Post by Rob Diamond on Sept 14, 2021 19:56:52 GMT
The Protocol Son Came! The Protocol Son Saw! The Protocol Son KICKED SOME ASS!
No, I am still not mis-speaking.
I told you the GOAT was going to go toe to toe with Thunder Sid and absolutely mop the floor with him and what did he do!? MOPPED THE FLOOR WITH HIM!
Metaphorically speaking.
Now it’s a new week with a new opponent, a man the great and powerful, Rob Diamond has never faced. A man who calls himself, Malo. A man who very much reminds me of Spike Kane’s aborted Senior Xtremo gimmick but vaguely latino?
God, I hated that gimmick.
And no one was asking you.
But before we shift into low gear, low because low brow is the only humor a Diamond knows, get it? It was a pun. You should be laughing.
Bah! What do these plebians know of true humor anyways!? Nothing! All you people wouldn’t know funny if you got slapped by a rubber chicken at the hands of Grocho Marx himself!
As I was saying before we cut to the meat and potatoes of any Diamond Family promo we need to deep dive into something really and truly dramatic to get all of your peepers flowing. Rob Diamond, the world’s greatest troll, has to answer for some lude tweets.
Mama Kane: What the fuck is this about!?
{ It’s a chilly day in Hartford County, Connecticut. Normally this would be much invited by the residents of this great state after the grueling summer they endured of record temperatures. Do your part people, lower that carbon footprint!
However the chill in the air is matched by the tone of Mama Kane’s voice and that tone has sent shivers rippling up and down Rob’s spine as he immediately ducks for cover behind the empty crib of little Michael.
Where’s the baby? Unsure. And unimportant to this promo. }
Mama Kane: I know you’re in here, Sugar Tits!
Rob Diamond: Stop calling me that!
Mama Kane: So what the fuck?
{ Rob cautiously climbs out from behind the crib making sure to look for any possible weapons Mama Kane could have in her possession, like a rail road spike for example or a large pair of bolt cutters, perhaps. Thankfully the coast is clear. }
Rob Diamond: I was just having a bit of fun?
Mama Kane: A bit of fun!? You challenged him to a naked Greco/Roman style wrestling match in a pit of KY Jelly!?
Rob Diamond: Yeah but… Sarcastically?
{ Rob attempts to sound as cute and innocent as possible but Mama Kane isn’t having any of it. }
Mama Kane: I’m only going to say this once so you better be listening.
Rob Diamond: Listening.
Mama Kane: No one.
{ Mama steps a bit closer to Rob who flinches despite her not raising her hand or anything, clearly she wears the pants in this relationship. }
Mama Kane: And I repeat, NO ONE, puts anything inside of you but me. Understood?
{ Rob nods his head very quickly. }
Rob Diamond: Understood.
Mama Kane: Good. Now about that Greco/Roman thing.
Rob Diamond: Tube is already filled in the basement!
{ Mama Kane smirks at her good little husband before escorting him in the general direction of their sex basement, they’re working on a better name for it. Something like Sex Groto. Anyway, that’s all for this weeks edition of Inside Rob Diamond. Tune in next week for more shenanigans! }
Could Rob Diamond be anymore whipped!?
Probably not.
Sure pal.
Anyway! It’s time for everyone’s moment of the week! Rob Diamond talks about the guy he’s going to face and maybe will explain how and why he is going to win! Will there be insults? Will there be jokes? Will there be fun puns based on the name of el grande Malo?
Almost certainly!
But let’s find out!
Constantly.
I don’t think that’s the phrase.
The journey of the uncharacteristically kind Rob Diamond continues as he takes on the fakest luchador this world has ever seen and who’s accent no one is buying into, El Grande Malo!
Will Malo be able to meet the challenge of the ball-less one?
Will Rob Diamond ever get his balls back from Mama Kane?
Where exactly are their kids and how come no one seems to care?
Find out on the next:
BEING A DIAMOND!
No, I am still not mis-speaking.
I told you the GOAT was going to go toe to toe with Thunder Sid and absolutely mop the floor with him and what did he do!? MOPPED THE FLOOR WITH HIM!
Metaphorically speaking.
Now it’s a new week with a new opponent, a man the great and powerful, Rob Diamond has never faced. A man who calls himself, Malo. A man who very much reminds me of Spike Kane’s aborted Senior Xtremo gimmick but vaguely latino?
God, I hated that gimmick.
Rob Diamond - InFamously too nice
”I thought it was ok.”
”I thought it was ok.”
And no one was asking you.
But before we shift into low gear, low because low brow is the only humor a Diamond knows, get it? It was a pun. You should be laughing.
Rob Diamond - Funniest man to graduate from the Connecticut public school system, circa 2003
”They would if your joke was funny.”
