Post by Serenity Holmes on Jan 7, 2024 16:35:57 GMT
I'm not one to sit in front of a mirror and reflect on what I've done. I've been a laughing stock publicly and personally. Maybe the truth is that I've been so deluded in my world that reality was waiting for its killing joke...and I was the punchline.
"I think I want to stop being this."
Her hand waved towards her chest as she sat on the couch in the office of Dr. Nolawitz, a psychiatrist and therapist, near her home in Houston, fiddling with her thumbs on her knees. The modernized office is plastered with her array of degrees earned from multiple college institutions with a sheik design of Greek-inspired decor. However, the only thing out of place was Serenity, who hunched forward with her hands clasped, uneasy about her current predicament.
"I want to stop making excuses as to why I've never been seen again in this job. Everywhere career or employment I've had, I've always been the best, and for the first time, I'm not that. I'm regular like everyone else. I'm not regular. I'm special. I know that."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?!"
Her voice boomed across the office, but the psychiatrist remained composed, watching Serenity's anger explode. Serenity shrugged back into the soft couch and folded her arms, trying her best not to lose her cool.
"Everyone knows I'm one of the best, so why can't I do this? Yes, I've made mistakes and been pushing myself way harder to the point I've suffered, but I've returned. I've done everything to earn their respect back."
It's earned, not given, nor taken.
No matter how often we try to convince ourselves otherwise, respect will never be given nor taken; it must be earned. I lost respect for myself long ago and shamed IWF, who went out of their way to recruit me. I've spat in their faces with my shenanigans and indeed left them high and dry, but all this time, they still cared. It means a lot; they've earned my respect, which is why this match is crucial.
For all the other women in this match? I know you'll spend time trying to convince everyone who you are or why you're the next big thing, but what is your purpose?
I've hit rock bottom since coming here. I needed to be humbled. I needed to be shown there is much more danger on the other side of the road.
IWF showed me that, and I crashed hard.
Not anymore. I'm tired of crashing. I want to be in the driver's seat.
Has any of you ever experienced that?
No.
You wouldn't. I know many of you would crumble, hence why this opportunity came as a golden light at the end of the tunnel for you. For some, it means a chance to evolve into a higher plane of existence in this company, but for me, it's a chance to show that I am still here and the benchmark of this division. Out of every name listed in this match, the one with absolute uncertainty is me because everyone asks where Serenity Holmes lies. Who is Serenity Holmes, and does she still have what it takes to be the best?
I know I have what it takes. I've been there before and again. Even though I am the odd one out, I'm willing to surpass all of you.
Funny. Serenity Holmes is an outsider to this group who has battled many times under the IWF. However, that means only one thing: a target on my back. I want you all to understand what the actual narrative is here.
Shea O'Hara, Zasshu II, Virginia Stepanov, and Charlotte Shimizu. Yes. All these women you've seen before and watched battle against each other, yet the one name you're curious about is Serenity Holmes. There are many questions, controversies, and drama around that name, but what separates that name from everyone else?
It is the most known.
Despite my absence in IWF and being the outsider, I am the ultimate insider regarding that ring. I am the one to make the waves change, the one to make the atmosphere more tense, and I have the talent to outshine all these women combined, but this is much more than that.
It's much more than winning a match and earning a championship opportunity. It's about coming to reality that I need to start from scratch again, and we all know what happens when I have nothing to lose.
"No. If that's what you're asking, I haven't earned my self-respect back; I don't know when I lost it, but I know it's gone. I want it back, and I'm trying hard not to lose it again. The biggest pain was looking at myself in the mirror and not even seeing myself. I want it to stop."
Serenity pulled a strand of hair behind her right ear and crossed her legs, resting her tied hands on her knee. She bit her lip and fought against the tears building in her eyes until her eyebrows perched, letting them flow down their cheeks. Serenity pulled a piece of tissue from the box beside her and dried her cheeks. She took a deep breath and looked at the psychiatrist, nodding.
"I'm so tired of feeling powerless from people making fun of me, talking about my dead mom, me being drunk; I'm just sick of it. I want to wrestle again; what is wrong with that? No more stereotypes or personal things. I want to fight, yet I am ready to lash out at any moment. I don't know how to shake this feeling!"
"Please tell me how to stop it."
She leaned forward, desperately wanting the answer.
