Post by "The Main Man" Chris Diamond on Aug 18, 2023 0:37:18 GMT
{ DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!?
DO YOU!?
DO YOU EVEN HAVE THE SLIGHTEST IDEA OF WHAT FREAKING TIME IT IS RIGHT NOW AS I’M ASKING YOU THIS QUESTION!?
IT!
IS!
THE!
MAIN!
MAN!
MINUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And it’s been a damn minute since I’ve been able to give that glorious introduction that absolutely everyone on the roster wishes they had!!!! Tell me when I’m telling lies!? You think a better intro is just some asshole sitting at his computer desk or maybe some other asshole filming a period piece disguised as a promo or some other asshole just showing up with no pretense and running their mouth for fifty five minutes or until you put a gun to your head and unalive yourself so hard it makes Robin Williams jealous!!!!??
Too soon?
Nah. This is the best intro in professional wrestling and anyone who says anything different is a bigger idiot than James Gilmore.
And that idiot is one dumb mother fucker.
NOW! For the moment you’ve all been waiting for. I can feel your pent up sexual aggression, your arousal, the dripping dicks and rock hard vaginas. You want me to describe the Main Man to you. More than that, you want to know what the Main Man is wearing, where the Main Man is and maybe you want a little insight into his mind, you sexual deviants!
Well Daddy is here to give you what you want.
The Main Man isn’t sat in front of a laptop, the Main Man isn’t doing the tango while killing some chick, the Main Man isn’t just appearing out of the ether with no rhyme or reason ready to talk you into suicide. NO. The Main Man is doing something so much better than that.
He’s at a bar.
YEAH! A BAR!
But not just any bar. He’s at his favorite bar. Legends located somewhere in CT. I’m not going to tell you where because Chris had this stalker issue last year and let’s just say she’s been hounding him for child support ever since.
SO HE’S IN A BAR! He’s drinking an ice cold Coors Light in a chilled glass. His grizzled hands gripping that glass like he grips his dick at the adult movie theater over in Winsted.
HARD.
He’s wearing a black leather jacket but not just any black leather jacket! No! I’m going to describe it in detail! You know that one that Jack Ryan wears in that movie where Captain Kirk plays him with the gray hoodie underneath? He’s wearing a black leather jacket that looks really similar to that! And yeah, it’s August, it’s hot but he’s so badass that he doesn’t even care! And what’s he wearing under that black leather jacket that looks vaguely similar to the one Captain Kirk wore in that Jack Ryan movie?
A white as shit shirt he got from Walmart in a six pack for $9.99. Like a badass.
And beneath that!? Dark wash Wrangler jeans, SLIM CUT!!! Made of the stretchy denim material because that’s more conducive to ass whipping! This man don’t wear no working jeans! He’s wearing shoot jeans!
AND BENEATH THAT!!!!
Black as death biker boots with the jeans tucked into them because why?
BADASS.
The Man Man looks up from his ice cold glass of Coors Light to the television. On that television? Conveniently? Chris Van Fleet talking about how the Main Man totally beat the shit out of Rob Diamond and ended his stupid ass career a few weeks back. Chris just laughs to himself like a badass before turning to acknowledge the camera crew, the camera man, the boom mic guy and the fluffer who have all set themselves up in the relatively cramped bar just behind the camera. }
”Can you believe this shit?”
{ The Main Man says as he points to the tv with his thumb. }
”They’re pissing and moaning like I punted baby Jesus off an overpass.”
{ He would too, because he’s a badass. }
”All I did was do what a few dozen other people have tried before me. I shut Rob’s GOD-DAMN mouth. Is that so wrong?”
{ Nope. Totally justified. }
”Hell, Spike Kane cut half Rob’s god-damn finger off and that dead-alive piece of shit is held on some pedestal like he was the Virgin Mary!”
