Post by Fiona McFly on Aug 23, 2017 17:16:12 GMT
~The following entry was taken from Fiona's private diary and posted onto the website by Ms. McFly herself. In the entry, she opens up to the IWF fanbase and its workers about how recent events have affected her, both professionally and personally.~
Date Originally Written: 24 July 2017
Posted On: 22 August 2017
Posted On: 22 August 2017
I write this to you, the fans as well as my working colleagues in the Imperial Wrestling Federation--male or female.
I have always striven to keep up an open mind when it came to this business and, to a greater extent, life outside the ring in general. Every day I awaken from my nightly slumber, watch the sunrise, and try to telll myself that today is, indeed, going to be the day when I get things right, that I'm going to put my best foot forward and embrace a new challenge and, hopefully, become blessed with the knowledge that I learned something new. When day turns into night, when I go back to sleep...I would feel as if I finished what I wanted to do, that everything was going to be alright, and that I'll have enough strength and courage left to look forward to the next day.
At least...that was in theory.
But in practice? Not so much.
I've read the comments being posted on my Facebook page these last few months or so, and whilst many of them were extremely positive in nature, some have been quite derisive of me because of the choices I've made when I'm not doing things related to IWF. They say I should stick to wrestling, that I should just keep doing the same things over and over again just to satisfy their lust for on-screen violence.
And everyone knows that I want to be MORE than some face on a television screen.
The thing is, though...even though I've only been wrestling for two years, I've been keeping an athletic-based lifestyle for the past seventeen years. Whilst keeping in shape has been a blessing unto itself, after a while of workouts, competitions, etc., I start feeling as if I'm in a prison, like a bird caged for all eternity that only wants to fly out into the world. And to utilise a passage from one of my favourite movies, "prison life consists of routine...and more routine."
Most times I find myself not being able to slow down and take in the view of the scenery.
When your body ages, you start to feel sensations that you've never felt before, causing you to hurt all over. I'm aged 35 now, and I've had moments in which I simply don't want to get up and move as quickly as I should. That's why, for the last few months or so, I've made a conscious attempt to try and prepare for life outside of wrestling, finding something that I can do as a fallback in case I do decide to leave the sporting world altogether.
Something that could give me the sense of balance I've always wanted yet never seemed to have. That little "something," as it turns out, is music.
Oddly enough, I never realised I had any musical talent whatsoever. Then I sang for the Beckham Elementary community at their yearly programme, and...well, I got hooked on the subject. Yet finding that balance between the musical and wrestling fields has been, for lack of a better term, EXTREMELY difficult. I've felt isolated, lonely, underappreciated in spite of my on-canera demeanour.
It's about time that I open up to each and every one of you, because I feel like you all have the right to know how I've been really feeling these last several months and, to a grander extent, these last two years. After all you, the IWF fans and fellow colleagues, always have been and always will be a part of something special--the greatest lot that has ever come into my life.
I have not been open to anyone on a lot of things, keeping my deepest and darkest secrets hidden in my heart, away from anyone and everyone because I didn't want anybody--not even my own husband Jack--to think of me differently or in a negative light. A part of me wishes I would no longer have to question myself on why I've been working on the things I've been working on--from grappling to music. I wake up every morning, trying to figure out the answers to what I'm asking myself yet struggling to do so.
I don't sleep well at night. When I do, I'm left to ponder whether or not I've finished everything that I've started, only to find that I failed at some point. When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't see myself smiling for a pretend-selfie or some media personality. Instead, I'd see myself as incomplete, broken and useless--that I'm not scary enough to be a good grappler. That I'm not musically-oriented enough to perform songs on request. That I'm not cool enough to take photos with the people who pay to watch this industry.
That I'm not talented enough to be a champion in and out of a ring. That everything I've done within the past two years, wrestling or otherwise, was the result of some freak happenstance and not of my own work. It's been affecting my professional and personal lives, to the point when I just want to give up on everything I've worked for--even life itself. It hurts. It really, really does.
I don't want to live like that anymore.
I'm not Supergirl or Wonder Woman, trying to save the day in each weekly episode. I'm just a human being who works as hard as I can, if not harder, so I can put out the best possible product for you whilst trying to balance out my personal projects so I can feel as if I AM living as fruitful of a life as I can.
No matter what OTHER people tell me.
I don't know if my beloved Grandpapa was right, or Miss Kimble, or anyone else I've encountered in my travels, but I don't know whether I was destined to be part of something special like wrestling or music. I don't know whether or not everything I've done was accidental, like something just happened for no rhyme or reason whatsoever and you just can't put a finger on it and ponder why it had to happen a certain way.
