Post by Rob Diamond on Oct 5, 2022 21:22:26 GMT
{ Welcome to episode 2, season 1 of a Double Dose of Double Deez! How long will I remember to number these episodes!? It’s anyones guess! I’ll probably forget next week and change the whole format of the show again!
Anyway!
It’s time to get down in the down and dirty of the personal lives of Rob and Chris Diamond. For the sake of drama and drama alone, Chris has moved into the former Spike Kane estate with Rob, his wife, Mama Kane, daughter Hope and son Michael. Chris gets to live in the lavish west wing which also happens to be a nice recreation of the beast’s tower from the Disney animated film, Beauty and the Beast.
Guess who the beast is!?
But that’s just me window dressing the scene for our viewer impaired… viewers out there. We open in the extraordinarily large kitchen of the now re-dubbed Diamond-Kane estate. The whole family is seated at the exact same dinner table from 1989’s Batman. Rob spared no expense tracking it down, cleaning it up and restoring it to it’s former beauty.
An entire battalion of cooks is preparing breakfast as the family awaits. However, this all sort of upsets the Main Man. He’s used to cooking breakfast himself, two raw eggs mixed into a pint of Bitburger. }
”The fuck is this, Rob?”
”Uh, breakfast? Duh!”
”This is fucking ridiculous.”
{ Rob makes that little PFFT noise assholes make when they’re trying to make someone laugh. No one laughs. Even Hope and Michael rolled their eyes. Mama Kane spoke up because she’s about the only reasonable person in the room. }
”Are you two ever going to act like a fucking team?”
{ Nice font color. }
”What are you talking about, Mama? Didn’t you see us kill those jobbers!?”
”We fucked those boys up something serious!”
{ Now Mama joins in on the eyeroll with the children. }
”All I’m saying is it’s been constant bickering since the two of you started living together.”
”So you always got along with your family, didja?”
”I mean, I did stab my brother through the hand once and piss on his grave after he died. Then there was my cousin I sold into sex trafficking to earn a world title shot. And let’s not forget the three times I killed my dad. Fucker just kept coming back to life.”
”Sounds like bickering is the least of our worries.”
”Hell yeah!”
{ The brothers Deez high five in front of Mama’s face from across the table. }
”All I’m saying is, for a team you two don’t really get along that well.”
”I’d say we sure as shit get along better than anyone in the Kane family.”
”Chris never tried to kill me… Like for reals real… There was that one time he dressed as Michael Myers when we were kids and he chased me around the house with a butcher knife but in hindsight I think it was pretty funny.”
”I laughed my goddamn ass off when you pissed yourself!”
”Ha… Yeah… Hilarious…”
{ Rob looks away as the lavish breakfast is being placed before them. It’s all the fixings. A box of Fruity Pebbles for the kids, two eggs over easy for Mama with a side of bacon. Rob gets a full club sandwich topped with an egg and Chris? The Main Man? He gets two raw eggs mixed into a Bitburger, just like home. }
”Alright. I don’t fucking hate this as much as I thought.”
”Awesome! And after this we’ll hit the gym to work on some more of our tag team moves!”
”Sounds good, brother brother!”
”Did you two just bond over how your family is better than my family?”
{ The brothers Deez look at each other and then to Mama. }
”What?”
”No! Fuck no!”
”We’re just bonding over the epic ass kicking we’re going to give Alek Bronson and Mia… Myza… Chris!”
”Bronson and Mitsubishi.”
”That’s their names!”
”Fine… But just remember. I’m a rail road spike enthusiast in my spare time.”
{ The two brother’s promptly go to eating, ignoring the reference only they get and maybe Jake Conway if he’s still watching the show. Anyway! That’s the end of mandatory drama moments on Double Dose of Double Deez! It’s time to move on to our MAIN EVENT! }
{ The foreplay is over! It’s time to take the shlong of this promo out of your mouth and firmly insert it into the orifice of your choice because it’s fucking time! }
”That was needlessly aggressive.”
