Post by Rob Diamond on Oct 19, 2022 23:03:40 GMT
{ Welcome to episode 3, season 1 of a Double Dose of Double Deez! That’s right they/them/he/her and anyone who counts themselves in between! I’ve managed to remember something three straight promos in a row!
It’s a Halloween miracle!
Praise be the Pumpkin King!
Even though I hate that movie and think it’s over rated. That’s right. Fight me.
We are back! More specifically, I’m back to describe more scenes for the visually impaired fans out there! Now Rob and Chris have been on a major roll since debuting as a tag team! So much so that the IWF has saw fit to give them a tag team title shot in only their fourth official match together!
As well as every other team on the roster but don’t tell them that.
Now we find our griseled hero and his mentally inept younger brother seated in one of those large booths at the local iHop. With them, as always is Mama Kane, Hope Diamond and little Michael who is currently enjoying his House of Mouse shaped pancake with both of his hands. }
”I love this place!”
”I hate this place.”
{ Mama rolled her eyes as Rob looked upset by the remark. The Main Man reached out with his fork to scoop up another pancake from the stack seated in the middle of the table. }
”Well for someone who hates this place so much, you’re sure taking your fair share of the never ending pancakes.”
”One. I’m carbing up before out big match. Two. I’m going to put that sales pitch to the fucking test. How many of these cakes you think I can guzzle down before they ask me to stop?”
”Not as many as me!”
{ Rob says as he also scoops up another pancake and piles it onto his already rather large stack. The Main Man devours the one on his plate in four bites or less before grabbing another. Rob is only two bites in on what has to be five pancakes on top of each other when he also grabs another one. }
”Are you challenging me?”
”Are you challenging me?”
”No. I’m simply enjoying this cheap breakfast you’ve invited me out to.”
”Well so am I. And it wasn’t cheap. You should know. You’re paying for it.”
{ Rob pulls from his pocket a Visa card that reads “Main Man” on it. }
”Jokes on you, limp dick, that shit is maxed out.”
”Limp dick!”
{ Michael yells from his high chair as everyone in the iHop turns with a judgmental glare. }
”Is everything a dick measuring contest with you two!?”
”Limp dick! Limp dick! Limp dick!”
{ Hope moves from her seat to cover up little Michael’s mouth as Mama Kane looks from Diamond to Diamond. }
”He started it.”
”Says the guy who can’t even finish a short stack.”
”I can finish it!”
”That’s it!”
{ Mama reaches out now and takes both of their plates away. }
”I don’t care who started it. I’m finishing it! Chris, you brought your own car, take Rob and settle this shit!”
”Shit!”
{ Little Michael yells the second Hope takes her hand away. }
”Jesus Christ…”
{ The Main Man and his little brother take their leave. The two of them meeting up behind Chris’ car, a 1996 blood red Geo Tracker with a 4 inch lift. }
”Good plan.”
”The best. Now neither of us have to pay.”
{ The two brothers fist bump after pulling off a well planned out… Plan. They both hop into the last vehicle I would expect Chris to own as we get a close up window side shot. }
”Wrecking Crew ain’t got nothing on team work like that.”
”I was wondering why you invited the camera crew.”
”That’s my secret, bro, I’ve always got a camera crew.”
”Right… Time to roll the fuck out of here!”
{ The brothers head off to their next adventure, Chris’ Geo Tracker is needlessly loud with it’s after market exhaust and it’s apparently burning oil as he shoots a huge cloud of smoke at a family with two children as they pass behind him as he pulls out of the parking lot. I’d say he should get that looked at but honestly? Just dump that piece of shit truck. Anyway! That was our mandatory moment of behind the scenes fun! It’s time for the promo! }
”HEY! HEY!”
{ It’s promo time baby which means we are dead center and ready to unload! }
”That shit doesn’t make sense.”
{ To you. }
”So we’ve got the hottest, newest and did I say hottest tag team in the IWF this week! I’ve got to tell ya’ll the truth here. I’ve had a pretty rock solid chub since this card dropped!”
”That may also be due to the Blue Chew sponsorship.”
”You never shit where you eat, big brother. Except at home… Or if you’re at a show… Or a Chipotle… Besides those three things! NEVER!”
”Despite the total butchering of that analogy and the fact I’ve seen you pop Blue Chew like they were Pop Rocks, I’m with you. Always blow up some other poor assholes bathroom. Always.”
{ Especially if they got that good TP. }
”One hundo.”
”Especially.”
”But we aren’t here to talk about shitting or eating or which restaurant is good to go to with the whole family! This promo isn’t sponsored by iHop!”
{ You sure? }
”I have some serious doubts.”
