Spider puns and porn.

[Jennie Docherty / Djinnie!]

Allen described his night terrors to his therapist as feeling like a dark force is just sitting on top of his chest looking down on him. Judging him for the person he probably really is inside.

The way he described them to his girlfriend for some time now is ‘Hm? Oh I uh… think I just have to use the bathroom real bad.’

She absolutely did not believe him.

Until the night after the…unpleasantness that was the parade in his city. They were sharing a bed and at some point Allen rolled over and nudged his sleeping fiancé.

“Hlerm?” Jen responded after a few nudges, coming out of a deep sleep.

“Hey…hey I’m sorry. This was dumb.”

Mumbling a little bit, Jennie rolls over and puts her hand on Allen’s stomach to try to give him a sense of comfort. She still can’t piece the words together but smacks her lips together several times to wet her lips and give her an extra moment to wake up, “It– it’s not dumb. You can tell me.”

“I just… while I was having the thought I wanted to tell you that… Sometimes my brain is bad and I feel bad and it never has anything to do with you.” Allen says, sitting up in bed slightly.

Tucking her arm under the pillow, she keeps her gaze locked on her fiancé with a glimmer in her eyes, “I know, and I– know how you feel…” she answers, pursing her lips, “What’s on your mind?” Jennie asks while continuing to lie down.

“So like… okay. I was thinking about how sudden bad stuff can happen and all that and just like… I dunno. I don’t want to keep anything from you and when things get bad and… I don’t feel good enough… I just need you to know that’s never about you.” Allen says, now fully sitting in bed.

Jennie sits up, and places her hands on Allen’s lap, “Baby, I know, and– you know– I know fully how it is… I know it’s nothing to do with me, and sometimes it’s– just the way we’re wired… Just wired to think that we’re the fuck ups.” Jennie sighs. It is a topic that hits a little too close to home for her, and she draws in a deep breath while smiling albeit weakly. “Whenever you need me, I’m around, and if you ever need space– you can have that, too.” Jennie says reassuringly.

“Hey. I love you and I’m gonna marry the living fuck out of you.” Allen says, reaching out to gently touch Jen on the cheek. She sinks a little, heartwarmingly, against the gentle caress.

“You know we have to check out venues! Have you thought about locations? AND NO! We are not getting Patrick Maholmes as the justice of the peace. And– OH! I need a maid of honor!” Jennie exclaims.

“I’d rather have Kelce anyway. Hell, Andy Reid might do it for a Baconator.” Allen says, clearly joking. “As far as Locations go… you know I’d love to do it in KC but I’m not completely attached to the idea. Also, I think I’m just awake now. Want me to put on some coffee and we can talk wedding stuff?”

Jennie can’t help but excitedly jump out of the bed, in a scrambling run, “I’ll make the hash browns!”

“Yeah, maybe decaf for you.” Allen says, standing and slowly following after her.
____________

ALLEN CHANEY: Well go on, tell me a joke.

We’re back in ‘Hackbreakers’, the KC Comedy Club owned by Allen Chaney during its closed day hours. Jennie Fenix is on stage in front of the microphone, wearing the IWF Women’s World Championship around her waist, and Allen Chaney is seated in the audience with a bag of popcorn.

JENNIE FENIX: Let me tell you something ‘bout Steffon and Brandywine! … They– they–

Jennie starts stuttering on the stage, and she taps her finger against her chin as if to contemplate a joke.

JENNIE FENIX: I’m terrible at this.

Jennie pouts.

JENNIE FENIX: I’m not a funny person at all!

ALLEN CHANEY: It’s about structure, love. What’s the set-up?

JENNIE FENIX: Uh, that we have a match against Fake Johnny Sins and Madame Web.

ALLEN CHANEY: See we can use that. ‘In a strange turn of events, Johnny Sins is the one who’s about to get fucked’ is a pretty decent line. Fortunately for him he’s a doctor. And a nurse. And a masseuse. And a dentist. And a pizza boy.

JENNIE FENIX: You forgot astronaut.

ALLEN CHANEY: And astronaut.

JENNIE FENIX: And teacher.

While nodding, Allen answers.

ALLEN CHANEY: And teacher.

JENNIE FENIX: And–

ALLEN CHANEY: A man of many talents!

JENNIE FENIX: MANY TALENTS!

ALLEN CHANEY: So the two of us as a team… is what we call really fucking bad news for everyone else. Like Peanut butter and Jelly. Magic and Kareem. Mahomes an-

JENNIE FENIX: You proooomised less Chiefs stuff after the Super Bowl.

ALLEN CHANEY: Yeah and I’m not dressed like a Chiefs player or listening to T. Swift. I’d say that’s ‘Less Chiefs stuff.’

A moment of quiet.

ALLEN CHANEY: …I’m cute and endearing?

She takes a moment as if to think.

JENNIE FENIX: You really are! But I– like– to think of ourselves as the Malfurion and Tyrande type of danger!

