Wrecking Ball (Roulette Roleplay)

[Allen and Ollie and Raccoon]

'THE COMEDIAN' ALLEN CHANEY
Wrecking Ball

“Comedians in their infancy are generally selfish, irresponsible, emotionally retarded, morally dubious, substance-addicted animals who live out of boxes and milk crates. They are plagued with feelings of failure and fraudulence. They are prone to fleeting fits of manic grandiosity and are completely dependent on the acceptance and approval of rooms full of strangers, strangers the comedian resents until he feels sufficiently loved and embraced.

Perhaps I am only speaking for myself here.”

-Marc Maron

Just got back from therapy.

Every time it feels like things are going well, I remember that night. The turning point. I was on stage and the crowd was just sending up drinks not because I was doing well…. They were just enjoying watching me destroy myself. It reached a point where I was mumbling half-remembered joke setups into the microphone while laying down on the stage, pouring whiskey into my mouth while laying down and nearly drowning myself and they laughed. They just kept laughing.

Yeah, I got clean but ... there's a distinction I was forced to make then.

Right now in my career the crowd is cheering for me. I dig that, I suppose… but it’s never something I’m going to actively pursue ever again.

I won’t be their dancing monkey.

Because the moment they aren’t entertained by your success they will choose to find it in your failures. A lot of people are worried about being ‘real’ in this industry. In life in general.

Well, if there’s one thing I am, it’s real. People like the real me right now. Maybe someday they won’t. I’m not gonna change for them. Put me in the ring with one of their faves?

I’ll still mock them straight to their face.

I like that you all seem to like me right now.

But if you decided you hate me?

And my checks are still clearing?

I think that’s fine, too.

Maybe this is growth.

They've been waiting on my decision for that Roulette match a while. Been thinking about it.

I’m thinking I’ve let myself get too comfortable here. Maybe I’ve let this ROSTER get a little too comfortable.

It’s time for all of us to step out of our comfort zones, I suppose.

29 people all gonna tell me I’m fat. I’m not talented. I’m not funny. I’m only here because of who I’m engaged to.

After the Roulette? They’ll be telling me how my dick tastes.

---

We find ‘The Comedian’ Allen Chaney with his hands in the pocket of his hoodie. He typically films these at his comedy club but given that there’s some construction being done there, he is currently being filmed standing outside Gates BBQ because he will not allow just a little bit of construction to keep him from being Kansas City as Fuck.

ALLEN CHANEY: Oh hey. I figured it was about time we had this talk. Grab yourself a burnt end sandwich and a Yammer pie. Let’s chat.

Allen takes his hands out of his pockets and scratches his beard.

ALLEN CHANEY: I’ve been doing this for a decent amount of time now. Certainly long enough that I’ve been encountered with ‘Ha, you’re fat’ and ‘For a Comedian you sure aren’t funny’ and of course ‘Everyone is going to be laughing at YOU when you LOSE’ literally over 1000 times from past opponents. Opponents who are mostly white dudes who think one excursion to Japan and a Ribera jacket makes them ‘SERIOUS BUSINESS’. The point is I’ve been doing this long enough that I’ve been in several varieties of ‘big dumb over-the-top-rope’ fights. Even won a few of those. They all had different names but it all kinda boils down to the same thing.

A deep breath.

ALLEN CHANEY: So, I guess I finally have to talk about the thing. The Roulette.

Allen takes a few moments to collect his thoughts before he speaks

ALLEN CHANEY: The question ‘Hey, are you in the Roulette?’ seems to pop up about as often as ‘Is it Chaney with an A or Cheney with an E?’. It’s an ‘A’ by the way. Always an ‘A’. Never not an ‘A’. Somewhere out there there’s some guy named ‘Alan Cheney’ who wonders why the fuck people are always talking shit on him. And it’s because they swapped the A and the E and left out a fucking L!

Allen senses everyone asking him ‘Get on with it, you fat fuck!’

ALLEN CHANEY: Yeah. Yes. I’m in the thing. I’m gonna be in the Roulette thing. Kept you waiting, huh?

A bit of a smirk.

ALLEN CHANEY: And before we even get there, I get a chance to show EXACTLY why I excel in situations like The Roulette against a big group of sturdy lads. Lads who put themselves on strict diets and exercise regimens and go learn MMA and say things like ‘WORKRATE’. You build yourself up like a piece of fancy architecture and my oh my do you guys look fancy with your chiseled jaws, abs, and your elaborate expensive ring gear. Marvels of modern wrestler engineering. Built from the ground up with only PERFECTION in mind like a Skyscraper.

Allen poses like a big strong man, hands on his hips like he’s Superman or some shit.

ALLEN CHANEY: But when it comes to taking down skyscrapers…you don’t need something that looks pretty. You need a fucking wrecking ball. That’s where I come in. Why don’t you ask TJ Alexander and Nick Danger? Two guys who couldn’t decide between which five hundred flavor variants of suplex and hurricanrana they were gonna try to use against me long enough to not get smushed by the big funny fat fuck in record time. Like your nickname suggests, you really did change the game, TJ. It’s like playing Rock, Paper, Scissors against someone who exclusively picks ‘scissors’. Big fat rock coming right at ya, Teej.

