Post by Rob Diamond on May 31, 2017 1:56:43 GMT
{ The scene opens to what one would assume is a derelict two bed room apartment. There are empty Root Beer Flavored Faygo bottles everywhere, literally, as in they are hanging off the ceiling by thin rope, being used as desk lamps which are melting, there is even an entire sectional made up of the empty soda bottles. A crusty dirty hand comes trembling up from behind the soda bottle sectional and clutches what would be the back board. }
Mr Happy: MY HEADDDDDDD!!!!!
{ Another hand even dirtier than the first rises now and clutches the soda bottle sectional, as it slowly slides down the backboard it leaves a disgusting sticky residue… }
Mr Happy: NEVER AGAINNNNNN!!!!!!
{ From the ashes of his obscurity rises the painted nightmare known and feared throughout the bedrooms of children everywhere, MR. HAPPY!!! }
Mr Happy: I am NEVER drinking again…
{ Happy utters as he pulls a half full bottle of Root Beer Faygo out from the back of his jorts leaving you wondering where in the hell he was hiding it and then you decide you don’t want to know. He goes to unscrew the cap but it is strangely missing, Happy closes one eye and seems to squeeze his whole body until he suddenly smiles then takes a big deep swig from the bottle, smiling as he pulls it away and tosses it off to the side. }
Mr Happy: What was I saying??
{ In the background we see the image of a man who looks strangely like former NCW X-Division Champion, Nelly *REDACTED* start walking out from his bedroom but after catching a proper glimpse of the crack of Happy’s ass he turns abruptly around and closes the door behind him. }
Mr Happy: Now to get to training for my big in ring re debut!!!
{ Mr Happy makes his way over to a Faygo bottle bench press and throws all of his weight down onto it virtually crushing it beneath him and quickly goes to work curling full bottles of Cola flavored Faygo, taking sips at the top of each rep. }
Mr Happy: UGH IT TASTES SO BAD!!!!
{ He tosses them aside after roughly three total reps and quickly grabs a bottle of his trusty Root Beer flavor and proceeds to dump it all over his head. }
Mr Happy: That’s better! I am in the best shape of my life!!!!
{ Happy then reaches for a piece of paper which appears to be his new IWF contract and rubs his face viciously with it, strangely his face paint remains intact. He then performs a quick wipe check with the contract and then too tosses that away. }
Mr Happy: Now that I am fully trained and ready to go what do I do now?
{ Happy looks around with an eerie smile. }
Mr Happy: I wonder what Tara is up too…
{ Happy thinks to himself when a door slams from somewhere in the apartment. }
Randy: What in the actual fuck?
{ Happy turns on his heels to see the man known only as Randy *REDACTED* which brings a huge smile to Happy’s face. Happy bounds across the three feet which separate them and goes to hug the man called Randy but a single index finger to the lips stops Happy in his place. }
Randy: WOAH! Don’t you even think about it you tubby son of a bitch.
Mr Happy: Aw Randy, I love when you tell jokes.
Randy: That isn’t a joke you fat bastard, I don’t know what Nelly sees in you but I sure as hell don’t.
{ Happy slaps his knee, completely ignoring the insults. }
Mr Happy: I love you Randy Redacted!
Randy: What did you call me?
{ The man called Randy raises an eyebrow. }
Mr Happy: It’s what IWF said I had to call you on air.
Randy: You’re filming this?
Mr Happy: Of course, it’s my in ring return promo!
{ Randy then turns and from a second shot we see him now dead panning the whole camera crew which includes three camera men, two boom stick operators, a couple of best boys and a director who is framing the shot. }
JJ Abrams: Cue the lens flare!
Randy: Don’t you dare!
{ Randy turns back to Happy, the shot once more focusing in on the two of them. }
Randy: You’re wrestling again?? Wait… Did you say IWF?
Mr Happy: YUPPERS!!!!
Randy: As in Imperial Wrestling Federation?
Mr Happy: The one and only.
{ Randy seems completely dumbfounded as Happy’s right index finger slowly makes its way up toward the painted nostril of the Happy one. Randy briskly slaps the hand away. }
Randy: How in the hell do you get a contract with IWF and Nelly is picking his ass in his bed room?
{ Happy just shrugs. }
Mr Happy: They appreciate good love?
Randy: What?
Mr Happy: Good love. I’m good at loving. They appreciate it. They’ve probably seen all the love I’ve been giving kids at children’s birthday parties and thought they needed that kind of child love in this PG era.
Randy:… What?
Mr Happy: They hired me for my love of children?
{ Randy full on face palms, slowly dragging his hand down his face as he groans. }
Rnady: What. The. Fuck.
