Post by J-TV on Jun 10, 2024 9:33:03 GMT
The following is a special broadcast of
The views and opinions expressed therein do not represent those of the Imperial Wrestling Federation or its staff.
TURN DOWN YOUR LIGHTS
(where applicable)
As the intro to 'J-TV Science Theater 3000' ends, the camera reverses through a series of numbered closing mechanical doors clicking into place down a colorful and dimly lit metal hallway. The final door opens to reveal a large movie screen, with the silhouette of a row of chairs just underneath.
Three shadows slowly shuffle their way in from the side, Jason Hathaway, Robbie the Cambot, and 'Goat', a teenager that Robbie is babysitting in a tattered Final Fantasy VII t-shirt and a plastic goat mask (That might actually be a Ram.)
As they take their seats, the screen in front of them flickers to life, a film beginning to play. A black and white title screen that seems ripped right out of a silent film proudly displays the title of the movie:
Three shadows slowly shuffle their way in from the side, Jason Hathaway, Robbie the Cambot, and 'Goat', a teenager that Robbie is babysitting in a tattered Final Fantasy VII t-shirt and a plastic goat mask (That might actually be a Ram.)
As they take their seats, the screen in front of them flickers to life, a film beginning to play. A black and white title screen that seems ripped right out of a silent film proudly displays the title of the movie:
Classical Grapples and Holds: Best of the Golden Age
"We have some vintage material to watch today, boys! I found this dusty old film-reel wedged behind my Grandma's entertainment center back on earth. The label is all worn out, but I think it says, 'The best of Logan Sky.'"
"Boy, isn't' that an oxymoron, huh?"
"We have some vintage material to watch today, boys! I found this dusty old film-reel wedged behind my Grandma's entertainment center back on earth. The label is all worn out, but I think it says, 'The best of Logan Sky.'"
"Boy, isn't' that an oxymoron, huh?"
Logan Sky vs. Renault Fury
British Rounds Match
As the film fades into a dingy ring set up in what looks to be a pub with a capacity crowd of about 30, A much younger looking Logan Sky and a burly fellow in a bright red singlet lock up and fight for control in the early-goings. Logan shoots Renault off into the ropes, and he stumbles on the way back before Logan barely grazes him with a lariat. Fury goes down anyways.
"British Rounds? Is that what they had to drink before they started wrestling?"
"No, British Rounds is just grizzled-vet code for 'boring.'
Renault is face up on the mat now, and Logan climbs to the second rope before shimmying his way to the center of the rope and dropping an elbow from it.
"Oh! How Gran Naniwa of him!"
"This is before his knees popped every time he took a step."
"No, British Rounds is just grizzled-vet code for 'boring.'
Renault is face up on the mat now, and Logan climbs to the second rope before shimmying his way to the center of the rope and dropping an elbow from it.
"Oh! How Gran Naniwa of him!"
"This is before his knees popped every time he took a step."
Logan drags Fury back up by the hair and lifts him up into a Fireman's Carry position, strain twisting his face and he falls back with a vicious Samoan drop!
"He didn't actually mean to drop him there, look at the heft on that big boy!"
"And that's how the first spinal fusion surgery came about, the first of many..."
"Of course, back then they didn't have the technology for it, so they wrapped some rubber bands around his vertebrae and held them on with gorilla glue."
Sky hooks the leg and gets the first fall of the match, but Renault is quick to stumble to his feet and head for the turnbuckle. Logan leaps after him with a running splash, but the massive Fury catches him in a bear hug, wrapping his trunk-like arms around Sky's lower back.
"Aw, that's sweet. A good cuddle never hurt anybody."
"Not unless you're a walking box of fine china like Logan."
Ultimately, Logan taps to the inescapable bearhug and is tossed aside. The referee attempts to reset them for the third round, but Logan is still down, writhing and clutching at his back. Eventually the match is thrown out, the bell rings, and Renault Fury is awarded the match!
"I was joking about the spinal surgery!
"Why is a match that ended in an injury stoppage on a best-of compilation?"
"I mean, by Logan Sky standards..."
"Oh yeah, that makes sense."
The film cuts out and switches to the next match.
Logan Sky vs. Christian Malice
OBW Championship Match
"I mean, by Logan Sky standards..."
"Oh yeah, that makes sense."
The film cuts out and switches to the next match.
Logan Sky vs. Christian Malice
OBW Championship Match
"A title match? Did he earn this one or did he get it handed to him by a poll?"
"Probably a poll, more people voted back then, you know?"
The matchup begins, taking place in a much larger arena, packed to the roof with fans. Logan stands opposite a trim blonde man with long black and gold tights. Flashbulbs erupt from the crowd as the trade blows in the center of the ring to start the match, before Logan loops an arm around his neck and takes Christian for a ride with a massive suplex!
"Hey, nice!"
"Logan better win against this scrawny little bastard or I'm gonna lose my mind."
Logan spreads his arms, soaking in the crowd before spinning back to his prone opponent and stomping a mudhole in him. Malice writhes under Sky's boot, massive red welts forming on his chest before he finally rolls away and out of the ring. Logan slides out after him, gripping him by the back of his head and sending him into the ring steps!
"I give that mudhole a solid 6 out of 10."
"He stomped it, but he didn't walk it dry."
Logan sends Malice back into the ring and slides in with him. Fists in his hair, Sky pulls him up to his feet and lifts him for a scoop slam-- No! Christian drops down behind and locks his arms around Logan's waist! German Suplex!
"Suplex City!"
"Eh, Suplex Township, more like."
"Suplex Cul-De-Sac."
Logan is quick to get back on his feet but Malice meets him with a running knee, right under the chin! Sky is back up again, ducks the clothesline and hits Malice with a powerslam on the rebound, briefly grabbing at his knee after the impact.
"Ope, Arthritis at that age? That's rough."
"What age? 72?"
"No, that was the last match, Goat."
Logan struggles back to his feet, hopping on one leg back to the ropes to hold himself up as Malice groggily sits up. Sky is hurt, but he has his chance! The crowd is going wild for him as he looks up at the corner, and then back to the champ! Logan's going up! He's going high risk!
"Don't do it! You've got a family! I mean... I assume. You have the body of a family man."
Logan is perched up top, but he's wobbly! Malice isn't up, he doesn't see Sky! He's up--No! Logan's knee gave out! He's crashed down to the mat! Malice sees his chance! He crawls over and covers! 1! 2! 3!
"Icarus doth fly too close to the sun!"
"His knee replacements were made of wax."
"Damn, if I didn't know any better, I'd say Logan's body is almost as big a choke artist as he is!"
The scene ends, and one final title card glows proudly on the silver screen, this one a bit more familiar.
Logan Sky vs. Jason 'J-TV' Hathaway
IWF Gladiator Television Championship
"Ooh! This one is gonna be good!"
"Yeah, talk about a dream match! this is like Cloud vs. Sephiroth! Or... Arieth vs... Sephiroth!"
"It's just a shame we all know how it's going to end, huh? It'll almost be sad, watching this broken-down old man try to keep up with the hottest rookie in IWF History."
The title card fades to an empty arena in Osaka, Japan. Jason stands up from his seat and leaves the theater.
"It's just a shame we all know how it's going to end, huh? It'll almost be sad, watching this broken-down old man try to keep up with the hottest rookie in IWF History."
The title card fades to an empty arena in Osaka, Japan. Jason stands up from his seat and leaves the theater.
Well howdy there pardner.