”We’re here to talk about the two sexiest men on earth since that time I cloned Jake Conway and tried to convince the original Jake Conway to have sex with the clone Jake Conway so they would create the ULTIMATE JAKE CONWAY!”
”Did it work?”
”No. Turns out Jake is straight as an arrow.”
”I figured he’d jump at the chance to suck his own dick!”
{ ZING!!!! }
”You know he’s gonna text me now, right?”
”That was the point.”
”Genius!”
”Which brings us back to the point of this promo! The Wrecking Crew!”
”Now we all know Chris and I are the biggest and baddest and honestly the bestest heels the professional wrestling world has ever known. We’re even better than that toddler who spammed the IWF website with big black dicks like we weren’t already into that shit.”
”It’s no secret the IWF locker room enjoys a solid dick pick.”
”You should see our Discord. Dick picks as far as the eye can see. Black. White. Asian. Even this one dude with an Australian choad, thing looks like red grape sitting on one of those vending machine slinkies. It’s cute!”
”I hate that guy.”
”You hate everyone.”
{ Facts. }
”But like I was saying! As the top heels in the history of the multiverse it would be right in our wheel house to just degrade and shit all over our opponents this week.”
”Heel one oh one. Just act like you’ve never heard of the mother fuckers you’re facing. But that would be lying. We know all about the Wrecking Crew. David Counsell and Dante Alcott, two of the best goddamn tag team wrestlers I’ve had the privilege to witness.”
”Seriously. I watched every match you guys have on youtube, and it’s alot, I’m not going after that low hanging fruit. You two move out there like you’re one organism. Every move you make is in preparation for what your partner is going to do next. You’re a tag team’s tag team if there ever was such a thing.”
”And that is what excites the fuck out of me.”
”I’m mostly aroused by your physique but the idea of facing a good team doesn’t hurt.”
{ It really doesn’t. Let’s be honest. }
”Rob and I, we know we are at a little bit of a disadvantage against you two. We’re man enough to admit it. We may be brothers, we may have over forty years of combined in ring experience, we may have wrestled more combined matches than any other team on this roster BUT!”
”It’s a phat butt.”
”But you two have been a full fledged team longer than us. Rob and I are fairly new at this whole working together thing. You throw me at you with Big King by my fucking side and I wouldn’t even give you two the time of day. Fuck, I wouldn’t piss in your throat if you were dying of thirst.”
{ I heard that somewhere recently. }
”But the fact it’s me and Rob? I give you boys a solid shot at winning this match. Rob and I don’t have our tandem offense down, we don’t have our timing down, hell, we don’t even agree on what to watch most of the time let alone who gets to start or finish a match.”
”Thanks bro, you’re really filling me with confidence right now.”
”It’s what I do.”
”I think what my brother was getting around to saying is, we ain’t taking you two lightly. This isn’t gonna be some enhancement match for us. We aren’t gonna just make a bunch of fucking jokes at your expense. We know this is gonna be a hard fought battle between two top level teams. Ya’ll got here because you’re good enough to be here. And we’ve been on a little bit of streak. This is gonna be a fight!”
”A goddamn good one two! Your styles line right up with mine and I’m looking forward to seeing what those muscles can do.”
”In and out of the ring! And while Chris is the power forward of the team, I’m the kicker, coming in looking to plant my foot between your field goals the second the referee isn’t looking!”
{ I think he’s confusing two very different sports… But I’m not a sports guy. }
”Rob’s right. End of the day we’re the bad guys here. And we’re goddamn proud of it!”
”I know your cute little bios say you think you’re a couple of badasses but we’re a pair of card carrying villains!”
”That tag team ladder match is just around the corner and we want all the momentum we can get walking into that thing.”
”Meaning we will happily do whatever it takes to keep the wins coming in. We aren’t fussed with whether you walk out or are carried out of the arena after the match. Only thing that matters to us is that our hands our raised!”
”I care a little bit. I’m a sucker for a good blood bath and IWF has gone mayhem free for far too goddamn long.”
”Tis the Halloween season. Maybe we should treat the crowd to a real horror show then.”
”I think that’s just what the ratings doctor ordered.”
”So it’s settled! Consider this your casting call for Terrifier 3 because we are going to cut you bitches up!”
”Do yourselves a favor and don’t go making this wrestling match a murder. Or do. It’s been a minute since my trusty baseball bat tasted blood and SHE’S THIRSTY!”
{ I’ve heard that somewhere before too. }
”And if you ain’t down with that then we’ve only got two words for ya!”
”Fuck you.”
”Oh… I think we got it.”
”Yeah?”
”Yeah, that’s the one getting printed on the shirts.”
