Post by Eddie D. on Aug 13, 2013 14:39:10 GMT
We come to you today from the BRAND SPANKING NEW APARTMENT OF ROB DIAMOND!!! That’s right ladies and gentlemen and extra terrestrials alike, Rob Mother Loving Diamond has moved out of the broken home of Kane and gotten his own place… Literally right down the street from them. It’s nice, three bed room, one and half baths and a really nice view of a park.
Anyway, today we find myself and Spikey moving some things in like my monster television and my pimp theater seating recliner couch. Spike’s doing a lot of the heavy lifting while I sulk for a minute or two in what should be my daughter’s room .It’s nice, I bought one of those three in one cribs that transforms as the kid gets bigger until it becomes their first bed. I like it. I also hung up a bunch of posters of female super heroes because, well, I’m going to raise this kid right… Eventually raise her…
Spike: Hey man, you ok?
Rob: Huh?
Spike catches me in the middle of a moment, I quickly replace the look on my face with a trade mark grin.
Rob: Yeah, I’m fine, you?
Spike: I’m doing ok… I know it’s a little late to say this but you don’t have to move out.
Rob: Nah, I do. It’s time for little ole’ Rob here to put on his big boy pants.
He laughs a little before walking back outside to grab another box from the truck, truth be told I don’t have that much stuff but it’s nice that he’s helping. I honestly can’t imagine the shit storm going through his head right now.
I catch up with him outside when my phone goes off.
Rob: Yell-o?
”Mr. Diamond, this is Jeanine Maryweather from Michigan State Child Services.”
Rob: Okay?
Mr. Diamond we are pleased to inform you that you’ve been awarded full custody of your daughter and you may come down and pick her up whenever you want.”
Rob: WHAT?? Seriously??
I nearly faint.
”Absolutely Mr. Diamond. I’m not entirely sure what you did to pull this off, truth be told your case was looking pretty bleak but it seems the stars have aligned in your favor.”
Spike looks at me with a questioning eye as I’m sure the smile on my face is ten miles wide.
Rob: Oh my god… I’ll be there as soon as I can.
”Excellent. And Mr. Diamond, congratulations.”
Rob: Thank you so much!
The call ends and I am ten feet high in the air with one of the most epic “Flash” jumps the world has ever seen, I come down in a Tim Tebow stance and Spike really looks confused now.
Spike: Dude, the hell is going on?
Rob: I’ve got her.
Spike: What?
Rob: I won, somehow, Hope can come home.
Now he gets it and he’s got a big dopey smile himself.
Spike: Seriously? That’s freaking awesome. Well let’s go get her!
Rob: Hell yeah.
I lock everything up and Spike and I are in my Kia Soul before you can say… I don’t know, before you can even think of anything to say. I rip out of my drive way, throw it in drive and I’m about to take off when the same thing hits Spike and I at the same time…
Spike: Rob… You uhh… You did throw that guy Slade’s number out, right? You didn’t call him?
Rob: I threw it out right in front of you…
Spike: Doesn’t it seem a bit odd that you just got awarded custody out of the blue?
Rob: A little…
My phone rings, it’s my lawyer…
Rob: Hello?
”Hey Rob, great news!”
Rob: My assault charges from that party a couple months back were dropped?
”Uh yeah… How did you know?”
Rob: Lucky guess… I gotta run, thanks for the call.
I hang it up and look at Spike, the both of us are pretty worried all of a sudden.
Spike: The fuck is going on, Rob?
Rob: I don’t know… Let’s get to Detroit, get my kid and we’ll figure this out.
Spike: Deal.
I step on it and speed the hell out of this sweet, sweet neighborhood and toward my final destination, Detroit Rock City. Nervous sarcastic humor aside, I’m pretty freaking worried why everything is suddenly going my way…
FastForward to Sunday, Spike and I are standing in front of an IWF banner, the World Tag Team Championship of the World proudly around our waists. The cameras on and ready to hear what one or both of us have to say about our match later in the evening. I smirk.