Allen holds up a fist to signify ‘Rock’.

ALLEN CHANEY: I pinned you, Teej. I bet that bothers you. Man, I bet it bothers you a LOT.

Allen blows TJ a kiss.

ALLEN CHANEY: And Nick Danger will be there, seemingly taking a break from getting mollywhopped by Wraith every other day or so to try and nab a briefcase that maybe Wraith may take from him and beat him up with. It’s starting to get more than a little sad. I suppose if you need a break from Wraith, I can take over and smack ya around a little bit. It’s the least I could do. I am a nice man and I do nice things for my friends. We are friends, aren’t we Nick? If I had a Sega Genesis and you had a Super Nintendo we would let each other play our games? You can play Sonic and I can play Mario? We could BOTH play Earthworm Jim? Remember how he would launch the cow? That was funny.

A pause.

ALLEN CHANEY: What the fuck was I talking about?

A longer pause, terror on Allen’s face as he’s supposed to be a professional and all he can think about is Earthworm Jim. Didn't they find out the creator was like a huge asshole or something? FOCUS. FOCUS, ALLEN!

ALLEN CHANEY: Oh! Right! The match! There’s a guy I haven’t fought yet! Do we have a picture of this guy?



ALLEN CHANEY: Huh. Alright. You know sometimes if I’m not in the know about someone I shoot an email to my manager about what I can expect and he studies some tape and sends me a decently detailed breakdown of who my opponent is and in your case he sent men email that just said ‘RUSSIAN’ which seems to be the only discernible thing about you. So yeah. You’re super Russian. More Russian than Putin fucking a bear with a vodka bottle jammed up his borscht-hole. I ain’t intimidated by a scary accent, a buncha muscles, or a solid recipe for stroganoff so kiss my big fat American ass. Drop an unironic ‘I must break you’ and you might get a few shots in on me while I’m laughing at you.

Allen clacks his tongue.

ALLEN CHANEY: You’re a big boy with a big dense neck and you probably have horse DNA. Damn near anyone in their right mind standing across from you in a ring would be intimidated. Well I want you to look in my eyes when we’re in the ring, TyTy. I want you to look in those eyes and see if you can find even one speck of fear or any sign of me being intimidated. I want to see what it looks like as your brain breaks because some fat midwestern dude in a t-shirt and basketball shorts ain’t wasting a drop of sweat worrying about you. Do you know what you’re gonna be to me?

Allen pauses as if waiting for an answer.

ALLEN CHANEY: A fantastic example. You’re the whole Joke in action. Russia builds the perfect soldier. Gets punked out by a dude who ate 4 Lunchables before their fight. Perfect. Love it. No notes.

Allen awkwardly clears his throat.

ALLEN CHANEY: Phillip Deforrest. If a tree falls on Deforrest and no one is around to hear it, does anyone give a shit?

A pause. A very long one this time.

ALLEN CHANEY: Moving on! I’m also facing ‘Mr. Happy’ which is what I’ve been calling my penis for most of my life. If THIS Mr. Happy is anything like mine then I shouldn’t have any issues. I’ve beaten Mr. Happy nearly every day since I was 13! Sometimes even before breakfast! Y’ALL THOUGHT YOU WEREN’T GONNA GET A JACK-OFF JOKE! I’M THE KING OF THIS SHIT!

Allen quickly stops shouting when he remembers this is a public place and not his comedy club and that a fair few amount of people are looking at this loud man talking about his penis.

ALLEN CHANEY: When you get right down to it… with none of us knowing what’s in the briefcases, there’s no real reason for us to fight, yeah? We could all just draw straws or whatever.. But that’s not really gonna do it for me. I may end up with a shitty briefcase. May end up with something good. As always, I’m here to get my violence nut off, wth the bonus of making a statement heading into the Roulette. I don’t care if when the time comes I enter at 1 or 30… I’m gonna be a fuckin PROBLEM for y’all…. But I’m getting ahead of myself. There’s briefcases and shit.

Allen gestures his hands as if to wave off the discussion of the Roulette….for now.

ALLEN CHANEY: So let’s talk about the joke structure like we always do. I sorta touched on it when talking about Ty earlier. YOU GUYS have provided the setup for me. The setup is all the training and work you put into being these perfect specimens. The encyclopedias of wrestling moves you guys memorize and commit to memory. Swiss Army knives have all sorts of fancy bells and whistles attached but when ya get right down to it? They make for shitty knives when you needa fucking Knife. I’m the motherfucker Crocodile Dundee pulls out to make you feel inadequate. I didn’t have to get ‘pretty good’ at like a hundred different things. I’m really REALLY good at like three things. Rock smashes scissors, tears through paper, breaks through a window, and hits you right in the fucking face. That’s the fucking Punchline. So say it with me one more time. Setup….

Allen’s smirk becomes slightly sadistic.

ALLEN CHANEY: Punchline.