Something in the Dark

[Dean Harper]

The Camera comes on to Dean sitting on the couch in what is clearly a new home with a couple different pictures in frames behind him, some of his time in the Pack, The Powers That Be and a few family pictures with Angel. In the middle is a picture of Damien Harper smiling wide while a wolf seems to be sleeping on his lap while he pets it.

“You know I used to think I was sort of cursed. Getting up the mountain, beating head and fucking over people to get the title match has never been an issue for me. Getting to the title shot were never where I had my troubles. I won most title shots I got. But keeping them?” Dean lets out a low whistle, “That’s where I get fucked. Not since The Man of Steel have I been able to hold the belts overly long. I used to think it was more bad luck.”

Dean shrugs sitting back against the couch, “But I get it now. I work best when I have to fight for it. When I’m convinced I don’t deserve it. When I feel like I have something to prove. I don’t believe the cheers. I don’t believe it when someone says they love me,” Dean fiddles with the wedding ring, “I work hard and I’ve always took too deep a breath of relief once I got there. Like getting the belt will somehow make everything better. That it will make me finally worthy. But nothing is ever going to make me worthy. What’s the saying? If you don’t love me at Borderline Personality Disorder you don’t deserve me at my mania? And you know what? Fuck it. I deserve the goddamn moon.”

“I didn’t underestimate Pax Stormcrow last time. I was quiet during the build up and I know that’s not my usual stance. It usually takes a hell of a lot to shut me the fuck up. But I think we can all understand why I didn’t. My Husband decided to ask for separation. Not an excuse. But Pax Stormcrow deserved something better from me then I could give at that time in our vocal play. And I had shit to say. All I had was some rage and depression.” Dean stretches out on the couch. “I don’t think I’ve ever sold Pax short. He’s always been better than he’s been given credit for. He has always fought for things that other people didn’t understand. He fought for his mother. To make her proud of him. To make his people have a positive role-model. That’s hero shit. He’s got the rage and the anger for sure, but he’s much better at handling it then I am.”

“He had that rage. The urge to prove people wrong. Everyone said he was going to choke. Everyone thought he would never get the belt. But here we are. He won that belt. Maybe not as clean as anyone wanted. My Daddy issues not with standing, I’d say that match still proved Pax has it in him to be the world champion. So you know what, I give my respect to Pax offering another shot at the gold for me. I wouldn’t have done it for him. But that’s why people love him. He’s that on coming storm and I’m a feral dog people keep wondering if I should be off my meds.” Dean laughs, “So when I say I respect you Pax, it’s not me buttery you up. It isn’t me trying to fuck you. This is just respect. You have my respect. … now will that stop me from beating your fucking skull into the mat until your legs twitch to get the title back? No. But hey, at least I don’t pretend to be something I’m not.”

---

It was temporary. Or at least at the beginning that’s what Dean had told himself it was.

“Daddy?” Damien looked up at Dean.

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“Being too weird for Warren. If he comes back I’ll change. I’ll be better. I’ll be normal. I know you’re sad and you miss him so I’ll–”

Dean turned hugging Damien close to him, “Shhh. There is nothing wrong with you, okay? You’re perfect just the way you are.”

“But-”

“Sometimes…people don’t like themselves so they try to change other people so they hate themselves too. But you know what this is for us?”

“What?”

“A second chance. You and me. We’re going to just be ourselves from now on. We’ll figure out who we are and what we want. And we’re gonna love ourselves. Because fuck them.”

“Fuck them?”

“Fuck anyone who says anything different. You’re a miracle, a blessing and anyone who can’t see you deserve the best isn’t worth either of your time, okay?”

“Does that mean you’ll start liking yourself too?”

“Let’s not get crazy.”

“Dad.”

“Fine, I’ll try.”

“Can we get super spooky for Halloween?”

“Would that help you feel better?”

“Yeah…also a dog.”

“We can do Halloween first. We’ll talk about the dog later.”