{ The brothers known as Double Deez hit a sick fist bump and we FADE TO FUCKING BLACK! }
It’s a Halloween miracle!
Praise be the Pumpkin King!
Even though I hate that movie and think it’s over rated. That’s right. Fight me.
We are back! More specifically, I’m back to describe more scenes for the visually impaired fans out there! Now Rob and Chris have been on a major roll since debuting as a tag team! So much so that the IWF has saw fit to give them a tag team title shot in only their fourth official match together!
As well as every other team on the roster but don’t tell them that.
Now we find our griseled hero and his mentally inept younger brother seated in one of those large booths at the local iHop. With them, as always is Mama Kane, Hope Diamond and little Michael who is currently enjoying his House of Mouse shaped pancake with both of his hands. }
”I love this place!”
”I hate this place.”
{ Mama rolled her eyes as Rob looked upset by the remark. The Main Man reached out with his fork to scoop up another pancake from the stack seated in the middle of the table. }
”Well for someone who hates this place so much, you’re sure taking your fair share of the never ending pancakes.”
”One. I’m carbing up before out big match. Two. I’m going to put that sales pitch to the fucking test. How many of these cakes you think I can guzzle down before they ask me to stop?”
”Not as many as me!”
{ Rob says as he also scoops up another pancake and piles it onto his already rather large stack. The Main Man devours the one on his plate in four bites or less before grabbing another. Rob is only two bites in on what has to be five pancakes on top of each other when he also grabs another one. }
”Are you challenging me?”
”Are you challenging me?”
”No. I’m simply enjoying this cheap breakfast you’ve invited me out to.”
”Well so am I. And it wasn’t cheap. You should know. You’re paying for it.”
{ Rob pulls from his pocket a Visa card that reads “Main Man” on it. }
”Jokes on you, limp dick, that shit is maxed out.”
”Limp dick!”
{ Michael yells from his high chair as everyone in the iHop turns with a judgmental glare. }
”Is everything a dick measuring contest with you two!?”
”Limp dick! Limp dick! Limp dick!”
{ Hope moves from her seat to cover up little Michael’s mouth as Mama Kane looks from Diamond to Diamond. }
”He started it.”
”Says the guy who can’t even finish a short stack.”
”I can finish it!”
”That’s it!”
{ Mama reaches out now and takes both of their plates away. }
”I don’t care who started it. I’m finishing it! Chris, you brought your own car, take Rob and settle this shit!”
”Shit!”
{ Little Michael yells the second Hope takes her hand away. }
”Jesus Christ…”
{ The Main Man and his little brother take their leave. The two of them meeting up behind Chris’ car, a 1996 blood red Geo Tracker with a 4 inch lift. }
”Good plan.”
”The best. Now neither of us have to pay.”
{ The two brothers fist bump after pulling off a well planned out… Plan. They both hop into the last vehicle I would expect Chris to own as we get a close up window side shot. }
”Wrecking Crew ain’t got nothing on team work like that.”
”I was wondering why you invited the camera crew.”
”That’s my secret, bro, I’ve always got a camera crew.”
”Right… Time to roll the fuck out of here!”
{ The brothers head off to their next adventure, Chris’ Geo Tracker is needlessly loud with it’s after market exhaust and it’s apparently burning oil as he shoots a huge cloud of smoke at a family with two children as they pass behind him as he pulls out of the parking lot. I’d say he should get that looked at but honestly? Just dump that piece of shit truck. Anyway! That was our mandatory moment of behind the scenes fun! It’s time for the promo! }
”HEY! HEY!”
{ It’s promo time baby which means we are dead center and ready to unload! }
”That shit doesn’t make sense.”
{ To you. }
”So we’ve got the hottest, newest and did I say hottest tag team in the IWF this week! I’ve got to tell ya’ll the truth here. I’ve had a pretty rock solid chub since this card dropped!”
”That may also be due to the Blue Chew sponsorship.”
”You never shit where you eat, big brother. Except at home… Or if you’re at a show… Or a Chipotle… Besides those three things! NEVER!”
”Despite the total butchering of that analogy and the fact I’ve seen you pop Blue Chew like they were Pop Rocks, I’m with you. Always blow up some other poor assholes bathroom. Always.”
{ Especially if they got that good TP. }
”One hundo.”
”Especially.”
”But we aren’t here to talk about shitting or eating or which restaurant is good to go to with the whole family! This promo isn’t sponsored by iHop!”
{ You sure? }
”I have some serious doubts.”
”We’re here to talk about the two sexiest men on earth since that time I cloned Jake Conway and tried to convince the original Jake Conway to have sex with the clone Jake Conway so they would create the ULTIMATE JAKE CONWAY!”
