Post by Rob Diamond on Dec 29, 2023 20:26:49 GMT
{ Come one! Come all and welcome to a world of pure imagination!
A world where all the eye can see is edible candy and children mysteriously disappear and no one seems to care!
A world where everyone and I mean everyone has a chance to taste my pixie stick, if you know what I mean!
That’s right! I am here to proudly present to you another edition of Being a Diamond with me! Myself as the official narrator and this week is a big week! Then again, it’s always sort of a big week when you step into the ring when you think about it. One wrong move can end a career and it doesn’t matter who the opponent is.
I’m getting real deep there, aren’t I? Well I got real deep with your Dad last night!
Shnoogins.
Anyway! I’m getting ready for a big, big challenge, a challenge unlike any challenge I have ever faced before, a challenge so great that I am going to skip the opening introduction and get right down to the character development section of my promo I know you have all been waiting for.
ACTION! }
A world where all the eye can see is edible candy and children mysteriously disappear and no one seems to care!
A world where everyone and I mean everyone has a chance to taste my pixie stick, if you know what I mean!
That’s right! I am here to proudly present to you another edition of Being a Diamond with me! Myself as the official narrator and this week is a big week! Then again, it’s always sort of a big week when you step into the ring when you think about it. One wrong move can end a career and it doesn’t matter who the opponent is.
I’m getting real deep there, aren’t I? Well I got real deep with your Dad last night!
Shnoogins.
Anyway! I’m getting ready for a big, big challenge, a challenge unlike any challenge I have ever faced before, a challenge so great that I am going to skip the opening introduction and get right down to the character development section of my promo I know you have all been waiting for.
ACTION! }
{ We transition to a Doctor’s office where Rob Diamond is currently face down, ass up wearing nothing but a hospital gown and his golden brown eye making eye contact with the fluorescent lights above. He waits patiently as the door opens. }
*CREEEEEEEEEK*
“Mr. Diamond?”
”Actually I told the nurse my pronouns are just Diamond.”
“Understood, my apologies.”
”No biggie.”
“So what are we seeing you for today?”
{ The Doctor checks his notes. }
“Ah, yes.”
{ He then walks over to a cupboard and pulls out a comically large needle with the word “STEROIDS” written down the side of it. }
“Are you ready?”
”I’m ready to do anything just to bulk up enough to beat my next opponent, Rasputin Rost. CURSED ALLITERATION!”
“Whatever, as long as your card clears.”
{ The Doctor does that thing Doctors do before injecting a needle, I think it’s to drive any air out and then he proceeds to aim it directly for Rob’s anus. }
”I don’t think that’s where that gO-ES!”
{ And scene. }
*CREEEEEEEEEK*
“Mr. Diamond?”
”Actually I told the nurse my pronouns are just Diamond.”
“Understood, my apologies.”
”No biggie.”
“So what are we seeing you for today?”
{ The Doctor checks his notes. }
“Ah, yes.”
{ He then walks over to a cupboard and pulls out a comically large needle with the word “STEROIDS” written down the side of it. }
“Are you ready?”
”I’m ready to do anything just to bulk up enough to beat my next opponent, Rasputin Rost. CURSED ALLITERATION!”
“Whatever, as long as your card clears.”
{ The Doctor does that thing Doctors do before injecting a needle, I think it’s to drive any air out and then he proceeds to aim it directly for Rob’s anus. }
”I don’t think that’s where that gO-ES!”
{ And scene. }
{ That’s right! I’m willing to do anything to win this next match including taking 6 quarts of steroids straight up the pooper! And with that said it’s time to introduce my handsome self. }
”Sup.”
{ There I am! My brand new muscles damn near ripping through your television screen slash computer monitor slash cell phone screen! I look like an even sexier She-Hulk if you can believe that! And by God was she sexy. Made me moist in all the right places. }
”So I went to the doctor the other day to get a shot of the roids but it turns out TYTUS ALREADY TOOK THEM ALL!!!!!”
{ BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I AM SO FUNNY!!!! }
”Rumor has it Tytus picked up a turtle neck to wear to a nondenominational holiday party and by the time he got it on IT WAS A TANK TOP!”
{ I don’t get it. }
”Tytus Rost’s penis is so small from steroid abuse that he tried to get gender transition surgery and the doctor said HE DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH TO WORK WITH!!!!”
