Post by Rob Diamond on Dec 19, 2018 20:14:05 GMT
{ We’re taking a break from our regularly scheduled Haunted Mansion shenanigans to catch up with IWF’s newest, hottest and dare I say most well dressed tag team- }
James: RobMore?
Rob: Absolutely not.
James: Dynasty?
Rob: The CW show?
James: No, for a group name.
Rob: No.
James: Whaddabout Surf Boards and Diamond Cutters?
{ That one isn’t bad. }
Rob: No. Any tag team I’m in is automatically called InFamous regardless of who the other partner is.
{ Speaking of, we fade in on the dapper dressed Rob Diamond in a lavish leather dress jacket and pants over a “Kathy the Cat” t-shirt, Gilmore is in a rugged pair of wranglers and a rather nice polo and Steve Awesome is behind both of them with his jaw on the floor. }
Steve: Hold up. He’s not InFamous. We’re InFamous.
{ Steve points to himself and Rob. }
Rob: Steve, we’ve been over this.
Steve: Don’t give me that unemployed crap. We’re InFamous. Before you and Spike or you and Warren or you and he who shall not be named. You and Gilbo here can call yourselves LessFamous.
{ Also not a bad name. }
Rob: Look Steve. We’re all InFamous. It’s like a family.
James: We’re family?
{ Rob bites his tongue and sighs. }
Rob: Sure. Fuck it.
{ James looks incredibly proud. }
Rob: Now. Tis’ the season and all that shit and we need some male bonding time away from Spike's Haunted abode.
{ Rob gestures to the building before the three of them. }
Steve: The Brokeback Bar?
Rob: Best night club in town.
James: Heck yeah! Sounds like my kinda joint.
{ The three men head into the fine establishment but Steve stops dead in his tracks in the open doorway as he sees a bar filled with nothing but cowboys. }
Steve: Nope. I’ll see you guys later.
{ And immediately leaves as Rob shrugs and slings an arm over James’ shoulder directing him to the bar. The two grab a seat and James starts looking around. }
James: They got a bull!
{ James points as Rob orders up two Malibu Barbies. }
Rob: That they do buddy.
{ A lone cowboy saddles up next to James at the bar. }
Eric: Hey there partner.
James: Howdy!
Eric: Name’s Eric. What brings a shaggy gentleman such as yourself out tonight?
James: Me and my partner are havin’ a boys night out!
{ Eric nods in the direction of Rob who subtly winks back at Eric. }
Eric: He’s a lucky man. If you boys wanna have a little rodeo later look me up.
{ Eric makes a few swipes on his phone and air drops his number to Rob who quickly saves the contact. }
James: Wow. This place is great. Everyone’s so nice. Reminds me of Cheers!
Rob: Yeah… Yeah it sorta does. Tell ya what Jimmy. Let’s line dance.
{ James hops up excitedly as he and Rob head out onto the floor. Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy hits the speakers and pretty much the whole bar pours onto the dance floor. James is really cutting a rug as various patrons pat and nod at him. Rob slinks up from behind and gives James a big old slap on the ass. }
Rob: Looking good man!
{ James, taking it as NFL “good game” sorta thing goes a head and slaps Rob back. }
Eric: Can I get one?
{ Eric comes in from the side and swings his bottom toward Gilmore who just shrugs and throws a “good game” his way too. Suddenly there is a line of clean shaven cowboys standing in front of the bearded Gilmore. }
James: Woah, come on guys, can’t good game everyone!
{ Rob chuckles as he slyly moves away from the dance floor. Eric grabs a seat next to Rob back at the bar. }
Eric: He’s got no idea this is a gay bar, huh?
Rob: Correctamundo.
{ James is still having a blast as Devil Went Down to Georgia comes on… Did Rob just say correctamundo? Christ. Gilmore is rubbing off on him. }
Eric: You planning on telling him?
Rob: Let’s see if we can get him to the rodeo first.
