Being a Diamond: He's Back.

[Rob Diamond]

{ I’M BACK!!!!!!

AND I’M BADDAH THAN EVAH!!!!

I’M BACK!!!!!!!

AND I’M BEDDAH THAN CHEDDAH!!!!

That song sounds familiar, amirite?

Nevermind!

IT IS ME! THE GOAT! THE WARRIOR PRINCESS! THE BLOOD SOAKED CINDERELLA OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING! THE SULTAN OF SMUTT HIMSELF!

Rob mother fucking Diamond.

I know, I know. I’m narrating my own promo! It’s weird for me too but there is no way in hell I’m going to pay the asking fee of my brother’s best and only friend, Clarence. Dude’s prices are way too damn high and I refuse to pay him!

Unless this format falls flat on its face and then I will cough up the scratch and get Clarence in here to do what he does pretty ok. But until that time, probably my next match, you’ve got me here to tell you about all the things you can see with your eyes! And I’ll probably do it poorly! And I’ll probably leave out details! And I’ll probably forget to describe to you what I am wearing in the scene and you’re just going to have to not be lazy and use those beautiful orbs the creator gave you and look at something besides Tik Tok for ten whole minutes!

By the way. This is how sexy I’m looking today. }


”Boom.”

{ Goddamn I’m hot. I’d fuck me. I’d fuck me so goddamn hard.

BUT! How sexy I am is only part of what we are here to talk about boys, girls and all the lovely people in between that the media pretends to pander to while also exploiting you all to further their agendas and put money in their wallets.

Eat the rich.

Except me. I’m totes cool.

WE ARE HERE to talk about that dickless piece of human waste who I used to call my big brother. We are here to talk about - }


”Chris Diamond.”

{ Yup. }


”Chris, I’m gonna be honest man. I didn’t see that shit coming. I really didn’t. I know back when we were younger you really couldn’t stand me and I don’t blame you. I was an annoying little shit until about fourish years ago.”

“BUT! I thought we hit a turning point! I matured a bit, got a bit more tolerant, stopped listening exclusively to Rush Limbaugh and realized the world is a lot more nuanced than dick and fart jokes.”

“Tho, they’re still pretty funny sometimes.”

“But like I was saying I thought we turned a corner. You, me, Shelly, that other guy we used to chill with before he went and became a pimp. We had a good thing going. Remember that? The Work? We were kicking dicks and taking ass. Hell, we held some gold, won that big stable war match and then everything suddenly changed when I went down with an injury?”

“I don’t get it, bro.”

“We talked everyday. You checked in on me. You told me we were gonna rule the world when I got healthy. Then I get some bad news, you tell me you’re gonna support me, you’re gonna give me a shoulder to cry on while I give the worst medical update ever and what do you do?”

“BEAT MY ASS!?”

{ Not cool. Not cool at all. }


”To what? Put Chris Diamond on the map? You were already on the map! You were a tag team champion for a good run with the big guy! You got a couple shots at the TV title and I’m sure you’d get another one. You coulda been in the Heir or the Roulette or worked yourself into the Extinction Event. You didn’t need to beat my ass to get yourself over.”

“You’re over!”

“But ya did it anyways and chalked it all up to some bullshit that you always hated me? Come on, bro. We both know that shit isn’t true. Yeah, I was an annoying little brother for the first thirty two years but even you admitted once under your breath while no one was looking that you were proud of me and loved me.”

“I remember it like it was yesterday.”

{ We hard cut to me and Chris sitting on a park bench besides a beautiful pond. Chris is looking out into the distance while I’m is feeding those disgusting Canadian geese. Horrid fucking little monsters. }

”I love you, Rob, I’m proud of you.”

”Come again?”

”Go fuck yourself you little cunt stain.”

”YEAH! Bet you didn’t know I had a camera that day did you!? But the thing about me is I don’t go anywhere without a camera crew to record me just in case something interesting happens or I need to make a cute reference later down the line! For example!”

{Another hard cut but this time to the Diamond-Kane Family Estate. Me and Mama Kane are quietly eating dinner when I suddenly look up. }

”Should we fight?”

{ Mama looks up. }

”Why?”

”Cause I’m gonna wrestle again.”

{ Mama thinks about it for a sec. }

”Nah.”

”Really? You don’t wanna have a Rocky IV type fight where you warn me that Chris could kill me just like he killed my rival turned best friend, Apollo Creed?”

”Nope.”

”Why not?”

”Because if Chris does kill you in the ring then that gives me a real sick sympathy pop when I finally make my IWF debut. Think of all the Blood God promos I could cut about honoring your life!?”

”Fair enough.”

”SEE! I’ve always got those boys from production waiting in the wings to capture some magic!”

