I hate that fucking Paperclip

[Malaki Toala]

In a makeshift media studio, complete with a computer running the ever impressive Windows 98, we can see the now familiar figures of Joey and Malaki, standing in front of a rather shitty camera. Joey dusts down Malaki’s shirt before adjusting his own tie and turning to face the camera. Lucky us. 

Well, well, well… 

What have we here? 

I said Malaki would tear apart the opposition…. 

And low and behold that is precisely what happened. You know, you really all need to learn that you should listen to me more often. 

Joey smiles the biggest shit eating smile humanly possible. Don’t punch the screen though, IWF won’t cover those sort of injuries. 

So, the same roster of hapless chumps who we dispatch a week ago, only this time big guy it appears that one of them gets to leech off of your success! What gives? Is the Imperial Wrestling Federation really so desperate to make sure this doesn’t look like a total walk in the park for you that they have to pair you up with one of these hopeless bunch? 

Well, I guess that is more marketable but I get the feeling we’re doing all the leg work here. 

Which, FYI guys, means you should be paying my client the wage of two men. Maybe a little compensation for the fact he’s going to have to carry Moretta to a win out there this week? 

Let’s face it, nothing I am saying is inaccurate, the guy can barely speak without covering the front row in spit and last week, just like I said, we put his macho ass out of commission and left him laying on his back, even if he is violenter than violence of whatever. 

We? 

Yeah, we’re a team big guy. 

I didn’t see you hitting anybody. 

Are you kidding, you’d have been disqualified? I was just thinking about you, I would have totally had your back otherwise. 

Sure. 

What did I say about letting me do the talking? 

Malaki sighs and quickly realises resistance is futile. 

Good lad. Now, Moretta, I am going to make this incredibly simple for you. Simply don’t fuck up. Now, I know that may be hard for you to comprehend but this week my client really needs for you to not be a total and utter failure so you don’t tarnish his record in this competition. Now, if you can do that, maybe we’ll let you finish as runner up. Maybe not. Either way, if you mess this up, expect a letter from my solicitor for loss of earnings. 

Got that big guy? 

Do you need it translating into whatever drivel you speak? 

He speak’s Italian. 

My point exactly. 

Malaki closes his eyes and shakes his head, but unlike the rest of us, he resists a facepalm. That would be too over the top. 

As long as you do your level best not be pinned, we’ve got this for you Moretta and you can hold your head up high and be proud to finally have a victory under your belt, wouldn’t that be really swell? I mean it won’t mean anything in the grand scheme of things but that’s not the point, you’ll have something to tell your grandchildren about for the rest of your life. 

The night you won a match thanks to the next big thing. 

Although, judging by the quality of the opposition this week, perhaps it isn’t something to be massively proud of, I mean quite honestly this gaggle of mutes are hardly a great wall waiting to be assailed are they? I mean last week we made them look like total jokes and it seems that the fans didn’t feel fit to have mercy on them and just vote them both off. 

It must suck to be you guys. 

Now lightening is going to strike twice and I am not sure they’ll show the same mercy to you this week. 

Can lightening even do that? 

Sure, why not? Besides, how would you know, do you even have lightning where you come from? 

I come from Samoa, not Mars. 

Joey raises a finger to Malaki’s lips. 

Shhhh, you’re ruining your mystique, these wrestling virgins are huge on that! Don’t blow our cover… I mean the internet geeks may know you’re human but the ones who actually part with money haven’t figure that out yet. 

Joey laughs awkwardly and turns back to the camera, praying nobody heard that. 

Where were we? 

Oh yes, the two walking examples of incompetence. Right. 

Listen, guys, I could go on and on and on… and on about how much you suck, and boy do you, but let’s be honest, I have my doubts about you even showing up this week, I mean, especially after the beating you took at the hands of Malaki last week. It’s ok, a lot of men, if you can call them that, feel the same way. They look at the size of this beast and realise that it’s probably best to just quit while they’re ahead. 

We’ll totally understand. 

But! If you do decide to show up? Don’t say I didn’t warn you. We’re not here to play, we’re here to win that big contract and to leave a mark on this place, and make me an absolute shit ton of money but that’s neither here nor there. We won’t bat an eye lid about hurting you because it’s just business and a big guy tossing you around like rag dolls sells. I mean it sucks for you, but it’s great for us. 

There won’t be any holding back, no going soft, we’re going to hit hard. This business isn’t for boy scouts so if you’re not prepared to have your careers ended this week, I advise that you reassess your options. 

Malaki Toala is going to win the Gladiator’s tournament and when he does, he’s going to do the exact same thing he will do to you to that Imperial “champion” they have skipping around the place like his shit don’t stink. 

If you think you’re men enough to try and stop him, be my guest, take a shot at him. You’re just adding top his highlight reel of destruction and my bank balance. Be a hero, you’ll soon realise that it’s completely over rated without the super powers. 

This week the game is over, we’re going to make our mark and put down the gauntlet. We’re here to win and we’ll make damn sure we dispatch you two hopeless morons to take another step towards that. 

I promise. 

Joey turns away from the camera and back to the rather antiquated computer. 

Now, can somebody please explain to me how the hell to send an e-mail on this thing with that God damned paper clip butting his head in? I can’t stand that little bastard. 

Malaki rolls his eyes and he pushes Joey aside and begins to type away as our scene begins to fade with Joey stands by his side, jumping up and down giving him a pep talk and spurring him on. Pity for Toala is the only feeling we have left at this point.