Anytime

[Abigail]

Wednesday was only a few hours old before Abigail felt ensnared by the midweek lull that usually accompanied her work schedule. On any other Wednesday morning, she might have distracted herself from it by doing something useful like hitting the gym or doing voluntary work at a local animal shelter. But on this particular Wednesday morning, July 7th, 2021, all she felt like doing was gorging on dark chocolate.

And why not? Why shouldn’t she indulge herself?

America was still shaking off the lethargy of a four day misadventure into the heart of gluttony, nobody would judge her, nobody would condemn her for taking a few days for herself, would they?

No, everybody had just celebrated their collective independence, surely they wouldn’t and couldn’t begrudge her for now celebrating her individual independence. This blessed country was founded on God given freedoms wasn’t it? Besides, if she couldn’t just disconnect from the world for a few days and indulge herself, what good was freedom anyway?

She sat up and swung her bare legs out of the bed, retired her plain pale blue robe around her waist with a tighter, more secure knot, before she stood up and grabbed her phone from the top of the bedside table and walked out of the room, emboldened in her quest to satiate her sweet tooth by Twitter trends reminding her that today was World Chocolate Day.

A sign surely that she was on the right path, some things were just meant to be.

All told, she much preferred today’s reminder than yesterday’s. International Bikini Day and International Kissing Day had meant that her feed had been inundated with images of impossibly attractive women wearing every little thing she’d never have the confidence or the body to pull off. If that wasn’t enough, people on her feed had felt it to be the height of hilarity to tag each other specifically in gifs and memes of Eternity kissing Tara too, reminding the world of the one moment her absolute cowardice still couldn’t reconcile.

Whoever scheduled these particular days in this particular order obviously had a twisted sense of humour.

Times like these, days like the last few were when she regretted finding purpose in keeping a running tally of the days she lived for in her head the most. It was more than activism, acknowledging each and every day as having a purpose, and as another opportunity to change something in this most imperfect world gave her life meaning, and anything that gave her life meaning was something she held onto more desperately than most.

Without that essential meaning in her life, without that stable foundation, without a cause to anchor herself to everyday, she’d invite the darkness and hopelessness back into her life, and if she allowed that, thoughts of just how insignificant she was would consume her once more and then she’d start thinking about dying all over again.

She couldn’t put her family through all that again. Never ever again.

She feared they’d never survive it, that she’d lose the only real family she had ever known all over again.

Some things just weren’t worth the risk. 

Abigail couldn’t go back to that black and empty void, because she knew better than most where it would all end, so she refocused herself on something more meaningful before it all got too dark in her head again.

It was probably unintentional, but it still stung her heart deeply every time she was confronted with that damned and very public kiss. Fate had a cruel and twisted sense of humour indeed that fans on her feed were embracing and celebrating acceptance of non heterosexual relationships on International Kissing Day with that particularly unforgettable moment. Each accompanying caption underlined just how deep a chord it had struck with fans within the LGBTQ+ community, particularly lesbian and pansexual women, who congratulated IWF for being progressive and having the courage to present such a moment without too much focus or fetishisation as lesser wrestling promotions have and would have done in the past.

Everything she stood for, every value she represented in the company perfectly distilled and crystallised in the very few seconds that she was most wounded by. Life was a cold hearted and fickle bitch, no wonder she’d wanted out of it more than once before, a long time ago.

Abigail walked down the stairs, and into the kitchen without looking up from her phone. She opened up Emma Danielson’s feed and shot her a quick “Happy Birthday” via DM to her personal account. Emma was never one for putting too much of her life out there publicly, and Abigail respected that. Maybe that’s the lesson she should have taken from the woman who was one of her most significant mentors still down in IWF Devo. She owed much of her attitude adjustment and style redefinition to The Hardcore Hellion, who had made it a point to teach her the importance of a balanced ring psychology in a way Spike Kane had never even considered teaching her. 

The old refrigerator light blinked for a moment before it settled to light up Abigail’s curious face as she peered into the box, separating yesterday’s left over pot roast from the fresh eggs. She dug deep into the second shelf and felt her prize, a half bar of Organic Fair Trade Dark Chocolate.

She smiled as she slowly and carefully retrieved her naughty little secret from the back of the fridge, a secret Emma definitely wouldn’t approve of but one her Ma always kept indulging for her special little girl. God bless Ma and her reliability to make sure she had some in the house for whenever Abigail had the good fortune to visit.

Abigail unwrapped what remained of the bar carefully, not bothering to break it into pieces this time. She brought it up to her lips and the hint of cherry infused flavour the packet promised barely had time to settle on her tongue before she heard Ma.

”Oh dear, that bad huh?”

Abigail caught a piece of chocolate as it threatened to fall off her chin before she shut the door of the fridge and turned to face her smiling mother in the doorway. She swallowed hard.

”Didn’t mean ta wake ya Ma, I’m sorry.”

”You’re a little too old ta be sneakin’ around lookin’ for snacks at ungodly hours.”

”Why break the habit of a lifetime?”

”So that’s why none of your other foster families stuck with ya,” Ma teased. “Sneakin’ around stealin’ their chocolate rations every morn’.”

”Sure, let’s go with that,” Abigail smiled, “Gotta be better than whatever everyone’s real reasons were for bouncin’ me around.”

”Their loss, Abby. You were never the problem.”

”Thank ya, it’s nice ta hear, even if I have trouble believin’ it sometimes myself.”

Ma walked forward and immediately wrapped an arm around Abigail’s shoulder, kissing her on the top of her head whilst Abigail savoured another bite of her chocolate bar.

”Awww honey. Believe it. Ya re lovable, ya are worthy of love. Ya deserve all the happiness in the world. Your Pa and I, we love you. So do your brothers. You’ve never asked for anythin’ ya aren’t entitled ta, and through His Grace, ya will get it. Ya just have ta be patient, ya just have ta trust in His plan for ya. When the time is right, He will bless ya with more than ya have ever dreamed.”

”I don’t want that much, I just want ta be loved and accepted, I just want ta be worthy of…”

”Eternity?”

Abigail nods slowly, contemplating a third mouthful of chocolate.

”What makes ya think ya already aren’t worthy of her, child?”

”She’s the most successful person in the company, bar none…she could have anybody she wanted, and I’m just…me.”

”And ya don’t think that’s enough?”

”How can it be? Extraordinary people don’t go for ordinary folk. Like sticks with like, that’s probably why she kissed Tara.”

”Oh honey, there’s your first mistake,” Ma said softly. “Don’t put her on such a high pedestal that ya push her out of your reach. That’s about as unhelpful as kickin’ yourself down. See yourself as an equal first, and if she can’t, it is her problem, not yours. If she sees herself as above you, it is her who doesn’t deserve you, not t’other way ‘round. Remember that.”

”Easier said than done.”

“Anythin’ worth a damn in this life always is, baby,” Ma said. “But I know you’re stronger than ya think. I believe in you, I always will.”

”Bless ya Ma,” Abigail kissed the elderly woman on the cheek, unintentionally leaving behind some chocolate. She giggled as she wiped it with her finger. “I love you.”

”I love you too, darlin’” Ma said, taking the quarter of the bar that was left from her daughter and putting it back in the fridge. “That’s quite enough, I think.”

“You’re probably right,” Abigail smiled, cuddling into Ma’s embrace. “Thank you.”

”Anytime, honey, Ma smiled, tilting her head until they touched and stood in each other’s loving arms. “Anytime.”