{ Rob winks at Eric and laughs an evil little laugh. However those plans are quickly ruined as Gilmore gets a text from Steve Awesome. }
From Stevemeister: Dude, it’s a gay bar. GET OUT OF THERE!!!!!!!1
{ James eyes suddenly go wide as he realizes for the first time he’s completely surrounded by an ocean of gay men in cowboy hats. One gives him a good slap on the ass as we dramatically fade to black on Gilmore’s horrified face. }
”I’m an evil little shit.”
{ Fade in on Rob “what the fuck is up with his hair” Diamond. }
”For those wondering, Jimmy didn’t end up going to the “rodeo” but I did ride the bull if ya know what I’m saying?”
{ Wink. Nod. Etc. }
”That being said, I’m really starting to like my Little Bear even if he does only play for one team.”
{ The Cowboys? I didn’t know Gilmore was in the NF… Ooooooooh. I get it. }
”As far as partners go you could do a lot worse than Jimmy Gilmore. Amirite Malo?”
{ Fuck yes. }
”Like it’s almost as if you pissed someone off in management so they saddled you with the dead weight known as Todd Williams and told you to drag his worthless ass to a passable tag match against Rob “Mother Fucking” Diamond and his adorably shaggy tag team partner Jimmy “Little Bear” Gilmore.”
{ Passable is a strong word. }
”I mean let’s be real here Malo, having Todd Williams for a partner is like having no partner at all. It’s like tagging with a shadow. He’s basically not there.”
{ Absentee partner syndrome. }
”At least when I look in my corner I get to see the beautiful bearded man that is Jimmy Gilmore. I know when I strut my way over his hand will be out stretched. I know when I slap that hand he’ll enter the match. And I know for better or for worse he’ll wrestle his little heart out. When Malo looks to his corner all he’s gonna see is is a little bit of dust like when Iron Man clawed at the remains of Peter Parker in Avengers: Infinity War.”
{ Now he’s doing the random references too? This is bad. }
”Honestly, I think even the dust of Spider-Man would be a better tag team partner than Todd Williams.”
{ Truth. }
”At least the dust would be physically present.”
{ Which is literally more than you can say for Todd Williams. }
”It’s really a shame, Malo. Todd wasn’t always such a worthless piece of shit. Did you know there was a time he beat me and Roberto Verona in the same year?”
{ Shocking but true. }
”Can you believe that shit? Now Todd Williams couldn’t beat Mr. fucking Happy if you put a gun to his entire damn family. Hell, it’d probably be Happy the Clowns easiest fucking win ever.”
{ The clown is no joke. Seriously. He’s creepy as shit and sneaky good. }
”I’m sure you know how well and truly fucked you are Malo, you don’t need me rubbing your face in the embarrassment that is your tag team partner. Which is why I’m gonna go ahead and extend an offer to you Malo. Bueno Club: InFamous…”
{ Rob starts nodding his head like Jack Nicholson in Anger Management. Ah Shit! Now I’m using stupid movie references! }
”Think of the merchandising money. THINK OF IT!”
{ People will literally buy anything. Did you know that there’s a shirt with a big X on it you can buy? That’s literally it. A big X. The hell is up with that? }
”As for Todd. I’m not gonna run down all the tired tropes that make up the usual cut down Todd promo. We’ve heard it all before. Besides I’ve pretty much spent this entire promo explaining how truly awful you are.”
{ The worst. }
”And look man, it’s not because I don’t like you. Which I don’t. You’re annoying and I can’t stand you. I ran your name through the mud because everything I said is objectively true and you’ve done nothing in your time in IWF to prove a single word of it wrong.”
{ Objectively, not subjectively. This is fact, not opinion. }
”And I’m not talking about title reigns or your lack there of. There’ve been plenty of great wrestlers to walk through the IWF doors and never win a title. T.K. Smiles, Freakke the Clown, Kyle Mason, Jake Keeton. All of them, great wrestlers in their own way. All of them made some sort of positive impact in their time here. But you Todd, you’ve done literally nothing.”
