10:35 in Kansas City

[Allen and Ollie and Raccoon]

'THE COMEDIAN' ALLEN CHANEY

10:35 in Kansas City

No Stand-Up quotes.

There’s business to attend to.

He returns backstage on his own feet greeted by a phone camera which took the footage we are watching. Blood pours down his face and he is laughing. The biggest smile on his face.

“What’s….so funny?” the person filming asks him.

“I’ll never write a bigger fucking joke than Roberto Verona.”

Sudden darkness.

Audio from Sacrifice.

‘Who’s laughing now?’

“Still me, you stupid bitch.”

An overhead light turns on to show Allen is in workout gear inside what looks like a repurposed old boxing ring.

He rolls his shoulders and neck a little bit.

“A lot of people think I have my back against the wall and the odds have been stacked against me.” Allen says, clacking his tongue a few times.

“A lot of people also like Drake’s music.” Allen adds as if these points have something to do with each other.

“The point is that a lot of people having the same opinion doesn’t necessarily mean they know what the fuck they’re talking about.” Allen says with a shrug.

“Do you remember what I said? When I said that if you had me attacked at that show that you’d only be proving my point? That’s only one chapter in a neat new book called ‘Roberto Verona Accidentally Gives Allen Chaney Everything He Wants’. I get a big chaotic fight. I get a chance at a shot at the belt. I get to beat the shit out of Roberto Verona. If all goes according to plan? I get Warren Harper and my shot at shoving it down y’alls throats the level I am on and have been on ever since I got back.” Allen says, speaking with complete conviction.

“So even though I’m in the ring with tough motherfuckers, I already find myself taking something of a victory lap because everything went exactly how I wanted it to to get me here. I’ve assembled all the pieces and now I just have to put them together. You ask anybody who has been keeping a close eye on my career. I’m the first to admit when I got beat and announce my failure to the world. Jen has seen how I get. She hasn’t seen that after the roulette because it never felt like I got beat. I know what getting beat feels like. That wasn’t it. So instead I found myself focused. Inspired. Given a Virtuous Purpose. I am the Paladin of Fuck Verona and I will Smite all in the way of my holy cause. The thing is? Even Roberto knows I’m right.” says The Comedian. One hell of a claim.

“So let’s talk about Freudian slips for a few penises. Seconds. I meant to say seconds. Amidst all of the smug arrogance ‘Berto spouts off about how wrong I am thinking I co-won that match… he still refered to me as ‘undefeated’ on Sacrifice. A word that means ‘Never Lost’. Now, I’m sure he’ll be quick to claim he meant ‘In standard matches’ and put some kind of new qualifier on that statement but uh… I think you said what you meant even if you didn’t mean to. You said what you actually believed. This is the last time I’ll be talking about the Roulette, by the way. I know it’s likely getting old. But what’s also getting old is being branded as a liar and a conman for having a backbone when all of you woulda lined up to tell him how his dick tastes.” Allen does the universal mime for said action.

“So like I said….all the pieces are in place. I just have to put them together. So let’s talk about the pieces. Pieces like Pax Stormcrow. A man out for revenge. Best believe I can respect that. I hope you take some measurement of revenge that satisfies you because you aren’t taking that briefcase. Hell, tell me what manner of violence you need assistance with to bust your John Wick Vengeance nut and I’ll give you a hand. I don’t necessarily got any issues with Zangief or his shaved caveman friend but like I said, I get it. You had your turn, though. I mean, your turn felt like it was 45 minutes but you had it. I’m gonna probably be saying this a lot but I do respect you and what you accomplished and I don’t diminish who you are and what you’re capable of. Pre-Roulette? You might have my number… but I’m on a warpath that... honestly? Even kinda scares me sometimes. You want revenge on two dudes. I want to embarrass this company's management and affect change and I’ll piledrive someone into a coma to get what I want. I can’t promise that person won’t be you. Sorry.” Allen says with a shrug.

“Tytus Rost. Show the picture again.” Allen says.



“Ha! Okay. Hey Ty! I like fighting you, you big beautiful beefy-necked fuck… but whether it be in the roulette or in the weird pro-roulette ladder thing I’ve shown that I’m just as much of a force in this ring as you are and I never had to have a scientist put Moscow Horse DNA in me to do it or whatever your whole deal is. You got a friend in this match. Hell of an advantage. Should be fun to see what the prospect of a future world title shot does to your friendship. Tale as old as time. In the name of friendship I suppose I have to beat you again. I’m just a softie like that. Who would I be if I let the briefcase harm the Bromance of Hashtag Cytus. That’s your ship name, by the way. I’d be an asshole if I didn’t do everything in my power to assure the both of you remained friends by depriving you the only thing that could come between that friendship. You can thank me later. I like pie and money.” Allen says, suggesting ways to thank him.

