Post by kaster on Sept 23, 2023 5:48:58 GMT
Caleb Cannin sits down on a folding chair backed up against a white walled background. He crosses one leg over the other, slowly taking off his sunglasses. Rolling up his right jacket sleeve, he glances down at his smart watch.
“Nine d-bags… what do we got? Ten minutes? Got it…”
“They wanted to put me on the pre-show. At first, I didn’t really get why those neanderthals in office would do that, but I figured they wanted to drive up sales for the actual pay-per-view card. What better way to do that than to have your main attraction on display early on? Still, I bet you anything that ticket sales would be doubled, nah, tripled if I was actually on the main card. As it stands, I’m here to do what I do best. Arrive, kick ass, collect the check and leave. Now, I don’t normally do battle royales. Not because I’d have a hard time with them, it’s because it’s just too goddamn easy! Seriously, all I’ve got to do is throw someone over the top rope. I can do that in my sleep! What catches my eye, though, is a shot at the Invictus title. Geeks living in their mom’s house might remember that I was actually in the tournament to crown the inaugural Invictus Champion. It was supposed to be my chance to climb the ranks as the Captain of Odyssey. Do you think that hasn’t lingered in the back of my mind for months on end? Of course it has. A mind like mine never forgets.”
“Let’s start off with my good friend… the walking corpse himself, Nick Knight! I’m getting real tired of your shit, to be honest. But since you’re the only one in this battle royale that I’ve actually faced one-on-one, I’m going to think back to every bruise, welt and scar that you’ve put on me. I will let them fester into bile in my veins… all so I can hit you that much harder. It feels like I’m playing a broken record, but this time, Nicky, I am going to beat you. I will toss your ass over the top rope and I hope you break something on the way down. You think you’re better than me, Knight? Don’t let those past experiences cloud your judgment. I can still tie you into a goddamn soft pretzel if I want to, so you better have eyes in the back of your head at Legacy. It’s not the first time I’ve been in the ring with you and it sure as hell won’t be the last.”
“Then, we have ourselves a little Diamond in the rough. Chris, I have heard horror stories about you from the minute I entered the locker room. From what I hear, you are one of the most brutal, sadistic, savage motherfuckers to ever put their boots in a wrestling ring. A monster standing at six foot four… I didn’t know they could stack shit that high. You can consider yourself the Main Man here but know that I am the main event. I am the highlight reel that never stops, I am everything you wish you could be and more. Carry that baseball bat to the ring, it’s perfect for you. Because while you’re playing little tee-ball kiddie games, I’m making this company money. While you walk around looking like a drunk divorcee going through his third mid-life crisis, I’m fast becoming one of the greatest stars this place has ever seen! Do you understand, Chris? Hell, I wish your brother was in this match instead of you! He seems like a guy I could hang out with. You, on the other hand, might as well be shit on the bottom of my boots, because I’m going to walk over you in this battle royale.”
“And since this is for the Invictus belt, we’ve got to have some women in here! I’m seeing a lot of pretty new faces crop up for the women’s division, but you can rest easy, ladies. I’m here to remind you that even if you want to fight any man or woman, you will NEVER beat the Future. It’s such a shame, really, that you all believe you have a chance. I mean, look at these new exports from Japan! Our first one, HIJOU? You’ve been in IWF for a minute and congrats, you won your first match! But the first one is always free. Don’t get your hopes up, because you will come across failure throughout your career. Trust me, I know it will happen. You want to know why it happens? Because you’re messing with Caleb Cannin and that is a cardinal sin here in the IWF.”
“As for ITAMI, I hear you’ve hitched your wagon to a vehicle that is approaching a cliff. Of course, I’m talking about Gregor Winter and his idiotic MOD Island. I’ve beaten his ass and I will take pleasure in making an example out of one of his students. I know you’ve actually been around the block here before, but you’ve never met anyone quite like me. Never have and you never will. Are you going to give me a brochure and try to convert me to whatever bullshit MOD religion Gregor’s got? Or are you actually going to try and fight? Either way, it won’t matter. You are getting the one-way flight back to MOD courtesy of Future Airlines! Enjoy your stay while you can. By the way, what is it with Japanese wrestlers having all caps in the name? Weird customs over there…”
“At least this one didn’t bother with the caps, it’s Legion! What kind of a name is that, anyway? Bad way to make a first impression, honestly. I haven’t heard much about you and I don’t really need to. All I need to know is that you’re in that battle royale which means your debut will be on pay-per-view in front of THOUSANDS… as you get launched over the top rope onto your ass, courtesy of moi. I know it might be disappointing at first, but it’s a valuable lesson I’m going to be teaching you. You can’t give yourself too high of expectations when I’m around. No, no, you need to learn what the reality of this situation is. You won’t be able to get past me and you never will. Accept it now while you can, because there are people who think that if they just work hard enough, it’ll compensate for pure, raw talent. It doesn’t work. You are looking at one-hundred and ten percent TALENT. It’s in every bone, muscle and blood cell that I’ve got. You? Eh… we might be looking at twenty, thirty percent tops.”