{ Can’t really think of a single Todd moment that stands out. }
”You show up when you can be bothered to, more often than not lose a match and disappear back into the ether. You’ve made no lasting impression on this company whatsoever. In fact, most weeks I’m surprised you still work here because of how little you’ve accomplished. And that isn’t to say you couldn’t accomplish something. You’ve beaten me for fucks sake. Clearly you have the potential to be good.”
{ I don’t like it when Rob is complimentary. }
”But you just don’t give a fuck, Todd.”
{ There we go. }
”And if I’m being honest that really pisses me off because I do give a fuck. I give a whole hell of a lot of fucks. When NCW closed and IWF opened I was among the first in fucking line. I’m one of the IWF O.G.s with Blake, Verona, Spike and Conway. We were IW fucking F before shit like the Pack and Cross and Jacobsen became the new hotness. I poured gallons of my blood, LITERALLY into this company. I’ve nearly died for this company. I’ve given IWF my every fucking thing and asked for nothing in return but the mere opportunity to fucking do it again next week!”
{ He’s angry. }
”And then we have you.”
{ Very angry. }
”Todd “I don’t give a fuck” Williams just taking up space. Rolling around on cruise control while everyone else is breaking their asses to make this company the best goddamn wrestling company in the world! You won’t find a promotion with better wrestlers than IWF! You won’t find a promotion with half the talent and passion we have! So Todd. Let me just be real fucking honest right now.”
“What the fuck are you even doing here?”
“You don’t care about IWF. You don’t even care about yourself, at least not enough to put in some fucking effort. Malo? He gives a shit. He shows up. He may not win every match but the masked fucker sure as hell tries to. Jimmy boy? Say what ya want about him but you’ll never see James Gilmore back down from a fight. And me? I live and breath IWF and if I have it my way I’ll go down swinging just like my brother.”
{ Here Rob, have a snickers. }
”The only thing I have left to say to you Todd is…”
“Give a shit or get out.”
{ Dammmmmmmmmmmmn. }
”And if you ain’t down with that then I’ve got two words for ya.”
{ With a handsome snarl. }
”Suck it.”
{ Until next time dudes and dudettes… Fuck me. }
James: RobMore?
Rob: Absolutely not.
James: Dynasty?
Rob: The CW show?
James: No, for a group name.
Rob: No.
James: Whaddabout Surf Boards and Diamond Cutters?
{ That one isn’t bad. }
Rob: No. Any tag team I’m in is automatically called InFamous regardless of who the other partner is.
{ Speaking of, we fade in on the dapper dressed Rob Diamond in a lavish leather dress jacket and pants over a “Kathy the Cat” t-shirt, Gilmore is in a rugged pair of wranglers and a rather nice polo and Steve Awesome is behind both of them with his jaw on the floor. }
Steve: Hold up. He’s not InFamous. We’re InFamous.
{ Steve points to himself and Rob. }
Rob: Steve, we’ve been over this.
Steve: Don’t give me that unemployed crap. We’re InFamous. Before you and Spike or you and Warren or you and he who shall not be named. You and Gilbo here can call yourselves LessFamous.
{ Also not a bad name. }
Rob: Look Steve. We’re all InFamous. It’s like a family.
James: We’re family?
{ Rob bites his tongue and sighs. }
Rob: Sure. Fuck it.
{ James looks incredibly proud. }
Rob: Now. Tis’ the season and all that shit and we need some male bonding time away from Spike's Haunted abode.
{ Rob gestures to the building before the three of them. }
Steve: The Brokeback Bar?
Rob: Best night club in town.
James: Heck yeah! Sounds like my kinda joint.
{ The three men head into the fine establishment but Steve stops dead in his tracks in the open doorway as he sees a bar filled with nothing but cowboys. }
Steve: Nope. I’ll see you guys later.
{ And immediately leaves as Rob shrugs and slings an arm over James’ shoulder directing him to the bar. The two grab a seat and James starts looking around. }
James: They got a bull!
{ James points as Rob orders up two Malibu Barbies. }
Rob: That they do buddy.