{ I give myself a 5 out of 10. }
”Look, I’m sorry. It’s low hanging fruit but when the fruit looks like it took all the PED’s on Angel’s blue Earth it’s kinda hard not to make fun of. I mean, my man, your veins have muscles you’re so juiced up. I’m almost afraid to wrestle you because if one of those water balloons you call biceps ruptures I might get a small dick from being in the blast zone!”
{ You might think I’m not taking this match seriously. And you’d be right. }
”I mean, let’s be honest with each other here, Tytus, you can’t even bend over to tie your own shoes anymore let alone get one of those mits you call hands around my neck. You’ve probably had an itch you can’t scratch between your shoulder blades for the last five years, probably why you’re so pissy all the time too.”
{ You ever see a guy like Tytus at the gym and wonder how they function anywhere that doesn’t involve picking something up and then putting it back down? }
”I’m just saying, it’s hard to be worried about how this match is going to go down when you can’t even turn your head to parallel park let alone fit in a standard vehicle. Side note, is it true all the ladies call you the roided up train who couldn’t?”
{ I promise at some point I’ll stop roasting him and actually cut an impassioned promo. Eventually. }
”Your the guy at the gym who slams his weights because you can’t bend over to put them back, aren’t you?”
{ I hate those guys. }
”Also, ever hear of leg day? It’s that day inbetween back and bi’s and chest and tri’s where you exercise those shaky little things you use to walk around. Your more torso than man at this point! Like a super veiny Mr. Potato Head! I’m almost worried a strong wind would send you rolling away. Must be how Warren beat you.”
{ Shhh, if you say Warren’s name three times he will appear before you trying to start a sexual relationship. SHIT! That’s two! }
”Alright, alright, all kidding aside. I’m sure you’re a big mean Russian guy who is going to threaten to kick my ass or whatever it is you Reds say.”
{ Reds? Is that offensive or is it still cool to hate Russia? They’re mostly white and male, it’s probably fine. }
”Probably throw on one of those adorable little hats and cut a promo from somewhere super cold while standing on top of tank too…”
{ Wait a second. }
”Sup.”
{ There I am! My brand new muscles damn near ripping through your television screen slash computer monitor slash cell phone screen! I look like an even sexier She-Hulk if you can believe that! And by God was she sexy. Made me moist in all the right places. }
”So I went to the doctor the other day to get a shot of the roids but it turns out TYTUS ALREADY TOOK THEM ALL!!!!!”
{ BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I AM SO FUNNY!!!! }
”Rumor has it Tytus picked up a turtle neck to wear to a nondenominational holiday party and by the time he got it on IT WAS A TANK TOP!”
{ I don’t get it. }
”Tytus Rost’s penis is so small from steroid abuse that he tried to get gender transition surgery and the doctor said HE DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH TO WORK WITH!!!!”
{ I give myself a 5 out of 10. }
”Look, I’m sorry. It’s low hanging fruit but when the fruit looks like it took all the PED’s on Angel’s blue Earth it’s kinda hard not to make fun of. I mean, my man, your veins have muscles you’re so juiced up. I’m almost afraid to wrestle you because if one of those water balloons you call biceps ruptures I might get a small dick from being in the blast zone!”
{ You might think I’m not taking this match seriously. And you’d be right. }
”I mean, let’s be honest with each other here, Tytus, you can’t even bend over to tie your own shoes anymore let alone get one of those mits you call hands around my neck. You’ve probably had an itch you can’t scratch between your shoulder blades for the last five years, probably why you’re so pissy all the time too.”
{ You ever see a guy like Tytus at the gym and wonder how they function anywhere that doesn’t involve picking something up and then putting it back down? }
”I’m just saying, it’s hard to be worried about how this match is going to go down when you can’t even turn your head to parallel park let alone fit in a standard vehicle. Side note, is it true all the ladies call you the roided up train who couldn’t?”
{ I promise at some point I’ll stop roasting him and actually cut an impassioned promo. Eventually. }
”Your the guy at the gym who slams his weights because you can’t bend over to put them back, aren’t you?”
{ I hate those guys. }
”Also, ever hear of leg day? It’s that day inbetween back and bi’s and chest and tri’s where you exercise those shaky little things you use to walk around. Your more torso than man at this point! Like a super veiny Mr. Potato Head! I’m almost worried a strong wind would send you rolling away. Must be how Warren beat you.”
{ Shhh, if you say Warren’s name three times he will appear before you trying to start a sexual relationship. SHIT! That’s two! }
”Alright, alright, all kidding aside. I’m sure you’re a big mean Russian guy who is going to threaten to kick my ass or whatever it is you Reds say.”