“Cyrus… I covered the friendship stuff but also you got a shiny egg head and I want to crack it open. Is that just a me thing? I see the light reflecting off a shiny bald dome and I’m like ‘let’s bust open and scramble that fucking egg’. I’m probably just weird. Anyway, you seem to be real proud of doing time in whatever slang Australia has for Prison. ‘The Vegemite Mines’ or whatever. I know a lot of people think doing prison time makes them real tough but really all it means is that at some point you were bad at crime. You did a crime goof and had to eat prison food instead of Tim Tams because of how dog shit you were at doing illegal things. You think you’re gonna steal this win? Well, history has shown you’re bad at stealing stuff only this time you ain’t gonna go to jail. A fat guy is going to step on your shiny head and get the thing you tried to steal. The American Justice system is weird.” Allen says, indulging in the brief fantasy of cracking open Cyrus’s head. Allen takes a breath before moving to his next point.

“So…I’ve been dancing around this for long enough but you’ve been showing your ass enough lately that I feel like maybe it’s time to address the elephant in the room…. Hey, Sabin. Where were you when someone took me out before my match against you? I think maybe it’s time to address that. I know how much you liked that Title. Maybe you didn’t so it but uh… when that bell rings I’ve decided I’m going to pretend that you did. Should be all the motivation I need. You know Fat Buu is more powerful than Kid Buu, yeah? Just imagine if Fat Buu had focus. Scary thought ain’t it? Maybe it’s time I look at you and everyone else in this match as something else besides opponents… potential candy?” Allen says, hoping people know enough about DBZ to get that reference.

“So that brings us to Roberto. I love my fiance so fucking much.” Allen says, seemingly saying two entirely unrelated things.

“Sometimes I just randomly think to myself ‘Fuck, I love that woman so goddamn much’ even when she isn’t around. I’m going to marry that woman soon and deep down I know that it’s going to have… competition when it comes to being the best day of my life because before that happens I get the chance to ‘Punchline’ Roberto Verona and show the world how bad of a boss he is. Show the world he’s not even half of the schemer or master manipulator he seems to think he is. Everyone in the past few weeks has been making this joke about how they need to up their game as a Hater after seeing Kendrick but me? Nah. I get it. Roberto…I hate the way that you walk, the way that you talk, the way you corrupted Serenity like she was nothing more than a pawn in this game of chess you seem to think we’re playing. I’m not mad, Serenity. I’m disappointed. You can always come back from a loss… but you don’t ever come back from being a sellout and a Benedict Arnold. That label is stuck on you forever now. Your every action becomes suspect.” Allen says, leveling with Serenity.

“I’ve really said all I need to say to Roberto. The only thing I have left to say to him will be a week from now when he’s in a wheelchair and has to pay Sellout Serenity to help him go to the bathroom because I’ve made fuckmuckery out of his spine… that’s when I’ll lean down to get on his level and tell him… ‘Look at what you did’. Because what’s about to happen you did to yourself, man. You may not think that now.. But you’ll understand soon.” Allen says, there’s a dark undercurrent to his voice.

“And then there’s one other piece… Warren. I know this is me jumping the gun a little bit here but uh.. It’s funny the things you say about me when I’m not around when from the very start of all this I never said a word about you being ‘undeserving’ or even that I won and you didn’t. You seem to think of me as some kind of con artist. Well let me make something incredibly clear. You will never be blindsided by me. I’ll never snipe at you from behind a camera lens or speak a single word of ill will toward you until I’m standing face to face with you. I guess you can call that integrity… but when I have you face-to-face I’m hoping to have a briefcase with me and I intend to tell you to your face the exact date I will cash it in. I’ll give you plenty of time to prepare, Demon Slayer.” Allen says. Maybe he’s lying. Who knows?

"I gave myself a rule early on in my career. I took the name ‘The Comedian’ and knew I’d be pretty violent in the ring but I always told myself ‘You never go full Joker’. There’s very little more cringe than unironically quoting The Dark Knight in your mid-to-late 30’s save for maybe pretending you’re a Dragonball Z character… but given that I’m looking to be the ‘Joker in the Pack’ I suppose I have to make an exception. So fuck it. I said I’d be a problem for all of you from day one and I told Verona that I would be the worst thing that’s ever happened to him and I…” Allen says. He takes a breath. No going back now.

“...I’m a man of my word. Set-up. Punchline.” Allen says. He takes a swig fro ma water bottle and starts running the ropes as we fade out…

Don't tell no lie bout me...