“While we’re on the subject of talent… Virginia Stepanov! You’ve been a mainstay here for a while now, something like the second longest title reign and all that, but man… how the mighty fall, huh? I mean, the ring rust must be overwhelming. You used to wrestle a ton, now look at you. Popping up here and there, getting saddled with god knows how many injuries along the way, you’ve lost a lot of your luster. Now, somebody like me, I’ve got a lot of time to afford injuries and all that. By the way, I have not been injured once in my entire career! The fuck are you dipshits doing? Maybe instead of doing these superkicks to the head and piledrivers on the neck, you actually focus on smart wrestling! Who am I kidding? Knock yourselves out! I mean that. Back to Stepan Stone here, you consider yourself some kind of a punk, right? A bit of a MMA fighter? Well, all that MMA shit may work when someone tries to beat you with a flying crotch tackle or whatever stupid fucking moves they do, but in this ring, you have to prepare yourself to be outclassed, outwitted and outwrestled by a true star. You need to up your game before I put you on the shelf… maybe for the last time.”
“Who else do we have? Let’s see… oh yeah! Ultimo… Amarillo? No, that’s not right… Ultimo Basuro! No, no, it’s on the tip of my tongue… Ultimo Valiente! Right! So, another luchador comes in, does some flippy shit and the crowd goes wild for a few months before they move onto the next lucha of the month! There, folks, I just saved you a few months of having to watch this guy! No need to thank me. You’re another guy that I know nothing about. Let me guess, you do the shooting star presses and the dives and the dips and all of that shit that the internet geeks go crazy for? I’m not impressed, Mr. Valiente. You try any of that with me, you’ll see what happens. I don’t need to risk killing myself on a top rope tornado 360 degree moonfuckinator every week in order to be successful. All I need is my brains, my brawn and, of course, my beauty. So if you can actually flip your sorry ass over that rope and make my life a bit easier, that would be great! Gracias, amigo!”
“Emmanuelle… they call you the Platinum Standard. I never realized that the bar was so low that you were the Platinum Standard. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen what you do and it looks like you’re stiffer than Nick Knight after he takes his warm-up gas station blue pills! You can hit hard and drop people on their heads but simply put, you’re not going to be able to pull any of that shit with me. I’ve got the height and weight advantage on you, not to mention that I could wrestle circles, squares, triangles and goddamn hexagons around you if I wanted. I don’t need to hit you with a headbutt or a DDT, I just need to lift you up… up… and away! Then, as you soar across the top rope, for that split second when you feel like you’re flying, you should ask yourself… ‘How can I be the Standard if there’s someone who is demonstrably better than me?’. It’s a good question, Em, and don’t feel ashamed to admit that I am better than you. The last thing I want is for you to feel discouraged because you can’t keep up with me! Nobody can, you’re one among dozens. But… on the other hand, it does look pretty damn embarrassing for you, doesn’t it? I’d book the first plane back to Los Angeles and hope my family doesn’t disown me! I guess it’s a good thing I’m not you, though.”
“And… god… finally, we get to Frank Black. Good fucking lord, who signs these guys? Is it that four-eyed fuckhead, Cliff? Jesus H. Christ… okay, Frank Black. Some dumb hick who probably should have retired when he left this company way back when. Frank, I know you’re probably busy wrangling cattle or making out with your cousin or whatever you do back home, but I want you to listen closely. You do not belong here. You are not on my level, you will never be on my level. I know that you were a former tag team champion here, whoopty-fucking-do. I will make that redneck a broken neck. I will enjoy smashing your dreams and letting everyone see how much of a fucking sad sack you turn out to be.”
He checks the watch again before tapping it.
“Aaaaand… time! Well, that was almost fun! I think you all got the point. That Invictus Championship is coming right to where it should have been in the first place. Miss Calaway, don’t occupy yourself too much with your tag team match. I want you to be well aware that I’m coming for your championship whether you win those tag titles or not. When I win, you will hand me that Invictus title… out of nothing but respect.”