”Just a little bit.”
{ Oh so I don’t get to try out my own catch phrases? }
”Not if it’s gonna be a horribly offensive sex joke.”
”I don’t even know what woke is and I’m fucking offended.”
{ You’re both assholes. As we transition into the more centered portion of the promo you can see via the graphic above that Double Deez are standing together, ready to give an epic promo before their next tag team match against How two guys who jerk off to anime in Cheshire became friends! }
”Nice!”
”Now that shit was funny.”
{ Introductions are over boys! I’m just here for comical commentary! }
”Let me just kick this whole shindig off with WHEN THE FUCK ARE THEY GOING TO ANNOUNCE A DATE FOR THE LADDER MATCH!?”
{ Soooooooooooooooon. }
”Not good enough! Chris and I are undefeated in tag team action and I think it’s about darn time we got the recognition we deserve for laying waste to the tag team division!”
{ You’ve had two matches. }
”And won them both. I think that’s a lot fucking better than any other tag team in the IWF can say right now. Name me another fucking team who has two consecutive victories?”
{ Like lately? Uhhh… How many matches have Kings of Flight had? }
”Exactly my fucking point! You can’t name a single other team on a hot streak like me and my little brother, Rob! We’ve steam rolled the last two teams we’ve faced and while I’d like to think the Anime Jerk Offs are going to be different? Their recent history leads me to believe this is going to be another squash.”
”And that’s nothing against you guys. I’m sure you’re both equally good in your own right. It’s just, I can’t recall the last time you’ve won a match! That’s not saying that you haven’t, I’m sure you have. I just have undiagnosed adult ADHD and it’s really hard for me to focus on two guys who lay down more often than Ron Jeremy.”
{ Now or like back in the day? }
”Oh that fat dicked mother fucker is still laying pipe on the regular.”
{ Fair enough. }
”The point is! Chris and I have our eyes set on the tag team titles! And we don’t care how many super teams come crawling together. *COUGH ANGEL AND WRAITH COUGH* We are going to walk into that Ladder match whenever it is booked and we are going to climb that ladder and we are going to unbutton those belts and we are going to pull them down and they are going to ring the bell and then Alison Valance is going to declare us the winners of the match and then we are going to climb down off that ladder and we are going to hold those belts up over our heads and then we are going to be celebrated as the new IWF World Tag Team Champions and then we-”
”BREATH!”
”Sorry.”
”Rob was making a point there and a goddamn good one. We’ve got gold on the mind. And we know, as long lived veterans of the sport we aren’t just going to saunter on into that fucking ring and win. We know teams like Hentai Friends are going to come at us with everything they’ve got. We know we are a fucking threat to every other team on this roster. So we know we’ve got a mother fucking target on our backs. That just means we have to work harder, train harder, push ourselves harder than any of you can even imagine so when that ladder match rolls around? You just aren’t ready for the ass fucking we are going to unleash.”
”Even Ron Jeremy will be impressed.”
{ Nice call back. }
”I’m sure you boys are real nice. I’m sure you want to win just as much as anyone else. But let’s just go ahead and be honest with each other, okay? All you’ve done since coming together is show the world how extremely hot Goku would be in real life and that’s just not going to be enough to beat a team made up of two certified bad asses!”
”Who the hell is Goku?”
”He’s like Asian Superman if he had a learning disability.”
”Ah…”
”And honestly I’m glad you two found each other. Bronson was one depressing giant to be around backstage but ever since Microsoft came into his life? Well, he’s still pretty depressing to be around but at least he has someone else to talk to besides Nick Danger.”
”Imagine living in a fucking world where Nick Danger is the most interesting friend you have?”
”I’d straight up kill myself.”
”Robin Williams style.”
{ That’s dark. }
”Look! Rob and I aren’t here to play paddy cake with the other teams in this division! We’re here to fucking win! We represent the mother fucking Work! And I feel like some people have forgotten just how great the Work is! Shelly may not be the World Champion anymore but she’s still the best wrestler ever! And my boy!? Big King! It’s only a matter of time before that big mother fucker holds some singles gold! You better believe that shit!”