Rob: GODDAMN!
Yeah, I’m pretty pumped.
Rob: I’ve been watching this little lethal lottery thing from day one, totally pumped about who was going to come out on top, what with two real tag teams in it and couple of cluster tag teams, it really seemed like anyone’s game, but man, the cream does rise to the top, don’t it?
A little too nice, right?
Rob: I never would of thought when first asked that Alex Jones and Jake Keeton would not only make it to the tag team title match, they’d actually work pretty damn well as a team. Truth be told, Alex and I, while family, don’t ever really see eye to eye on anything, and Jake? Well Jake is like an older, more pissed off version of me. He’s like my “Old Man Logan” from an alternate future where I turn into a total dick and a tool. It’s AWESOME!
Are you sensing the niceness fading?
Rob: And then there’s HonorBound, the only tag team left that Spike and I haven’t completely and totally humiliated into oblivion. A couple of young bucks trained by two of the best to ever lace em’ up, one of whom I’m almost completely positive is really just Falcon with a sun tan in a mask and the other one is like… Really respectful and it kind of creeps me out. I mean, I’m pretty psyched to see them make it to the final, I know neither team really won that last match and I know Spike would agree if this was his promo that we’d prefer this triple threat over a straight up tag match.
I’m positive Spike is nodding his head but like I said, this isn’t his promo.
Rob: But the niceties aside we’re going to have to get into a ring at some point and beat the living hell out of each other for the golden belts around our waists. And while it’d be real easy for me to just rip you sorry sons of bitches apart for every little mistake you’ve ever made in your lives, I don’t feel like it.
Wait, what?
Rob: See, I walked the road of shitting all over Alex Jones the last time we faced off in a tag match and while it was fun crushing his dreams, it always is, I’ve had time since to really sit back and listen to what my brother in law has to say and to be honest, I respect him for it. It ain’t easy turning over a new leaf, trust me, and now that we’re a few months into this whole redemption thing I’m starting to believe Alex actually means it.
Seems like a trust worthy guy…
Rob: He’s had ample opportunities to stab Keeton in the back and get himself involved in a big old blood feud with one of the few men he hasn’t ever really wrestled with in his career, a match that in the long run would probably be more important to his legacy than a tag team title run. So I’ve gotta respect the fact that he stuck with Jake through all his dastardly ways and actually earned himself this title shot. Congrats Alex, you’ve done something VERY FEW people have ever been able to do, get my respect.
We’re talking like six people, tops.
Rob: However, as awesome as that may be for you, we’ve still got to get in the ring and battle it out for these here tag team titles and I don’t know if you haven’t noticed or whatever but Spike and I, we’re kind of a big deal. I mean, the term “Best in the World” gets thrown around a little loosely these days but I feel like as far as tag teams are concerned, you could easily apply that term to us. EASILY. And while you’ve always been pretty good, Alex, I mean did win the ncw world title and that isn’t something just anyone like Andrew Jacobsen can claim, you’ve never really been lumped in with the assorts “Bests of the World.”
Shrugs.
Rob: I mean it’s nothing to be sore about. For someone to stand on top there has to be a number two and a number three and four and five and it just so happens that while you and Keeton are good you’re really just going to end up being more of that foundation that holds up the epic tower that is INFAMOUS! Nothing to be ashamed about Alex, there’s always the Cruiser Weight Title and the Imperial Title, assuming they don’t ever let women wrestle for it…
HAH!
Rob: So you’ll have plenty of chances to be the best at something that doesn’t involve us. But right now, Spike and I are the best and we’re going to stay the best. Period. That sentence doesn’t come with an “Until we break up” because Spike and I, we’re in this division until Riley or someone else pries these belts out of our cold dead hands. So bring it on Alex, I’m looking forward to crushing your dreams again. Seriously. It’s like one of my new favorite hobbies.
