Post by Allen and Ollie and Raccoon on Mar 23, 2024 11:35:06 GMT
'THE COMEDIAN' ALLEN CHANEY
A Very Normal Morning
(A Short Film)
It was a very normal morning in Kansas City.
More specifically, it was a very normal morning in the KC Metro suburbs.
If you want to get even more specific than that (you pedantic fuck) it was a very normal morning in the home of ‘The Fountain City Funnyman’ Allen Chaney.
Allen woke up in his normal bed with his normal cat asleep on top of him. He got up and put on his very normal basketball shorts and took a very normal casual stroll to his very normal bathroom, passing by the very normal glowing blue portal, and took a very normal morning piss.
Sometimes Jennie stayed at his place. Sometimes he stayed at her place. Lately Allen was wondering when they were going to have a place that was THEIR place.
Allen makes a very normal note on his very normal phone to have this very normal conversation with his fiance soon. He makes a very normal grocery list. His very normal cat bats at the very normal glowing blue portal. Allen passes by the cat and heads to his kitchen where he pours himself a very normal cup of coffee from the very normal pot of coffee Jen left for him. She was the best. Allen downs the first of many very normal cups of coffee he’d have today and pours himself a very normal bowl of Golden Grahams. His very normal cat releases a very normal meow. The very normal portal hums. Allen stares directly at the very normal portal as he eats his first very normal bite of cereal.
Chew.
Chew.
Slower chew.
Even slower chew.
ALLEN CHANEY: Hey wait what the fuck?
There it is.
Allen sets his cereal down on the counter but picks it back up when Bill starts eying it. Cow milk is bad for cats.
With his bowl of milk safely in the fridge, Allen cautiously approaches the portal and pokes at it.
ALLEN CHANEY: Who…do I call about this? Is this ghost shit? Do I have to call Zak Bagans? I don’t want to call Zak Baga-FUCK!
Suddenly, and without warning, Allen is sucked into the portal violently and makes a less than gracious.
ALLEN CHANEY: OH DAMMIT I LANDED ON MY FU-
The portal suddenly closes up.
Bill releases a ‘meow’ and paws at the refrigerator.
A little crying chubby kid.
Can you think of anything sadder?
He is sitting alone on the steps at the front of his Elementary school and he was a mess. His lunch dumped all over him. Mustard and a chocolate snack pack staining his ‘Mighty Morphin Power Rangers’ T-shirt.
See, there was this specific VHS tape his dad had gotten for him and he had watched it so many times. To the point where he had memorized it front to back.
So he told his teacher he wanted to perform something for that class when it was Sharing Time and deep inside he believed WHOLEHEARTEDLY this was going to be when everyone realized how cool and funny he was and they would all like him.
So he got up in front of the class and performed a solid ten memorized minutes of the bit from ‘Bill Cosby: Himself’ where he talks about going to the dentist.
Okay, we didn’t know Bill Cosby was a total monster back then so please keep that in mind (also the cat is named after BIll Hicks so don’t get it twisted). If I could change it to another Comedian I would but it was Bill Cosby and we can’t make it be not-Bill Cosby. Obviously I don’t support him now. Fuck that guy.
Anyway, his class! They were laughing! That’s what they were supposed to do! They liked him! But when it ended only his teacher clapped and said ‘That was very…creative, Allen.’
And when it was time for lunch he sat with everyone instead of going and eating in the Guidance Counselor's office like he usually did. Yes, he would for the most part always be that weird kid who got along more with the faculty than with other students.
No, this time he sat with everyone else because he was so convinced he had done good and they all liked him now.
And twenty minutes later he was sitting outside crying covered in his lunch his mom packed for him. The drastic wailing of a child who believed in that moment that no one would ever like him. He’d never have a friend. His life would always be lonely and sad and-
ALLEN CHANEY: -CKING BALLS, JESUS!
The older Allen releases a groan as he struggles up to his feet after a portal nonchalantly dumped him on concrete. .
YOUNG ALLEN: STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!
ALLEN CHANEY: Hey! No! That’s not what this is! I came out of a portal, kid! I…
Allen looks up to the name of the Elementary School.
ALLEN CHANEY: …no way.
Allen looks at the little fat kid. Covered in his lunch, Power Rangers shirt.
ALLEN CHANEY: Kid, I…
YOUNG ALLEN: STRANGER DANGER!
ALLEN CHANEY: HEY! KID! I’M YOU FROM THE FUTURE!
Young Allen stops screaming to continue his sniffling and crying.
YOUNG ALLEN: You expect me to belie-
ALLEN CHANEY: You have a crush on the weird girl, Brianna. She slept over once with our sisters and gave the whole family lice.
Young Allen realiizes that this Allen must not be lying….then looks at his future self's gut and starts crying harder.
ALLEN CHANEY: Hey, FUCK YOU. you little shit, I…
Young Allen just keeps crying. Allen sighs.
ALLEN CHANEY: Okay look….I think I know why I’m here and… I can promise you it’s not always gonna be like this. It’s gonna be hard, yeah… but eventually literally EVERYTHING works out, man.
Allen’s crying softens to a few errant sniffles. He was listening.