”Chris is right! This roster needs some reminding who we are and what we’re about! And while we laugh and have some fun and point out the fact two grown men openly admit to watching Hentai, we are a force to be reckoned with! Chris Diamond is one of the most decorated wrestlers in professional wrestling history! I don’t really care if you’ve heard of everywhere he’s been or everyone he’s defeated! He’s a multi time World Champion in his own right! And so am I! I’m in two hall of fames! I’ve held gold everywhere I have ever been, just like Chris! We are both former tag team champions in this company and we are both one half of arguably the two best teams this company has ever seen!”
”Do the math. That shit makes us the odds on best tag team ever.”
”It sure does!”
”And the thing about us is, we never stop trying to be fucking better. Rob clawed his fucking way from opening act to World Champion in two goddamn companies! Me? I’ve spent the last decade trying to reclaim everything I had back in the 2000’s. And now I’m back. I had a good run with Big King as the Champs but now it’s time to get back up on the saddle and ride again, this time with my little brother by my side. He’s one of the best all around wrestlers in the world today! And me? I’m one of the baddest mother fuckers you will ever step into a ring with. I will hurt you. I will break you. I will even end your career if I absolutely have to. I’m not here to shake dicks and rave about five star matches. I’m here to fucking win. I’m here to be a champion. I’m here to end my career on my terms and that’s standing at the top of the fucking mountain holding a title over my head!”
”And the Anime Orgy Bros is just the next step on that journey for us.”
”A fucking stepping stone is more fucking like it.”
”Good one.”
”Thanks.”
”And if you ain’t down with that then we’ve only got two words for ya.”
”Suck it.”
{ I can’t believe the Main Man said it. I wasn’t expecting that. But I guess it’s hard to replace a good catchphrase. Personally I liked Double Deez fucks with you but hey. I’m just the guy sitting in Rob’s closet back at the estate doing scene description over a video recording. What do I know? Fade to fucking black! }
Anyway!
It’s time to get down in the down and dirty of the personal lives of Rob and Chris Diamond. For the sake of drama and drama alone, Chris has moved into the former Spike Kane estate with Rob, his wife, Mama Kane, daughter Hope and son Michael. Chris gets to live in the lavish west wing which also happens to be a nice recreation of the beast’s tower from the Disney animated film, Beauty and the Beast.
Guess who the beast is!?
But that’s just me window dressing the scene for our viewer impaired… viewers out there. We open in the extraordinarily large kitchen of the now re-dubbed Diamond-Kane estate. The whole family is seated at the exact same dinner table from 1989’s Batman. Rob spared no expense tracking it down, cleaning it up and restoring it to it’s former beauty.
An entire battalion of cooks is preparing breakfast as the family awaits. However, this all sort of upsets the Main Man. He’s used to cooking breakfast himself, two raw eggs mixed into a pint of Bitburger. }
”The fuck is this, Rob?”
”Uh, breakfast? Duh!”
”This is fucking ridiculous.”
{ Rob makes that little PFFT noise assholes make when they’re trying to make someone laugh. No one laughs. Even Hope and Michael rolled their eyes. Mama Kane spoke up because she’s about the only reasonable person in the room. }
”Are you two ever going to act like a fucking team?”
{ Nice font color. }
”What are you talking about, Mama? Didn’t you see us kill those jobbers!?”
”We fucked those boys up something serious!”
{ Now Mama joins in on the eyeroll with the children. }
”All I’m saying is it’s been constant bickering since the two of you started living together.”
”So you always got along with your family, didja?”
”I mean, I did stab my brother through the hand once and piss on his grave after he died. Then there was my cousin I sold into sex trafficking to earn a world title shot. And let’s not forget the three times I killed my dad. Fucker just kept coming back to life.”
”Sounds like bickering is the least of our worries.”