{ Reds? Is that offensive or is it still cool to hate Russia? They’re mostly white and male, it’s probably fine. }
”Probably throw on one of those adorable little hats and cut a promo from somewhere super cold while standing on top of tank too…”
{ Wait a second. }
{ We cut to somewhere really cold with me standing on top of a tank complete with one of those adorable little hats. }
”I WILL CRUSH YOU!!!!!”
{ And scene! }
”I WILL CRUSH YOU!!!!!”
{ And scene! }
{ I’m awesome. }
”Here’s the thing, big man professional wrestling went out with the eighties. You guys are too big, too slow and just too damn bulky to do anything. Your only skill is throwing people around like their weighted sacks. But that implies me giving you that opportunity and while normally I’m not opposed to having a man’s hands all over me, I’m just not that attracted to you.”
{ We shrug. }
”If I wanted to bang a brick wall there’s a perfectly good one right over there.”
{ We point off screen. }
”And to be real honest, Tyt, can I call you Tyt? You being the last roid on the ass of professional wrestling is why you’ll always be the challenger and not the champion. People like you just don’t rise to the top when paired off against people like me. Sure, chuck you in the ring with someone your own size and you’re probably as agile as a luchador compared to them. But against me? Someone who can fully turn my head from one side to another? Someone so Angel damned limber I can toss my own salad if the need ever came up?”
“You don’t stand a chance.”
“You're like a Wooly mammoth at the the end of the ice age. Too big, slow and dumb to avoid your own extinction. And me? I’m like whatever animal we evolved from that adapted to its surroundings. I’m like a panther! A sex panther!”
{ That analogy worked at the beginning then petered out toward the end. But I still like it. }
”Let me break it down for you like this, Tyt. I’m an actual professional wrestler who can actually professionally wrestle and you? You’re just a walking, talking mound of human flesh and muscle who happens to be slightly athletic. If this were pro football? I’m sure you’d be a specimen to behold but in the ring? You’re just a big freaking target.”
{ I’m shocked he has enough brain left to talk after all those steroid injections. }
”Yeah, you’ve got your big meaty, manly muscles but those beasts need a lot of oxygen to function. Meaning, you’ve got the stamina of a Clydesdale in the Kentucky Derby. Sure, you can pull a Budweiser cart a few feet like a champion but you’ve got nothing in the tank after the first few minutes. Me? I’m built like two jack rabbits with ADD humping their brains out. I can wrestle for days!”
{ Don’t believe me? My hotel room is 1408. }
”And I’m sorry if this is all news to you, brother. I’m sure when you were a little Ruski you saw Bulk Bogan slam Fezzik at Wrestlegasm 3 and figured you could do that too! But the sport has evolved, big man. Being big only gets ya so far, as you’ve found out oh so recently. You need a swiss army knife of skills to make it to the top of the mountain, ya can’t just be big no more.”
{ Hulk sad. }
”Look, I’m not trying to say you aren’t talented. Clearly you’ve got some level of skill to make it as far as you have. I’m just saying you don’t got what it takes to reach the next level. Look at the people who’ve made it in IWF. Look at the skills they have in common. How many of them can say they’ve been mistaken for the Berlin Wall?”
“None.”
“And that’s what separates you from us. You’ll always be that big guy who looks larger than life but once you’re down in the trenches? You just can’t match up. You don’t have the speed, the stamina, the skills to go hold for hold with the best professional wrestlers on the planet. Namely, me. Because my whole thing is to just out wrestle whoever the hell I’m in the ring with. I’m the certified Princess of professional wrestling. The Geisha of Grappling. The Lady Gaga of another wrestling word that starts with G!”
{ Grappling? }
”I’m gonna be coming at you like Nighthawk without all the sexual frustration!”
{ I wonder if the feds ever caught up with him? He just seems like the kinda guy who would touch a kid. Like a real Joe Biden type but somehow creepier and fully in control of his faculties. }
”Just twisting your ass up like a couple oversized sausage links!”
{ Well that is more like a sexually frustrated Nighthawk. }
”And maybe if you’re real lucky I’ll stretch you the fuck out!”
{ I don’t know if that came off as threatening as I meant it to. }
”Then ya can stick your head between legs and-”
”Here’s the thing, big man professional wrestling went out with the eighties. You guys are too big, too slow and just too damn bulky to do anything. Your only skill is throwing people around like their weighted sacks. But that implies me giving you that opportunity and while normally I’m not opposed to having a man’s hands all over me, I’m just not that attracted to you.”
