A History of Comedy

[Allen and Ollie and Raccoon]

'THE COMEDIAN' ALLEN CHANEY
A History of Violence Comedy

Of COURSE I said yes.

She just seemed a little… upset that there was some doubt in my voice…

And she has to know that doubt has nothing to do with her.

It’s entirely self-doubt.

Worry about the kind of husband I can be. Worry about being good enough for her.

We talked through it and yeah… engaged. I’m that. Over-the-fucking-moon happy about it.

But that’s not what we’re here to talk about today.

I keep telling myself that this is fine.

Maybe this is all things need to be?

I can just be the house-husband. Do a few stand-up gigs on occasion. Keep the club running.

Then I had… I dunno. I guess you could call it a ‘moment of clarity’.

So do you know what a Midwest ‘Ope’ is?

The Midwest ‘Ope’ is a versatile expression. It can be a simple acknowledgement, an apology, or simply the starting punctuation to an awkward moment. ‘Ope, sorry bout that’ when you open a door and someone’s sitting in the toilet or ‘Ope, Lemme skooch right by ya’ when moving through a crowd and stepping between two people conversing on your way to a table to dip something in ranch dressing. A lot of ranch. We fucking love ranch.

So when I kinda spaced in line at the grocery store and accidentally bumped into somebody and said ‘Ope, sorry bout that’ my midwestern sensibilities said that’d be enough.

But I was not in the Midwest and the response ‘Watch it you fat fuck’…

Woke something up. Dude was prolly in his early 30’s. Well-put together. Clearly worked out. Smelled liked not-quite-expensive but not-quite-cheap cologne.

“Right.” I said.

“Right?” they respond, confused.

“So here’s the problem with what you just said. It goes beyond just normal human fucking politeness. You don’t need to be told that was a shitty thing to say, you know it. You are well aware. You just have gone through enough of your life being shitty to strangers without anything being done about it that you think you just get to DO that.” Allen says.

“I-“

“You haven’t encountered anyone who has just been WAITING for someone to give them an excuse to beat seven shades of shit out of them and not give a shit about the consequences.” Allen says, getting nose-to-nose with the guy. Phones were coming out. Welp. He was about to be on TMZ again.

Ope.

“So now you get to decide if that changes. If today is the day you’ve finally poked the Fuck Around Bear cub for long enough in your entitled little life to have woken up the Find Out Papa Bear because I’m about to slam you on this fuckin conveyer belt and put down a couple of those little grocery divider bars so you and everyone here knows that until the cops show up? You’re MINE.” Allen says. The silence of everyone around him in the store sort of undercut by the store's speakers playing Grammy-Award Winning 1999 Hit ‘Smooth’ by Santana Feat. Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20 Off the Multi-Platinum Album Supernatural.

“S-sorry.” He says.

“Hm?” Allen asks.

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah you are. What is that you’re buying? Pop-tarts? S’mores Pop-Tarts?”

“Y-yes?”

“Good. They’re the best ones. You go pay for those and you take them home and you enjoy them… and think about how bad this could have gone for you today.”

I was all healed up.

But I honestly didn’t know if I’d be back.

I had been clean for so long.

But I got that little taste.

And I was hooked again.

I made the call.

---

'What if?' is just about the worst question I can ask myself, and I want to avoid it at all costs for the rest of my life.”

-Chris Gethard

Kansas City native ‘The Comedian’ Allen Chaney is wearing a Taylor Swift t-shirt and his face is painted half yellow and half red. He’s standing on stage at his comedy club ‘Hackbreakers’ during the day while it’s closed.

ALLEN CHANEY: Sorry uh…it’s sunday and I’m going to a thing after this and this will be super embarrassing in hindsight if they end up losing.

Allen turns his face away from the mic to clear his throat like a professional.

ALLEN CHANEY: But really that’s kinda my story here as well. I got hurt. I tried to come back and someone hurt me again and now everyone is wondering if the Fountain City Funnyman can still hang now that his knees make clicking noises whenever he moves.

Allen shrugs.

ALLEN CHANEY: Hell, a lot of you might not even know who the fuck I am. That’s fine. A year ago if you’d seen my name next to yours on a card it’d loosen whatever grip you thought your asshole had on your shit. The fact remains that this isn’t a year ago. I don’t get to sit here and tell you about how great I’ve done recently because I ain’t done dick for over half a year save for binge Murder She Wrote, order too much food on DoorDash, work out because of all the food I ordered on DoorDash, and do nice things for my smoking hot fiance. No, I still don’t get it either but I’m way past the point of questioning it.

Allen shrugs.