That and heroclix…
Rob: Moving on the my alternate self, JAKE KEETON! Jake, what is there to say about you that I didn’t say the last time InFamous steam rolled you into the pit of obscurity?
No, I’m seriously asking.
Rob: You came in like a man on fire and then quickly got put out by that Asian Sensation and now you can’t string two wins together unless you’ve got Alex Jones carrying the slack. Which is awesome that someone finally found a good use for Alex Jones besides polishing another man’s nether regions but what does that really say about you? I mean, separate InFamous and we’re still two well oiled fighting machines, totally capable of ripping mother truckers into chum like it was shark week baby!
Totally watched all of shark week, fyi.
Rob: I can’t exactly the say the same for you. I mean it’s great that together you two are kind of a threat and you do pose a challenge for us, which we love, but I’d like to know that when I’m standing one on one with someone that their actually going to be able to hold their own. I mean, if I get in trouble, sure I can tag in Spike and Spike will totally take care of business but if I have too, I can handle my shit. Mean while if you get in trouble you turn to your trust partner Griff “THE LOADED ELBOW PAD” Johnson and rock some poor dudes jaw. Gotta admit, and this is coming from a guy most wrestlers in the back hate, that’s pretty weak.
You know it’s true.
Rob: What I’m trying to say is legend has it that Jake Keeton doesn’t eat, he doesn’t sleep, he doesn’t bleed, he just keeps coming and coming until he’s the best damn wrestler on the roster bar none! But in actual practice it seems like you just keep coming until things get really, really hard and then you start cheating and even then you’re only scoring wins as long as Alex Jones is there to help you out. Gotta say, you’re not exactly living up to the man fantasy I built in my head.
Sad panda.
Rob: But that isn’t really your problem, all you’re concerned with is winning these days and that’s pretty sweet. I mean you’ve reformatted you’re whole career to do something everyone already works really, really hard to do but since you’re older now you kind of suck at it and need to cheat. Which is cool. I can respect a guy who totally cheats and gets away with it. I mean, I modeled the early portion of my career after a certain blond haired icon who totally did whatever it took to get to the top. Thing is, once I got there I stayed there due to my own god given talents. I’ve been a superstar and a success in every promotion I’ve wrestled in since due to my own talents. I’m one half of the greatest tag team this world will ever know due to my own talents and the fact that I’m tag teamed with literally the most dangerous man alive.
I throw my arms back in a mock stretch.
Rob: What I’m getting at is loaded pad or not, you’re fucked, Jake. Fucked. Because Spike and I, we’ve taken our fair share of beatings via flaming tables and barbed wire wrapped steel chairs so it’s going to take a little more than a loaded pad to knock us down. You could try a gun or something but I feel like the ref would notice the unusual bulge in your pants, I mean generally you’ve got a massive camel toe so the gun would be pretty noticeable. But give it a try, you’re no stranger to pussying out these days anyways.
Grins.
Rob: Love ya Jake.
Kisses.
Rob: Next up on the chopping block are the boys in HonorBound. Now gentlemen I have got to admit I am excited to finally face you two one on one. I mean after all, Cable went all the way to the semi finals in the heir to the throne and Gjenrei, well he’s just been ripping shit up since day one. Honestly it’s a wonder to me you boys didn’t earn yourselves a tag team title shot sooner, ya seem like the obvious candidates to me.
If only I booked the shows.
Rob: But that’s not here or there because you’ve got your shot and sure, you didn’t beat Jake and Alex but you almost did and apparently almost is good enough in this liberal world of ours. Obama would be proud.
Hurts just saying those words even in a mock tone.
Rob: So you’re here, you’ve got this shot and who knows, this may be your only shot you get because every other team that’s come up against us seems to blow up right after we remove our boots from their asses. So not that you weren’t before but you may want to consider taking this match a little bit more seriously.
Couldn’t hurt.