{ We shrug. }
”If I wanted to bang a brick wall there’s a perfectly good one right over there.”
{ We point off screen. }
”And to be real honest, Tyt, can I call you Tyt? You being the last roid on the ass of professional wrestling is why you’ll always be the challenger and not the champion. People like you just don’t rise to the top when paired off against people like me. Sure, chuck you in the ring with someone your own size and you’re probably as agile as a luchador compared to them. But against me? Someone who can fully turn my head from one side to another? Someone so Angel damned limber I can toss my own salad if the need ever came up?”
“You don’t stand a chance.”
“You're like a Wooly mammoth at the the end of the ice age. Too big, slow and dumb to avoid your own extinction. And me? I’m like whatever animal we evolved from that adapted to its surroundings. I’m like a panther! A sex panther!”
{ That analogy worked at the beginning then petered out toward the end. But I still like it. }
”Let me break it down for you like this, Tyt. I’m an actual professional wrestler who can actually professionally wrestle and you? You’re just a walking, talking mound of human flesh and muscle who happens to be slightly athletic. If this were pro football? I’m sure you’d be a specimen to behold but in the ring? You’re just a big freaking target.”
{ I’m shocked he has enough brain left to talk after all those steroid injections. }
”Yeah, you’ve got your big meaty, manly muscles but those beasts need a lot of oxygen to function. Meaning, you’ve got the stamina of a Clydesdale in the Kentucky Derby. Sure, you can pull a Budweiser cart a few feet like a champion but you’ve got nothing in the tank after the first few minutes. Me? I’m built like two jack rabbits with ADD humping their brains out. I can wrestle for days!”
{ Don’t believe me? My hotel room is 1408. }
”And I’m sorry if this is all news to you, brother. I’m sure when you were a little Ruski you saw Bulk Bogan slam Fezzik at Wrestlegasm 3 and figured you could do that too! But the sport has evolved, big man. Being big only gets ya so far, as you’ve found out oh so recently. You need a swiss army knife of skills to make it to the top of the mountain, ya can’t just be big no more.”
{ Hulk sad. }
”Look, I’m not trying to say you aren’t talented. Clearly you’ve got some level of skill to make it as far as you have. I’m just saying you don’t got what it takes to reach the next level. Look at the people who’ve made it in IWF. Look at the skills they have in common. How many of them can say they’ve been mistaken for the Berlin Wall?”
“None.”
“And that’s what separates you from us. You’ll always be that big guy who looks larger than life but once you’re down in the trenches? You just can’t match up. You don’t have the speed, the stamina, the skills to go hold for hold with the best professional wrestlers on the planet. Namely, me. Because my whole thing is to just out wrestle whoever the hell I’m in the ring with. I’m the certified Princess of professional wrestling. The Geisha of Grappling. The Lady Gaga of another wrestling word that starts with G!”
{ Grappling? }
”I’m gonna be coming at you like Nighthawk without all the sexual frustration!”
{ I wonder if the feds ever caught up with him? He just seems like the kinda guy who would touch a kid. Like a real Joe Biden type but somehow creepier and fully in control of his faculties. }
”Just twisting your ass up like a couple oversized sausage links!”
{ Well that is more like a sexually frustrated Nighthawk. }
”And maybe if you’re real lucky I’ll stretch you the fuck out!”
{ I don’t know if that came off as threatening as I meant it to. }
”Then ya can stick your head between legs and-”
{ Diagonal scene swipe to the Kane-Diamond manner or whatever I called it last time. Mama is in the middle of her cardio routine, training for the debut that will never come when I walk into the room looking more jacked than Arnie when he shows up naked in the Terminator. }
”What the fuck?”
”Me big. Me strong.”
{ I flex my fabulously oversized muscles. }
”Is this some sort of skit?”
”Gym is life. Gym is the way.”
{ Mama rolls her eyes at this incredibly well thought out skit. }
”Is this really the best you could come up with?”
”Rob smash!”
{ I pick up a five pound dumbbell and chuck it because I’m strong! }
”Right…”
{ AND SCENE! }
”What the fuck?”
”Me big. Me strong.”
{ I flex my fabulously oversized muscles. }
”Is this some sort of skit?”
”Gym is life. Gym is the way.”
{ Mama rolls her eyes at this incredibly well thought out skit. }
”Is this really the best you could come up with?”
”Rob smash!”
{ I pick up a five pound dumbbell and chuck it because I’m strong! }
”Right…”
{ AND SCENE! }
Well howdy there pardner.