{ And to capture when the magic is made. }


”That’s how I know you’re full of shit, Chris! That’s how I know every single juvenile insult you’ve thrown my way is absolute empty bullshit! You’re just talking to hear yourself speak and get some of that sweet, sweet cheap heat. You’re the kind of asshole who talks about someone’s dead mom and thinks the crowd booing it is good shit, pal.”

“You’re a moron.”

“The only truthful thing you’ve said while I’ve been out busting my ass to get cleared is that you’re jealous of me. But you know what, Chris, you don’t have a right to be jealous of me! I put in the work! I busted my hump! I did everything and anything to get my name out there. While you were content diddling ring rats in the bathroom of whatever bar you wrestled in after PWW closed, I was in NCW doing every single stupid fucking thing they asked of me to get on TV!”

“Be Spike Kane’s young lion bitch?”

“Did it.”

“Make fun of a guy in a wheel chair so the boss and his piece of shit friends can have a laugh and then maybe they reward me with a murder at the hands of Gib?”

“Did it, and I’m still fucking sorry about it. To the man I am referencing, I’m sorry.”

“Make an absolute ass of myself with Steve Awesome for a number of years, say some of the most rotten, homophobic garbage they wanted me to say, perform like a puppet at the end of their strings?”

“I fucking did it with clenched teeth.”

“And by the end they couldn’t fucking deny me anymore and do you know what happened? I won their stupid fucking World Championship. Sure, I didn’t hold it long and my run wasn’t super legendary but I climbed the mountain. I got there. I did it and they could never take that accomplishment away from me. I earned that shit with every stupid joke, every back breaking performance, every second of humiliation. I earned it by out performing everyone in the ring night after night after night while doing whatever management said so they didn't blacklist me like they did Ace and Keeton.”

“I worked until the work was fucking done and they finally had to take me seriously and what were you doing during all of that?”

“No one fucking knows because no one fucking watched it!”

“Then I came to IWF and it was a breath of fresh air. I didn’t have to act like a circus clown to get Verona to allow me to be on the shows. Verona let me be me and I was. I was me all day everyday and this time? I ascended those ranks a hell of a lot faster. I have held damn near every title this company has ever had! I went from Spike’s side kick to a World Champion. I lead one of the best stables in the history of this company. I took James Gilmore and Steve Awesome and turned them into legitimate contenders and while one of them doesn’t talk to me anymore and has gone back to his homophobic friends?”

“James is still kicking ass and is an absolute legend.”

“AND WHERE WERE YOU!?”

“IWF has been here for ten goddamn years and you didn’t even try to get signed by the company. You think Verona didn’t ask about you in all that time? You think it was just when Shelly broke out that IWF suddenly cared about you? Nah, they fucking cared. They wanted to bring you in but everytime they looked into what you were up to it was you in some bar saying something incredibly offensive before you beat up someone in a one sided match from an under represented and under respected group of humanity.”

“Put a quarter in your ass, you played yourself.”

“But you know what, Chris? I went to Verona. I told him to give you a shot. I told him I would keep you on your best behavior and he should take a chance. I said you get good heat. I said people would pay to see you get what’s coming to you and he listened to me, Chris. Verona went against his better judgment and offered you the best contract of your life.”

“I took you from Hooters to the fucking Tokyo Dome you selfish son of a bitch.”

{ I know I don’t need to interrupt the flow here but I am mad if you can’t tell. }


”I DID THAT!”

“ME!”

“It wasn’t you for getting noticed as the guy who was the world champion in that company out of North Dakota that no one ever heard of. It wasn’t you slapping that stupid ass mask on and being the most homicidal man in professional wrestling and making them notice you. It wasn’t you doing a good goddamn thing on your own.”

“IT WAS ME!”

“If it wasn’t for me you’d still be wrestling for a hundred bucks a booking for North East Wrestling in the show opener against some absolute jagoff named Ron Zombie.”

“Yeah, he’s real, google him.”

“Just like it was me that got you your one and only shot in NCW that you absolutely pissed away by targeting the openly gay Kristoff Liam Bates.”

“Fucking love that dude.”

“You slapped on that Quiet Riot Halloween mask and tried to torture the gay out of KLB and despite the fact that Adam Knite and his family are the most racists and homophobic fuckers to have ever lived, they couldn’t have someone purposefully beating on an openly gay man because he’s gay even all the way back in 2011.”

“You played yourself, Chris.”

“And you always do. You told me as much. A little more history for the people at home. Chris wasn’t some big bad ass in that shithole of a company, PWW that he likes to call back to so much like anyone besides a handful of people even know what it is.”

“HE WAS A JOKE!”