Rob: I mean, you both saw how far Jake is willing to go on Sacrifice and you both saw that even though Alex is all about respect and junk that he’d totally let Jake take your heads off so it may be time to re-evaluate your game plan coming into Sunday. Spike and I, as I’m sure you both know are pretty dangerous mother truckers. I mean, when we want something, we get something and we don’t let nothing or no one stand in our way. I’m sure Angel and Falcon taught ya both that. Thing is kiddies, we want these tag team titles to stay around our waists until the day we can no longer legally enter a wrestling ring. So while you may be coming at this match with your honor and your respect and looking to have yourselves a good old fashioned rasslin’ match, Spike and I? And Jake for that matter. Are looking to separate some heads from some shoulders and walk out with the only title that matters to us.
If you can’t guess I point at the one around my waist.
Rob: I know you gentlemen got some dark, mysterious past to ya, something really heinous that you feel like hiding behind a mask or some sexual tension, but our pasts? We don’t hide it. It’s out there for the world to see and unlike Cable, we don’t regret it. I’ve ended careers, Cable, my own brother’s career to be very specific. So when I look at you, I don’t see shit but a man looking to take what’s mine. I’m sure you’re a fantastic wrestler and I’m sure one day you’ll get your head right and realize you can’t blow smoke up people’s ass to get to the top. You’ve got to embrace that vicious side of yourself, embrace the beast that lies within and just rip through the competition like the worthless sacks of meat they are. Sure, there isn’t anything wrong with liking a guy like Alex Jones and grabbing a drink with him after the show but the second the dude is in the ring with you, Cable, it’s kill or be killed time and I DO NOT hesitate when I’ve got the gun in my hand.
The mock gun for this demonstration being my genitals.
Rob: And Gjenrei, you’re a boss, can’t take that away from you. You fly around that ring like a freaking angel and take people down in the process. Unfortunately Gjenrei, be it here or Japan, you’ve never faced two men like Spike and I before. You’ve never stepped in the ring with people as brutal and blood thirsty as we can be. The one time you got close was that ladder match at Bloody Assizes and look what happened. You came out empty handed. Your’re good Gjenrei, damn good, but what you’re not, what neither of you are is killers. Angel and Falcon taught you the wrong side of the business, the side full of purple hearts and rainbows. The way it should be. But it ain’t that way. We don’t love each other. Most of us don’t even like each other. We travel together in our little groups, like Spike and I and we respect people like Joe who manage to overcome the odds and all that but inside that ring, Gjenrei… All bets are off. I’m not going to care how awesome you were coming into this match. All that respect I hold in my heart for you is going to fade away because inside that ring you will be coming after our tag team titles. OUR TITLES. And we will defend them with our very lives.
I throw my arm around Spike’s shoulder.
Rob: This team, it’s the best goddamn team on the planet. There isn’t a team alive today who could challenge us right now, not HonorBound, not Keeton and Jones. NO ONE! We’re a living fucking nightmare, two former world champions, two hall of famers, brought together not for glory or fame, cause we’ve got that. Brought together because these titles are what we want right now. This is where we want to be. This is the division we want to fight for. Hell, we could walk away from InFamous and be any champion in this company within a month. EASY. But we don’t want to be. We want to be here, now, holding these titles and whooping your asses. So listen close, both of ya. Bring your honor, your redemption and your loaded elbow pad and Spike and I will bring the one thing that makes us better than all four of you.
We look at each other then right back at you.
Rob: Ourselves.
Double crotch chop from the best damn team alive.
Rob: Now get in line bitches, cause each of ya is going to SUCK IT!
BAM! Promo over.
Now fade out on Sunday night and flashback to Saturday afternoon in Detroit. I’m pacing impatiently in the hall of Child Services when I hear a door open. A woman steps out with my daughter in her hands, she’s so much bigger than the last time I saw her. She’s almost six months old now and I can’t help but feel awful for all the time I’ve missed with her already.
“Mr. Diamond, here’s your daughter.”
Rob: Thank you…
She hands her to me, my heart literally melts as this beautiful little girl looks up into my eyes and smiles. She reaches out and grabs my nose and giggles.