{ Happy turns and heads over to the mini fridge he keeps half way between his bonus fridge and the real fridge, he reaches in and pulls out another bottle of Root Beer Faygo. }
Randy: What part of the promo are we in?
Mr Happy: I don’t know, I was never very good at these…
{ He chugs the Root Beer. }
Mr Happy: The part where I talk about how much I love my opponent?
Randy: You don’t love them!
Mr Happy: Well what am I supposed to do!?
Randy: Beat them up!
{ Mr Happy does a spit take all over Randy’s face, Randy seems unsurprised. }
Randy: Who the hell are you facing?
Mr Happy: Thor!!!!
Randy: Huh?
{ Mr Happy cues up a screen in screen shot giving a full break down of his opponent for the week, Ulf Hednir who is decidedly nothing like Thor. Randy analyzes everything and then looks back to Mr Happy who has somehow found a turkey leg which he is now devouring in what one would hope is more than one bite but it turns out to be exactly one bite. }
Randy: Yeah this guy is going to kill you… What kind of a name is Ulf?
Mr Happy: What kind of a name is Redacted?
Randy: My name isn’t Redacted! It’s *REDACTED*…. They edited me didn’t they?
{ We turn to the director who nods. }
Randy: Look Happy. This guy Ulf, stupid name, has speed on you, agility on you, endurance on you, skills on you… I mean he has pretty much everything on you but size…
Mr Happy: So… What you’re saying is… I have a chance!?
{ Mr Happy spikes the mostly full bottle of Root Beer Faygo on the formally white carpeted floor as Randy looks on dumbfounded.}
Randy: Yeah… You have a chance…
{ Happy literally does a spinning flying fist into the air before landing on the floor with a huge smile. }
Mr Happy: You hear that Dolph Lund… Dolph Ling….
Randy: Ulf Hednir.
Mr Happy: THOR! I have a chance and as long as love has a chance then love will find a way! Just ask Dr. Ian Malcolm! Love always finds a way and when it does find it’s way it will love you so hard you will wish you had let love into your life sooner! But alas guy whose name I can’t quite pronounce! Love will find you. It will find you and it will love you and it will love you so hard that you won’t even be able to breath! I AM GOING TO LOVE YOU SO HARD YOU WILL CEASE TO BE!!!!
Randy: Did… Did you just threaten to kill him?
Mr Happy: What?
Randy: What?
Mr Happy: THOR! MR HAPPY LOVES YOU!!!!!!!
{ Mr Happy turns away from the camera and makes a lunging dive straight out the living room picture window… Randy shakes his head… Thankfully they live on the first floor. Fade to black. }
Mr Happy: MY HEADDDDDDD!!!!!
{ Another hand even dirtier than the first rises now and clutches the soda bottle sectional, as it slowly slides down the backboard it leaves a disgusting sticky residue… }
Mr Happy: NEVER AGAINNNNNN!!!!!!
{ From the ashes of his obscurity rises the painted nightmare known and feared throughout the bedrooms of children everywhere, MR. HAPPY!!! }
Mr Happy: I am NEVER drinking again…
{ Happy utters as he pulls a half full bottle of Root Beer Faygo out from the back of his jorts leaving you wondering where in the hell he was hiding it and then you decide you don’t want to know. He goes to unscrew the cap but it is strangely missing, Happy closes one eye and seems to squeeze his whole body until he suddenly smiles then takes a big deep swig from the bottle, smiling as he pulls it away and tosses it off to the side. }
Mr Happy: What was I saying??
{ In the background we see the image of a man who looks strangely like former NCW X-Division Champion, Nelly *REDACTED* start walking out from his bedroom but after catching a proper glimpse of the crack of Happy’s ass he turns abruptly around and closes the door behind him. }
Mr Happy: Now to get to training for my big in ring re debut!!!
{ Mr Happy makes his way over to a Faygo bottle bench press and throws all of his weight down onto it virtually crushing it beneath him and quickly goes to work curling full bottles of Cola flavored Faygo, taking sips at the top of each rep. }
Mr Happy: UGH IT TASTES SO BAD!!!!
{ He tosses them aside after roughly three total reps and quickly grabs a bottle of his trusty Root Beer flavor and proceeds to dump it all over his head. }
Mr Happy: That’s better! I am in the best shape of my life!!!!
{ Happy then reaches for a piece of paper which appears to be his new IWF contract and rubs his face viciously with it, strangely his face paint remains intact. He then performs a quick wipe check with the contract and then too tosses that away. }
Mr Happy: Now that I am fully trained and ready to go what do I do now?
{ Happy looks around with an eerie smile. }
Mr Happy: I wonder what Tara is up too…
{ Happy thinks to himself when a door slams from somewhere in the apartment. }
Randy: What in the actual fuck?