”Hell yeah!”
{ The brothers Deez high five in front of Mama’s face from across the table. }
”All I’m saying is, for a team you two don’t really get along that well.”
”I’d say we sure as shit get along better than anyone in the Kane family.”
”Chris never tried to kill me… Like for reals real… There was that one time he dressed as Michael Myers when we were kids and he chased me around the house with a butcher knife but in hindsight I think it was pretty funny.”
”I laughed my goddamn ass off when you pissed yourself!”
”Ha… Yeah… Hilarious…”
{ Rob looks away as the lavish breakfast is being placed before them. It’s all the fixings. A box of Fruity Pebbles for the kids, two eggs over easy for Mama with a side of bacon. Rob gets a full club sandwich topped with an egg and Chris? The Main Man? He gets two raw eggs mixed into a Bitburger, just like home. }
”Alright. I don’t fucking hate this as much as I thought.”
”Awesome! And after this we’ll hit the gym to work on some more of our tag team moves!”
”Sounds good, brother brother!”
”Did you two just bond over how your family is better than my family?”
{ The brothers Deez look at each other and then to Mama. }
”What?”
”No! Fuck no!”
”We’re just bonding over the epic ass kicking we’re going to give Alek Bronson and Mia… Myza… Chris!”
”Bronson and Mitsubishi.”
”That’s their names!”
”Fine… But just remember. I’m a rail road spike enthusiast in my spare time.”
{ The two brother’s promptly go to eating, ignoring the reference only they get and maybe Jake Conway if he’s still watching the show. Anyway! That’s the end of mandatory drama moments on Double Dose of Double Deez! It’s time to move on to our MAIN EVENT! }
{ The foreplay is over! It’s time to take the shlong of this promo out of your mouth and firmly insert it into the orifice of your choice because it’s fucking time! }
”That was needlessly aggressive.”
”Just a little bit.”
{ Oh so I don’t get to try out my own catch phrases? }
”Not if it’s gonna be a horribly offensive sex joke.”
”I don’t even know what woke is and I’m fucking offended.”
{ You’re both assholes. As we transition into the more centered portion of the promo you can see via the graphic above that Double Deez are standing together, ready to give an epic promo before their next tag team match against How two guys who jerk off to anime in Cheshire became friends! }
”Nice!”
”Now that shit was funny.”
{ Introductions are over boys! I’m just here for comical commentary! }
”Let me just kick this whole shindig off with WHEN THE FUCK ARE THEY GOING TO ANNOUNCE A DATE FOR THE LADDER MATCH!?”
{ Soooooooooooooooon. }
”Not good enough! Chris and I are undefeated in tag team action and I think it’s about darn time we got the recognition we deserve for laying waste to the tag team division!”
{ You’ve had two matches. }
”And won them both. I think that’s a lot fucking better than any other tag team in the IWF can say right now. Name me another fucking team who has two consecutive victories?”
{ Like lately? Uhhh… How many matches have Kings of Flight had? }
”Exactly my fucking point! You can’t name a single other team on a hot streak like me and my little brother, Rob! We’ve steam rolled the last two teams we’ve faced and while I’d like to think the Anime Jerk Offs are going to be different? Their recent history leads me to believe this is going to be another squash.”
”And that’s nothing against you guys. I’m sure you’re both equally good in your own right. It’s just, I can’t recall the last time you’ve won a match! That’s not saying that you haven’t, I’m sure you have. I just have undiagnosed adult ADHD and it’s really hard for me to focus on two guys who lay down more often than Ron Jeremy.”
{ Now or like back in the day? }
”Oh that fat dicked mother fucker is still laying pipe on the regular.”
{ Fair enough. }
”The point is! Chris and I have our eyes set on the tag team titles! And we don’t care how many super teams come crawling together. *COUGH ANGEL AND WRAITH COUGH* We are going to walk into that Ladder match whenever it is booked and we are going to climb that ladder and we are going to unbutton those belts and we are going to pull them down and they are going to ring the bell and then Alison Valance is going to declare us the winners of the match and then we are going to climb down off that ladder and we are going to hold those belts up over our heads and then we are going to be celebrated as the new IWF World Tag Team Champions and then we-”
”BREATH!”