Rob: I freaking love you kid.
I can feel a manly tear welling up and I don’t really care because this is the single happiest moment of my life. I don’t even care how this happened at the moment, I just never want to let her go again…
Ever.
Anyway, today we find myself and Spikey moving some things in like my monster television and my pimp theater seating recliner couch. Spike’s doing a lot of the heavy lifting while I sulk for a minute or two in what should be my daughter’s room .It’s nice, I bought one of those three in one cribs that transforms as the kid gets bigger until it becomes their first bed. I like it. I also hung up a bunch of posters of female super heroes because, well, I’m going to raise this kid right… Eventually raise her…
Spike: Hey man, you ok?
Rob: Huh?
Spike catches me in the middle of a moment, I quickly replace the look on my face with a trade mark grin.
Rob: Yeah, I’m fine, you?
Spike: I’m doing ok… I know it’s a little late to say this but you don’t have to move out.
Rob: Nah, I do. It’s time for little ole’ Rob here to put on his big boy pants.
He laughs a little before walking back outside to grab another box from the truck, truth be told I don’t have that much stuff but it’s nice that he’s helping. I honestly can’t imagine the shit storm going through his head right now.
I catch up with him outside when my phone goes off.
Rob: Yell-o?
”Mr. Diamond, this is Jeanine Maryweather from Michigan State Child Services.”
Rob: Okay?
Mr. Diamond we are pleased to inform you that you’ve been awarded full custody of your daughter and you may come down and pick her up whenever you want.”
Rob: WHAT?? Seriously??
I nearly faint.
”Absolutely Mr. Diamond. I’m not entirely sure what you did to pull this off, truth be told your case was looking pretty bleak but it seems the stars have aligned in your favor.”
Spike looks at me with a questioning eye as I’m sure the smile on my face is ten miles wide.
Rob: Oh my god… I’ll be there as soon as I can.
”Excellent. And Mr. Diamond, congratulations.”
Rob: Thank you so much!
The call ends and I am ten feet high in the air with one of the most epic “Flash” jumps the world has ever seen, I come down in a Tim Tebow stance and Spike really looks confused now.
Spike: Dude, the hell is going on?
Rob: I’ve got her.
Spike: What?
Rob: I won, somehow, Hope can come home.
Now he gets it and he’s got a big dopey smile himself.
Spike: Seriously? That’s freaking awesome. Well let’s go get her!
Rob: Hell yeah.
I lock everything up and Spike and I are in my Kia Soul before you can say… I don’t know, before you can even think of anything to say. I rip out of my drive way, throw it in drive and I’m about to take off when the same thing hits Spike and I at the same time…
Spike: Rob… You uhh… You did throw that guy Slade’s number out, right? You didn’t call him?
Rob: I threw it out right in front of you…
Spike: Doesn’t it seem a bit odd that you just got awarded custody out of the blue?
Rob: A little…
My phone rings, it’s my lawyer…
Rob: Hello?
”Hey Rob, great news!”
Rob: My assault charges from that party a couple months back were dropped?
”Uh yeah… How did you know?”
Rob: Lucky guess… I gotta run, thanks for the call.
I hang it up and look at Spike, the both of us are pretty worried all of a sudden.
Spike: The fuck is going on, Rob?
Rob: I don’t know… Let’s get to Detroit, get my kid and we’ll figure this out.
Spike: Deal.
I step on it and speed the hell out of this sweet, sweet neighborhood and toward my final destination, Detroit Rock City. Nervous sarcastic humor aside, I’m pretty freaking worried why everything is suddenly going my way…
FastForward to Sunday, Spike and I are standing in front of an IWF banner, the World Tag Team Championship of the World proudly around our waists. The cameras on and ready to hear what one or both of us have to say about our match later in the evening. I smirk.
Rob: GODDAMN!
Yeah, I’m pretty pumped.