Maybe it's both. Maybe both things happen at the same time. I just do not know.
I love you all. Very, very much. Don't ever forget that.
I have always striven to keep up an open mind when it came to this business and, to a greater extent, life outside the ring in general. Every day I awaken from my nightly slumber, watch the sunrise, and try to telll myself that today is, indeed, going to be the day when I get things right, that I'm going to put my best foot forward and embrace a new challenge and, hopefully, become blessed with the knowledge that I learned something new. When day turns into night, when I go back to sleep...I would feel as if I finished what I wanted to do, that everything was going to be alright, and that I'll have enough strength and courage left to look forward to the next day.
At least...that was in theory.
But in practice? Not so much.
I've read the comments being posted on my Facebook page these last few months or so, and whilst many of them were extremely positive in nature, some have been quite derisive of me because of the choices I've made when I'm not doing things related to IWF. They say I should stick to wrestling, that I should just keep doing the same things over and over again just to satisfy their lust for on-screen violence.
And everyone knows that I want to be MORE than some face on a television screen.
The thing is, though...even though I've only been wrestling for two years, I've been keeping an athletic-based lifestyle for the past seventeen years. Whilst keeping in shape has been a blessing unto itself, after a while of workouts, competitions, etc., I start feeling as if I'm in a prison, like a bird caged for all eternity that only wants to fly out into the world. And to utilise a passage from one of my favourite movies, "prison life consists of routine...and more routine."
Most times I find myself not being able to slow down and take in the view of the scenery.
When your body ages, you start to feel sensations that you've never felt before, causing you to hurt all over. I'm aged 35 now, and I've had moments in which I simply don't want to get up and move as quickly as I should. That's why, for the last few months or so, I've made a conscious attempt to try and prepare for life outside of wrestling, finding something that I can do as a fallback in case I do decide to leave the sporting world altogether.
Something that could give me the sense of balance I've always wanted yet never seemed to have. That little "something," as it turns out, is music.
Oddly enough, I never realised I had any musical talent whatsoever. Then I sang for the Beckham Elementary community at their yearly programme, and...well, I got hooked on the subject. Yet finding that balance between the musical and wrestling fields has been, for lack of a better term, EXTREMELY difficult. I've felt isolated, lonely, underappreciated in spite of my on-canera demeanour.
It's about time that I open up to each and every one of you, because I feel like you all have the right to know how I've been really feeling these last several months and, to a grander extent, these last two years. After all you, the IWF fans and fellow colleagues, always have been and always will be a part of something special--the greatest lot that has ever come into my life.
I have not been open to anyone on a lot of things, keeping my deepest and darkest secrets hidden in my heart, away from anyone and everyone because I didn't want anybody--not even my own husband Jack--to think of me differently or in a negative light. A part of me wishes I would no longer have to question myself on why I've been working on the things I've been working on--from grappling to music. I wake up every morning, trying to figure out the answers to what I'm asking myself yet struggling to do so.
I don't sleep well at night. When I do, I'm left to ponder whether or not I've finished everything that I've started, only to find that I failed at some point. When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't see myself smiling for a pretend-selfie or some media personality. Instead, I'd see myself as incomplete, broken and useless--that I'm not scary enough to be a good grappler. That I'm not musically-oriented enough to perform songs on request. That I'm not cool enough to take photos with the people who pay to watch this industry.
That I'm not talented enough to be a champion in and out of a ring. That everything I've done within the past two years, wrestling or otherwise, was the result of some freak happenstance and not of my own work. It's been affecting my professional and personal lives, to the point when I just want to give up on everything I've worked for--even life itself. It hurts. It really, really does.
I don't want to live like that anymore.
I'm not Supergirl or Wonder Woman, trying to save the day in each weekly episode. I'm just a human being who works as hard as I can, if not harder, so I can put out the best possible product for you whilst trying to balance out my personal projects so I can feel as if I AM living as fruitful of a life as I can.
No matter what OTHER people tell me.
I don't know if my beloved Grandpapa was right, or Miss Kimble, or anyone else I've encountered in my travels, but I don't know whether I was destined to be part of something special like wrestling or music. I don't know whether or not everything I've done was accidental, like something just happened for no rhyme or reason whatsoever and you just can't put a finger on it and ponder why it had to happen a certain way.
Maybe it's both. Maybe both things happen at the same time. I just do not know.
I love you all. Very, very much. Don't ever forget that.
~FIONA