Post by J-TV on Jun 10, 2024 10:05:47 GMT
The following is a special broadcast of
The views and opinions expressed therein do not represent those of the Imperial Wrestling Federation or its staff.
TURN DOWN YOUR LIGHTS
(where applicable)
In the not-too-distant future, Next Sunday A.D
There was a guy named Jason, not too different from you or me.
He wrestled on Sacrifice and Oddysey, Record 6-0, on a winning streak.
They couldn't see the talent if it hit them in the face,
So they rebranded his TV Belt and shot him into space!
"We'll send him awful matches, the worst we can find!"
(la-la-la)
"He'll have to sit and watch them all, and we'll monitor his mind!"
Now keep in mind, Jay can't control when the matches begin or end!
(la-la-la)
Because he used those special parts to make his robot friends!
ROBOT ROLL CALL
ROBBIE!
(Pan left!)
WHISKERS!
(Hi girl!)
ROBO-MALO!
(Qué tipo tan genial!)
GOAAAAT!
(He just got off school.)
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts,
Just repeat to yourself: "It's a promo, I should really just relax."
For J-TV Science Theater 3000!
As the intro to 'J-TV Science Theater 3000' ends, the camera reverses through a series of numbered closing mechanical doors clicking into place down a colorful and dimly lit metal hallway, with the final door closing off a small space-station chamber with a table in the middle and a singular window looking out into the bleak vastness of outer space. After a brief moment of silence, a snarl as heard as a mountain lion wearing a purple robot helmet leaps up onto the table from off camera, spinning and rearing back on its haunches with a snarl towards a pair of hands reaching out from the left of the camera.
"Oh come on, Goat! I told you not to put it on her, she can barely see!"
Jason Hathaway walks into frame wearing a bright red jumpsuit and both the TV and Gladiator Championships around his waist. He reaches out to try and grab the helmet stuck on Whiskers' head, but the pissed-off lioness takes a swipe at him as he does so, narrowly missing his neck.
"I'm trying to help you, Whiskers! Don't be like this! Hey! A little help, please?"
The camera moves back and forth to signal a solid 'no' from Robbie the Cambot, but somebody does indeed come to Jason's aid; a scrawny looking teenager with dirty blonde hair, a tattered Final Fantasy VII t-shirt and a plastic goat mask, (perhaps somewhat closer to a ram?) sneaks up behind Whiskers and jumps up on top of her, causing her to screech and howl like a banshee, but giving Jason the moment he needs to yank the helmet off of the feline and toss it aside.
"Got it!" Jason declares, just as 'Goat' is bucked off of the table by Whiskers, who then pounces off screen before the sound of crashing metal is heard echoing throughout the room, followed by a panicked voice crying out. "¡El león me está quitando el bazo!"
Several metallic limbs fly over the desk as Jason ducks for cover, Goat slowly rising to his feet beside him. "Man, Whiskers is tearing him apart like Sephiroth tears apart that village in Final Fantasy VII! The one with the fire, and the dramatic look away?" Jason looks down at Goat with a scrunched face, before reaching out and grabbing the goat mask, pulling his back until the elastic strings holding it on were fully tense and letting it go to fly back into the kid's face with a snap. "Ow!" He whines, holding his hands over his face. "What the hell was that for? This cost me four whole dollars at the school store!"
Robbie cuts in from behind the camera
"Yeah? Well, Robo-Malo cost us about four-hundo, and he's sitting in about as many pieces right now. This is what happens when we try to corrupt nature with our technology, Goat. We can't put robot parts on large cats. It's against the natural way of things."
Jason looks towards the camera and leans forward on the desk, shaking his head at Robbie's eco-warrior tangent. "Knock it off, you guys. We have some vintage material to watch today! I found a dusty old film-reel wedged behind my Grandma's entertainment center back on earth. The label is all worn out, but I think it says 'The best of Logan Sky.'"