Rob: I’ve been watching this little lethal lottery thing from day one, totally pumped about who was going to come out on top, what with two real tag teams in it and couple of cluster tag teams, it really seemed like anyone’s game, but man, the cream does rise to the top, don’t it?
A little too nice, right?
Rob: I never would of thought when first asked that Alex Jones and Jake Keeton would not only make it to the tag team title match, they’d actually work pretty damn well as a team. Truth be told, Alex and I, while family, don’t ever really see eye to eye on anything, and Jake? Well Jake is like an older, more pissed off version of me. He’s like my “Old Man Logan” from an alternate future where I turn into a total dick and a tool. It’s AWESOME!
Are you sensing the niceness fading?
Rob: And then there’s HonorBound, the only tag team left that Spike and I haven’t completely and totally humiliated into oblivion. A couple of young bucks trained by two of the best to ever lace em’ up, one of whom I’m almost completely positive is really just Falcon with a sun tan in a mask and the other one is like… Really respectful and it kind of creeps me out. I mean, I’m pretty psyched to see them make it to the final, I know neither team really won that last match and I know Spike would agree if this was his promo that we’d prefer this triple threat over a straight up tag match.
I’m positive Spike is nodding his head but like I said, this isn’t his promo.
Rob: But the niceties aside we’re going to have to get into a ring at some point and beat the living hell out of each other for the golden belts around our waists. And while it’d be real easy for me to just rip you sorry sons of bitches apart for every little mistake you’ve ever made in your lives, I don’t feel like it.
Wait, what?
Rob: See, I walked the road of shitting all over Alex Jones the last time we faced off in a tag match and while it was fun crushing his dreams, it always is, I’ve had time since to really sit back and listen to what my brother in law has to say and to be honest, I respect him for it. It ain’t easy turning over a new leaf, trust me, and now that we’re a few months into this whole redemption thing I’m starting to believe Alex actually means it.
Seems like a trust worthy guy…
Rob: He’s had ample opportunities to stab Keeton in the back and get himself involved in a big old blood feud with one of the few men he hasn’t ever really wrestled with in his career, a match that in the long run would probably be more important to his legacy than a tag team title run. So I’ve gotta respect the fact that he stuck with Jake through all his dastardly ways and actually earned himself this title shot. Congrats Alex, you’ve done something VERY FEW people have ever been able to do, get my respect.
We’re talking like six people, tops.
Rob: However, as awesome as that may be for you, we’ve still got to get in the ring and battle it out for these here tag team titles and I don’t know if you haven’t noticed or whatever but Spike and I, we’re kind of a big deal. I mean, the term “Best in the World” gets thrown around a little loosely these days but I feel like as far as tag teams are concerned, you could easily apply that term to us. EASILY. And while you’ve always been pretty good, Alex, I mean did win the ncw world title and that isn’t something just anyone like Andrew Jacobsen can claim, you’ve never really been lumped in with the assorts “Bests of the World.”
Shrugs.
Rob: I mean it’s nothing to be sore about. For someone to stand on top there has to be a number two and a number three and four and five and it just so happens that while you and Keeton are good you’re really just going to end up being more of that foundation that holds up the epic tower that is INFAMOUS! Nothing to be ashamed about Alex, there’s always the Cruiser Weight Title and the Imperial Title, assuming they don’t ever let women wrestle for it…
HAH!
Rob: So you’ll have plenty of chances to be the best at something that doesn’t involve us. But right now, Spike and I are the best and we’re going to stay the best. Period. That sentence doesn’t come with an “Until we break up” because Spike and I, we’re in this division until Riley or someone else pries these belts out of our cold dead hands. So bring it on Alex, I’m looking forward to crushing your dreams again. Seriously. It’s like one of my new favorite hobbies.
That and heroclix…
Rob: Moving on the my alternate self, JAKE KEETON! Jake, what is there to say about you that I didn’t say the last time InFamous steam rolled you into the pit of obscurity?
No, I’m seriously asking.