”They would if your joke was funny.”
Bah! What do these plebians know of true humor anyways!? Nothing! All you people wouldn’t know funny if you got slapped by a rubber chicken at the hands of Grocho Marx himself!
As I was saying before we cut to the meat and potatoes of any Diamond Family promo we need to deep dive into something really and truly dramatic to get all of your peepers flowing. Rob Diamond, the world’s greatest troll, has to answer for some lude tweets.
Rob Diamond - Does not like where this is heading
”Wait, what!?”
”Wait, what!?”
Mama Kane: What the fuck is this about!?
{ It’s a chilly day in Hartford County, Connecticut. Normally this would be much invited by the residents of this great state after the grueling summer they endured of record temperatures. Do your part people, lower that carbon footprint!
However the chill in the air is matched by the tone of Mama Kane’s voice and that tone has sent shivers rippling up and down Rob’s spine as he immediately ducks for cover behind the empty crib of little Michael.
Where’s the baby? Unsure. And unimportant to this promo. }
Mama Kane: I know you’re in here, Sugar Tits!
Rob Diamond: Stop calling me that!
Rob Diamond - Really, really hates that nickname
”It’s so degrading!”
Mama Kane - Doesn’t care
”Well maybe I’d stop saying it if you’d stop playing gay chicken with Dean Harper on Twitter!”
Rob Diamond - Hates being called out on his shit outside of the normal dramatic setting
”Can we move this discussion to a more private location, please?’
Mama Kane - Currently shrugging with annoyance
”Sure.”
”It’s so degrading!”
Mama Kane - Doesn’t care
”Well maybe I’d stop saying it if you’d stop playing gay chicken with Dean Harper on Twitter!”
Rob Diamond - Hates being called out on his shit outside of the normal dramatic setting
”Can we move this discussion to a more private location, please?’
Mama Kane - Currently shrugging with annoyance
”Sure.”
Mama Kane: So what the fuck?
{ Rob cautiously climbs out from behind the crib making sure to look for any possible weapons Mama Kane could have in her possession, like a rail road spike for example or a large pair of bolt cutters, perhaps. Thankfully the coast is clear. }
Rob Diamond: I was just having a bit of fun?
Mama Kane: A bit of fun!? You challenged him to a naked Greco/Roman style wrestling match in a pit of KY Jelly!?
Rob Diamond - Probably takes jokes too far
”In my defense, I didn’t think she read Twitter.”
”In my defense, I didn’t think she read Twitter.”
Rob Diamond: Yeah but… Sarcastically?
{ Rob attempts to sound as cute and innocent as possible but Mama Kane isn’t having any of it. }
Mama Kane: I’m only going to say this once so you better be listening.
Rob Diamond: Listening.
Mama Kane: No one.
{ Mama steps a bit closer to Rob who flinches despite her not raising her hand or anything, clearly she wears the pants in this relationship. }
Mama Kane: And I repeat, NO ONE, puts anything inside of you but me. Understood?
{ Rob nods his head very quickly. }
Rob Diamond: Understood.
Mama Kane: Good. Now about that Greco/Roman thing.
Rob Diamond: Tube is already filled in the basement!
{ Mama Kane smirks at her good little husband before escorting him in the general direction of their sex basement, they’re working on a better name for it. Something like Sex Groto. Anyway, that’s all for this weeks edition of Inside Rob Diamond. Tune in next week for more shenanigans! }
Could Rob Diamond be anymore whipped!?
Probably not.
Rob Diamond - Prefers the term “Partner” to “whipped”
”There is nothing wrong with being a beta male in a relationship with a strong, independent woman who would absolutely cut my lil Rob off for any reason whatsoever beyond a minor inconvenience.”
”There is nothing wrong with being a beta male in a relationship with a strong, independent woman who would absolutely cut my lil Rob off for any reason whatsoever beyond a minor inconvenience.”
Sure pal.
Anyway! It’s time for everyone’s moment of the week! Rob Diamond talks about the guy he’s going to face and maybe will explain how and why he is going to win! Will there be insults? Will there be jokes? Will there be fun puns based on the name of el grande Malo?
Almost certainly!
But let’s find out!
Rob Diamond - The only alpha-beta male you will ever meet
”You ever look at someone and your mind just floods with like a million insults?”
”You ever look at someone and your mind just floods with like a million insults?”
Constantly.
Rob Diamond - Trying to be a face
”That’s how I feel when I look at El Grande Malo. Like, there’s just something about his face and the way he talks and his overall demeanor that just sends me into full old school heel Rob Diamond mode.”
“I’m talking like back when I was replaced by that gritty reboot version of myself, heel mode.”
“I hated that guy.”
