Crushing Melons and Mysterious Stains

[Allen and Ollie and Raccoon]

'THE COMEDIAN' ALLEN CHANEY
Crushing Melons and Mysterious Stains

“I enjoy hurting people and getting paid for it. All of the other contract shit has to go through you.” Allen says to his manager, retired wrestler Daniel Fitzsimmons. They are in his office which is elegant if not a bit sparsely decorated. Daniel stands and releases a sigh. He tends to sigh a lot around his client. Allen takes a brief moment to consider how much a 7 foot tall man has to spend on bespoke suits.

“It’s my job to sell you to people. You don’t get paid if I can’t sell you.” Daniel says to Allen. Allen was wearing sweatpants and a Kansas City Chiefs shirt. No pockets in the sweats so OF COURSE he had to wear a fanny pack.

“What’s so hard to sell?” Allen asks.

“I’m working on getting you interviews. Press. I’m in talks with several streaming services about getting you a standup special.” Daniel says.

“Good luck with Netflix. They only court controversy lately for standup specials and I didn’t go to rehab like Mulaney and I’m not willing to do 45 minutes of tired, boring anti-trans material like Gervais or Chappelle.” Allen says.

“How do I market you? What's the Allen Chaney pitch?” Daniel asks, a little exasperated.

“Midwestern Pro Wrestling Comedian with very firm opinions about Pop Tarts. See S’mores and Wild Berry are the two GOATS. Brown sugar cinnamon is by FAR the most overrated. If you bring an unfrosted strawberry near me? I’ll punch you in the neck. That’s a crime. That’s a breakfast crime you tried to put in front of me. Cherry and Blueberry are super underappreciated. Really the two workhorses of the Pop-Tarts univer-“

“Allen. Shut up. Please. Please shut up. Shut up or I quit.” Daniel says.

“You know what? That’s fair.” Allen says, stopping before he goes into his full 30+ minute Pop-Tart presentation.

“Have you signed up for the IWF Roulette?”

“Have I signed up for who and the what now?”

“I see no part of my question that should have confused you.” Daniel says without missing a beat.

“It’s like I said, boss. That’s all your deal. I’m a big fat fucking wrecking ball and you’re the crane. You decide what I get swung at and demolish.” Allen says.

“I’ll put the word to management that you’re interested then. Any word on who attacked you back a few months ago.” Daniel asked before taking a sip of his coffee.

“Asked a few of the ring crew if they caught a glimpse of them. No one saw shit but I’ve put the word out at least I’m looking.” Allen says, he notices a stain on his shirt.

Chocolate? BBQ sauce?

“There’s a potentially troublesome possibility that I don’t think you’ve considered.” Daniel says.

“Poop? You think I got poop on my shirt?”

Daniel blinks.

Twice.

“We’re still talking about the person who attacked me and not the stain on my shirt. I caught up. Anyway… what possibility?” Allen asks, taking his mind off the stain briefly.

“Well… you were there to face Wraith for his title. Maybe he didn’t want you to make it to that match. I think maybe the only reason you have not considered that option is because of how it might affect your home life.” Daniel says. Allen thinks seriously about this. This is certainly more serious than whether or not he got poop on his shirt.

It’s BBQ sauce, by the way. He ate at Slaps BBQ earlier. Get the Mike Johnson sandwich with the spicy sauce. Easily rivals the Z-Man at Joe’s which is still worth your time. Enjoying these regional KC Barbecue references? No?

Fine. Sorry.

“I absolutely do not think he had anything to do with it.” Allen says, folding his arms.

“And why do you believe that?” Daniel asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Because Wraith and I DO want to beat the piss out of each other but we’ve talked about it. It’s an honor thing. Ain’t no honor in what was done to me.”

“Are you at least willing to ask him where he was when you were attacked?” Daniel asks.

“I… don’t know.” Allen says.

“Because even if he did he would tell Jennie you asked and you think she would get mad at you for accusing a member of her family of such a thing and you’re terrified of doing anything that might even remotely upset her because you have an inferiority complex and imposter syndrome and even though she’s given you ZERO reason to feel this way your past relationships make you feel like you aren’t good enough for her and that you’re one huge screwup away from her seeing the ‘mistake’ she has made and ‘coming to her senses’.” Daniel says before taking another sip of his coffee.

Allen’s turn to blink.

Twice. The silence hangs in the air for a bit.

“So uh…gonna watch the game?” Allen asks, now desperate to change the subject.

“Not if I don’t get to go home.” Daniel says. Allen nods.

“Cool. Cool…. Gonna do a party or anything? Sports bar?” Allen asks.

“Allen, please give me the invitation and get the hell out of my office.”

“Bet.” Allen says, he slides a piece of paper across the desk with details of the huge Super Bowl party he’s throwing at the standup venue he owns in KC before quickly standing up to leave.

He steps out the door and Daniel opens his planner for the day…but he can’t get something off his kind. He sighs and presses the buzzer to his intern.

“Brian… could you rush to the corner store and grab me some Wild Berry Pop Tarts? Thank you.” Daniel says before cutting the call.