{ A lone cowboy saddles up next to James at the bar. }
Eric: Hey there partner.
James: Howdy!
Eric: Name’s Eric. What brings a shaggy gentleman such as yourself out tonight?
James: Me and my partner are havin’ a boys night out!
{ Eric nods in the direction of Rob who subtly winks back at Eric. }
Eric: He’s a lucky man. If you boys wanna have a little rodeo later look me up.
{ Eric makes a few swipes on his phone and air drops his number to Rob who quickly saves the contact. }
James: Wow. This place is great. Everyone’s so nice. Reminds me of Cheers!
Rob: Yeah… Yeah it sorta does. Tell ya what Jimmy. Let’s line dance.
{ James hops up excitedly as he and Rob head out onto the floor. Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy hits the speakers and pretty much the whole bar pours onto the dance floor. James is really cutting a rug as various patrons pat and nod at him. Rob slinks up from behind and gives James a big old slap on the ass. }
Rob: Looking good man!
{ James, taking it as NFL “good game” sorta thing goes a head and slaps Rob back. }
Eric: Can I get one?
{ Eric comes in from the side and swings his bottom toward Gilmore who just shrugs and throws a “good game” his way too. Suddenly there is a line of clean shaven cowboys standing in front of the bearded Gilmore. }
James: Woah, come on guys, can’t good game everyone!
{ Rob chuckles as he slyly moves away from the dance floor. Eric grabs a seat next to Rob back at the bar. }
Eric: He’s got no idea this is a gay bar, huh?
Rob: Correctamundo.
{ James is still having a blast as Devil Went Down to Georgia comes on… Did Rob just say correctamundo? Christ. Gilmore is rubbing off on him. }
Eric: You planning on telling him?
Rob: Let’s see if we can get him to the rodeo first.
{ Rob winks at Eric and laughs an evil little laugh. However those plans are quickly ruined as Gilmore gets a text from Steve Awesome. }
From Stevemeister: Dude, it’s a gay bar. GET OUT OF THERE!!!!!!!1
{ James eyes suddenly go wide as he realizes for the first time he’s completely surrounded by an ocean of gay men in cowboy hats. One gives him a good slap on the ass as we dramatically fade to black on Gilmore’s horrified face. }
”I’m an evil little shit.”
{ Fade in on Rob “what the fuck is up with his hair” Diamond. }
”For those wondering, Jimmy didn’t end up going to the “rodeo” but I did ride the bull if ya know what I’m saying?”
{ Wink. Nod. Etc. }
”That being said, I’m really starting to like my Little Bear even if he does only play for one team.”
{ The Cowboys? I didn’t know Gilmore was in the NF… Ooooooooh. I get it. }
”As far as partners go you could do a lot worse than Jimmy Gilmore. Amirite Malo?”
{ Fuck yes. }
”Like it’s almost as if you pissed someone off in management so they saddled you with the dead weight known as Todd Williams and told you to drag his worthless ass to a passable tag match against Rob “Mother Fucking” Diamond and his adorably shaggy tag team partner Jimmy “Little Bear” Gilmore.”
{ Passable is a strong word. }
”I mean let’s be real here Malo, having Todd Williams for a partner is like having no partner at all. It’s like tagging with a shadow. He’s basically not there.”
{ Absentee partner syndrome. }
”At least when I look in my corner I get to see the beautiful bearded man that is Jimmy Gilmore. I know when I strut my way over his hand will be out stretched. I know when I slap that hand he’ll enter the match. And I know for better or for worse he’ll wrestle his little heart out. When Malo looks to his corner all he’s gonna see is is a little bit of dust like when Iron Man clawed at the remains of Peter Parker in Avengers: Infinity War.”
{ Now he’s doing the random references too? This is bad. }
”Honestly, I think even the dust of Spider-Man would be a better tag team partner than Todd Williams.”
{ Truth. }
”At least the dust would be physically present.”
