Post by Allen and Ollie and Raccoon on Mar 24, 2024 23:38:23 GMT
'THE COMEDIAN' ALLEN CHANEY
Just Riffing
We open on Allen on the set of that talk show he did that one time. Just Riffing
A lot of money got put into this set.
A lot of people worked very hard to build it and run cameras and provide catering.
Make-up. Costumes. A live band. A live audience.
So much effort.
And it failed.
Allen stood in the middle of a physical representation of one of his failures.
There was a time this would likely give him an anxiety attack.
But there is a calm on the face of the Fountain City Funnyman.
Serenity. Acceptance.
This was supposed to fail. This was damage control and a desperate grasp for relevance at a time when he thought maybe he would never be able to fight again. This was him pleading with the world not to forget him.
This failure was the best thing that ever could have happened to him. He rediscovered the person he was born to be.
Oftentimes he would say things about this just being a job and a paycheck to him but that was more about how he wanted to be viewed professionally than anything.
The truth of the matter was that he lived for this shit. Allen clears his throats and takes a seat at the talk show desk, setting his ‘Pick Your Poison’ briefcase on the desk in front of him. Some dim lighting raises.
“Are we rolling?” Allen asks, looking up to the camera.
In 3..2…
“I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.”
-Bill Hicks
ALLEN CHANEY: I’m gonna kick El Grande Malo’s ass.
So this is how we start. Hell, it might be how we end. Wait, no it looks like this is gonna be an actual promo and not a weird short film. Allen is sitting on the discontinued set of ‘Funny Business’, his IWF talk show segment that got a single episode before the plug was pulled on it for a variety of reasons. ALlen was the one who made the call, though. Allen leans back and props his feet up on the desk.
ALLEN CHANEY: Hi there, it me. ‘Funnyman’ Alpo Chimney. You know I’m gonna kick El Grande Malo’s ass. I know I’m gonna kick El Grande Malo’s ass. Do you know WHY you know I’m going to kick his ass, though? Do you?
Allen waits a moment as if he is expecting an actual answer.
ALLEN CHANEY: It’s because I said I would.
Allen let’s us sit in the simplicity of that answer for a few moments before he continues.
ALLEN CHANEY: I need you all to listen to me and understand every single word that comes out of my mouth. Really process everything I’m about to say and then check my work. Are you ready? Here it comes.
Allen clears his throat.
ALLEN CHANEY: I have never. Ever. Not a SINGLE time since I’ve come back to this company from injury… made a promise I didn’t deliver on. I’ve kicked every ass I said I would kick. I’ve beat every single person that has been put in front of me. I’ve flat out TOLD YOU ALL you should really probably go for my knees and yet here we are! My surgically repaired knees are perfectly fine now. I have given you all every chance to make a liar out of me and every time you whizz it right down your pant leg. Yikes, you guys.
Allen clacks his tongue to really let that ‘yikes’ settle in.
ALLEN CHANEY: My biggest strength really is the chip on my shoulder when you get right down to it. Even in the days when I was a World Champion I was always fighting like I had something to prove. Looking for someone bigger and badder every day to give the old 10 dollar ‘Punchline and a Pin’ Combo with a side of fries. There’s a sea of dudes with washboard abs out there calling themselves ‘The Best’ or ‘The King’ and I want all of their heads on my fucking wall. If you’ve got gold in IWF…. you should probably be paying attention. Real fucking close attention. There’s gonna come a day where I’m gonna get bored making pancakes out of dudes like El Grande Malo and come for you.
A pause.
ALLEN CHANEY: And just so I’m making myself clear here, I absolutely am going to beat El Grande Malo. Jen will be there to watch and mean mug her opponent for the big show but you’ll excuse me if I show off for my special lady a bit. Maybe do a few flippy things so it’s an entertaining watch. I’m nothing if not an entertainer.
Allen spares a moment to look at his briefcase.
ALLEN CHANEY: Really there are two words that describe how I function here in IWF. I’m an Entertainer and I’m a Professional. I was first out with a briefcase, and now anyone with a functioning brain stem will tell you I’m the dude to watch for the Roulette. At ‘Pick Your Poison’ I walked right up to the biggest dude in the ring and put everyone on fucking alert and as soon as I could I got my briefcase and I was out of there. I put on a good enough show but… well I’m not paid by the hour. I make the same amount of money if I put on an hour-long mat classic as I do if I, for example, spike El Grande Malo on top of his head and leave with my absurdly hot future wife who I’ve now saved a lot of energy for. You know… for video games.
Allen awkwardly clears his throat.