---

We find ourselves again inside ‘Hackbreakers’, the comedy club owned by Allen Chaney. It’s all decorated in red and yellow for a huge party happening later that day. Catering seems to be getting set up and on stage ‘The Comedian’ Allen Chaney is in a full Chiefs Football uniform for this event. He is standing on stage at the mic.

ALLEN CHANEY: Once again… this is gonna be really embarrassing if we lose but fuck it. I’m allowed to be excited. Fuck, hang on.

Allen takes moment to take off the helmet he’s wearing. He has eye black on even though he doesn’t really know what it does. He just thinks it looks cool.

ALLEN CHANEY: So I came back. The knees seem to be working and I did basically what I said I was going to do. We all caught up? Hacks and Hecklers have all been put on notice once again but I only just got a taste and DADDY NEEDS MORE.

A sadistic smirk crosses the face of The Comedian.

ALLEN CHANEY: More violence. More throwing motherfuckers. More throwing myself at motherfuckers. More squishing motherfuckers. More… fucking mothers? Thought that bit was going somewhere but it’s gone. They can’t all be zingers.

A shrug.

ALLEN CHANEY: As for the Bagman? Once I spike him on top of his head with a Punchline I guess it’ll be nice to have his destroyed skull as well as it’s contents in an easy-to-carry bag for whoever ends up having to fix it. I do a lot of chores around the house and I must say It’s not often the garbage has the courtesy to bag itself up. You’re really going out of your way to make this a pleasant and simple experience for both myself and all the Kings Horses and all the Kings Men who will have to reassemble what is supposed to be a ‘face’.

There’s always a spark in Allen’s eye whenever he talks about hurting people.

ALLEN CHANEY: You show up with a bag on your head to get laughs you fucking HACK? Ohhhhh this shit makes my blood boil. They sent me a clown. I fuckin hate clowns, man. I’m sure you’re in all kinds of denial right now about me calling you clown but take a look in the mirror right now through the holes in your bag and sincerely try and tell yourself to your own dumb bag face that wither A. You are coming into this with any degree of sincerity or B. your whole bit is actually funny.

Allen huffs.

ALLEN CHANEY: ‘Sincerity’ really is the key word here, huh? I’m an asshole, I’m more than willing to admit it…but I’m a sincere asshole. I come by it honestly and I MEAN it. When I step on this stage or in a wrestling ring you can doubt damn near whatever you want to about me but you can never doubt that I fucking CARE. Do YOU care, La Bolsa? Do you even give a shit about what I’m saying to you right now? Because when someone steps onto this stage and all they’re looking to do is promote their podcast or some dogshit movie…I can tell. But when people get up here and they’re testing new stuff and they vibe with the audience because they’ve allowed the audience to really SEE them in a way you can only truly show yourself when there’s a spotlight on you….with a degree of both confidence and vulnerability that can’t be measured. That’s something special and you…

A pause as Allen collects his thoughts.

ALLEN CHANEY: …mock that vulnerability. Why bother having a personality? Why bother connecting with anyone? I’ll just put a bag over my head! That way the phenomenally stupid can see themselves in me! Make me an action figure! Sell paper bags with my logo on them to the crowd! No one ELSE wears a paper bag. I’m an innovator! I’m on the cutting edge! TELL ME I’M SPECIAL, MOMMY! TELL ME I’M YOUR SPECIAL CLEVER LITTLE BOY!

A sudden stop. One of the caterers is giving Allen an odd look. Allen awkwardly clears his throat.

ALLEN CHANEY: Okay. I’m willing to acknowledge how weird that got and I apologize.

A deep breath.

ALLEN CHANEY: There is so much sincerity out there and we need to learn to cherish it. George Carlin. Marc Maron. Richard Pryor, even. I can’t claim to be as good as they are but I aspire to what they do every single day. And now I find myself across the ring from someone who aspires to… Carrot Top. To Gallagher. I need you to understand this, La Bolso because it wouldn’t be fair to you to receive the fucking mauling I am about to give to you without you knowing why you deserve it and make no fucking mistake sir…

Allen narrows his eyes.

ALLEN CHANEY: You absolutely fucking deserve it. You deserve to wake up every morning after thai match with a stiff neck and know that a proper goddamn Comedian did that to you. You may be the Gallagher in this situation, but I’m gonna be the one smashing your fucking melon.

Allen makes a gesture like a hammer smashing his palm.

ALLEN CHANEY: Come get your ass-kicking, bud. As a fan of the Kansas City Chiefs it is my job to wreck your shit and be basically insufferable to everyone else on the planet for some reason. Suck my dick. Set Up. Punchine.

Allen snaps his fingers and ‘Shake it Off’ by Taylor Swift begins and Allen dances offscreen while holding up two middle fingers.

CAN NOT stress enough how embarrassing this is gonna be if we lose.

“Comedy is obviously a matter of personal taste and the world always needs a clown and some people have no taste at all and any clown will do.”
-Marc Maron