{ Spike was the second biggest piece of shit in the world, second only to this other fuckwit, Jak- }
”I mean, what the fuck people!? Mike Laszlo, Lex Sense, Gib, KLB, Roberto GOD-DAMN Verona himself tried to end my little brother's career! And you’re mad that I was the one to do it? You still fucking cheer for them. You still yearn to see some of those assholes back in this company. But me? You don’t even let me get a word in edgewise in the ring without telling me to go fuck myself.”
{ And that’s pretty goddamn rude. }
”Fuck, Steve Awesome tried to end his career and some of you absolute dipshits still cheer for him while he pole dances in high schools for $1 dollar tips or whatever it is they do in the Xtremely Homophobic Federation.”
{ You guys should see the shit we hear. }
”But I’m the pariah? I’m the bad guy? I’m a GOD-DAMN near thirty year vet! I’ve seen and beaten first, second and third generation wrestlers! Hell, if my knees hold up I’ve got my eye on my first fourth gen.”
{ You know who you are. }
”But I’m the bad guy?”
{ Not in my eyes! }
”I’m sure none of you pro wrestling fans have reached the level of success I have in my life. How could you? You’re too busy refreshing Only Fans hoping Jennie finally starts up her page.”
{ Aren’t we all? }
”I’ve been a GOD-DAMN World Champion. MULTIPLE TIMES! I’ve been in Halls of Fame. I’ve wrestled in a sold out Tokyo Dome! I’ve starred in movies, albeit not good ones, guest appeared on tv shows, hell, I had a cameo once on Saturday Night Live where I threw Adam Sandler’s unfunny ass through a window when he was relevant!”
{ And it gets funnier everytime I see it. }
”I wrestled in backyards. I wrestled in bars. I wrestled in gyms, VFWs, Bingo Halls, 7 GOD-DAMN 11s all the way up to Madison Square Garden! I have worked my GOD-DAMN fingers to the GOD-DAMN bone! Fuck! I gave up on relationships, I gave up on having kids, I don’t own a fucking house or even rent an apartment for more than a few months at a time so I can always be ready to hit the next show.”
{ I… Didn’t know that. }
”And I’m the bad guy? Why? Because I got a little fucking jealous? Because I was sick and GOD-DAMN tired of playing second fiddle to Rob fuckboy Diamond!? How would all of you fucking feel if you lived the life I’m living right fucking now and your little brother is seen as the star of the god-damn family?”
{ I’d probably want to murder him too. }
”You’d feel pretty fucking miserable too. And I’m not trying to say Rob didn’t earn all the success he has. He did. He put in the work. 100%. I can’t and won’t deny that. But all that shit being said? I want what he has.”
{ Even the weird alternate reality doppelgangers that all seem to live in his mansion? }
”I want the mansion, I want the wife, I want the kids, I want the fame, the money, the glory, the championships, I want that spot that Verona is keeping warm for him in the hall of fame and yeah? I’d even take the alternate reality doppelgangers. Why the fuck not?”
{ A posse of Main Man’s? The Main Man Posse? I like it. }
”I want it all. But from the moment I got here I’ve been positioned as Rob Diamonds support system. Verona wasn’t interested in what I could do in singles competition. He didn’t see any money in a man pushing 50 having his last run in what some people consider the best wrestling company in the world.”
{ Are you kidding me? That one that broadcasts for free on X is the best one in the world. They’ve got like 100 followers!! }
”Well I’m done being a fucking support system. I’m done waiting for Verona to see there’s money in a guy like me. IWF doesn’t want to give me chances? I’m taking them. Just like I’m taking everything Rob has. And when my time finally comes to leave my boots in that ring? A whole lot of mother fuckers are going to wish they cashed in on me sooner.”
{ Leave’em wanting more I always say. }
”Which brings me to Billie Penis, if that is your real name.”
{ HAH! }
”Billie. I don’t know you from the fake panhandler over at Stop and Shop. As far as I’m fucking concerned you’re a non factor. Some asshole who has never won a match, never will win a match and your only job is to go out there and make someone else look good. Lucky me. I’m about to look real goddamn good.”