{ Which is literally more than you can say for Todd Williams. }
”It’s really a shame, Malo. Todd wasn’t always such a worthless piece of shit. Did you know there was a time he beat me and Roberto Verona in the same year?”
{ Shocking but true. }
”Can you believe that shit? Now Todd Williams couldn’t beat Mr. fucking Happy if you put a gun to his entire damn family. Hell, it’d probably be Happy the Clowns easiest fucking win ever.”
{ The clown is no joke. Seriously. He’s creepy as shit and sneaky good. }
”I’m sure you know how well and truly fucked you are Malo, you don’t need me rubbing your face in the embarrassment that is your tag team partner. Which is why I’m gonna go ahead and extend an offer to you Malo. Bueno Club: InFamous…”
{ Rob starts nodding his head like Jack Nicholson in Anger Management. Ah Shit! Now I’m using stupid movie references! }
”Think of the merchandising money. THINK OF IT!”
{ People will literally buy anything. Did you know that there’s a shirt with a big X on it you can buy? That’s literally it. A big X. The hell is up with that? }
”As for Todd. I’m not gonna run down all the tired tropes that make up the usual cut down Todd promo. We’ve heard it all before. Besides I’ve pretty much spent this entire promo explaining how truly awful you are.”
{ The worst. }
”And look man, it’s not because I don’t like you. Which I don’t. You’re annoying and I can’t stand you. I ran your name through the mud because everything I said is objectively true and you’ve done nothing in your time in IWF to prove a single word of it wrong.”
{ Objectively, not subjectively. This is fact, not opinion. }
”And I’m not talking about title reigns or your lack there of. There’ve been plenty of great wrestlers to walk through the IWF doors and never win a title. T.K. Smiles, Freakke the Clown, Kyle Mason, Jake Keeton. All of them, great wrestlers in their own way. All of them made some sort of positive impact in their time here. But you Todd, you’ve done literally nothing.”
{ Can’t really think of a single Todd moment that stands out. }
”You show up when you can be bothered to, more often than not lose a match and disappear back into the ether. You’ve made no lasting impression on this company whatsoever. In fact, most weeks I’m surprised you still work here because of how little you’ve accomplished. And that isn’t to say you couldn’t accomplish something. You’ve beaten me for fucks sake. Clearly you have the potential to be good.”
{ I don’t like it when Rob is complimentary. }
”But you just don’t give a fuck, Todd.”
{ There we go. }
”And if I’m being honest that really pisses me off because I do give a fuck. I give a whole hell of a lot of fucks. When NCW closed and IWF opened I was among the first in fucking line. I’m one of the IWF O.G.s with Blake, Verona, Spike and Conway. We were IW fucking F before shit like the Pack and Cross and Jacobsen became the new hotness. I poured gallons of my blood, LITERALLY into this company. I’ve nearly died for this company. I’ve given IWF my every fucking thing and asked for nothing in return but the mere opportunity to fucking do it again next week!”
{ He’s angry. }
”And then we have you.”
{ Very angry. }
”Todd “I don’t give a fuck” Williams just taking up space. Rolling around on cruise control while everyone else is breaking their asses to make this company the best goddamn wrestling company in the world! You won’t find a promotion with better wrestlers than IWF! You won’t find a promotion with half the talent and passion we have! So Todd. Let me just be real fucking honest right now.”
“What the fuck are you even doing here?”
“You don’t care about IWF. You don’t even care about yourself, at least not enough to put in some fucking effort. Malo? He gives a shit. He shows up. He may not win every match but the masked fucker sure as hell tries to. Jimmy boy? Say what ya want about him but you’ll never see James Gilmore back down from a fight. And me? I live and breath IWF and if I have it my way I’ll go down swinging just like my brother.”
{ Here Rob, have a snickers. }
”The only thing I have left to say to you Todd is…”
“Give a shit or get out.”
{ Dammmmmmmmmmmmn. }
”And if you ain’t down with that then I’ve got two words for ya.”
{ With a handsome snarl. }
”Suck it.”
{ Until next time dudes and dudettes… Fuck me. }