He had the money to afford to buy the house so he had. He could afford to make it the best house for Halloween and no one standing to the side second guessing whether a 12 foot skeleton and werewolf were really smart purchases. He and Damien had made the house look every bit the horror movie they could. Dean had unpacked his boxes, had hung up his pictures. He’d even organized the dvds. It was starting to feel more and more a home then the one he left. Damien certainly seemed to have started referring to this place as ‘home’ instead of asking when they were going back home it was now if Warren would be coming home.

It was a small thing but Dean enjoyed it. He’d taken Damien to all kinds of fun adventures since he’d been mostly off work. He had the money, he didn’t need to work and spending more time at home with his son while they both figured out what it meant to be just the two of them… it was a gift and he didn’t mind it. For the first time in years he had to actually deal with his own thoughts.

---

“So cousin, let’s be equal. You could have taken the deep cuts. You could have pulled out some of everyone’s favorite play book. But you came at me straight. God, do you know how long it’s been since someone did that? Devline. That was a ice cold shot to the heart, I’m not going to lie and say it didn’t shake me a little. No one talks to me like a man. If you weren’t as straight as the day is long I’d almost be sweet on you. But I’ve learned my lesson on straight boy crushes.” Dean winks, “So You got me down. You beat me. And not many in this company get to say that. That gives you bragging rights.”

“Most people forget my mother was first nation. Most people forget that I was raised poor and desperate. But you remembered. Because you did too. Your mother’s blood is more obvious. I’m white passing like a motherfucker. You got a melanin and the Rez support. Good.”

“Where I am the twisted monster from our ancestor’s stories… What happens when a village doesn’t raise a child but burns. How it comes back and brings things things in the woods that know your names. I am the plague. I am corruption. I am the cautionary tale. You are the good one. The brave warrior who goes out to the pitch black and fights the monster. The one whose ancestors recognize. The one who gets songs. The one who is held most high. They say your name in public and private as a war cry. My name is not spoken for I might find them.”

“Through a mirror darkly go I....”

Dean laughs, “How’s all that weight feel? I mean it can’t be easy. Carrying all those expectation. All those concerns about who you are seen with. It’s not just the tribe you got to get approval from. You got to get every indigenous person the good one. You have to be the OG. Not the guy in red face. Not the guy selling his heritage out for a cheap heat. Not the monster. Not the tag team lackey. You have to be the one true hero. You have to be the wolf. Shit, you have to be every hero ever. Warrior and peacekeeper both. The pressure has to be too much sometimes. It has to make some people distance themselves from you. The pressure, the spotlight is too much for some people.”

“That’s what they mean when they say it’s lonely at the top. Because people don’t like being watched. They don’t like the expectations. Have you been enjoying it? But I guess you really can’t. All the weight has to drag you down. Plus you have to be the best and brightest. No rest for the righteous. Me? Shit. No one expects shit from me. Well, okay they expect violence. Who the fuck is Dean Harper if he isn’t licking skulls and beating people to death in the name of someone else?”

“I’ve been trying to be my own man. And it’s fucking lonely, Pax. I mean, Damien has never been happier. But I want to hurt people. I can’t hold back, because holding back gets me jumped. Holding back disappoints people. Hurting people feels good. Hurting people makes all the bad thoughts quiet. I probably can’t change. Only two people have ever believed I could be better than what I am. Neither one liked it when I tried. But you…you’re still standing and keep getting up everyday making the choice to do it again. I don’t get it. But I respect it. Unlike other fake heroes, I believe you actually mean it. It’s not just empty words…you mean it. That’s rare. I know. I’ve faced a lot of fake heroes. I’ve beaten a lot of fake heroes. You have the home field advantage. You have the ability to stand at the edge of the firelight and keep me at bay. You are bigger. You are stronger. But you have to catch me first. You have to keep me down. Hell, I’ve got that hunger and that makes me twice as hard. Assuming Daddy will have someone else to bother so we can settle this like men. Or at least Hero to monster. I’d say may the best man win, but that would be you. So I’ll say it isn’t personal. I just have something to prove again.”