{ You always do, bud! }
”But this week? You aren’t Billie Penis. You aren’t Bill Penis. William Penis. Willy Penis or even Billy with a y Penis. You’re Rob Diamond.”
{ Oh, a twist! }
”Your name is Rob Diamond, your face is Rob Diamond, your soul is Rob Diamond. And I am going to beat the ever living shit out of you just like I did to Rob Diamond but worse.”
{ Is that even possible? }
”Because that sad sack piece of shit isn’t ever coming back and I’ve got some aggression I really need to work out. Most people would go to a therapist or one of those smash rooms. Me? I just beat the living shit out of people for money. And that’s what I’m going to do this week, Bill/Rob.”
{ Be afraid, be very afraid. }
”I’m going to beat you like the year was 1952 and you just overcooked my dinner after a long day of supporting your ass.”
{ That’s rough. }
”I’m going to beat you like a border patrol agent with too much authority beats a little Mexican kid just looking for a chance.”
{ Ok, I’m a little offended I think? }
”I am going to beat you like me and all my cop buddies mistook your cell phone for an AK47.”
{ I’d like to apologize on behalf of the IWF, Chris Diamond does not reflect our opinions and he will be speaking with Roberto Verona immediately after this promo. }
”I’m going to beat that bitch ass so GOD-DAMN bad you’ll retire from the IWF swearing off all professional wrestling before starting your own promotion with like three other dudes and just jerk off into each other’s mouths while trying to forget how bad I embarrassed you!”
{ That is what usually happens. }
”Bill/Rob? You’re fucked.”
{ Like a hooker in Vegas… SORRY! Like a sex worker in Vegas. I apologize for using the wrong adjective. }
”Now get the fuck out of my bar before something bad happens.”
{ You heard the man! Go! GIT! GET OUT OF HERE! And don’t forget to tune into the next Main Man Minute!!!! }
DO YOU!?
DO YOU EVEN HAVE THE SLIGHTEST IDEA OF WHAT FREAKING TIME IT IS RIGHT NOW AS I’M ASKING YOU THIS QUESTION!?
IT!
IS!
THE!
MAIN!
MAN!
MINUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And it’s been a damn minute since I’ve been able to give that glorious introduction that absolutely everyone on the roster wishes they had!!!! Tell me when I’m telling lies!? You think a better intro is just some asshole sitting at his computer desk or maybe some other asshole filming a period piece disguised as a promo or some other asshole just showing up with no pretense and running their mouth for fifty five minutes or until you put a gun to your head and unalive yourself so hard it makes Robin Williams jealous!!!!??
Too soon?
Nah. This is the best intro in professional wrestling and anyone who says anything different is a bigger idiot than James Gilmore.
And that idiot is one dumb mother fucker.
NOW! For the moment you’ve all been waiting for. I can feel your pent up sexual aggression, your arousal, the dripping dicks and rock hard vaginas. You want me to describe the Main Man to you. More than that, you want to know what the Main Man is wearing, where the Main Man is and maybe you want a little insight into his mind, you sexual deviants!
Well Daddy is here to give you what you want.
The Main Man isn’t sat in front of a laptop, the Main Man isn’t doing the tango while killing some chick, the Main Man isn’t just appearing out of the ether with no rhyme or reason ready to talk you into suicide. NO. The Main Man is doing something so much better than that.
He’s at a bar.
YEAH! A BAR!
But not just any bar. He’s at his favorite bar. Legends located somewhere in CT. I’m not going to tell you where because Chris had this stalker issue last year and let’s just say she’s been hounding him for child support ever since.
SO HE’S IN A BAR! He’s drinking an ice cold Coors Light in a chilled glass. His grizzled hands gripping that glass like he grips his dick at the adult movie theater over in Winsted.
HARD.