"How do I stop feeling like this? Please help me..."
"Yes."
Why should I? Serenity Holmes is the most insufferable person in this entire industry. Let's look at my progress in IWF...
There isn't any. I've been made a fool and humbled by Tara Docherty and couldn't even get past Emmanuelle. Everything about me has been a hype train derailed from the tracks, which means you're all seeing Serenity Holmes, who may be past her prime. Go ahead, make fun of how I became an alcoholic, how my relationships have been publicized, and how IWF went out of its way to recruit me, but all I've been is a broom in the janitor's closet waiting to be picked. I've been nothing but a placeholder when I should have been the IWF Women's World Champion.
And whose fault is that?
Mine.
I am the architect of my downfall. I am the woman who defeated Serenity Holmes out of her meteoric rise. When I decided to act like a raging child and ruin friendships and the relationship with my family and drunkenly lose business opportunities, yes, I did that. Who was responsible for my downfall? Me.
I am sorry to IWF. I am so sorry for wasting all the opportunities and time invested in me. You believed in me when I didn't, and you still do, so I apologize.
I am sorry to myself. I hurt myself more than anyone has, but no one can hurt us like we hurt ourselves. I've suffered for so long, and the person who could have stopped it was me, but I allowed myself to fall deeper into the hole where everything became nothing but pitch-black darkness.
You can only blame others and so much. It's you who has to look at yourself and come to grips that you are the problem. I know you guys wouldn't understand because our egos are so high, but there's always that come-to-Jesus meeting, which happened to me. I did this to myself, and I am so sorry.
Funny, right?
The woman who is the best in this match is apologizing, but I'm not sorry for what I will do to all of you. I'm not apologizing for letting you all grow on the edge of my name when I could have come back to press the killswitch on your careers. My name matters despite being away and letting you all falter like headless chickens in the Heir to the Throne tournament because this match is a second chance when it's my LAST chance to prove I can be a world champion in a company such as this.
I don't want your pity or your sympathy.
I damn sure don't need your respect.
I've tasted being a world champion but have been slammed to rock bottom. On the other hand, I'm loving every second of coming back into that ring. I've felt the pain of losing, and now I need to smell the aroma of winning. Every single one of you has had that opportunity to evolve but has failed in every way. Unlike me, I've evolved to the point that IWF believes in me, which means I cannot disappoint them.
You all disgust me. I've suffered while you were busy brawling like idiots and scrambling around in your irrelevant conversations, wondering in your mind if you're ready to become the next IWF Women's World Champion that when you see the contract hanging above the ring, you'll climb that ladder and fall off knowing you couldn't even make it past the first step.
But I've been at the top of the ladder, and I fell off. I'm not falling anymore. At this moment, I rise. I rise back to where I should have been and turn the dark horse into the white stallion when I climb above you all, sit at the top of the ladder, and hold that golden ticket to Olympus again.
Serenity Holmes is back in the Imperial Wrestling Federation, but my return will be as if I've never left. I'm picking up the slack you laid and the dirty laundry you left on my floor. Thanks to all of you, I left my house to handle my affairs and returned to it a complete mess.
Well, Mother has come home, and she's disappointed.
Do you want to talk about sacrifice and how diamonds are forever? I saw the pressure you all went through, and you became coal. I went through my pressure, and I'm still the diamond shining in the ashes of all your failures.
Stay away from wanting to be the next world champion.
That right belongs to me.
I may have been gone for a long time, but I'm more remembered than you combined.
History is my specialty.
"No. I never apologized. I can count how many times I've had to apologize in one finger my entire life but never to myself."
She let her head down and sighed again. The session had been fruitful in breakthroughs and epiphanies but uneasy tension for Serenity. On the other hand, the psychiatrist noticed the time on the clock above the door and put her pencil on her notepad beside her chair.
Serenity stood up from the couch and wrapped her leather jacket on her body before shaking the right hand of her psychiatrist. She walked to the door but heard a noise as she grasped the handle to look over her shoulder at her doctor.
"What?"
Serenity's eyes widened at the mention of her past, and she chuckled nervously.
"I don't think we should. I've already dealt with it enough. I want to let it go."
"Don't you ever say her name?"
ACCOUNTABILITY.
Okay, Serenity. Why are you here?