Robbie snickers, piping in: "Boy, is that an oxymoron." Jason gives a rather obscene gesture to the camera with his hand, shutting Robbie up. "Stop it now, give it a chance! Could be a hidden classic!" Goat nods along, grabbing Jason's arm and bouncing excitedly. "Yeah! Like anything made before 1997 that isn't a JRPG or an anime, it's not perfect, but it could still be okay!"
As Jason flicks Goats forehead, a light on the desk begins blinking. Jason spots it and reaches out to push it with his palm, as the doors behind them begin to open again. "We've got movie sign!" He calls out, as the camera zooms back through the colorful tunnel and into the silhouette of a movie theater. Jason, Goat, and Robbie's shadows shuffle in and take their seats as the black and white film begins to play on the screen, a title card that seemed ripped straight out of a silent film appears, bearing the text.
Classical Grapples and Holds: Best of the Golden Age
Logan Sky vs. Renault Fury
British Rounds Match
As the film fades into a dingy ring set up in what looks to be a pub with a capacity crowd of about 30, A much younger looking Logan Sky and a burly fellow in a bright red singlet lock up and fight for control in the early-goings. Logan shoots Renault off into the ropes, and he stumbles on the way back before Logan barely grazes him with a lariat. Fury goes down anyways.
"British Rounds? Is that what they had to drink before they started wrestling?"
"No, British Rounds is just grizzled-vet code for 'boring.'"
Renault is face up on the mat now, and Logan climbs to the second rope before shimmying his way to the center of the rope and dropping an elbow from it.
"Oh! How Gran Naniwa of him!"
"This is before his knees popped every time he took a step."
Logan drags Fury back up by the hair and lifts him up into a Fireman's Carry position, strain twisting his face and he falls back with a vicious Samoan drop!
"He didn't actually mean to drop him there, look at the heft on that big boy!"
"And that's how the first spinal fusion surgery came about, the first of many..."
"Of course, back then they didn't have the technology for it, so they wrapped some rubber bands around his vertebrae and held it on with gorilla glue."
Sky hooks the leg and gets the first fall of the match, but Renault is quick to stumble to his feet and head for the turnbuckle. Logan leaps after him with a running splash, but the massive Fury catches him in a bear hug, wrapping his trunk-like arms around Sky's lower back.
"Aw, that's sweet. A good cuddle never hurt anybody."
"Not unless you're a walking box of fine china like Logan."
Ultimately, Logan taps to the inescapable bearhug and is tossed aside. The referee attempts to reset them for the third round, but Logan is still down, writhing and clutching at his back. Eventually the match is thrown out, the bell rings, and Renault Fury is awarded the match!
"I was joking about the spinal surgery!"
"Why is a match that ended in an injury stoppage on a best-of compilation?"
"I mean, by Logan Sky standards..."
"Oh yeah, that makes sense."
The film cuts out and switches to the next match.
Logan Sky vs. Christian Malice
OBW Championship Match
"A title match? Did he earn this one or did he get it handed to him by a poll?"
"Probably a poll, more people voted back then, you know?"
The matchup begins, taking place in a much larger arena, packed to the roof with fans. Logan stands opposite a trim blonde man with long black and gold tights. Flashbulbs erupt from the crowd as the trade blows in the center of the ring to start the match, before Logan loops an arm around his neck and takes Christian for a ride with a massive suplex!
"Hey, nice!"
"Logan better win against this scrawny little bastard or I'm gonna lose my mind."
Logan spreads his arms, soaking in the crowd before spinning back to his prone opponent and stomping a mudhole in him. Malice writhes under Sky's boot, massive red welts forming on his chest before he finally rolls away and out of the ring. Logan slides out after him, gripping him by the back of his head and sending him into the ring steps!
"I give that mudhole a solid 6 out of 10."
"He stomped it, but he didn't walk it dry."
Logan sends Malice back into the ring and slides in with him. Fists in his hair, Sky pulls him up to his feet and lifts him for a scoop slam-- No! Christian drops down behind and locks his arms around Logan's waist! German Suplex!
