Sitcom Logic

[Allen and Ollie and Raccoon]

'THE COMEDIAN' ALLEN CHANEY
Sitcom Logic





“I’m a cat guy. Dogs are too much to handle. I don’t need anything in my house that’s needier than me.”
-Marc Maron

Lazy Sunday.

I find myself once again on my couch and watching reruns of old sitcoms. My cat, Bill is asleep on my stomach.

I tell him he’s getting fat and he shoots me a look back like ‘Look who’s fucking talking.’

Sitcom logic… is the ultimate fantasy. No matter how big a problem is it will never take under 30 minutes to solve.

In Sitcom World your significant other is never mad at you for longer than that 30 minutes as well.

So when you’ve been sitting on a question for months that you know is gonna throw your entire life off-balance no matter what answer you get to it and it for sure is gonna last longer than a fucking half an hour, Sitcom World looks pretty goddamn appealing.

I’d ask the question. I’d get an answer. Maybe the answer would be bad. Maybe it’d be good. Someone would make a joke about how fat I am and in the end someone would make a grand gesture that fixes everything and everyone at home would wonder how the unattractive fat funny guy ended up with someone so hot.

Wait, that last part actually happened.

Thanks Kevin James.

So no, don’t solve the problem. Make friends with the problem. The Comedy Club is out of napkins. Make the problem a delicious meal. You have a match coming up. Let the problem move in. Sure you can worry about the talent you’re booking for your next feature but also never not be thinking about the problem and then never talk about the problem and always have that thought be present during the myriad of other things you need to be doing or thinking about.

Slam your testicles in a desk drawer every 45 minutes.

Think about the problem.

Equally productive.

Definitely a very good idea that it is worth devoting a significant portion of your mental energy to at all times.

Eventually you have to talk to him.

Shut the fuck up, brain.

Quit being a pussy and ask him and get it over with.

Shuuuuuuuut the fuuuuuuuuck uuuuuuuuup. I’m in charge here. Me. You take orders from me. I’m the one who got us to quit drinking. You were MORE than happy to pickle in my skull.

I snap out of it and notice that from my tummy Bill is staring at me like he’s watching this conversation play out and is concerned.

“What the fuck are you looking at?”

He goes to find something else to do since clearly I was in a mood.

“Hey I was just…” I say, more than prepared to apologize to my cat.

I’m probably losing it.

I should probably ask him.

I’m probably not going to.

And now I am firmly back in the cycle.

The cycle sucks.

Go to commercial.

It’ll all sort itself out in a half hour.

Unless it’s one of those two-parter episodes.

I can do an hour.

Take me away….Take me away to Sitcom World.

---

"Nothing's as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families."

-Tim Allen: Asshole and Narc.

We find ourselves on what is clearly a set. A couch, a tv, a coffee table. All seen from one angle like we are looking in on some’s lives.

We are voyeurs.

ANNOUNCER: The following wrestling promo was for some reason filmed in front of a live studio audience.

The door opens and there is applause as Allen Chaney enters wearing basically his ring gear along with a necktie. He is carrying a briefcase.

ALLEN CHANEY: Honey! I’m home!

The crowd applauds wildly. As long as the applause sign is on until finally it cuts out.

ALLEN CHANEY: Gosh! What a busy day at the office. My boss got onto me for powerbombing the coffee guy through the conference table….and for powerbombing his secretary through their desk…. By the time I powerbombed my BOSS we were about out of furniture!

A break for uproarious laughter for this definitely very funny joke.

ALLEN CHANEY: Honey? Did you hear that? I… it was a rough day at work and uh…

There is no response.

ALLEN CHANEY: I’m pretty sure I told Jen we were filming this on sunday at this time so uh…

The cameraman clears his throat.

CAMERAMAN: It’s….it’s uh….it’s saturday, sir.

Allen blinks.

Twice.

Allen takes a deep breath and motions for the cameraman to come over to him and he does so, coming from behind the camera.

Allen puts a hand on the man’s shoulder. The cameraman nods, almost as if he understands how this is going to work.