He’s wearing a black leather jacket but not just any black leather jacket! No! I’m going to describe it in detail! You know that one that Jack Ryan wears in that movie where Captain Kirk plays him with the gray hoodie underneath? He’s wearing a black leather jacket that looks really similar to that! And yeah, it’s August, it’s hot but he’s so badass that he doesn’t even care! And what’s he wearing under that black leather jacket that looks vaguely similar to the one Captain Kirk wore in that Jack Ryan movie?
A white as shit shirt he got from Walmart in a six pack for $9.99. Like a badass.
And beneath that!? Dark wash Wrangler jeans, SLIM CUT!!! Made of the stretchy denim material because that’s more conducive to ass whipping! This man don’t wear no working jeans! He’s wearing shoot jeans!
AND BENEATH THAT!!!!
Black as death biker boots with the jeans tucked into them because why?
BADASS.
The Man Man looks up from his ice cold glass of Coors Light to the television. On that television? Conveniently? Chris Van Fleet talking about how the Main Man totally beat the shit out of Rob Diamond and ended his stupid ass career a few weeks back. Chris just laughs to himself like a badass before turning to acknowledge the camera crew, the camera man, the boom mic guy and the fluffer who have all set themselves up in the relatively cramped bar just behind the camera. }
”Can you believe this shit?”
{ The Main Man says as he points to the tv with his thumb. }
”They’re pissing and moaning like I punted baby Jesus off an overpass.”
{ He would too, because he’s a badass. }
”All I did was do what a few dozen other people have tried before me. I shut Rob’s GOD-DAMN mouth. Is that so wrong?”
{ Nope. Totally justified. }
”Hell, Spike Kane cut half Rob’s god-damn finger off and that dead-alive piece of shit is held on some pedestal like he was the Virgin Mary!”
{ Spike was the second biggest piece of shit in the world, second only to this other fuckwit, Jak- }
”I mean, what the fuck people!? Mike Laszlo, Lex Sense, Gib, KLB, Roberto GOD-DAMN Verona himself tried to end my little brother's career! And you’re mad that I was the one to do it? You still fucking cheer for them. You still yearn to see some of those assholes back in this company. But me? You don’t even let me get a word in edgewise in the ring without telling me to go fuck myself.”
{ And that’s pretty goddamn rude. }
”Fuck, Steve Awesome tried to end his career and some of you absolute dipshits still cheer for him while he pole dances in high schools for $1 dollar tips or whatever it is they do in the Xtremely Homophobic Federation.”
{ You guys should see the shit we hear. }
”But I’m the pariah? I’m the bad guy? I’m a GOD-DAMN near thirty year vet! I’ve seen and beaten first, second and third generation wrestlers! Hell, if my knees hold up I’ve got my eye on my first fourth gen.”
{ You know who you are. }
”But I’m the bad guy?”
{ Not in my eyes! }
”I’m sure none of you pro wrestling fans have reached the level of success I have in my life. How could you? You’re too busy refreshing Only Fans hoping Jennie finally starts up her page.”
{ Aren’t we all? }
”I’ve been a GOD-DAMN World Champion. MULTIPLE TIMES! I’ve been in Halls of Fame. I’ve wrestled in a sold out Tokyo Dome! I’ve starred in movies, albeit not good ones, guest appeared on tv shows, hell, I had a cameo once on Saturday Night Live where I threw Adam Sandler’s unfunny ass through a window when he was relevant!”
{ And it gets funnier everytime I see it. }
”I wrestled in backyards. I wrestled in bars. I wrestled in gyms, VFWs, Bingo Halls, 7 GOD-DAMN 11s all the way up to Madison Square Garden! I have worked my GOD-DAMN fingers to the GOD-DAMN bone! Fuck! I gave up on relationships, I gave up on having kids, I don’t own a fucking house or even rent an apartment for more than a few months at a time so I can always be ready to hit the next show.”