ALLEN CHANEY: Whether it be Azeroth or Arrowhead, this entire company needs to be on high alert with the two of us teaming up. Our opponents seem to be about an…aura. They seemingly do whatever they please in that ring but I got news for them they may not like… I made my career smacking around wanna-be edgy twat-stains who think some broken glass and attacking folk make them scary… we’ll see the problem with that is I got some REAL fucking issues with people blindsiding folks and attacking them outside the confines of a match. That shit kept me on the shelf a long time and it pisses me the fuck off. So yeah, I’m only gonna fight you between the bells because I’m a fuckin’ professional and I don’t make overtime beating your asses off the clock… but rest assured between those bells I will make every effort to hurt you bad enough that maybe you realize what a shitty thing that is to do… or you piss blood. Either works for me. I’m not really picky in that regard. Sounds like either way a valuable lesson was learned and I get to cash a fat check.

JENNIE FENIX: Y’know, I have a little something of a… history… with Steffon and THE BLACK WIDOW!

Jennie can’t help but scowl at the mention of The Black Widow, recalling their first ever encounter… but she shakes it off, and starts to continue, but Allen, with his arms crossed over his chest, interrupts.

ALLEN CHANEY: Wait, wait. Wait a minute. That was her that tried to run you over?

JENNIE FENIX: Yup!

ALLEN CHANEY: And Wraith, your nephew, was just… okay… with that?

JENNIE FENIX: It’s complicated.

Allen nods his head… whether it’s agreeing to “it’s complicated”, or coming to an understanding of the history between Brandy “The Black Widow” Cvetkova and Jennie. Jennie continues!

JENNIE FENIX: I know, Shelob, you’re dating my nephew, and I– I’m trying to give you a chance, but I still can’t help but hold a little bit of a grudge ‘cause you… tried… to… run me over! YOU TRIED TO RUN ME OVER! Like, I’ve dealt with a lot of crazy from the lil’ man but to think that I’m gonna just let it SLIDE that you TRIED TO RUN ME OVER was a little bit over on the scale.

She nods her head exaggeratedly and dramatically.

JENNIE FENIX: Just a smidgen.

She pinches her fingers together.

JENNIE FENIX: It does seem more and more that people around here are liking to blindside people to get anywhere… And, y’know, Steffon has done it– and he’s had a particular issue with me, Miss Wishes-She-Was-Scarlet-Johansson has already proven that she would be willing to do it! And we haven’t gotten any closer to figuring out who tried to take you out, what if it was Steffon? Trying to get to me?

Jennie taps her finger against her chin to ponder the thought.

JENNIE FENIX: It seems right down his alley.

ALLEN CHANEY: I think it really is the whole ‘blindsiding’ bit of it that really gets to me. It’s a tacit admission of inferiority. You don’t jump someone because you feel better than them. You jump them because you’re a frightened animal. If you believe that isn’t the case then I tell you what. Before the show I’ll be in catering. Come fight me about it. I’ll be ready. Spoiler alert: Only people showing up to catering are gonna be looking for Chicken Parm, not a fight with the Fountain City Funnyman. In case you didn’t get the subtext here… SteveTerry and Brown Recluse… as well as whoever attacked me backstage a while back…

Allen clears his throats.

ALLEN CHANEY: I’m calling you all fucking cowards. In case you weren’t aware, it’s the worst thing I think a person can be aside from a Raiders fan.

Jennie pinches Allen's side.

ALLEN CHANEY: …and if this is how folks like ‘Deer Tick Russian Name’ try and angle themselves for a shot at Jen‘s title maybe they should… ya know… make a challenge? Maybe threaten you with Lyme disease?

A confused pause.

ALLEN CHANEY: Because I called her a ‘deer tick’ instead of a ‘Black Widow’

Still silent.

ALLEN CHANEY: Ticks carry Lyme disea-

JENNIE FENIX: ANYWAYS!

Jennie takes a glance down at her championship.

JENNIE FENIX: I’ve heard all kinds of things from the grapevine, and everybody always says… this isn’t what Xenia Onatopp is after. There’s people that say she’s not interested in coming after this championship, that championship, or the other championship, and that all she’s interested in doing is hurting people, but–

She shakes her head.

JENNIE FENIX: Not buying it.

She scoffs.

JENNIE FENIX: I’m not buying it ‘cause there’s nobody who gets in this line of work that doesn’t have their eyes on the grandest prize in the business! Why get into a job that could… quite literally… take everything away from you in the blink of an eye if not for the glory that follows? Is she really trying to say there’s no part of her that would want to come after this title? Is that it? ‘Cause when you tried to run me over– when you took me out of the equation to capture the title just a little bit before I did the first time around, the question stands: why? Why would you want me out of the picture if there wasn’t any sort of aspiration for you to take the belt? Honey Boo Boo, I think you’re going to have to try to convince someone else. ‘Cause me? Like I said… just not buying it.