“But I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to to stand here like most everyone else and just rip into Malo. That’s mean. It’s also unoriginal. And Malo seems like a nice guy. Anyone can stand in a dark room in front of a camera and just talk shit. It doesn’t take a massive amount of talent to be good at talking shit and what does talking shit about someone like Malo actually accomplish?”
“The dude doesn’t care.”
“It’s like water under a duck’s dick, it just flows on by.”
”That’s how I feel when I look at El Grande Malo. Like, there’s just something about his face and the way he talks and his overall demeanor that just sends me into full old school heel Rob Diamond mode.”
“I’m talking like back when I was replaced by that gritty reboot version of myself, heel mode.”
“I hated that guy.”
“But I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to to stand here like most everyone else and just rip into Malo. That’s mean. It’s also unoriginal. And Malo seems like a nice guy. Anyone can stand in a dark room in front of a camera and just talk shit. It doesn’t take a massive amount of talent to be good at talking shit and what does talking shit about someone like Malo actually accomplish?”
“The dude doesn’t care.”
“It’s like water under a duck’s dick, it just flows on by.”
I don’t think that’s the phrase.
Rob Diamond - Refuses to conform to social norms
”I could sit here all down running down Malo like he was somehow the absolute wrestler or person in the company and all I’d get for my trouble is him telling me he’s going to beat me in a bad accent.”
“So why waste his and my time?”
“I know some people in the back get off on running people down. It’s like their weird fetish to just cut promo after promo after promo about why everyone in the whole world of wrestling sucks besides them. Personally? I feel like that’s pretty damn lazy. And honestly, if everyone in this company sucked as much as everyone else always says they do then why the hell is anyone even watching us anymore?”
“Feels counter productive now, doesn't it?”
“So Malo, I’m not going to go with my gut reaction to just trash talk you into oblivion. I mean, you’ve been here now forever, so clearly you don't suck. You’ve even won some matches so me claiming you suck would be an outright lie. And lying isn’t my gimmick. I leave that sort of shit up to somebody else.”
“So instead why don’t we talk about something that is productive? You know what I’m saying? Let’s try and make some progress and really get down to the root of why people constantly overlook you when discussing who may or may not be the next breakout star in IWF?”
“It’s probably the comedy.”
“I know, I know, you’re not trying to be funny. Or, at least, that is what you’re constantly trying to tell the people who call you a clown or a comedy act. But we’re being honest with each other here, Malo, I feel a certain level of trust between us, so you can trust when I say it’s probably the comedy, inadvertent or not, it’s probably the comedy.”
“I mean, I get it. You’re just being you, doing what Malo does best and honestly? It’s great. I really enjoy watching your little bits and adventures and seeing what you get up to when you aren’t out there in the ring.”
“But since we’re being honest.”
“I feel like you could be so much more, man. I feel like you’ve got that untapped potential just bubbling beneath the surface of that mask. I feel like, no, frig that, I know that somewhere inside of El Grande Malo is a truly great professional wrestler.”
“So why don’t you ever let him out to play?”
“Why do you keep up this charade of a luchador from the North East? Why do you play into all the stupid ass jokes the boys in the back make? I’ve seen you wrestle, I’ve seen what you can do. You could tear it up with absolutely anybody on this roster, myself included but instead you seem content living in this little comedy corner.”
“Why?”
“What’s holding El Grande Malo back from being great?”
“Are you afraid if you shed the mask and started taking this business more seriously you’d fail? If that’s it, then I totally get it. Everyone is afraid to fail at the thing they love but that doesn’t mean you should be half assing it for a laugh. And since we’re being totally honest with each other like a couple of good friends.”
“You’re half assing it.”
“And I don’t mean that as some sort of insult or jab or a means to get under your skin and gain some sort of mental advantage over you. I don’t need that shit. Maybe 2014 Rob Diamond would be all about slandering the name of El Grande Malo but 2021 Rob Diamond wants to face the absolute best of the best the world has to offer.”
“Which is why I’m not yucking it up on some cruise.”
“I’m here in the IWF, the company where Rob Diamond went from being a comedy act to one of the top performers in the entire world. Which is my way of circling back to you, Malo. Because you could be like me. You could be one of the top performers in the whole goddamn planet. I frigging know it just by seeing the way you move in the ring. You’ve got that potential down inside of you.”
“I know that mask and the comedy offer a certain sense of safety from failure simply because no one ever expects you to do better than you usually do but guess what?”
“I do.”
“I expect better than your usual. I expect better than what you’re comfortable with. I expect the El Grande Malo who commands respect from his opponents. I expect your absolute best and not charade of a performance you put on against Alex Blade.”
“It’s really up to you, Malo.”