"I think I want to stop being this."
Her hand waved towards her chest as she sat on the couch in the office of Dr. Nolawitz, a psychiatrist and therapist, near her home in Houston, fiddling with her thumbs on her knees. The modernized office is plastered with her array of degrees earned from multiple college institutions with a sheik design of Greek-inspired decor. However, the only thing out of place was Serenity, who hunched forward with her hands clasped, uneasy about her current predicament.
What do you mean?
"I want to stop making excuses as to why I've never been seen again in this job. Everywhere career or employment I've had, I've always been the best, and for the first time, I'm not that. I'm regular like everyone else. I'm not regular. I'm special. I know that."
Unique in your eyes or someone else's?
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?!"
Her voice boomed across the office, but the psychiatrist remained composed, watching Serenity's anger explode. Serenity shrugged back into the soft couch and folded her arms, trying her best not to lose her cool.
"Everyone knows I'm one of the best, so why can't I do this? Yes, I've made mistakes and been pushing myself way harder to the point I've suffered, but I've returned. I've done everything to earn their respect back."
But did you earn yours?
RESPECT.
It's earned, not given, nor taken.
No matter how often we try to convince ourselves otherwise, respect will never be given nor taken; it must be earned. I lost respect for myself long ago and shamed IWF, who went out of their way to recruit me. I've spat in their faces with my shenanigans and indeed left them high and dry, but all this time, they still cared. It means a lot; they've earned my respect, which is why this match is crucial.
For all the other women in this match? I know you'll spend time trying to convince everyone who you are or why you're the next big thing, but what is your purpose?
I've hit rock bottom since coming here. I needed to be humbled. I needed to be shown there is much more danger on the other side of the road.
IWF showed me that, and I crashed hard.
Not anymore. I'm tired of crashing. I want to be in the driver's seat.
Has any of you ever experienced that?
No.
You wouldn't. I know many of you would crumble, hence why this opportunity came as a golden light at the end of the tunnel for you. For some, it means a chance to evolve into a higher plane of existence in this company, but for me, it's a chance to show that I am still here and the benchmark of this division. Out of every name listed in this match, the one with absolute uncertainty is me because everyone asks where Serenity Holmes lies. Who is Serenity Holmes, and does she still have what it takes to be the best?
I know I have what it takes. I've been there before and again. Even though I am the odd one out, I'm willing to surpass all of you.
Funny. Serenity Holmes is an outsider to this group who has battled many times under the IWF. However, that means only one thing: a target on my back. I want you all to understand what the actual narrative is here.
Shea O'Hara, Zasshu II, Virginia Stepanov, and Charlotte Shimizu. Yes. All these women you've seen before and watched battle against each other, yet the one name you're curious about is Serenity Holmes. There are many questions, controversies, and drama around that name, but what separates that name from everyone else?
It is the most known.
Despite my absence in IWF and being the outsider, I am the ultimate insider regarding that ring. I am the one to make the waves change, the one to make the atmosphere more tense, and I have the talent to outshine all these women combined, but this is much more than that.
It's much more than winning a match and earning a championship opportunity. It's about coming to reality that I need to start from scratch again, and we all know what happens when I have nothing to lose.
BREAKTHROUGH.
"No. If that's what you're asking, I haven't earned my self-respect back; I don't know when I lost it, but I know it's gone. I want it back, and I'm trying hard not to lose it again. The biggest pain was looking at myself in the mirror and not even seeing myself. I want it to stop."
Serenity pulled a strand of hair behind her right ear and crossed her legs, resting her tied hands on her knee. She bit her lip and fought against the tears building in her eyes until her eyebrows perched, letting them flow down their cheeks. Serenity pulled a piece of tissue from the box beside her and dried her cheeks. She took a deep breath and looked at the psychiatrist, nodding.
"I'm so tired of feeling powerless from people making fun of me, talking about my dead mom, me being drunk; I'm just sick of it. I want to wrestle again; what is wrong with that? No more stereotypes or personal things. I want to fight, yet I am ready to lash out at any moment. I don't know how to shake this feeling!"
"Please tell me how to stop it."
She leaned forward, desperately wanting the answer.
"How do I stop feeling like this? Please help me..."
You said you've apologized, right?
"Yes."
Have you ever apologized to yourself?
APOLOGY.