”Did it work?”
”No. Turns out Jake is straight as an arrow.”
”I figured he’d jump at the chance to suck his own dick!”
{ ZING!!!! }
”You know he’s gonna text me now, right?”
”That was the point.”
”Genius!”
”Which brings us back to the point of this promo! The Wrecking Crew!”
”Now we all know Chris and I are the biggest and baddest and honestly the bestest heels the professional wrestling world has ever known. We’re even better than that toddler who spammed the IWF website with big black dicks like we weren’t already into that shit.”
”It’s no secret the IWF locker room enjoys a solid dick pick.”
”You should see our Discord. Dick picks as far as the eye can see. Black. White. Asian. Even this one dude with an Australian choad, thing looks like red grape sitting on one of those vending machine slinkies. It’s cute!”
”I hate that guy.”
”You hate everyone.”
{ Facts. }
”But like I was saying! As the top heels in the history of the multiverse it would be right in our wheel house to just degrade and shit all over our opponents this week.”
”Heel one oh one. Just act like you’ve never heard of the mother fuckers you’re facing. But that would be lying. We know all about the Wrecking Crew. David Counsell and Dante Alcott, two of the best goddamn tag team wrestlers I’ve had the privilege to witness.”
”Seriously. I watched every match you guys have on youtube, and it’s alot, I’m not going after that low hanging fruit. You two move out there like you’re one organism. Every move you make is in preparation for what your partner is going to do next. You’re a tag team’s tag team if there ever was such a thing.”
”And that is what excites the fuck out of me.”
”I’m mostly aroused by your physique but the idea of facing a good team doesn’t hurt.”
{ It really doesn’t. Let’s be honest. }
”Rob and I, we know we are at a little bit of a disadvantage against you two. We’re man enough to admit it. We may be brothers, we may have over forty years of combined in ring experience, we may have wrestled more combined matches than any other team on this roster BUT!”
”It’s a phat butt.”
”But you two have been a full fledged team longer than us. Rob and I are fairly new at this whole working together thing. You throw me at you with Big King by my fucking side and I wouldn’t even give you two the time of day. Fuck, I wouldn’t piss in your throat if you were dying of thirst.”
{ I heard that somewhere recently. }
”But the fact it’s me and Rob? I give you boys a solid shot at winning this match. Rob and I don’t have our tandem offense down, we don’t have our timing down, hell, we don’t even agree on what to watch most of the time let alone who gets to start or finish a match.”
”Thanks bro, you’re really filling me with confidence right now.”
”It’s what I do.”
”I think what my brother was getting around to saying is, we ain’t taking you two lightly. This isn’t gonna be some enhancement match for us. We aren’t gonna just make a bunch of fucking jokes at your expense. We know this is gonna be a hard fought battle between two top level teams. Ya’ll got here because you’re good enough to be here. And we’ve been on a little bit of streak. This is gonna be a fight!”
”A goddamn good one two! Your styles line right up with mine and I’m looking forward to seeing what those muscles can do.”
”In and out of the ring! And while Chris is the power forward of the team, I’m the kicker, coming in looking to plant my foot between your field goals the second the referee isn’t looking!”
{ I think he’s confusing two very different sports… But I’m not a sports guy. }
”Rob’s right. End of the day we’re the bad guys here. And we’re goddamn proud of it!”
”I know your cute little bios say you think you’re a couple of badasses but we’re a pair of card carrying villains!”
”That tag team ladder match is just around the corner and we want all the momentum we can get walking into that thing.”
”Meaning we will happily do whatever it takes to keep the wins coming in. We aren’t fussed with whether you walk out or are carried out of the arena after the match. Only thing that matters to us is that our hands our raised!”
”I care a little bit. I’m a sucker for a good blood bath and IWF has gone mayhem free for far too goddamn long.”
”Tis the Halloween season. Maybe we should treat the crowd to a real horror show then.”
”I think that’s just what the ratings doctor ordered.”
”So it’s settled! Consider this your casting call for Terrifier 3 because we are going to cut you bitches up!”
”Do yourselves a favor and don’t go making this wrestling match a murder. Or do. It’s been a minute since my trusty baseball bat tasted blood and SHE’S THIRSTY!”
{ I’ve heard that somewhere before too. }
”And if you ain’t down with that then we’ve only got two words for ya!”
”Fuck you.”
”Oh… I think we got it.”
”Yeah?”
”Yeah, that’s the one getting printed on the shirts.”
{ The brothers known as Double Deez hit a sick fist bump and we FADE TO FUCKING BLACK! }
Well howdy there pardner.