{ Happy turns on his heels to see the man known only as Randy *REDACTED* which brings a huge smile to Happy’s face. Happy bounds across the three feet which separate them and goes to hug the man called Randy but a single index finger to the lips stops Happy in his place. }
Randy: WOAH! Don’t you even think about it you tubby son of a bitch.
Mr Happy: Aw Randy, I love when you tell jokes.
Randy: That isn’t a joke you fat bastard, I don’t know what Nelly sees in you but I sure as hell don’t.
{ Happy slaps his knee, completely ignoring the insults. }
Mr Happy: I love you Randy Redacted!
Randy: What did you call me?
{ The man called Randy raises an eyebrow. }
Mr Happy: It’s what IWF said I had to call you on air.
Randy: You’re filming this?
Mr Happy: Of course, it’s my in ring return promo!
{ Randy then turns and from a second shot we see him now dead panning the whole camera crew which includes three camera men, two boom stick operators, a couple of best boys and a director who is framing the shot. }
JJ Abrams: Cue the lens flare!
Randy: Don’t you dare!
{ Randy turns back to Happy, the shot once more focusing in on the two of them. }
Randy: You’re wrestling again?? Wait… Did you say IWF?
Mr Happy: YUPPERS!!!!
Randy: As in Imperial Wrestling Federation?
Mr Happy: The one and only.
{ Randy seems completely dumbfounded as Happy’s right index finger slowly makes its way up toward the painted nostril of the Happy one. Randy briskly slaps the hand away. }
Randy: How in the hell do you get a contract with IWF and Nelly is picking his ass in his bed room?
{ Happy just shrugs. }
Mr Happy: They appreciate good love?
Randy: What?
Mr Happy: Good love. I’m good at loving. They appreciate it. They’ve probably seen all the love I’ve been giving kids at children’s birthday parties and thought they needed that kind of child love in this PG era.
Randy:… What?
Mr Happy: They hired me for my love of children?
{ Randy full on face palms, slowly dragging his hand down his face as he groans. }
Rnady: What. The. Fuck.
{ Happy turns and heads over to the mini fridge he keeps half way between his bonus fridge and the real fridge, he reaches in and pulls out another bottle of Root Beer Faygo. }
Randy: What part of the promo are we in?
Mr Happy: I don’t know, I was never very good at these…
{ He chugs the Root Beer. }
Mr Happy: The part where I talk about how much I love my opponent?
Randy: You don’t love them!
Mr Happy: Well what am I supposed to do!?
Randy: Beat them up!
{ Mr Happy does a spit take all over Randy’s face, Randy seems unsurprised. }
Randy: Who the hell are you facing?
Mr Happy: Thor!!!!
Randy: Huh?
{ Mr Happy cues up a screen in screen shot giving a full break down of his opponent for the week, Ulf Hednir who is decidedly nothing like Thor. Randy analyzes everything and then looks back to Mr Happy who has somehow found a turkey leg which he is now devouring in what one would hope is more than one bite but it turns out to be exactly one bite. }
Randy: Yeah this guy is going to kill you… What kind of a name is Ulf?
Mr Happy: What kind of a name is Redacted?
Randy: My name isn’t Redacted! It’s *REDACTED*…. They edited me didn’t they?
{ We turn to the director who nods. }
Randy: Look Happy. This guy Ulf, stupid name, has speed on you, agility on you, endurance on you, skills on you… I mean he has pretty much everything on you but size…
Mr Happy: So… What you’re saying is… I have a chance!?
{ Mr Happy spikes the mostly full bottle of Root Beer Faygo on the formally white carpeted floor as Randy looks on dumbfounded.}
Randy: Yeah… You have a chance…
{ Happy literally does a spinning flying fist into the air before landing on the floor with a huge smile. }
Mr Happy: You hear that Dolph Lund… Dolph Ling….
Randy: Ulf Hednir.
Mr Happy: THOR! I have a chance and as long as love has a chance then love will find a way! Just ask Dr. Ian Malcolm! Love always finds a way and when it does find it’s way it will love you so hard you will wish you had let love into your life sooner! But alas guy whose name I can’t quite pronounce! Love will find you. It will find you and it will love you and it will love you so hard that you won’t even be able to breath! I AM GOING TO LOVE YOU SO HARD YOU WILL CEASE TO BE!!!!
Randy: Did… Did you just threaten to kill him?
Mr Happy: What?
Randy: What?
Mr Happy: THOR! MR HAPPY LOVES YOU!!!!!!!
{ Mr Happy turns away from the camera and makes a lunging dive straight out the living room picture window… Randy shakes his head… Thankfully they live on the first floor. Fade to black. }