Post by Randon Haynes on Jun 7, 2023 19:42:06 GMT
The camera opens on a shot of Carvel Barley sitting on the tailgate of his red, rusted out, Ford F1 truck. "I ain't no stranger to taking on jobs no one else wants. Hell, I wrestle gators in my free time."
Carvel points over his shoulder with his thumb. "Thelma down the road got a big ol' gator rampaging through her petunias, they don't call animal control… oh no, they call ol' Carvel here. I jump in my gen-u-ine 1950 Ford truck -Sweet Cherry Pie, as I like to call her- and I ride on down the road. I pull up in Thelma's drive, and if that ol' bird has the money, I'm fixing to wrangle me a gator and drag her out."
"My first match in the IWF wasn't no different. Ain't nobody -and I do mean nobody- want to wrastle the Wraith. I know that. That Haynes from the IWF calls ol' Carvel up though, and I tell him I'll do it. Yeah, that night maybe didn't go so well for me; but that boy was scared. He was driven by the fear. Fight or flight, that's why he beat me."
"My second match, that Haynes fellow calls me up again, says to me: I need you to wrestle a kid named Nick Danger. I said al'right, but what you gonna do for ol' Carvel, Mr. Haynes? So I got me a brand new cassette player for my 'Sweet Cherry Pie' and a couple dollars in my pocket. And he ain't going to admit it, but that Danger kid learned a thing or three from me. Look at him now- mister big-shot Television Champion."
He runs at his nose, adding: "Point is I ain't scared to do a job."
"This week be some of the wildest shit ol' Carvel ever did hear, though! Some lady named Ali Quinn calls my phone and I answer. She tells me she needs ol' Carvel here to wrestle Leopold. I'm sittin' there scratchin' my head, and I said: ma'am, I ain't never wrestled a woman's delicates before. Ol' Carvel needs to know, Ms. Quinn, you gonna be in those delicates when I rassle'em? Or one of those other ladies? Cuz' ol' Carvel may have rassled gators all over the south, but I ain't got a clue how to rassle a garment in front of a couple thousand people. How's this work?"
"I get silence. I thought Jed down the way done gone and got in the white lightning again and took out another phone pole with his jeep."
"She says to me: what?!"
I say to her: what?"
"She says Leopold, as in Leopold Grimm, a new guy there."
He points up for emphasis. "A light bulb goes off over ol' Carvel's head. She doesn't want me to rassle a pair of women's delicates, she wants me to rassle a man named after a woman's delicates. Now I ain't sure what sort of parents name their child after a woman's garment, but okay, I'll rassle him still."
The camerawoman chimes in from behind the lens with a bit of a light laugh, "Did you think she meant she wanted you to wrestle a leotard?"
"No, cher." Carvel shakes his head. "I heard her plain as day. Leotard is one of 'dem there fictional turtles in those cartoons. The one with the sword. We talkin' about Leopold, the guy named after a woman's delicates."
Barley points at the camera. "Mr. Leopold, ol' Carvel has a message for you though. The third time's the charm, so they say. I'm going to wrangle you up just like I would a six foot gator. And if you try to bite me, boy, ol' Carvel is going to knock every single tooth out of your mouth! I'm gonna drop a big splash on you, hit you with the 'Gatortamer', and that's going to be all she wrote!"
"Now if you'll excuse ol' Carvel, Ms. Cameralady," he says, opening the door to his rusted out truck, "I got to get my tail up the bayou to Norfolk, Virginia! I heard the circus is in town."
Barley hops up in his truck, closing the creaky door behind him. It fails to start the first two times, hindering the dramatic effect he was aiming for. The third time's the charm though! Sweet Cherry Pie fires up with a loud BANG! The radio starts blasting…
She's my cherry pie
Put a smile on your face
Ten miles wide
Looks so good
Bring a tear to your eye
Sweet cherry pie
The truck spins its rear wheels, kicking up stones as Warrant plays on. Sweet Cherry Pie tears off as the scene fades to black.
Carvel points over his shoulder with his thumb. "Thelma down the road got a big ol' gator rampaging through her petunias, they don't call animal control… oh no, they call ol' Carvel here. I jump in my gen-u-ine 1950 Ford truck -Sweet Cherry Pie, as I like to call her- and I ride on down the road. I pull up in Thelma's drive, and if that ol' bird has the money, I'm fixing to wrangle me a gator and drag her out."
"My first match in the IWF wasn't no different. Ain't nobody -and I do mean nobody- want to wrastle the Wraith. I know that. That Haynes from the IWF calls ol' Carvel up though, and I tell him I'll do it. Yeah, that night maybe didn't go so well for me; but that boy was scared. He was driven by the fear. Fight or flight, that's why he beat me."
"My second match, that Haynes fellow calls me up again, says to me: I need you to wrestle a kid named Nick Danger. I said al'right, but what you gonna do for ol' Carvel, Mr. Haynes? So I got me a brand new cassette player for my 'Sweet Cherry Pie' and a couple dollars in my pocket. And he ain't going to admit it, but that Danger kid learned a thing or three from me. Look at him now- mister big-shot Television Champion."
He runs at his nose, adding: "Point is I ain't scared to do a job."
"This week be some of the wildest shit ol' Carvel ever did hear, though! Some lady named Ali Quinn calls my phone and I answer. She tells me she needs ol' Carvel here to wrestle Leopold. I'm sittin' there scratchin' my head, and I said: ma'am, I ain't never wrestled a woman's delicates before. Ol' Carvel needs to know, Ms. Quinn, you gonna be in those delicates when I rassle'em? Or one of those other ladies? Cuz' ol' Carvel may have rassled gators all over the south, but I ain't got a clue how to rassle a garment in front of a couple thousand people. How's this work?"
"I get silence. I thought Jed down the way done gone and got in the white lightning again and took out another phone pole with his jeep."
"She says to me: what?!"
I say to her: what?"
"She says Leopold, as in Leopold Grimm, a new guy there."
He points up for emphasis. "A light bulb goes off over ol' Carvel's head. She doesn't want me to rassle a pair of women's delicates, she wants me to rassle a man named after a woman's delicates. Now I ain't sure what sort of parents name their child after a woman's garment, but okay, I'll rassle him still."
The camerawoman chimes in from behind the lens with a bit of a light laugh, "Did you think she meant she wanted you to wrestle a leotard?"
"No, cher." Carvel shakes his head. "I heard her plain as day. Leotard is one of 'dem there fictional turtles in those cartoons. The one with the sword. We talkin' about Leopold, the guy named after a woman's delicates."
Barley points at the camera. "Mr. Leopold, ol' Carvel has a message for you though. The third time's the charm, so they say. I'm going to wrangle you up just like I would a six foot gator. And if you try to bite me, boy, ol' Carvel is going to knock every single tooth out of your mouth! I'm gonna drop a big splash on you, hit you with the 'Gatortamer', and that's going to be all she wrote!"
"Now if you'll excuse ol' Carvel, Ms. Cameralady," he says, opening the door to his rusted out truck, "I got to get my tail up the bayou to Norfolk, Virginia! I heard the circus is in town."
Barley hops up in his truck, closing the creaky door behind him. It fails to start the first two times, hindering the dramatic effect he was aiming for. The third time's the charm though! Sweet Cherry Pie fires up with a loud BANG! The radio starts blasting…
She's my cherry pie
Put a smile on your face
Ten miles wide
Looks so good
Bring a tear to your eye
Sweet cherry pie
The truck spins its rear wheels, kicking up stones as Warrant plays on. Sweet Cherry Pie tears off as the scene fades to black.
Well howdy there pardner.