Fatty Shitwheel: God of Failure

[Allen and Ollie and Raccoon]

‘THE COMEDIAN’ ALLEN CHANEY
Fatty Shitwheel: God of Failure





‘They love the taste of blood

Now I don't know what that means

But I know that I mean it

Maybe they're as evil as they seem

Or maybe I only look out the window when it's scenic’

-Atmosphere ‘Trying to Find a Balance’

No bells and whistles. No elaborate sets. A stage and a microphone. Allen Chaney in a Pride tee and gym shorts.

Let’s go.

“It’s… a surprise every time I wake up next to a beautiful woman and then get to go do the job I love. Yes, I said ‘job’ singular but we’ll get to that. It feels like I was supposed to be a middle school gym teacher or manage a nice-but-not-too-nice chain restaurant. Sometimes I nod off during the day and think I’m making the schedule for the week at an Olive Garden on Microsoft Excel and snap awake because I’m afraid that’s me viewing what my real life was supposed to be and I don’t want the multiverse to claim me. Once I bolted up in bed and scared the shit out of Jen because I shouted ‘Endless soup, salad, and breadsticks!’ but that may have more to do with my unhealthy relationship with food. Anyway…” Allen says.

“There’s this conceit about me that people seem to have in every company I’m in…. It typically doesn’t last very long. This idea that I’m not as dedicated to Wrestling as I am to being a Comedian. That I can’t dedicate my full time to both jobs I so I’m bound to half-ass both of them. Hecklers always think they’re so fucking clever. But if you want the secret to it all? It’s easy enough to wrap your head around once it’s laid out. I almost don’t want to tell you guys because it gives away too much.”

A pause.

“I don’t treat being a Wrestler and a Comedian as different jobs. I approach them the same way. When I pick up a mic I seem flippant and comfortable but it’s only because of anxious sleepless nights I’ve spent watching video, writing, strategizing… and yeah, training. Bring on the fat jokes but I know my way around a gym and I don’t let a heckler get under my skin because frankly I have so much anxiety and depression that there isn’t enough room for them. Working a crowd, learning the flow of things, dealing with hecklers… it’s all the same job to me and hey! Speaking of dealing with hecklers!” Allen says, clearly deciding he needed to move on to the most important topic.

“Hi, Matt. Glad we could finally do this. I could sit here and make joke after joke about how old you are and how you can’t pass by a hole in the ground without blasting toddler nog into it. It’d be easy and fun but…I’m not gonna do that. I guess it’s time for something of a confession. I lied. I do that sometimes. I didn’t call Matt Knox out because I want to put his ego in check. This is an industry of egos and I always hated when people are like ‘You’re talking about how good you are and how you’re gonna beat me so you’re dismissing me and not taking me seriously.’ That’s fucking Toddler shit. Nah, fam. I don’t know about you guys but I show up to win and I talk like I’m going to win and if I lose? I dust myself off, get up, and move on to the next fight. A little sorer but also a little wiser” Allen says, mimicking the act of dusting himself off.

“Basically, I kinda ‘Prison rules’ called out Matt Knox. I’m done fuckin around with open mic’ers like John Blade, may he rest in piss. So, I called Matt out on his ego knowing it’d get his attention and probably get me the match I wanted and well… you can’t really argue with results. I already said having an ego isn’t a bad thing… but once you learn to read between the lines, egos are easy to manipulate. I got to throw myself off a ladder to smush some people and I got the fight I wanted. That’s not to say this was all part of some ‘Master plan’ or some shit. I lost. That sucked. Gonna try not to do that again. No excuses here. I called Knox out because I like fighting people who are good at fighting and there was only one guy who couldn’t go five seconds without talking about how great he is so yeah. I found my new dance partner.” Allen says, he scratches his beard a bit.

“I have failed and I have failed and I have failed over and over in both my profession and life. I wear every Failure like a badge of honor. While so many of you are afraid of not looking cool or tough for a SINGLE second I will flick my AA chip in your dipshit faces and tell you tales of failures beyond measure. I lay all my faults bare for the world because there is nothing I enjoy more than a sea full of sharks thinking there’s blood in the water and taking a bite only to fucking choke on me. What do you think you’ve got on me that’s gonna hurt my feelings? The failed sitcom? The fear that PWE closed down because of me? Fucking give it to me man. Hurt my fucking feelings. Here’s one for free: In elementary school I didn’t know I had food poisoning on school carnival day and the Ferris Wheel stopped with me on it and I shit my pants and for like 3 years until we moved to another town every student at the school called me ‘Fatty Shitwheel’. Go nuts! I ENDURED THREE YEARS OF FATTY SHITWHEEL, YOU AIN’T FUCKIN NOTHIN.” Allen let’s that hang in the air for a few moments before clearing his throat.

