Post by Malaki Toala on Nov 3, 2013 22:09:41 GMT
A few muffled noises can be heard before sparking into clarity with the sound of a cable being inserted into something, followed quickly by a familiar voice.
Is this thing working?
A few muffled voices seem to confirm that the camera is indeed, functioning.
I sure hope so, this cheap piece of shit cost me a small fortune in Korea…
Joey slowly backs up, still staring into the lens before he walks right into Malaki and almost has a heart attack before realising who it is.
Oh God, it’s just you. Where’ve you been?
Training.
Why?
I thought I needed to learn how to wrestle more, you said…
Yeah, yeah, well you’re here now, and just in time big guy, we’re almost ready to submit your first demo tape.
You know I’m not starting a band or anything, right?
Well what do they call it then?
A promo.
Well, yeah, one of those.
Joey pushes Malaki back behind him and smartens himself up, leaving the giant slightly stunned, but not surprised.
Welcome one, welcome all to yet another edition of a piece of history. You’ll never know how lucky you are to be sat here, live, watching the birth of a career which will undoubtedly eclipse any that came before it.
So, you know, it’d be nice if you sent a few cheques in appreciation.
Malaki stares down at Joey, who shrugs his shoulders.
What? I saw a kid wearing a Rob Diamond jacket and carrying a Xavier Cross lunchbox, if they can afford that cheap crap they can afford to donate towards the sparking career or a future icon, surely?
We’re not a charity.
You know, this is why I am in charge of the finances, and the appearances, and the bookings… well, pretty much everything. Just, let me handle this, ok?
Malaki gives up. Probably a good idea.
That’s better.
Well, well, well, it’s been a while since we last spoke and it seems that common sense has prevailed! My client, Malaki Toala, has gained immunity from elimination this week! Not that he needs it but long may it continue, the sooner he gets the title shot he deserves, the better.
But I guess he needs to get this week over with first.
What can I say about my clients opponents this week? No, really, what can I say? It’s like they just plucked these guys off the streets based on an ability to perform a hip toss and not be hideously ugly. Let’s be honest, some of them are really struggling on the latter and if the best they can manage is a few flips and the former, I think we’ve got this.
Ryu… Rayman…Sushi… Eh, let’s just call you Kentucky Fried Ninja seen as you’re about as Japanese as French Fries. My sources inform me that you’re a pretty big deal in Japan, but then so is tentacle porn so I wouldn’t brag too much about that one buddy, you’re in the big leagues now and that isn’t going to do your credibility much good, they’ll watch pretty much anything over there as long as it involves some form of physical pain.
I’ve watch a few videos of your try-outs on YouTube and quite honestly, I’m not intimidated, if you try any of those fancy jumping anywhere near Malaki, he’s going to snap you in two, you and your Pikachu.
Malaki rolls his eyes.
You’ve been watching Dragon Ball Z and Pokémon re-runs haven’t you?
Why not? This Takahashbrown isn’t a threat to you big fella, the idea of him managing to get a pinfall over you is about as realistic as that flashy trash. Let’s be honest folks, my client is the very definition of physical perfection and Studio Gibli over there is so embarrassed of his defects that he wears a mask to cover them. It’s barely even a contest, I feel quite cruel allowing you anywhere near him.
Takahashi is a raw, but explosive talent…
And I’m the Queen of Sheeba. Who’s next? Come on, come on, hold up their picture a little higher?
Joey squints, despite the fact that the picture has been blown up to near life size proportions.
Is that the guy who thinks he’s in Led Zepplin or something? Geeze kid, you’re more Z-List than Jack Black and judging by that little jacket, maybe you’re covering up a similar girth… honestly are these the best that a company the size of the Imperial Wrestling Federation could come up with, it’s getting a little embarrassing. Well, kid, I guess you’ve got balls the size of grapefruits if you’re willing to put… that[/t] body on the line against somebody as ruthless as my client but perhaps you brain isn’t looking so great in contrast.
But, I have to give you credit, you’re going to be the first in a line of big time money makers for me, the little plucky guy with a heart the size of his head and a deathwish. David v Goliath was a big deal in biblical times and, considering my talent for making shit smell of roses I think we can work this week into something a little more meaningful than a mere warm up. Just don’t go deluding yourself that you’re anything more than a bit part in my client’s triumphant march to glory.
I don’t think you’re being very respectful Joey, these guys aren’t a bunch of pawns waiting to be blown over…
Joey turns to look at Malaki.
Hey, what did I say when we first met?
Always let you do the talking.
Exactly, if I left this to you, you’d sell these guys as a legitimate threat when they’re just an assortment of wannabes climbing the greasy pole to stardom. There isn’t a “Gladiator” in this pack of hapless morons who would last five second in a ring with you let along five minutes, let’s not give them a reason to believe, huh?
If you say so.
I mean look at this next guy, the wannabe Tony Soprano, Michael Moretta, did you hear the sort of stuff that comes out his mouth? He’s like Mario trying to be King Kooper with the mic skills of a kid with a peanut allergy gorging on Reese’s Pieces. I’m being serious, I could barely understand a word him of his comprade dribbled out over that unfortunate interviewer.
He called you a “powerhouse in a sea of natural born fighters” or something, I mean really, is that the best you could do? The guy who calls himself the “Muscle for the Mob” is criticising somebody else for being strong and powerful? Well, Scarface, let me be blunt with you, you’re all talk. You walk around acting like a big guy but I promise you, this Sunday, you’re going to witness what a real “fighter” is capable of when the Samoan Battering Ram sends you to sleep with the fishes.
Which is pretty creepy by the way.
So, Mr Violenter than Violence, we’ll see who has the laugh last this weekend. Well technically it will be us because you’re going to be left flat on your ass, but still.
Joey stops and raises a finger, it seems a light bulb has gone on upstairs.
Speaking of leaving somebody flat on their ass, how are you doing Your Majesty? I thought I would save the royalty til last but I get a feeling you’re more like the kind who got their head cut off than the ones we put on commemorative plates.
I have to tell you, I listened to your life story last week, well, in parts, I am pretty sure I fell asleep half way through but I got the general gist. Woe is me, yadda yadda, I’ve had a bad life, trodden down a rough path, seen things you would shiver at and so on. Although having said that perhaps somewhere in the middle things got a little happier, all I know is it started depressing and it ended suicidal so, bravo.
You managed to make me frown, and that’s quite the accomplishment.
Listen, as I said to the other guys, this week really isn’t about you, it’s about my client. Last week he won immunity, this week he is going to become immortal when he smacks you, Takeshi’s Castle, Aerosmith and Scarface around like a Lion toying with his food. This tournament was made for men like Malaki, you’re nothing more than hurdles waiting to be leaped over, sideshows in a Oscar winner if you will.
You can all try as much as you like this week to snatch the spotlight but we’re not here to play.
We’re here to win.
And make me a fortune in the process, isn’t that right big guy.
Sure…
Let’s go, we’ll see you chumps on Monday.
Joey pushes the camera over dramatically, leaving the picture to immediately cut to black, although from the audio we can still hear him cursing as he realises he’s just broken his own camcorder.
Well howdy there pardner.