Rob: You came in like a man on fire and then quickly got put out by that Asian Sensation and now you can’t string two wins together unless you’ve got Alex Jones carrying the slack. Which is awesome that someone finally found a good use for Alex Jones besides polishing another man’s nether regions but what does that really say about you? I mean, separate InFamous and we’re still two well oiled fighting machines, totally capable of ripping mother truckers into chum like it was shark week baby!
Totally watched all of shark week, fyi.
Rob: I can’t exactly the say the same for you. I mean it’s great that together you two are kind of a threat and you do pose a challenge for us, which we love, but I’d like to know that when I’m standing one on one with someone that their actually going to be able to hold their own. I mean, if I get in trouble, sure I can tag in Spike and Spike will totally take care of business but if I have too, I can handle my shit. Mean while if you get in trouble you turn to your trust partner Griff “THE LOADED ELBOW PAD” Johnson and rock some poor dudes jaw. Gotta admit, and this is coming from a guy most wrestlers in the back hate, that’s pretty weak.
You know it’s true.
Rob: What I’m trying to say is legend has it that Jake Keeton doesn’t eat, he doesn’t sleep, he doesn’t bleed, he just keeps coming and coming until he’s the best damn wrestler on the roster bar none! But in actual practice it seems like you just keep coming until things get really, really hard and then you start cheating and even then you’re only scoring wins as long as Alex Jones is there to help you out. Gotta say, you’re not exactly living up to the man fantasy I built in my head.
Sad panda.
Rob: But that isn’t really your problem, all you’re concerned with is winning these days and that’s pretty sweet. I mean you’ve reformatted you’re whole career to do something everyone already works really, really hard to do but since you’re older now you kind of suck at it and need to cheat. Which is cool. I can respect a guy who totally cheats and gets away with it. I mean, I modeled the early portion of my career after a certain blond haired icon who totally did whatever it took to get to the top. Thing is, once I got there I stayed there due to my own god given talents. I’ve been a superstar and a success in every promotion I’ve wrestled in since due to my own talents. I’m one half of the greatest tag team this world will ever know due to my own talents and the fact that I’m tag teamed with literally the most dangerous man alive.
I throw my arms back in a mock stretch.
Rob: What I’m getting at is loaded pad or not, you’re fucked, Jake. Fucked. Because Spike and I, we’ve taken our fair share of beatings via flaming tables and barbed wire wrapped steel chairs so it’s going to take a little more than a loaded pad to knock us down. You could try a gun or something but I feel like the ref would notice the unusual bulge in your pants, I mean generally you’ve got a massive camel toe so the gun would be pretty noticeable. But give it a try, you’re no stranger to pussying out these days anyways.
Grins.
Rob: Love ya Jake.
Kisses.
Rob: Next up on the chopping block are the boys in HonorBound. Now gentlemen I have got to admit I am excited to finally face you two one on one. I mean after all, Cable went all the way to the semi finals in the heir to the throne and Gjenrei, well he’s just been ripping shit up since day one. Honestly it’s a wonder to me you boys didn’t earn yourselves a tag team title shot sooner, ya seem like the obvious candidates to me.
If only I booked the shows.
Rob: But that’s not here or there because you’ve got your shot and sure, you didn’t beat Jake and Alex but you almost did and apparently almost is good enough in this liberal world of ours. Obama would be proud.
Hurts just saying those words even in a mock tone.
Rob: So you’re here, you’ve got this shot and who knows, this may be your only shot you get because every other team that’s come up against us seems to blow up right after we remove our boots from their asses. So not that you weren’t before but you may want to consider taking this match a little bit more seriously.
Couldn’t hurt.
Rob: I mean, you both saw how far Jake is willing to go on Sacrifice and you both saw that even though Alex is all about respect and junk that he’d totally let Jake take your heads off so it may be time to re-evaluate your game plan coming into Sunday. Spike and I, as I’m sure you both know are pretty dangerous mother truckers. I mean, when we want something, we get something and we don’t let nothing or no one stand in our way. I’m sure Angel and Falcon taught ya both that. Thing is kiddies, we want these tag team titles to stay around our waists until the day we can no longer legally enter a wrestling ring. So while you may be coming at this match with your honor and your respect and looking to have yourselves a good old fashioned rasslin’ match, Spike and I? And Jake for that matter. Are looking to separate some heads from some shoulders and walk out with the only title that matters to us.