He flashes a smug grin before the camera fades out.
“Nine d-bags… what do we got? Ten minutes? Got it…”
“They wanted to put me on the pre-show. At first, I didn’t really get why those neanderthals in office would do that, but I figured they wanted to drive up sales for the actual pay-per-view card. What better way to do that than to have your main attraction on display early on? Still, I bet you anything that ticket sales would be doubled, nah, tripled if I was actually on the main card. As it stands, I’m here to do what I do best. Arrive, kick ass, collect the check and leave. Now, I don’t normally do battle royales. Not because I’d have a hard time with them, it’s because it’s just too goddamn easy! Seriously, all I’ve got to do is throw someone over the top rope. I can do that in my sleep! What catches my eye, though, is a shot at the Invictus title. Geeks living in their mom’s house might remember that I was actually in the tournament to crown the inaugural Invictus Champion. It was supposed to be my chance to climb the ranks as the Captain of Odyssey. Do you think that hasn’t lingered in the back of my mind for months on end? Of course it has. A mind like mine never forgets.”
“Let’s start off with my good friend… the walking corpse himself, Nick Knight! I’m getting real tired of your shit, to be honest. But since you’re the only one in this battle royale that I’ve actually faced one-on-one, I’m going to think back to every bruise, welt and scar that you’ve put on me. I will let them fester into bile in my veins… all so I can hit you that much harder. It feels like I’m playing a broken record, but this time, Nicky, I am going to beat you. I will toss your ass over the top rope and I hope you break something on the way down. You think you’re better than me, Knight? Don’t let those past experiences cloud your judgment. I can still tie you into a goddamn soft pretzel if I want to, so you better have eyes in the back of your head at Legacy. It’s not the first time I’ve been in the ring with you and it sure as hell won’t be the last.”
“Then, we have ourselves a little Diamond in the rough. Chris, I have heard horror stories about you from the minute I entered the locker room. From what I hear, you are one of the most brutal, sadistic, savage motherfuckers to ever put their boots in a wrestling ring. A monster standing at six foot four… I didn’t know they could stack shit that high. You can consider yourself the Main Man here but know that I am the main event. I am the highlight reel that never stops, I am everything you wish you could be and more. Carry that baseball bat to the ring, it’s perfect for you. Because while you’re playing little tee-ball kiddie games, I’m making this company money. While you walk around looking like a drunk divorcee going through his third mid-life crisis, I’m fast becoming one of the greatest stars this place has ever seen! Do you understand, Chris? Hell, I wish your brother was in this match instead of you! He seems like a guy I could hang out with. You, on the other hand, might as well be shit on the bottom of my boots, because I’m going to walk over you in this battle royale.”
“And since this is for the Invictus belt, we’ve got to have some women in here! I’m seeing a lot of pretty new faces crop up for the women’s division, but you can rest easy, ladies. I’m here to remind you that even if you want to fight any man or woman, you will NEVER beat the Future. It’s such a shame, really, that you all believe you have a chance. I mean, look at these new exports from Japan! Our first one, HIJOU? You’ve been in IWF for a minute and congrats, you won your first match! But the first one is always free. Don’t get your hopes up, because you will come across failure throughout your career. Trust me, I know it will happen. You want to know why it happens? Because you’re messing with Caleb Cannin and that is a cardinal sin here in the IWF.”
“As for ITAMI, I hear you’ve hitched your wagon to a vehicle that is approaching a cliff. Of course, I’m talking about Gregor Winter and his idiotic MOD Island. I’ve beaten his ass and I will take pleasure in making an example out of one of his students. I know you’ve actually been around the block here before, but you’ve never met anyone quite like me. Never have and you never will. Are you going to give me a brochure and try to convert me to whatever bullshit MOD religion Gregor’s got? Or are you actually going to try and fight? Either way, it won’t matter. You are getting the one-way flight back to MOD courtesy of Future Airlines! Enjoy your stay while you can. By the way, what is it with Japanese wrestlers having all caps in the name? Weird customs over there…”
“At least this one didn’t bother with the caps, it’s Legion! What kind of a name is that, anyway? Bad way to make a first impression, honestly. I haven’t heard much about you and I don’t really need to. All I need to know is that you’re in that battle royale which means your debut will be on pay-per-view in front of THOUSANDS… as you get launched over the top rope onto your ass, courtesy of moi. I know it might be disappointing at first, but it’s a valuable lesson I’m going to be teaching you. You can’t give yourself too high of expectations when I’m around. No, no, you need to learn what the reality of this situation is. You won’t be able to get past me and you never will. Accept it now while you can, because there are people who think that if they just work hard enough, it’ll compensate for pure, raw talent. It doesn’t work. You are looking at one-hundred and ten percent TALENT. It’s in every bone, muscle and blood cell that I’ve got. You? Eh… we might be looking at twenty, thirty percent tops.”