“Yeah, he won their world title and he only held it for like thirty days a piece each time he held it. He got beat by a guy who called himself ADULTMAN and another dude who called himself TYRANT! The most generic names in all of professional wrestling besides MANIAC!”

“They laughed at his silly ass while he cussed his way through every promo. They laughed as he struggled to be the top guy in a company that clearly already hand picked their top guys. They laughed while he pissed and moaned and whined his way into title matches and even when he won a title, he couldn’t fucking keep it for more than a cup of coffee.”

“They laughed their asses off at him.”

“And look at you now! Twenty some odd years later and you’re still the same guy! You’re still coming out to the ring and effing and jeffing your way through a promo like it’s still edgy! Dude, do you have HBO? There’s a critically acclaimed television show all about teenagers fucking like rabbits and no one even questions if it counts as child porn because the actors portraying under age kids are actually of age!”

{ I can’t watch Euphoria, makes me feel dirty. }


”And you think your edge lord bullshit is still effective!? So you say something vaguely racist or sexist or out right transphobic to get some cheap heat but what you’re really doing is showing our fans how fucking pathetic you really are.”

“Even Howard Stern cleaned up his act because people just don’t find that shit funny anymore.”

“The whole fucking world has evolved past 1999 except for Chris Diamond and he’s mad because he isn’t as good as me. Well guess what, Chris?”

“You never put in the work.”

“I’m sorry, man. I said I’d be honest and I’m being honest. You never put in the work. Yeah, you did some shit, went some places but you never knuckled down and really grinded your way to the top of the card. You never really did what it took to make yourself the showcase of a company. You can talk the talk but you could never quite figure out how to walk.”

“And that’s my fault?”

“It’s my fault you’re too interested in drinking yourself to sleep every night? It’s my fault you never invested in yourself? It’s my fault that you only went to the gym three times a week instead of every single waking moment you could? It’s my fault you only know like a dozen wrestling moves and all of them are some played out big man maneuver that literally everyone in professional wrestling learned how to counter week two in training?”

“Exactly what is my fault, Chris?”

“WHAT!?”

“I wasn’t fucking happy with how I was treated in NCW. I wasn’t fucking happy with the shit they made me do and say. And I totally own I had a choice. I could’ve said no. I could’ve gone some place else. I could’ve been a better person but I was fucking hungry to succeed. And I’m still fucking hungry. And that’s not an excuse. I did and said some fucked up shit. It’s an explanation.”

“And I’ve worked five times as hard since then to make amends for my bullshit. I’ve gotten even hungrier. I’ve pushed myself farther. I’m ten times the wrestler I was ten years ago and one hundred times the man.”

“While you’ve stood stock still.”

“And now you’re jealous.”

“Well grow the fuck up, Chris. You’re damn near fifty years old and you know damn well, cause you remind us every three seconds, your career is almost over. GROW UP!”

“GROW THE FUCK UP!”

“Because you know what, Chris? We’ve all got a limited amount of time we can do what we love. The clock ticks down every single time we step into that ring. Any match, any opponent could be the last one. One wrong move, one bad bump and your career can be over like a Thanos snap. You’re not special, Chris. The only difference between you and every other person in the back is that you’ve avoided serious injury and made it to middle age.”

“You get to end your career, if you’re lucky, when and how you want to. Most of us? We won’t get that fucking choice. Spike didn’t. Gaither didn’t. Keeton didn’t. Falcon didn’t. All of them were taken out of the limelight way before their time and do you know why? They didn’t hold a goddamn thing back. They went all in in every situation. They put their bodies on the line to get just one step closer to where they wanted to be. They took risks.”

“While you worked three minute matches against trainees for twenty fucking years.”

“Until what? You try to end my career?”

“IT WAS OVER!”

“The doctors told me to wrap it up. They told me one more good boot to the head and maybe I don’t see my kids graduate high school. I was done, out, ready to do special appearances or commentary or whatever until I was dead.”

“And then you went and tried to take that away from me. You tried to rob me of a healthy retirement. You tried to make it so my kids grew up with a fucking vegetable.”

“You fucked up, Chris.”

“Yeah, the docs told me to retire, they gave me the warning but at the end of the day, after all your bullshit, they fucking cleared me to compete. So you fucking failed just like you always do in the end and now? Now I’m going to do to you what you tried to do to me.”

“I’m going to take away the twilight of your career.”

“Loser leaves professional wrestling forever.”

“You will never wrestle again.”

“You will never sign an autograph again.”

“You will never stand near a wrestling ring again.”

“You can’t write an autobiography.”

“You can’t do a podcast.”

“You will be barred from ever doing anything that is even vaguely related to professional wrestling.”

“I’m gonna do that to you.”

“And I’m gonna love every single goddamn second of it.”

“And if you ain’t down with that then I’ve only got two words for ya.”