{ I… Didn’t know that. }
”And I’m the bad guy? Why? Because I got a little fucking jealous? Because I was sick and GOD-DAMN tired of playing second fiddle to Rob fuckboy Diamond!? How would all of you fucking feel if you lived the life I’m living right fucking now and your little brother is seen as the star of the god-damn family?”
{ I’d probably want to murder him too. }
”You’d feel pretty fucking miserable too. And I’m not trying to say Rob didn’t earn all the success he has. He did. He put in the work. 100%. I can’t and won’t deny that. But all that shit being said? I want what he has.”
{ Even the weird alternate reality doppelgangers that all seem to live in his mansion? }
”I want the mansion, I want the wife, I want the kids, I want the fame, the money, the glory, the championships, I want that spot that Verona is keeping warm for him in the hall of fame and yeah? I’d even take the alternate reality doppelgangers. Why the fuck not?”
{ A posse of Main Man’s? The Main Man Posse? I like it. }
”I want it all. But from the moment I got here I’ve been positioned as Rob Diamonds support system. Verona wasn’t interested in what I could do in singles competition. He didn’t see any money in a man pushing 50 having his last run in what some people consider the best wrestling company in the world.”
{ Are you kidding me? That one that broadcasts for free on X is the best one in the world. They’ve got like 100 followers!! }
”Well I’m done being a fucking support system. I’m done waiting for Verona to see there’s money in a guy like me. IWF doesn’t want to give me chances? I’m taking them. Just like I’m taking everything Rob has. And when my time finally comes to leave my boots in that ring? A whole lot of mother fuckers are going to wish they cashed in on me sooner.”
{ Leave’em wanting more I always say. }
”Which brings me to Billie Penis, if that is your real name.”
{ HAH! }
”Billie. I don’t know you from the fake panhandler over at Stop and Shop. As far as I’m fucking concerned you’re a non factor. Some asshole who has never won a match, never will win a match and your only job is to go out there and make someone else look good. Lucky me. I’m about to look real goddamn good.”
{ You always do, bud! }
”But this week? You aren’t Billie Penis. You aren’t Bill Penis. William Penis. Willy Penis or even Billy with a y Penis. You’re Rob Diamond.”
{ Oh, a twist! }
”Your name is Rob Diamond, your face is Rob Diamond, your soul is Rob Diamond. And I am going to beat the ever living shit out of you just like I did to Rob Diamond but worse.”
{ Is that even possible? }
”Because that sad sack piece of shit isn’t ever coming back and I’ve got some aggression I really need to work out. Most people would go to a therapist or one of those smash rooms. Me? I just beat the living shit out of people for money. And that’s what I’m going to do this week, Bill/Rob.”
{ Be afraid, be very afraid. }
”I’m going to beat you like the year was 1952 and you just overcooked my dinner after a long day of supporting your ass.”
{ That’s rough. }
”I’m going to beat you like a border patrol agent with too much authority beats a little Mexican kid just looking for a chance.”
{ Ok, I’m a little offended I think? }
”I am going to beat you like me and all my cop buddies mistook your cell phone for an AK47.”
{ I’d like to apologize on behalf of the IWF, Chris Diamond does not reflect our opinions and he will be speaking with Roberto Verona immediately after this promo. }
”I’m going to beat that bitch ass so GOD-DAMN bad you’ll retire from the IWF swearing off all professional wrestling before starting your own promotion with like three other dudes and just jerk off into each other’s mouths while trying to forget how bad I embarrassed you!”
{ That is what usually happens. }
”Bill/Rob? You’re fucked.”
{ Like a hooker in Vegas… SORRY! Like a sex worker in Vegas. I apologize for using the wrong adjective. }
”Now get the fuck out of my bar before something bad happens.”
{ You heard the man! Go! GIT! GET OUT OF HERE! And don’t forget to tune into the next Main Man Minute!!!! }
Well howdy there pardner.