"Suplex City!"
"Eh, Suplex Township, more like."
"Suplex Cul-De-Sac."
Logan is quick to get back on his feet but Malice meets him with a running knee, right under the chin! Sky is back up again, ducks the clothesline and hits Malice with a powerslam on the rebound, briefly grabbing at his knee after the impact.
"Ope, Arthritis at that age? That's rough."
"What age? 72?"
"No, that was the last match, Goat."
Logan struggles back to his feet, hopping on one leg back to the ropes to hold himself up as Malice groggily sits up. Sky is hurt, but he has his chance! The crowd is going wild for him as he looks up at the corner, and then back to the champ! Logan's going up! He's going high risk!
"Don't do it! You've got a family! I mean... I assume. You have the body of a family man."
Logan is perched up top, but he's wobbly! Malice isn't up, he doesn't see Sky! He's up--No! Logan's knee gave out! He's crashed down to the mat! Malice sees his chance! He crawls over and covers! 1! 2! 3!
"Icarus doth fly too close to the sun!"
"His knee replacements were made of wax."
"Damn, if I didn't know any better, I'd say Logan's body is almost as big a choke artist as he is!"
The scene ends, and one final title card glows proudly on the silver screen, this one a bit more familiar.
Logan Sky vs. Jason 'J-TV' Hathaway
IWFGladiator Television Championship
"Ooh! This one is gonna be good!"
"Yeah, talk about a dream match! this is like Cloud vs. Sephiroth! Or... Arieth vs... Sephiroth!"
"It's just a shame we all know how it's going to end, huh? It'll almost be sad, watching this broken-down old man try to keep up with the hottest rookie in IWF History."
The title card fades to an empty arena with an equally empty ring in Osaka, Japan, the same arena where Odyssey is to take place. Jason stands up from his seat and begins to shuffle out of the theater.
"Where you goin' Jason?"
"You saw the card, Goat. I have work to do. You guys stay put, alright? Got something I have to do."
"I swear to god, if you let that cat in here..."
The sound of the clicking mechanical doors is heard in the background, and Robbie and Goat shift uncomfortably in their seats for an awkward period of silence. Suddenly, familiar music begins to play through the speakers of the theater.
Sferic Waves echoes through the empty Osaka arena as Jason Hathaway makes his way out onto the stage still wearing his red jumpsuit, a belt slung over each shoulder as he saunters down to the ring. There are no lights or flashy effects to accompany him, and he doesn't waste any time sliding under the bottom rope. His music doesn't even fade out, and Jason has nothing more to say, anyway.
Instead, he slides his belts off his shoulders and lays them down on the mat, before sitting down cross legged in front of them. Raising a hand, he taps an invisible watch on his wrist and gestures towards the curtain, begging Logan to hurry up and meet him. Through the blaring, echoing music bouncing off of the empty building walls, Jason shouts into the camera, loud enough to be heard.
"You and me, old man. Let's make a movie together."
Sky hooks the leg and gets the first fall of the match, but Renault is quick to stumble to his feet and head for the turnbuckle. Logan leaps after him with a running splash, but the massive Fury catches him in a bear hug, wrapping his trunk-like arms around Sky's lower back.
"Aw, that's sweet. A good cuddle never hurt anybody."
"Not unless you're a walking box of fine china like Logan."
Ultimately, Logan taps to the inescapable bearhug and is tossed aside. The referee attempts to reset them for the third round, but Logan is still down, writhing and clutching at his back. Eventually the match is thrown out, the bell rings, and Renault Fury is awarded the match!
"I was joking about the spinal surgery!"
"Why is a match that ended in an injury stoppage on a best-of compilation?"
"I mean, by Logan Sky standards..."
"Oh yeah, that makes sense."
The film cuts out and switches to the next match.
Logan Sky vs. Christian Malice
OBW Championship Match
"A title match? Did he earn this one or did he get it handed to him by a poll?"
