Post by Dean Harper on Feb 23, 2023 0:58:11 GMT
There was a time.
There was a time when I felt like there was nothing. Abusive childhood and mediocre young adulthood. There was a time when people said I was nothing. That I was a lackey. That I was nothing but Rowan's strong arm in the men's division. And I accepted that. I accepted that because it felt right. What more then I need to be? she was my mother, my god, my beginning and my end. So what if I was the honeypot of her empire? So what if I was the attack dog?
I was hers. And that's what mattered.
Then I wasn't. I was on my own and it...It was a short lived experiment. But I was not used to leading myself. I showed mercy to those whop didn't deserve it. I held back because I cared about what people thought of me. I was weak and confused.
Then I was a member of the Power's that be. Then I was a corporates baptized jack boot. I put down who needed to be put down for the good of the company. And it was good. I backed my father's play. Because with out Rowan, I wanted...I needed someone with a strong hand to show me the way. I felt like a weapon and I needed approval to do literally anything else. I needed and I wanted him to love me as much as I loved and adored him.
And I got injured. I'd been injured before, but this was different. I actually had to deal with myself in my time away. No unconsciousness to give me a break this time. fully and securely in my own broken shell. And I hated every single moment of it.
I got to spend time with my husband and my son. Which was great. Damien enjoyed the focus of attention this road bump gave me. We started spending more and more time together. I was reminded of one of the last conversations Maxine and I had. She told me...made me promise that Damien would always have what we had to fight for.
Family.
The Pack had felt like family until i had someone I carried more about then the mission. Powers that Be felt like family until it was over. And my father's home, hadn't it? I was included in a lot of the mixed family activities. I was welcome. I was loved. But I still felt...felt like I had to earn it?
Why did I feel I had to earn it? I mean, it's obviously my own messed up brain right? It's obviously a trauma response. It's not like he would ever replace me with a new child or a new son. It's not like he stopped loving me once I stopped being useful. So why do i hear these things in my head? So how do I shut it up? How do I shut up the voices that still tell me I'm nothing and I'm worthless?
I mean I should be able to look at my record the same way I should be able to look at my father and know he loves me. I've held the world title multiple times. I made history. I got to the hall of fame. I did everything that one could usually desire from this business. All those people who told me what I couldn't do? All those fuckers who put me down? The very men who tried whined and complained they couldn't handle I was doing as well as I was? Where did they go? Some other fed to hide and whine, somewhere I wouldn't bother looking. Somewhere they could say to a bunch no ones that I didn't earn every match I've ever had. That I got special treatment when I've worked harder then most of them.
How do I shut up the voices?
Clearly it comes from beating my father in the center of the ring without holding anything back.
And while I am trying to be patient with the shot at the tag team titles... that doesn't really count, does it? No. No, I need to face my father. I need to face my father for the one thing I know he holds dear. I need to face him for the World title.
And the easiest way to get a chance to face him for the world title is to win the roulette. No comments about me not earning it. No whispered doubts.
Then I earned it. And I'll put the doubt to bed.
Dean looked at Damien who was just out of earshot playing with a Bluey stuffed animal knocking over towers of blocks before looking back at the younger doctor who clearly did know who he was despite Warren promising this clinic would be low key.
"No, it never occurred to me." Dean responded after a very long moment.
"Never?" She pressed.
"Never. I mean, yeah. He's not always great at socializing with people or even kids his own age. Gets a little focused on stuff I guess. He likes organizing his toys by size and shape. Hates sweaters. But he's not like solving pi or acting like a quirky kids character from a movie."
"Your partner agreed to the testing. I'm surprised he didn't mention it to you."
"Husband." Dean corrected. "And he did. I just said no."
"Oh."
"It's something I'll talk to him about, not you."
"...If I can ask..."
"I'm not a nut-job who thinks vaccines caused this. I got him vaccinated because I wanted him to stay alive. I just didn't like the implication there was something wrong with him."
"Technically, there isn't anything wrong with him. He's happy and healthy. He just thinks a little differently then the rest of us."
"But things are going to be difficult for him."
"It's... it's not like it used to be. There's a lot more acceptance out there-"
Dean heard the doctor keep talking but none of it seemed to matter.