She can’t help but let out a light chuckle under her breath, and her gaze falters slightly. She does her best not to get too carried away by the thoughts in her mind, but she opts to dive a little into it.

JENNIE FENIX: There’s no changing what happened during my first run as the champion… And there’s no calling it for anything than what it was, and that was a bit– underwhelming. I want to drag all of the competition out of the darkness! I want them to come–

Jennie holds her hand up dramatically, as if to gesture for a magical spotlight to shine down from above. However, there’s nothing. Jennie snaps her fingers a few times, and clears her throat, but still nothing. She takes a deep breath, clenching her jaw as she snaps her fingers a little louder. Allen takes notice.

ALLEN CHANEY: Oh. Lights!

A spotlight finally shines down on the closed stage of the comedy club.

JENNIE FENIX: INTO THE LIGHT! So– if this tag match gives you a little taste of what it’s like to be in the ring, and makes you want more… that’s what I want. ‘Cause I want to do so much more than I did! And I know I don’t need to speak for Allen on what is our job, and what he wants.

Allen chuckles.

ALLEN CHANEY: See, I actually AM mostly here to hurt people but I think it’s rad that I get paid for it and winning a title? Means more money and more people looking to fight me. Win-Win. Right now I’m content to just kick people's asses until management takes notice and lets me loose on someone with gold but uh…

Allen’s grin takes a rather intense turn.

ALLEN CHANEY: I won’t be content forever… and I’m sure Stevie Terrarium takes a look at a Midwestern ‘Side of ranch dressing with every meal’ looking dude like me and thinks he’s got an easy night ahead of him. Look at you, Steve! Lookin real JACKED, brutha! I want you confident. I want you to scoff at my ‘physical fitness’. Then after the match I want a detailed report about what it tasted like when I made you kiss my fat ass.

JENNIE FENIX: Just don’t strain yourself too hard on that. You get that vein thingy in your head when you get too mad… or… think too hard…

Allen takes a glance over at Jennie, and Jennie looks back while tapping at the side of her head.

JENNIE FENIX: It’s true. Haven’t you seen it? Like– he… he gets mad pretty easily. And that thing looks like it could pop. It seems to show up whenever I’m around. Do you think it’s a coincidence?

Jennie shrugs.

JENNIE FENIX: It’s no coincidence. I know I just get… under his skin, and do you want to know why I think that is?

Jennie stretches her arm up to get her elbow onto Allen’s shoulder and leans against her fiancé.

JENNIE FENIX: I think it’s ‘cause he knows– deep down– that he’s just… not on my level. He’s not on the level of anyone! He had his little moment in the sun, he was able to call himself a champion for a short time, but…what’d he do as a champion? Run and hide? Found the easy way out of the fights– much like Brooklyn did with me at Diamonds Are Forever, you were constantly looking for that little escape, while me– I never made excuses. I never looked for an easy way out. So deep down, Terrier, I think you know that I’m TWICE the champion you ever were, and TWICE as skilled. You know what? I think me and Allen are gonna do you a solid…

Jennie steps forward, pivoting on her heels to face Allen with a gleaming smile as she throws her arms out in excitement for her idea.

JENNIE FENIX: We’re going to enter FIRST! That way we’re going to give you and Aragog a chance– a fair chance…

She stops to consider her words briefly.

JENNIE FENIX: A bit contradictory for us at least, but a FAIR CHANCE for you to meet us on that ramp and take the first shot! Get everything in. Take every swing. Take every shot before that bell sounds, and I promise you the moment it sounds… we’re going to fight back… and when the final bell sounds, you’re going to see the future mister and missus Chaney-Docherty–

ALLEN CHANEY: Wait, wait, are we hyphenating?

JENNIE FENIX: It’s something we should talk about?

ALLEN CHANEY: Something to talk about.

JENNIE FENIX: YOU’RE GOING TO SEE THE FUTURE MISTER AND MISSUS CHANEY-DOCHERTY have their arms raised as the winner! And– if you ever want to dial it back, you know where to find us.

ALLEN CHANEY: Get in every last shot that you want to. Bust us open before the bell rings. I want you so confident and so sure of yourselves right up until the moment you’re looking up at the lights. I want every single bit of that buildup leading right to the moment where you fucking lose… there’s a term for it.

JENNIE FENIX: Edging?

ALLEN CHANEY: Nnnnnnnope. Nope. That’s a totally different thing.

JENNIE FENIX: Edging sounds right though, yeah?

Allen awkwardly clears his throat.

ALLEN CHANEY: There IS a term for that structure, you know… The buildup and the payoff working in perfect tandem leading to humor.

Allen is just about to say it but is interrupted.

JENNIE FENIX: Set-up. Punchline.

Allen chuckles and decides two can play at that game.

ALLEN CHANEY: Yeah. Something like that.

Allen blows a kiss to the camera.

ALLEN CHANEY: Ciao, Bitches!

END.