ALLEN CHANEY: So I guess this is the part where I talk about my opponents. Rick Peril and TJ Alexander. One of them clinging to the memories of this company's briefest Television Title reign to keep him going. “The Rising Ace” huh? How much longer we gotta let you rise til you’re ready to cook? I think maybe your sourdough starter and cuttin it, brah. Time to rework the recipe. I’m on the highway to the Danger Zone and like a certain batshit scientologist I’m more than ready to make the Danger Zone my bitch to make a point and TJ can be my Goose. Spoiler alert: Goose fucking dies.

Archer reference withheld.

ALLEN CHANEY: So let’s get this out of the way Tim Jeopardy. I’m a ‘harsh truths’ kind of guy and maybe it’s time ya heard one. When people refer to you winning a championship as ‘A shocking moment’ it is absolutely not a compliment. When I was 18 I worked at a Sonic Drive-in and was a profoundly terrible employee. They kept scheduling me during my Junior College classes so I called off work for like two weeks straight. The day I showed up and actually got a few orders out on time they said ‘Wow, I can’t believe you’re actually here’. They were not showering me with praise. Something to take into consideration.

Allen waves his hand dismissively to signify moving on.

ALLEN CHANEY: And that brings us to….TJ Alexander! The Game Changer! Look out motherfuckers, the game done changed. It’s….such a…different game now because of this guy! You showed up expecting to play Chess and TJ IS UP IN THIS BITCH SETTING UP CANDY LAND. You’re gonna be STUCK IN THE LICORICE LAGOON. Look out world! TJ Alexander is coming to this poker game with a few Magic the Gathering and Uno Cards and it’s gonna BLOW YOUR MIND! THE GAME CHANGER! BANNED FROM SEVERAL CASINOS FOR TRYING TO PLAY A REVERSE CARD!

Allen had gone into his ‘epic trailer voice’ for a bit.

ALLEN CHANEY: Maybe someday you are gonna put it all together and pull out the huge win in this company I know you have desperately been craving. Something you can really hang your hat on. I want that for you. I hope that happens for you, Candy Land. Same way I hope Fred Precarious has more than a TV Title win to show for his efforts… but this next show is not going to be that day. You guys are a test to see if my knees still work. I appreciate the exercise.

Allen rubs his knee a little bit.

ALLEN CHANEY: So let me make my objectives clear to Jeff Hazard and TJ Alexander. I’ve saved every last drop of ill will and bad mood I’ve experienced ever since I’ve been away from the ring in my body and I get to let it out the moment the bell rings. I’ve been edging a murder boner for over half a year and now I get to bust a violence nut all over the both of you. I have nothing personal against either of you… and also I want to be the worst thing that’s happened to you this month. I have a reputation to rebuild and the first part of rebuilding it involves smooshing you both into an unidentifiable paste. Just one big flapjack that used to be two dudes.

Allen uses his hands to mimic his fist flattening his other fist into an open palm.

ALLEN CHANEY: I’ve got nothing but piss and vinegar running through my veins and you two open-mic hacks are unfortunate enough to have found yourselves on the receiving end of it… For a brief moment I get to take this chip off of my shoulder and make you both fucking choke on it. Does that upset you? Does it feel bad being talked down to? Good. Use it. Prove me wrong. Show me something. And when I STILL beat you? Use that. Getting your ass beat sucks but if you don’t take a lesson away from it or a desire to do better then all you got was your ass beat. I’ve had to learn a few things about myself lately and not all of it was positive but learning those things means I can now try and work on them. I’m engaged. I’ve been engaged twice before and both times they broke it off with me… and I love Jennie and she has never given me a reason to doubt that she loves me but sometimes I wonder if she’ll like….come to her senses about the kind of person I am aaaaaaaaand this has gotten way too real. Fuck.

A deep breath.

ALLEN CHANEY: I did that talk show thing that one time and I’m proud of it but… I just couldn’t make it a regular thing. It fucking hurt, man. It created a resentment in me. It was a desperate attempt to feel as if I was still a part of this world while my fucked up knees were keeping me away from it. The whole time I was sitting there during that interview with Knox I wanted nothing more than to just… pick his old ass up and put him through my desk. Has nothing to do with how I feel about the guy. I just.. I NEED this. I’m fucking sick, man. Hurting people and making people laugh are the two things I’m best at and if I can’t do them I feel useless. The talk show… felt like a consolation prize to what I really wanted. What is it that I really want? Want to hear some long-term goals?

Allen smirks.

ALLEN CHANEY: It’s not just the carnage and the bloodshed and the putting people through an Ikea catalog worth of furniture. I want to piledrive the bones in Dean Harper’s neck into powder and when a surgeon has to clean it out I wanna snort that shit like 70’s Belushi. I want this company to go broke resizing their championships to fit around one fat fucking waist. The entirety of the IWF has a real fucking problem on it’s hands now.

Allen looks down at his shirt, chuckles, then looks back up to the camera,

ALLEN CHANEY: It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem. It’s me. Setup. Punchline.

“It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.”

-Bill Hicks