Post by Allen and Ollie and Raccoon on May 4, 2023 2:14:58 GMT
'THE COMEDIAN' ALLEN CHANEY
Pilot Season
“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.”
Pilot Season
“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.”
-George Carlin
ALLEN CHANEY: ‘You got anything for Pilot season?’
Allen is out for a walk in Kansas City, near Union Station where the mess from the NFL Draft is still being cleaned up. No real reason or metaphor behind it, just seemed like it’d make for a cool place to film. Not everything has to be that deep.
ALLEN CHANEY: That’s what my manager asked me today. For those who don’t know what Pilot Season is, it’s how I as a writer became conditioned by years of failure only to find success and then even worse failure and all of it took an insane amount of luck and I still ultimately failed but in a way that made me stronger and lead to eventual success. I know where I’m going with this and I promise it isn’t as negative as I’m making it sound. Stick with me on this.
A pause for breath.
ALLEN CHANEY: An average of 500 tv show pitches are made every summer. Fully formed pitches by people who for the most part believe that their idea is gonna be their big break. Of those 500 pitches about 30-50 of them are going to be ordered to a pilot. That means you’ve got a cast and a crew and a set and you make one single episode of your show to show network executives who have no fucking clue what makes for a good show. In 1991 a pilot called ‘Lookwell’ written by Conan O’Brien and starring Adam West was turned down and it’s one of the funniest things ever made but everyone was looking for the next ‘Full House’ and like….gross.
Allen shakes his head at the thought of Full House getting multiple seasons when Lookwell didn’t even get one.
ALLEN CHANEY: ….anyway, the point I was trying to get to is that of all of those pilots…maybe 5 get picked up to full series. The ones that don’t make it serving as testaments to untapped potential. Some people give up… but the smart ones show up at the next pilot season with a new idea or the same idea only tweaked a little bit and brace themselves for failure again… and maybe one day they find success. Maybe they never do. Maybe they end up working under other people and their dream has to go away but I will never be as impressed by the people who just managed to somehow find instant success as I am with people who have had the shit beaten out of them and just kept getting up and trying again.
Allen mimics the act of dusting himself off.
ALLEN CHANEY: So, RAM. Do I just call you Ram? I’m not gonna lie, Ram… I had a whole thing planned around Ram Ranch but then I told like 4 people I was gonna do a bit related to Ram Ranch and 3 of them didn’t know what Ram Ranch was and the fourth person was like ‘That’s a terrible idea’ so instead I’m just gonna bring up Ram Ranch in the hopes that curious people look into it and either ruins their day or brightens their whole life like it has mine. None of this is important.
Allen waves his hand as if to suggest we are moving on.
ALLEN CHANEY: From what I’ve been able to see, RAM is a little frustrated with how things have been going for them lately and seem to be letting it get to them. To me that reeks of someone who hasn’t learned how to adapt to failure yet. You’re in the lashing out stage. You did all the training, you put in the work, so it can’t be YOUR fault you keep coming up short, right?
A pause.
ALLEN CHANEY: Right?
This pause is a little more pointed.
ALLEN CHANEY: Well that’s what Pilot season taught me. No matter how prepared or unique you think you are…. No matter how bad you want it…. There are hundreds of people out there who want it just as bad or worse and even THEY are going to fail. Because for every pilot that gets picked up and finds success, so many more have to fail. It sucks that’s how it has to work out but the real bitch of it is you go into it the first time with faith that it’s just gonna work out for you.
Hoo boy this is kinda a labored metaphor.
ALLEN CHANEY: You have faith that this is where things get turned around for you. You let Matt Knox get under your skin and you got beat but now it’s time to turn this thing around… I’m sure you’ll make that turnaround some day my guy but… May 5th 2023 is not gonna be that day. So let me make a few things clear right now…
A throat clear.
ALLEN CHANEY: For starters, because I’m certain our paths will cross eventually, elitist dick Matt Knox and whatever opinion he has of me and what I do can find and kiss the fattest part of my ass. That’s less a shot at him and more a shot at the kind of ego this industry seems to keep breeding in general and yes I know I mentioned ‘breeding’ and ‘Knox’ in the same sentence which I guess is appropriate because the two things Knox can’t seem to understand are humility and how condoms work. Quoth the Raven: Wrap that dick.
Educational!
ALLEN CHANEY: I’ve been dealing with self-important fevered egos telling me ‘YOU CALL YOURSELF A COMEDIAN BUT YOU AREN’T FUNNY YOU ARE FAT I AM VERY CLEVER’ for a decade now and most of them aren’t around anymore. I still am. The great thing about living with anxiety and depression is that with very few exceptions you can’t say anything to me that I haven’t already thought about myself? Not funny? Sometimes I think I’m not funny but I still get booked for comedy shows so like…
Allen shrugs.
ALLEN CHANEY: Too fat? Yeah maybe I could lay off the cake but 300 pounds moonsaulting on top of you is hard to kick out of so….
Another shrug.
ALLEN CHANEY: Too ugly and dating a woman who is waaaaaaay out of his league? Dude, like probably but so long as both of us are happy I’m not questioning it. The point is that if you let people get under your skin for shit you can’t control then you’ve already surrendered a piece of yourself to them. Every once in a while people try to make the point that ‘none of the talk matters, what matters is what happens in the ring’ and like, that misses the point. I’m confident in my ability to beat someone up… but I’m equally confident that if I wanted to? I could really be digging into RAM about what Mike said and I’d have a part of him beaten before the opening bell even rang…. But I’m not interested in doing that or being that guy… in this case, at least. It’s not pity, either.
Well what is it, then?
ALLEN CHANEY: So when it comes to RAM… I’m not Matt Knox. I’m not gonna treat you as some sort of lesser being. I’m not gonna tell you you don’t have ‘It’ because ultimately I hate the idea of intangibles in that regard. What I am going to tell you is that it’s highly likely that I’m about to beat seven shades of piss out of you and I hope that when all is said and done you come out of it stronger. I know you can fight. I happen to think you’re pretty good, even. I understand you’re going through some personal shit and I’m sorry to hear that. If you wanna talk, you got an ear…. But as it stands you’re in the way of a big wrecking ball looking to break through in a big way and I’m not letting God, The Devil, or a spiky-haired twink stop me from showing IWF that I’m not here to fuck around. I wish you nothing but the best beyond this, really.
There is not a shred of disingenuousness in the voice of The Comedian… though he does get a little cheeky with this next bit.
ALLEN CHANEY: I’ve heard this speech more than a few times and I never liked it, so it sucks I have to tell it to someone else… Mister Marshall I’m sorry to say that your pilot hasn’t been ordered to series…but I certainly hope we see you back next season! Best of luck.
A smirk from the Comedian.
ALLEN CHANEY: Setup. Punchline.
Allen winks and walks offscreen before the shot fades out.
Well howdy there pardner.