“While we’re on the subject of talent… Virginia Stepanov! You’ve been a mainstay here for a while now, something like the second longest title reign and all that, but man… how the mighty fall, huh? I mean, the ring rust must be overwhelming. You used to wrestle a ton, now look at you. Popping up here and there, getting saddled with god knows how many injuries along the way, you’ve lost a lot of your luster. Now, somebody like me, I’ve got a lot of time to afford injuries and all that. By the way, I have not been injured once in my entire career! The fuck are you dipshits doing? Maybe instead of doing these superkicks to the head and piledrivers on the neck, you actually focus on smart wrestling! Who am I kidding? Knock yourselves out! I mean that. Back to Stepan Stone here, you consider yourself some kind of a punk, right? A bit of a MMA fighter? Well, all that MMA shit may work when someone tries to beat you with a flying crotch tackle or whatever stupid fucking moves they do, but in this ring, you have to prepare yourself to be outclassed, outwitted and outwrestled by a true star. You need to up your game before I put you on the shelf… maybe for the last time.”
“Who else do we have? Let’s see… oh yeah! Ultimo… Amarillo? No, that’s not right… Ultimo Basuro! No, no, it’s on the tip of my tongue… Ultimo Valiente! Right! So, another luchador comes in, does some flippy shit and the crowd goes wild for a few months before they move onto the next lucha of the month! There, folks, I just saved you a few months of having to watch this guy! No need to thank me. You’re another guy that I know nothing about. Let me guess, you do the shooting star presses and the dives and the dips and all of that shit that the internet geeks go crazy for? I’m not impressed, Mr. Valiente. You try any of that with me, you’ll see what happens. I don’t need to risk killing myself on a top rope tornado 360 degree moonfuckinator every week in order to be successful. All I need is my brains, my brawn and, of course, my beauty. So if you can actually flip your sorry ass over that rope and make my life a bit easier, that would be great! Gracias, amigo!”
“Emmanuelle… they call you the Platinum Standard. I never realized that the bar was so low that you were the Platinum Standard. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen what you do and it looks like you’re stiffer than Nick Knight after he takes his warm-up gas station blue pills! You can hit hard and drop people on their heads but simply put, you’re not going to be able to pull any of that shit with me. I’ve got the height and weight advantage on you, not to mention that I could wrestle circles, squares, triangles and goddamn hexagons around you if I wanted. I don’t need to hit you with a headbutt or a DDT, I just need to lift you up… up… and away! Then, as you soar across the top rope, for that split second when you feel like you’re flying, you should ask yourself… ‘How can I be the Standard if there’s someone who is demonstrably better than me?’. It’s a good question, Em, and don’t feel ashamed to admit that I am better than you. The last thing I want is for you to feel discouraged because you can’t keep up with me! Nobody can, you’re one among dozens. But… on the other hand, it does look pretty damn embarrassing for you, doesn’t it? I’d book the first plane back to Los Angeles and hope my family doesn’t disown me! I guess it’s a good thing I’m not you, though.”
“And… god… finally, we get to Frank Black. Good fucking lord, who signs these guys? Is it that four-eyed fuckhead, Cliff? Jesus H. Christ… okay, Frank Black. Some dumb hick who probably should have retired when he left this company way back when. Frank, I know you’re probably busy wrangling cattle or making out with your cousin or whatever you do back home, but I want you to listen closely. You do not belong here. You are not on my level, you will never be on my level. I know that you were a former tag team champion here, whoopty-fucking-do. I will make that redneck a broken neck. I will enjoy smashing your dreams and letting everyone see how much of a fucking sad sack you turn out to be.”
He checks the watch again before tapping it.
“Aaaaand… time! Well, that was almost fun! I think you all got the point. That Invictus Championship is coming right to where it should have been in the first place. Miss Calaway, don’t occupy yourself too much with your tag team match. I want you to be well aware that I’m coming for your championship whether you win those tag titles or not. When I win, you will hand me that Invictus title… out of nothing but respect.”
He flashes a smug grin before the camera fades out.
Well howdy there pardner.