"Probably a poll, more people voted back then, you know?"
The matchup begins, taking place in a much larger arena, packed to the roof with fans. Logan stands opposite a trim blonde man with long black and gold tights. Flashbulbs erupt from the crowd as the trade blows in the center of the ring to start the match, before Logan loops an arm around his neck and takes Christian for a ride with a massive suplex!
"Hey, nice!"
"Logan better win against this scrawny little bastard or I'm gonna lose my mind."
Logan spreads his arms, soaking in the crowd before spinning back to his prone opponent and stomping a mudhole in him. Malice writhes under Sky's boot, massive red welts forming on his chest before he finally rolls away and out of the ring. Logan slides out after him, gripping him by the back of his head and sending him into the ring steps!
"I give that mudhole a solid 6 out of 10."
"He stomped it, but he didn't walk it dry."
Logan sends Malice back into the ring and slides in with him. Fists in his hair, Sky pulls him up to his feet and lifts him for a scoop slam-- No! Christian drops down behind and locks his arms around Logan's waist! German Suplex!
"Suplex City!"
"Eh, Suplex Township, more like."
"Suplex Cul-De-Sac."
Logan is quick to get back on his feet but Malice meets him with a running knee, right under the chin! Sky is back up again, ducks the clothesline and hits Malice with a powerslam on the rebound, briefly grabbing at his knee after the impact.
"Ope, Arthritis at that age? That's rough."
"What age? 72?"
"No, that was the last match, Goat."
Logan struggles back to his feet, hopping on one leg back to the ropes to hold himself up as Malice groggily sits up. Sky is hurt, but he has his chance! The crowd is going wild for him as he looks up at the corner, and then back to the champ! Logan's going up! He's going high risk!
"Don't do it! You've got a family! I mean... I assume. You have the body of a family man."
Logan is perched up top, but he's wobbly! Malice isn't up, he doesn't see Sky! He's up--No! Logan's knee gave out! He's crashed down to the mat! Malice sees his chance! He crawls over and covers! 1! 2! 3!
"Icarus doth fly too close to the sun!"
"His knee replacements were made of wax."
"Damn, if I didn't know any better, I'd say Logan's body is almost as big a choke artist as he is!"
The scene ends, and one final title card glows proudly on the silver screen, this one a bit more familiar.
Logan Sky vs. Jason 'J-TV' Hathaway
IWF
"Ooh! This one is gonna be good!"
"Yeah, talk about a dream match! this is like Cloud vs. Sephiroth! Or... Arieth vs... Sephiroth!"
"It's just a shame we all know how it's going to end, huh? It'll almost be sad, watching this broken-down old man try to keep up with the hottest rookie in IWF History."
The title card fades to an empty arena with an equally empty ring in Osaka, Japan, the same arena where Odyssey is to take place. Jason stands up from his seat and begins to shuffle out of the theater.
"Where you goin' Jason?"
"You saw the card, Goat. I have work to do. You guys stay put, alright? Got something I have to do."
"I swear to god, if you let that cat in here..."
The sound of the clicking mechanical doors is heard in the background, and Robbie and Goat shift uncomfortably in their seats for an awkward period of silence. Suddenly, familiar music begins to play through the speakers of the theater.
Sferic Waves echoes through the empty Osaka arena as Jason Hathaway makes his way out onto the stage still wearing his red jumpsuit, a belt slung over each shoulder as he saunters down to the ring. There are no lights or flashy effects to accompany him, and he doesn't waste any time sliding under the bottom rope. His music doesn't even fade out, and Jason has nothing more to say, anyway.
Instead, he slides his belts off his shoulders and lays them down on the mat, before sitting down cross legged in front of them. Raising a hand, he taps an invisible watch on his wrist and gestures towards the curtain, begging Logan to hurry up and meet him. Through the blaring, echoing music bouncing off of the empty building walls, Jason shouts into the camera, loud enough to be heard.
"You and me, old man. Let's make a movie together."
Well howdy there pardner.