Sure enough a few moments later the man has been gutwrench powerbombed through the coffee table and the crowd is laughing uproariously as he twitches in the pile of broken table. Allen takes a moment to savor this like a junkie finally getting their fix before he remembers there is a camera in front of him.

ALLEN CHANEY: Oh hey! It’s me, Allen! I took a little time off for reasons that are frankly none of your fucking business but now I’m back to continue winning! Sorry Logan Sky! I’m about to turn your head into a delightful pudding! I’m not actually sorry! I am going to enjoy it!

A big thumbs up. Man, that was a lot of exclamation points.

ALLEN CHANEY: In fact, from what I understand of Logan Sky, he’s one scoop and a slam away from everything in his spine just turning into a fine powder. Go ahead and ask me if you think that’s going to stop me from hitting him really really hard. Better yet, ask this cameraman who is making FAR above union pay. I pay people right, I also just sometimes powerbomb them.

The cameraman offers a weak thumbs up from his spot amidst the broken table.

CAMERAMAN: He….paid for catering too….it was…. nice.

ALLEN CHANEY: See! I’m a nice and relatable guy!

CAMERAMAN: I can’t feel a….few of my toes.

ALLEN CHANEY: Walk it off. A lot of people may be wondering why I’m bothering to tear my way through the names I have found myself across with a resume like mine… and I have a pretty simple answer for that. I made it clear I wanted to start my way from the very bottom and work my way up, lest there be any accusations of me being shown favoritism due to who I am currently engaged to. Some time from now they will be resizing this companies world championship to fit around my fat fucking waist and there will be no doubt that I worked my way through absolutely everybody who thought they deserved the shot more than me. So basically that’s why I have to kill this old man on television.

Allen helps the cameraman up and he limps offscreen to ‘walk it off’ and see if any food is left in catering.

ALLEN CHANEY: Because real life is not like a sitcom. The sooner you learn that, the more you realize that nothing is truly owed to you. You need to fucking work and even sometimes if you work harder than everyone else you will still fail. You can work hard enough to earn something and still not get it. Nothing is promised. You can work your whole life and still die penniless. And you will die. We all eventually die and after years and years we die a second death which is when no one remembers who you were or remembers your name. You can only hope to have accomplished enough that your second death takes awhile but really you’ll be dead for it so who gives a fuck. None of this probably matters.

A pause. Allen had some heavy stuff on his mind lately for reasons he was not really being open about but the mask certainly seemed to be slipping here. 

ALLEN CHANEY: Uh….farts or something.

Laughter from the crowd.

ALLEN CHANEY: So uh…yeah. The point is that what happens in the ring? That’s my job and I do not get paid by the hour. There’s plenty of talent I am happy to give a little bit of a spotlight before I spike them on top of their heads but Logan Sky is absolutely not one of those people. They call him ‘The Machine’ and the nickname is gonna change in meaning soon because he’ll need more than a few Machines after he fights me. One to help him breathe. One to help him poop. One to blend up all of his food so he can eat it through a tube… Nothing personal, I just really dig hurting people. I'm good at it. 

Allen pauses and awkwardly clears his throat. The laughter eventually arrives and he nods.

ALLEN CHANEY: So by design….the setup is going to be long. The destruction of Logan Sky is going to be part of that setup. Me going on this big ass undefeated streak is part of the setup. Me moving my way up the card person-by-person and doing terrible thing oa their neck parts is all part of the setup. Kinda like a Shaggy Dog story there will be a looooooooot of setup. You’ll find yourself wondering where this could possibly be going but then… we arrive at the Punchline. You might not like it….but you don’t get a fucking say in it. The person telling the jokes is the one in control. If you don’t think it’s funny?

Allen chuckles.

ALLEN CHANEY: I’ll just put on a laugh track. You don’t get to decide how the joke goes. The Comedian does. Set-up. Punchline.

Allen winks and we go to closing credits which mainly credit Allen repeatedly along with a catering company and the Cameraman who got powerbombed.