we were in the ring, You and Fate, sent me home to go be a Family Man, which is why we are here. Trent Helms is making his big in-ring return against you, and this time, There will not be a very Drunk Steve Awesome teaming with me, It's just me and You Jiggy, A Former World Champion.....Triple Crown Winner, Hall Of Famer, and the only man currently on the roster to hold a Adult Flim Award, against you.....A...
God Damn Jiggy, what have you done, I can't really think of anything, Outside of feeling the hand of God, known as Gibford Famularo against your jaw, and taking the full Wrath of the God Of Xtreme.
I mean, I guess I should be impressed, You are still alive, after Spike decided he wanted to help you commit Career suicide at Lineage, but I'm not, There nothing about you, that could impress me. well maybe, Maybe you will find a way to bring back the Backstreet Boys, maybe you will find a way to make me enjoy Nicholas Cage movies again, but considering, even the forementioned things, are beyond your grasp, I doubt it.
Now I could say alot of things, I could pretend I'm Rob Diamond, tell you to Suck It, and let you know, I could make you meet the True Death next week, I could tell you, That I hold a bit of resentment towards you, but Truth be told, I do not, You merely barely exist in my universe, You hardly even a beep on my radar, There is nothing unique about you Jiggy, and I've met many types of beings, From Vampires, to Werewolves, and Powerful Beings, who can destroy entire planets with their mere fingers, but you Jiggy, are from a weak race, Granted, You Humans have some admirable traits, none of which are going to stop me, from doing what it is, I plan on doing.
You were just, at the wrong place at the Wrong Time, and you took credit for something, that wasn't yours to begin with, Don't worry Jiggy, I'm going to give you a quick, and as painless of a defeat, as I can, So you can go back to your bottled blonde wife, You can talk about, if you have a son or not, and I'll go back to my righrful place, as a Legend in this business...
I'm Angry Jiggy, but not at you, Monday you will be spared from my Dark Passanger, but still I will make a example out of you, There is another being, who is far more worthy of my time, and I want him to see, what happens, when you make the mistake of disrecpecting me.....Monday I take down the Criminal, Soon, I take down a over-confident douchebag, with a bleached blonde mullet.
But for now, i'm going to leave you broken into nothing Jiggly-Puff....Do you know why?
Well, I'm going to tell you why Primate.
I'm Trent Helms and I'm Out Of This World....
I'm Trent Helms and I'm just plain better then you..........Primate.
Trent goes to take a drag, off the now ashed cigerette, he pulls out his phone...
Bernard, This is Trent, Fuel up the Plane, and get my passport ready, I have a superior football game to go too....
Well howdy there pardner.