“You don’t think I understand how I’m perceived? You think I don’t understand what is at stake? Do you think I’m not paying attention, bud?” Allen says before rolling his eyes.

“I’m sure you think you’ve got me figured out and you’re gonna dress me down and humiliate me in front of everyone because I know you like doing that. Matt, what do you think you can say to me that my mind hasn’t had on a loop every moment I’m sitting in an AA meeting remembering how I had the DT’s so bad I had a seizure? I’m sure you’ve had bad days, but how many of them were covered on TMZ? How many strangers today have told you you aren’t good enough for the woman you’re with? Bonus question… can your inflated ego imagine kinda agreeing with them?” Allen says. He waits as if expecting an answer.

“I’ve seen dudes who were big deals in other companies that shut down try and come in and fall flat on their fucking face and here I am fresh off a loss with a title shot and secure in the knowledge that the one championship I lost pints of my blood and my soul for is now just a belt that doesn’t fucking hold up any of my pants. I’m a clown with a 1 year AA Chip lobbing insults from the seat of a dunk tank filled with Whiskey at an MLB pitcher. This loss and a few more like it could destroy me. I should be worried. Yet…”

A shrug.

“I shrug because I have not been broken or weakened by my failures, I have been tempered by them. Is that how you operate too, Knox? When you look into the mirror at that face made out of shoe leather do you tell yourself it’s gonna work out with that new chick because she’s been in just as many failed relationships as you? I don’t think it is, bud. No one reminds people of their successes as much as you do if they aren’t terrified of failure. At the slightest hint of ridicule you grab your phone and within 5 seconds are firing off a tweet about how many wins you have over a person or about how successful and awesome and scary you are and….” Allen stops himself, wondering if he is going to bring up what he’s about to bring up.

“So Guy Ritchie did this movie called ‘Revolver’ and whenever I see Matt Knox talk or tweet and he’s dropped out of his MUCH more preferable goofball mode it’s all I can fucking think of. There’s a scene….I’m pretty sure it’s on Youtube if you wanna watch it where Ray Liotta has a gun pointed at the main character and is talking like a big threatening badass… and when it gets no reaction he just fucking falls apart. Slobbering and crying as he desperately starts repeating the words ‘Fear me’. That’s all I hear outta you lately, man. ‘My title is more important than any other in this company FEAR ME I’ve compiled a list of my defenses compared to yours so you can see that FEAR ME Yes I just got beat in CULT but let’s focus on all the times I won instead lately because FEAR ME.’ I know I just said that people in this industry are entitled to their egos and I do still believe that but at some point there is this air of… pitifulness to it. And that’s coming from ME, a guy who cried like a bitch and lashed out at everyone over a canceled sitcom. I can look back on that now and laugh but holy fuck. What a pussy.” Allen says, thinking about old Allen.

“To repurpose a buddy's old and unused nickname, I am the GOD of Failure, Knox. I have taken what you fear and I have tamed it. Weaponized it. I’m sure because you’ve gone grey at the temples and have a face like an old baseball glove that you think you’ve got some kinda lesson to teach me here but quite frankly if I need to know what Johnny Bacchus’s dick tastes like I’ll ask him out to an Alkaline Trio concert like a proper gentleman… But I’m willing to bet I have a thing or two to teach you about Failure, my guy.” Allen says with a slight chuckle.

“I’m here to tell you with some degree of confidence that if think you’ve got an easy night coming to you then you are as George Carlin said ‘SOL and JWF’. You think because of a twitter poll you’re gonna knock me out? Do it. Show me something and knock me the fuck out. I’m half hard just thinking about it, Knoxxy. I want us to leave this match with pieces of each other. Fuck me the fuck up.” Allen says, he sticks out his chin and smacks it a few times as if inviting a punch.

“So that ‘Setup’ and ‘Punchline’ thing I say so often? Well allow me to break proper Comedian code and explain the joke. The Setup in this instance is everyone telling Matt Knox just how good he is and the whole world believing he’s gonna take this loser fat fuck to the cleaners. The Punchline is him getting beat and said fat fuck holding up the Invictus Championship.” Allen says with a bit of a smirk.

“So tune in folks. The man with a million children is about to learn who HIS fucking Daddy is. Setup. Punchline.” Allen says, making a ‘cut’ motion right before the camera abruptly cuts out.

‘In the days of Kings and Queens I was a jester

Treat me like a God or they treat me like a leper

You see me move back and forth between both

I'm tryin' to find a balance’

-Atmosphere ‘Trying to Find a Balance’