Post by Allen and Ollie and Raccoon on May 19, 2024 8:24:57 GMT
'THE COMEDIAN' ALLEN CHANEY
FUCK ROBERTO VERONA SOMETHING SOMETHING FOUNTAINS
Nixon started auditing late-night show hosts because they were making jokes about him. Then, every single one of their staff got tax audits.
-Jim Jefferies
We open on Allen standing in front of a big beautiful fountain. This is the Bloch fountain at Union Station in Kansas City and it is a sight to behold even when viewed in as poor quality as it’s currently being viewed. This is all filmed vertically on his phone because IWF will no longer allow him to use any of their camera equipment or personnel. Allen is dressed like a tour guide for some reason, smiling wide in his ‘I Heart KC’ shirt and holding several pamphlets in his free hand.
ALLEN CHANEY: Hey there everyone! You know they call Kansas City the City of Fountains. There are over 200 fountains in the Kansas City Metro, making it the city with the second-most fountains in the world just behind Rome, Italy. This fountain is the Henry Wollman Bloch Fountain and every MINUTE it pumps up 9,225 gallons of water and has a tank that stores 85,000 gallons. To put that into perspective, that’s about 1/8th as much water as there is in an Olympic SIze Swimming Pool and if it were measured in fluid it represents the amount of fucks I don’t give about anything Roberto Verona is gonna do to me for calling him out for being a Cunt.
A woman in the background covers her child’s ears and takes him out of the shot.
ALLEN CHANEY: Alright, I’m on my break. I’ve got an hour before I head up that new tour where we all line up to tell Harrison Butker he’s a piece of shit. Oh hi! My name is Allen Chaney. I did exactly the fucking thing I said I was going to do because I’m not a liar. I’m booked in a match or whatever but mostly I’m gonna talk about hypocrisy. Doesn’t that sound fun?
Allen pauses as if waiting for a response before continuing.
ALLEN CHANEY: I can show you plenty of examples of matches where motherfuckers put their feet on the ropes and the ref don’t see anything. Plenty of examples of managers pulling shady shit on behalf of their talent and that giving their guy the win and not a single time have I ever seen them cutting to an instant replay to reverse the decision. But all of a sudden two dudes feet hit the mat at the same time and you’ve got the fucking Avengers of Instant Replay on deck to help create a world where our feet didn’t touch the mat at the same time. ‘If you look at it from THIS angle you see Harper’s foot land first but from THIS one angle it looks like Allen’s second foot possibly hit last by maybe barely a nanosecond and Verona just sent us a text that says ‘FATTY LOSES’ so if we rewind and play it from THIS angle and pause it you can see that Allen Chaney is actually levitating when he is thrown out of the ring and as we all know this means he is a Witch and Witchcraft disqualifies him from victory. Well time to box up this instant replay machine and see if we can return it since it’ll never be used again in an industry full of unpunished cheating and I’m legally blind and a fucking idiot so I can’t get much use out of it anyway. Consistency is cool. FATTY LOSES. Verona’s check better clear.’
Allen drops his ‘blind idiot ref’ persona.
ALLEN CHANEY: And now out of the blue I get booked again. I’d be an idiot not to think this was some kind of trap and you know what, Verona? I want it. I welcome it. I want you to bring out every goon you have on this roster and I want you to cheer them on as they stomp my fat ass into the ground. Just know that I’ll have a smile on my face as I do so and do you know why that is? It’s because all you’ll be doing is proving me right. You heard those people cheering for me at the end of our last show, right? The reason those people were cheering is the same reason you only call in people to study replays like it’s the fucking Zapruder footage of the Kennedy assassination when it’s to fuck over someone you don’t think is marketable. It’s the same reason the ginger and other guy didn’t really do anything to stop me when I made no secret of where I was in the building after I got in. It’s the same reason a bunch of fit security guards decided they weren’t fast enough to keep up with my fat ass. It’s because you’re a shitty boss. They cheered for me because fuck you, bossman. They let me run rampant backstage because fuck you, bossman. Those guards decided not to catch me because FUCK. YOU. BOSS. MAN.
Allen’s tone has become venomous.
ALLEN CHANEY: Roberto…YOU had the option to come to the table and make this right. YOU chose instead to make it clear that you cared very little about what I had to say and ignored me and then YOU have the audacity to tell Cliffy and other guy that THEY are the reason your show is all fucked up? You knew I’d be there so you delegated to them so in the end it wouldn’t look like you were at fault. Well, you don’t get to get away with that. Fuck you. You don’t only get to take credit when things are going well.
The venom gives way to a smirk.
ALLEN CHANEY: If I’m full of shit then answer me a question or two real quick. All this security you seem to have around whenever I get a little rowdy… what were they up to when Jack Ferriman was beat up so bad he needed medical attention? Where was that security when I was being fucking attacked backstage and damn near forced to retire? Say, we never did figure out who did that. You figure with all these cameras you got around to do instant replays on everything maybe there’d be some hint about who did that unless… maybe we don’t know because management was involved? They sure were awful quiet about it. Sure does make ya think. Jus’ sayin.
Allen’s tone makes it clear he’s just theorizing. No actual accusations…yet.
ALLEN CHANEY: Now you’ve got me across the ring from two people who are REAL marketable. Washboard abs and pretty faces and everything someone as short-sighted as Roberto Verona looks for in a star. Which is why I’m going to take exceptional pleasure in stomping on their heads. Nothing personal. By the end of this match I’ll have stomped your faces so hard into the dirt that everyone will assume that MOD stands for ‘Munching On Dirt’. I know how you fucks operate. You’d have a much harder time in this company if there was an instant replay but good news! That only exists to punish me so cheat away you cheaty fucks! Bring a gun or something, Berto don’t give two tugs of Willy's willy.
Allen shrugs.
ALLEN CHANEY: Serenity Holmes may not SEEM at first glance like someone I have a lot in common with but that’s not true! We both got arrested on the European tour so that’s something. I’m confident in their abilities and I feel like the goddamn Juggernaut right now so I like our chances. I mean…I like our chances if I don’t just show up and kick the referees ass and leave. Just kidding. Maybe.
Allen winks.
ALLEN CHANEY: Team MOD operates like a unit. They fight together, they train together, they are on the same wavelength. Well, I guess they can learn to take comfort in losing together. See y’all talk about this MOD System like you’re in a cult and let me tell you something about cults. Their members ain’t very smart and their leaders typically can talk smart but aren’t near as smart as they think they are. Operating as a unit these two idiot cultists combine to form one complete super-idiot. You can pick up wins against every tag team in IWF… but I’m fighting this whole goddamn company right now and I haven’t broken a sweat yet and believe me, my fat ass sweats easy. I’m a little swampy now and I’m just standing here. I have to make an example of you two. Push comes to shove and I’ll turn that ring into a little mini City of Fountains… see if I can get some arterial spray going. Front row may get wet. Set-up. Punchline.
Allen makes a kissy face to the camera before it suddenly cuts to black.
Well howdy there pardner.