“You can either take this match as seriously as I am and pick up a win over a former World Champion and future Hall of Famer or you can half ass it, like you usually do and find yourself in that all to familiar position looking up at the lights. Either way I’m coming into this match as motivated as I’ve ever been. Ready as I’ve been. Driven to work my way back to the top until I’m standing in the ring across the future former World Champion.”
“And if you ain’t down with that then I’ve only got two words for ya…”
“SUCK IT!”
”I could sit here all down running down Malo like he was somehow the absolute wrestler or person in the company and all I’d get for my trouble is him telling me he’s going to beat me in a bad accent.”
“So why waste his and my time?”
“I know some people in the back get off on running people down. It’s like their weird fetish to just cut promo after promo after promo about why everyone in the whole world of wrestling sucks besides them. Personally? I feel like that’s pretty damn lazy. And honestly, if everyone in this company sucked as much as everyone else always says they do then why the hell is anyone even watching us anymore?”
“Feels counter productive now, doesn't it?”
“So Malo, I’m not going to go with my gut reaction to just trash talk you into oblivion. I mean, you’ve been here now forever, so clearly you don't suck. You’ve even won some matches so me claiming you suck would be an outright lie. And lying isn’t my gimmick. I leave that sort of shit up to somebody else.”
“So instead why don’t we talk about something that is productive? You know what I’m saying? Let’s try and make some progress and really get down to the root of why people constantly overlook you when discussing who may or may not be the next breakout star in IWF?”
“It’s probably the comedy.”
“I know, I know, you’re not trying to be funny. Or, at least, that is what you’re constantly trying to tell the people who call you a clown or a comedy act. But we’re being honest with each other here, Malo, I feel a certain level of trust between us, so you can trust when I say it’s probably the comedy, inadvertent or not, it’s probably the comedy.”
“I mean, I get it. You’re just being you, doing what Malo does best and honestly? It’s great. I really enjoy watching your little bits and adventures and seeing what you get up to when you aren’t out there in the ring.”
“But since we’re being honest.”
“I feel like you could be so much more, man. I feel like you’ve got that untapped potential just bubbling beneath the surface of that mask. I feel like, no, frig that, I know that somewhere inside of El Grande Malo is a truly great professional wrestler.”
“So why don’t you ever let him out to play?”
“Why do you keep up this charade of a luchador from the North East? Why do you play into all the stupid ass jokes the boys in the back make? I’ve seen you wrestle, I’ve seen what you can do. You could tear it up with absolutely anybody on this roster, myself included but instead you seem content living in this little comedy corner.”
“Why?”
“What’s holding El Grande Malo back from being great?”
“Are you afraid if you shed the mask and started taking this business more seriously you’d fail? If that’s it, then I totally get it. Everyone is afraid to fail at the thing they love but that doesn’t mean you should be half assing it for a laugh. And since we’re being totally honest with each other like a couple of good friends.”
“You’re half assing it.”
“And I don’t mean that as some sort of insult or jab or a means to get under your skin and gain some sort of mental advantage over you. I don’t need that shit. Maybe 2014 Rob Diamond would be all about slandering the name of El Grande Malo but 2021 Rob Diamond wants to face the absolute best of the best the world has to offer.”
“Which is why I’m not yucking it up on some cruise.”
“I’m here in the IWF, the company where Rob Diamond went from being a comedy act to one of the top performers in the entire world. Which is my way of circling back to you, Malo. Because you could be like me. You could be one of the top performers in the whole goddamn planet. I frigging know it just by seeing the way you move in the ring. You’ve got that potential down inside of you.”
“I know that mask and the comedy offer a certain sense of safety from failure simply because no one ever expects you to do better than you usually do but guess what?”
“I do.”
“I expect better than your usual. I expect better than what you’re comfortable with. I expect the El Grande Malo who commands respect from his opponents. I expect your absolute best and not charade of a performance you put on against Alex Blade.”
“It’s really up to you, Malo.”
“You can either take this match as seriously as I am and pick up a win over a former World Champion and future Hall of Famer or you can half ass it, like you usually do and find yourself in that all to familiar position looking up at the lights. Either way I’m coming into this match as motivated as I’ve ever been. Ready as I’ve been. Driven to work my way back to the top until I’m standing in the ring across the future former World Champion.”
“And if you ain’t down with that then I’ve only got two words for ya…”
“SUCK IT!”
The journey of the uncharacteristically kind Rob Diamond continues as he takes on the fakest luchador this world has ever seen and who’s accent no one is buying into, El Grande Malo!
Will Malo be able to meet the challenge of the ball-less one?
Will Rob Diamond ever get his balls back from Mama Kane?
Where exactly are their kids and how come no one seems to care?
Find out on the next:
BEING A DIAMOND!