ALLEN CHANEY: Dude, we get to do jokes for people all the time and they laugh WITH US and not at us… and we have another job where we get paid to beat the hell out of people who annoy us and you know what? We’re good at BOTH those jobs AND we have a smoking hot fiance. We have friends. Our favorite team just won the Super Bowl where I come from!
YOUNG ALLEN: The Dallas Cowboys?
ALLEN CHANEY: Okay The Cowboys are just a phase you are going through, trust me there is no pot of gold at the end of that rainbow…well I guess there is in 96 against the Steelers and…
A pause.
ALLEN CHANEY: Okay, Back To The Future rules say I’m not allowed to finish that sentence. Don’t bet on sports….anyway my point is that….things DO work out for us. Eventually you make friends with some nerds here who like all the same nerdy stuff you do… we have a couple girlfriends… I know how bad it feels now but you…are going to do so much better than any of those shitheads who did this to you.
Allen sits next to his younger self and brushes a few potato chips off of him.
YOUNG ALLEN: So...we can beat all of them up when I’m your age?
ALLEN CHANEY: Yeah…I’m really quite good at beating the shit out of people.
YOUNG ALLEN: We really swear a lot, huh?
ALLEN CHANEY: Our father was a sailor. I know it’s nothing you haven’t heard before. I know it feels like… you don’t get a lot of lessons about ‘being a man’ because he’s out on deployment so much but…he does that to take care of us. So we can have a future. He’s proud of us. I’M proud of us. I’m proud of you.
YOUNG ALLEN: So…eventually do we beat up everyone who was mean to us?
Allen thinks it over, clacking his tongue. He has a light bulb moment.
ALLEN CHANEY: Actually…I think I can do something adjacent to that. Yeah. Hey turns out I needed something from you, too.
Allen brushes a few more crumbs off his younger self. He dug the Power Rangers shirt. The portal opens up and Allen walks toward it. He stops just short of the portal and turns around to face his younger self.
ALLEN CHANEY: Hey uh… just one last thing.
YOUNG ALLEN: Hm?
Allen takes a deep breath as he tries to figure out how to say this.
ALLEN CHANEY: So….Bill Cosby…he…
Young Allen, his tears all dried up, smiles and looks at older Allen expectantly.
ALLEN CHANEY: …Never mind. You’ll find out on your own. Take it easy, kid.
Young Allen waves as Allen steps through the portal and disappears. The pin on his hoodie doesn't make it through, falling to the ground in front of his younger self who picks it up and takes a look at it…
A Smiley Face?
Weird.
The next day in our modern times Allen went to his attic, up earlier than Jen for once. He found a big box that had all of his yearbooks. Elementary to high school. He sought out the faces of everyone who bullied that crying little chubby kid. Then the people who bullied him as a chubby teenager. He worked up grade by grade, scanning the photos of them and printing them all out.
And then he got to the REAL work.
Writing the names of everyone on the IWF roster under those pictures. Forcing those connections in his brain. Nick Danger didn’t know it yet, but he was the first person who ever called him the ‘F-slur’ when he tried out for a school play. Tytus Rost was out there somewhere doing whatever people with big meaty necks do and he wasn’t even aware that somewhere in Kansas City he was being transformed into the dude who kneed Allen in the face when the coach wasn’t looking when he tried out for the wrestling team. Cyrus Daniels? Dude had no fucking clue that he was now the dude who told the Guidance Counselor he was worried Allen was going to ‘go Columbine’.
Kids are fucked up.
They didn’t know it yet, but Allen was going to work out some trauma on 29 people.
The Roulette.
His focus is broken when he feels a cup of coffee slide into his hands followed by arms wrapping around his neck from behind and a kiss on his bearded cheek.
JENNIE FENIX: Morning, Gorgeous.
ALLEN CHANEY: Hey, that’s my line. If you aren’t in a rush this morning I was gonna make breakfast.
JENNIE FENIX: Waffles?
ALLEN CHANEY: French Toast. Stuffed.
JENNIE FENIX: Acceptable.
Jennie eyes an opened Amazon package on the table and the t-shirt next to it. She picks up the shirt and has a look at the front.
JENNIE FENIX: What’s this for?
Allen looks over at her…
ALLEN CHANEY: Oh I uh…
She turns it to look at the back and we get a good look at the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers logo on the front.
ALLEN CHANEY: I’m actually thinking of wearing it for the Roulette.
Jennie quirks an eyebrow at him, knowing he’d had brand new ring gear made in Kansas City Chiefs colors for the Roulette.
ALLEN CHANEY: It’s… kind of a long story.
JENNIE FENIX: How long?
ALLEN CHANEY: There’s time travel.
JENNIE FENIX: Ick, no.
ALLEN CHANEY: Yeah. I’ma start on breakfast.
Jen nods and leaves to do whatever girls do in the bathroom. Allen releases a sigh and before he heads to the kitchen he stops to finally look into the camera and acknowledge it as our little mini-movie comes to an end.
ALLEN CHANEY: I’ll let you all piece it together… just remember the structure and you can fill it all in yourselves. Set-Up. Punchline.
Allen winks and the scene comes to a close.
Well howdy there pardner.