ALLEN CHANEY: But really, ‘an example’ is what you can expect my opponent to be. El Grande Malo just gets to serve as yet another example of something I’ve proven over and over again. I get to keep my word once more, and I want everyone in the Roulette to be watching. I don’t want any more excuses. I don’t want any more of this ‘Gosh, I thought with a name like The Comedian I was just gonna be fighting a silly joke boy!’. No. You don’t get to have that excuse anymore. You will fight me like a man or I will fuck your god damn life up. No warnings. No taking it easy.
Allen takes one more look at the briefcase.
ALLEN CHANEY: I get to open this soon and find out what my ‘poison’ is. It’d be nice to have some sort of advantage but also like….
Allen shrugs.
ALLEN CHANEY: Put me in at number one or number thirty and either way y’all are gonna see something. I talk about ending matches early but make no mistake…I got stamina. I absolutely can go the distance if the situation calls for it. Yeah I know I’m a big boy but I know my limitations just as well as what I CAN do. I’m certainly not going to explode into powder after 20 minutes like Logan Sky or be strangled by my own sentient neck muscles like the Russian guy. I actually like that guy. You think I’m gonna have trouble keeping my breath because of my weight? You’re all gonna have trouble breathing when you see me grate Pax Stormcrow’s face off with Warren Harper’s abs. Hey Demon Slayer! I’m not really afraid of dudes who ‘slay; things that don’t even exist. Demon’s are about as real as your chance of taking the win in the Roulette.
Allen chuckles a little at his own joke.
ALLEN CHANEY: I’ll do shit in that ring that’ll make Nick Knight’s eyebrows raise all the way up and over his skull to meet his hairline. Once again TJ Alexander will attempt to change the game by showing up with Chutes and Ladders and Nick Danger, fresh off getting his ass beat by Wraith will get hurled over the top rope and be forced to retire and star in a reality show where he takes a job as an official in national parks who inspects animal penises. Coming soon to the Travel Channel…’Nick Danger: Dick Ranger’
Allen comes down from this weird tangent he’s on and looks at the camera.
ALLEN CHANEY: None of that was prepared material by the way, I’m just riffing. ‘Nick Danger: Dick Ranger’ is undeniably hilarious though. Hey, if anyone actually wants to pitch that show I am expecting a writing credit and a chance to fight Zak Bagans. I’m addicted to Ghost Adventures and I actually hate him.
Another tangent. Sometimes it’s hard to keep Allen focused when he gets going. He sees the briefcase and remembers where he is and what he’s supposed to be talking about.
ALLEN CHANEY: A lot of people I’ve fought over the years have told me I’m not funny. Comedy is subjective so that’s fine. I continue to make money doing comedy so what the fuck do they know? The truth of the matter is….and this is me kinda giving away my secret here… I don’t care if any of you think I’m funny. You aren’t my audience. My audience is….well… the audience. You exist as a means for me to spread what I do. See it makes sense that none of you find this funny because a lot of times it’s not funny when YOU are the punchline. Do you get it, yet? I’m The Comedian and you all…
Allen gestures as if he is gesturing to the rest of the IWF Roster.
ALLEN CHANEY: …You’re just a bunch of fucking jokes.
Allen’s smirk becomes…sinister.
ALLEN CHANEY: And if you’re all jokes? And I’m the Comedian? That means you’re all my bitches. Aren’t metaphors fun? Thanks, Aristotle! You old dead bitch.
I don't understand why Aristotle is catching strays either.
ALLEN CHANEY: The Roulette serves as an opportunity to confirm everything I’ve been saying about myself and ….joking does not mean that I take that lightly. It’s fun beating up the undercard but….this means am ain event match on a big show and that’s what I want. I want a Championship around my waist that tells everyone who ever looked down on the fat midwestern dude how fucking wrong they were about them. Show them that sucking Pax’s dick isn’t the only way they can Eat Crow. Kansas City is all about bringing home championships right now, after all.
Allen gives us a wink then realizes he’s mostly talked about the Roulette and not his actual next match.
ALLEN CHANEY: Anyway, I don’t know if I mentioned this at all but I’m gonna beat El Grande Malo. I’m gonna do that. ‘That’ being beat El Grande Malo. I’m gonna hit him a bunch of times and he’s not gonna like it and when he doesn’t get up I’m gonna pin him and the referee is gonna count to three and I’m gonna beat him.
A pause.
ALLEN CHANEY: ‘Him’ being El Grande Malo. Not the referee. I’ll beat up the referee to if they do something to really piss me off but beating him up isn’t part of the match.
Another long pause. Allen picks up his Briefcase and stands to walk offscreen. We remain on the shot of the desk for an uncomfortably long time until from offscreen….
ALLEN CHANEY: Oh right, uh…Set-up and Punchline or whatev-
The scene cuts out abruptly.
“At once I feel that comedy is this amazing sort of transcendent thing, and I'm also open to the fact that maybe it's just an evolutionary hiccup, something that upright apes do in their free time.”
-Bo Burnham
Well howdy there pardner.