There was a time when I felt like there was nothing. Abusive childhood and mediocre young adulthood. There was a time when people said I was nothing. That I was a lackey. That I was nothing but Rowan's strong arm in the men's division. And I accepted that. I accepted that because it felt right. What more then I need to be? she was my mother, my god, my beginning and my end. So what if I was the honeypot of her empire? So what if I was the attack dog?
I was hers. And that's what mattered.
Then I wasn't. I was on my own and it...It was a short lived experiment. But I was not used to leading myself. I showed mercy to those whop didn't deserve it. I held back because I cared about what people thought of me. I was weak and confused.
Then I was a member of the Power's that be. Then I was a corporates baptized jack boot. I put down who needed to be put down for the good of the company. And it was good. I backed my father's play. Because with out Rowan, I wanted...I needed someone with a strong hand to show me the way. I felt like a weapon and I needed approval to do literally anything else. I needed and I wanted him to love me as much as I loved and adored him.
And I got injured. I'd been injured before, but this was different. I actually had to deal with myself in my time away. No unconsciousness to give me a break this time. fully and securely in my own broken shell. And I hated every single moment of it.
I got to spend time with my husband and my son. Which was great. Damien enjoyed the focus of attention this road bump gave me. We started spending more and more time together. I was reminded of one of the last conversations Maxine and I had. She told me...made me promise that Damien would always have what we had to fight for.
Family.
The Pack had felt like family until i had someone I carried more about then the mission. Powers that Be felt like family until it was over. And my father's home, hadn't it? I was included in a lot of the mixed family activities. I was welcome. I was loved. But I still felt...felt like I had to earn it?
Why did I feel I had to earn it? I mean, it's obviously my own messed up brain right? It's obviously a trauma response. It's not like he would ever replace me with a new child or a new son. It's not like he stopped loving me once I stopped being useful. So why do i hear these things in my head? So how do I shut it up? How do I shut up the voices that still tell me I'm nothing and I'm worthless?
I mean I should be able to look at my record the same way I should be able to look at my father and know he loves me. I've held the world title multiple times. I made history. I got to the hall of fame. I did everything that one could usually desire from this business. All those people who told me what I couldn't do? All those fuckers who put me down? The very men who tried whined and complained they couldn't handle I was doing as well as I was? Where did they go? Some other fed to hide and whine, somewhere I wouldn't bother looking. Somewhere they could say to a bunch no ones that I didn't earn every match I've ever had. That I got special treatment when I've worked harder then most of them.
How do I shut up the voices?
Clearly it comes from beating my father in the center of the ring without holding anything back.
And while I am trying to be patient with the shot at the tag team titles... that doesn't really count, does it? No. No, I need to face my father. I need to face my father for the one thing I know he holds dear. I need to face him for the World title.
And the easiest way to get a chance to face him for the world title is to win the roulette. No comments about me not earning it. No whispered doubts.
Then I earned it. And I'll put the doubt to bed.
Dean looked at Damien who was just out of earshot playing with a Bluey stuffed animal knocking over towers of blocks before looking back at the younger doctor who clearly did know who he was despite Warren promising this clinic would be low key.
"No, it never occurred to me." Dean responded after a very long moment.
"Never?" She pressed.
"Never. I mean, yeah. He's not always great at socializing with people or even kids his own age. Gets a little focused on stuff I guess. He likes organizing his toys by size and shape. Hates sweaters. But he's not like solving pi or acting like a quirky kids character from a movie."
"Your partner agreed to the testing. I'm surprised he didn't mention it to you."
"Husband." Dean corrected. "And he did. I just said no."
"Oh."
"It's something I'll talk to him about, not you."
"...If I can ask..."
"I'm not a nut-job who thinks vaccines caused this. I got him vaccinated because I wanted him to stay alive. I just didn't like the implication there was something wrong with him."
"Technically, there isn't anything wrong with him. He's happy and healthy. He just thinks a little differently then the rest of us."
"But things are going to be difficult for him."
"It's... it's not like it used to be. There's a lot more acceptance out there-"
Dean heard the doctor keep talking but none of it seemed to matter.
Well howdy there pardner.