Why should I? Serenity Holmes is the most insufferable person in this entire industry. Let's look at my progress in IWF...
There isn't any. I've been made a fool and humbled by Tara Docherty and couldn't even get past Emmanuelle. Everything about me has been a hype train derailed from the tracks, which means you're all seeing Serenity Holmes, who may be past her prime. Go ahead, make fun of how I became an alcoholic, how my relationships have been publicized, and how IWF went out of its way to recruit me, but all I've been is a broom in the janitor's closet waiting to be picked. I've been nothing but a placeholder when I should have been the IWF Women's World Champion.
And whose fault is that?
Mine.
I am the architect of my downfall. I am the woman who defeated Serenity Holmes out of her meteoric rise. When I decided to act like a raging child and ruin friendships and the relationship with my family and drunkenly lose business opportunities, yes, I did that. Who was responsible for my downfall? Me.
I am sorry to IWF. I am so sorry for wasting all the opportunities and time invested in me. You believed in me when I didn't, and you still do, so I apologize.
I am sorry to myself. I hurt myself more than anyone has, but no one can hurt us like we hurt ourselves. I've suffered for so long, and the person who could have stopped it was me, but I allowed myself to fall deeper into the hole where everything became nothing but pitch-black darkness.
You can only blame others and so much. It's you who has to look at yourself and come to grips that you are the problem. I know you guys wouldn't understand because our egos are so high, but there's always that come-to-Jesus meeting, which happened to me. I did this to myself, and I am so sorry.
Funny, right?
The woman who is the best in this match is apologizing, but I'm not sorry for what I will do to all of you. I'm not apologizing for letting you all grow on the edge of my name when I could have come back to press the killswitch on your careers. My name matters despite being away and letting you all falter like headless chickens in the Heir to the Throne tournament because this match is a second chance when it's my LAST chance to prove I can be a world champion in a company such as this.
I don't want your pity or your sympathy.
I damn sure don't need your respect.
I've tasted being a world champion but have been slammed to rock bottom. On the other hand, I'm loving every second of coming back into that ring. I've felt the pain of losing, and now I need to smell the aroma of winning. Every single one of you has had that opportunity to evolve but has failed in every way. Unlike me, I've evolved to the point that IWF believes in me, which means I cannot disappoint them.
You all disgust me. I've suffered while you were busy brawling like idiots and scrambling around in your irrelevant conversations, wondering in your mind if you're ready to become the next IWF Women's World Champion that when you see the contract hanging above the ring, you'll climb that ladder and fall off knowing you couldn't even make it past the first step.
But I've been at the top of the ladder, and I fell off. I'm not falling anymore. At this moment, I rise. I rise back to where I should have been and turn the dark horse into the white stallion when I climb above you all, sit at the top of the ladder, and hold that golden ticket to Olympus again.
Serenity Holmes is back in the Imperial Wrestling Federation, but my return will be as if I've never left. I'm picking up the slack you laid and the dirty laundry you left on my floor. Thanks to all of you, I left my house to handle my affairs and returned to it a complete mess.
Well, Mother has come home, and she's disappointed.
Do you want to talk about sacrifice and how diamonds are forever? I saw the pressure you all went through, and you became coal. I went through my pressure, and I'm still the diamond shining in the ashes of all your failures.
Stay away from wanting to be the next world champion.
That right belongs to me.
I may have been gone for a long time, but I'm more remembered than you combined.
History is my specialty.
TIME.
"No. I never apologized. I can count how many times I've had to apologize in one finger my entire life but never to myself."
She let her head down and sighed again. The session had been fruitful in breakthroughs and epiphanies but uneasy tension for Serenity. On the other hand, the psychiatrist noticed the time on the clock above the door and put her pencil on her notepad beside her chair.
Thank you, Serenity. We will continue this next week.
Serenity stood up from the couch and wrapped her leather jacket on her body before shaking the right hand of her psychiatrist. She walked to the door but heard a noise as she grasped the handle to look over her shoulder at her doctor.
There's one more thing I want you to do.
"What?"
We're going to start looking back into your past.
Serenity's eyes widened at the mention of her past, and she chuckled nervously.
"I don't think we should. I've already dealt with it enough. I want to let it go."
You mean to let her go.
"Don't you ever say her name?"
Samantha Holmes?