If you can’t guess I point at the one around my waist.
Rob: I know you gentlemen got some dark, mysterious past to ya, something really heinous that you feel like hiding behind a mask or some sexual tension, but our pasts? We don’t hide it. It’s out there for the world to see and unlike Cable, we don’t regret it. I’ve ended careers, Cable, my own brother’s career to be very specific. So when I look at you, I don’t see shit but a man looking to take what’s mine. I’m sure you’re a fantastic wrestler and I’m sure one day you’ll get your head right and realize you can’t blow smoke up people’s ass to get to the top. You’ve got to embrace that vicious side of yourself, embrace the beast that lies within and just rip through the competition like the worthless sacks of meat they are. Sure, there isn’t anything wrong with liking a guy like Alex Jones and grabbing a drink with him after the show but the second the dude is in the ring with you, Cable, it’s kill or be killed time and I DO NOT hesitate when I’ve got the gun in my hand.
The mock gun for this demonstration being my genitals.
Rob: And Gjenrei, you’re a boss, can’t take that away from you. You fly around that ring like a freaking angel and take people down in the process. Unfortunately Gjenrei, be it here or Japan, you’ve never faced two men like Spike and I before. You’ve never stepped in the ring with people as brutal and blood thirsty as we can be. The one time you got close was that ladder match at Bloody Assizes and look what happened. You came out empty handed. Your’re good Gjenrei, damn good, but what you’re not, what neither of you are is killers. Angel and Falcon taught you the wrong side of the business, the side full of purple hearts and rainbows. The way it should be. But it ain’t that way. We don’t love each other. Most of us don’t even like each other. We travel together in our little groups, like Spike and I and we respect people like Joe who manage to overcome the odds and all that but inside that ring, Gjenrei… All bets are off. I’m not going to care how awesome you were coming into this match. All that respect I hold in my heart for you is going to fade away because inside that ring you will be coming after our tag team titles. OUR TITLES. And we will defend them with our very lives.
I throw my arm around Spike’s shoulder.
Rob: This team, it’s the best goddamn team on the planet. There isn’t a team alive today who could challenge us right now, not HonorBound, not Keeton and Jones. NO ONE! We’re a living fucking nightmare, two former world champions, two hall of famers, brought together not for glory or fame, cause we’ve got that. Brought together because these titles are what we want right now. This is where we want to be. This is the division we want to fight for. Hell, we could walk away from InFamous and be any champion in this company within a month. EASY. But we don’t want to be. We want to be here, now, holding these titles and whooping your asses. So listen close, both of ya. Bring your honor, your redemption and your loaded elbow pad and Spike and I will bring the one thing that makes us better than all four of you.
We look at each other then right back at you.
Rob: Ourselves.
Double crotch chop from the best damn team alive.
Rob: Now get in line bitches, cause each of ya is going to SUCK IT!
BAM! Promo over.
Now fade out on Sunday night and flashback to Saturday afternoon in Detroit. I’m pacing impatiently in the hall of Child Services when I hear a door open. A woman steps out with my daughter in her hands, she’s so much bigger than the last time I saw her. She’s almost six months old now and I can’t help but feel awful for all the time I’ve missed with her already.
“Mr. Diamond, here’s your daughter.”
Rob: Thank you…
She hands her to me, my heart literally melts as this beautiful little girl looks up into my eyes and smiles. She reaches out and grabs my nose and giggles.
Rob: I freaking love you kid.
I can feel a manly tear welling up and I don’t really care because this is the single happiest moment of my life. I don’t even care how this happened at the moment, I just never want to let her go again…
Ever.
Well howdy there pardner.