”Sorry.”
”Rob was making a point there and a goddamn good one. We’ve got gold on the mind. And we know, as long lived veterans of the sport we aren’t just going to saunter on into that fucking ring and win. We know teams like Hentai Friends are going to come at us with everything they’ve got. We know we are a fucking threat to every other team on this roster. So we know we’ve got a mother fucking target on our backs. That just means we have to work harder, train harder, push ourselves harder than any of you can even imagine so when that ladder match rolls around? You just aren’t ready for the ass fucking we are going to unleash.”
”Even Ron Jeremy will be impressed.”
{ Nice call back. }
”I’m sure you boys are real nice. I’m sure you want to win just as much as anyone else. But let’s just go ahead and be honest with each other, okay? All you’ve done since coming together is show the world how extremely hot Goku would be in real life and that’s just not going to be enough to beat a team made up of two certified bad asses!”
”Who the hell is Goku?”
”He’s like Asian Superman if he had a learning disability.”
”Ah…”
”And honestly I’m glad you two found each other. Bronson was one depressing giant to be around backstage but ever since Microsoft came into his life? Well, he’s still pretty depressing to be around but at least he has someone else to talk to besides Nick Danger.”
”Imagine living in a fucking world where Nick Danger is the most interesting friend you have?”
”I’d straight up kill myself.”
”Robin Williams style.”
{ That’s dark. }
”Look! Rob and I aren’t here to play paddy cake with the other teams in this division! We’re here to fucking win! We represent the mother fucking Work! And I feel like some people have forgotten just how great the Work is! Shelly may not be the World Champion anymore but she’s still the best wrestler ever! And my boy!? Big King! It’s only a matter of time before that big mother fucker holds some singles gold! You better believe that shit!”
”Chris is right! This roster needs some reminding who we are and what we’re about! And while we laugh and have some fun and point out the fact two grown men openly admit to watching Hentai, we are a force to be reckoned with! Chris Diamond is one of the most decorated wrestlers in professional wrestling history! I don’t really care if you’ve heard of everywhere he’s been or everyone he’s defeated! He’s a multi time World Champion in his own right! And so am I! I’m in two hall of fames! I’ve held gold everywhere I have ever been, just like Chris! We are both former tag team champions in this company and we are both one half of arguably the two best teams this company has ever seen!”
”Do the math. That shit makes us the odds on best tag team ever.”
”It sure does!”
”And the thing about us is, we never stop trying to be fucking better. Rob clawed his fucking way from opening act to World Champion in two goddamn companies! Me? I’ve spent the last decade trying to reclaim everything I had back in the 2000’s. And now I’m back. I had a good run with Big King as the Champs but now it’s time to get back up on the saddle and ride again, this time with my little brother by my side. He’s one of the best all around wrestlers in the world today! And me? I’m one of the baddest mother fuckers you will ever step into a ring with. I will hurt you. I will break you. I will even end your career if I absolutely have to. I’m not here to shake dicks and rave about five star matches. I’m here to fucking win. I’m here to be a champion. I’m here to end my career on my terms and that’s standing at the top of the fucking mountain holding a title over my head!”
”And the Anime Orgy Bros is just the next step on that journey for us.”
”A fucking stepping stone is more fucking like it.”
”Good one.”
”Thanks.”
”And if you ain’t down with that then we’ve only got two words for ya.”
”Suck it.”
{ I can’t believe the Main Man said it. I wasn’t expecting that. But I guess it’s hard to replace a good catchphrase. Personally I liked Double Deez fucks with you but hey. I’m just the guy sitting in Rob’s closet back at the estate doing scene description over a video recording. What do I know? Fade to fucking black! }
Well howdy there pardner.