Post by Allen and Ollie and Raccoon on Jun 10, 2024 18:48:50 GMT
'THE COMEDIAN' ALLEN CHANEY
Godzilla with Dick Jokes
ALLEN CHANEY: Konnichiwa, bitches! For those of you just tuning in, my name is Allen Chaney. I’m a Pro Wrestler, Comedian, and I am professionally Midwestern. I am bisexual…Happy Pride Month.. and happily engaged to a woman who may or may not be one of my bosses. That much hasn’t been adequately explained to me yet and I should probably ask her about it. I have a High School Diploma, two years of Junior college under my belt, a solidly girthy penis, and… oh yeah! I have the Joker in the Pack briefcase!
Allen holds up the briefcase for everyone to see, now complete with a big Kansas City Chiefs sticker on the outside.
ALLEN CHANEY: I’ve got the Briefcase. I stomped on Roberto’s head. I set the date with my awesome future wife… Logic would dictate that maybe I had earned a chance to take things slow. Chill out a little bit.
Allen seems to briefly consider the prospect of chilling out and shakes his head.
ALLEN CHANEY: But I ain’t got an off switch. I did all my relaxing when my knees were fucked up. Nah… the officially recognized ‘Rampage’ may be over but as the old saying goes ‘The beatings will continue until morale improves’. Whose morale? Mine? Yours? I guess I’ll just have to keep beating people up til we all find out together. Thank you all for joining me on this magical journey of violence. I saved you a seat to come along with me. Sit right next to me. Hold my hand. Look at me. I love you. Say it back. SAY IT BACK.
Allen pauses and stares directly into the camera to allow the weirdness of this moment to sink in completely before moving on.
ALLEN CHANEY: Anyway... my contract seems to be lacking a signature…and that’s fine. Oh NOW you got jokes, Berto? Cute. You’d expect me to be mad or bothered but honestly? If I ever took an L as hard as Verona did then I’d maybe pull some bullshit like he did as well. Truth be told I wasn’t in the proper mindset when I tried to cash this in. I was beat to shit and both thinking clearly and… well I meant what I said when I said my intent is to not be a shitheel about cashing this in. Granted it woulda been a pretty even fight as that night I’d been put through 40 ladders or some shit but still. Not cool, past Allen.
Allen wags a finger in shame at past Allen.
ALLEN CHANEY: I said it with my whole chest when I told the man in charge to stop me and he just fucking couldn’t do it. I did it that way because I’m not interested in doing things the easy way the way some people I won’t name-just kidding-named Serenity Holmes do. I told myself there will be no instant replays. There will be no controversy or accusations of favoritism. I will take the path of MOST resistance so that when I am standing on top of the world there is zero question that I got up there on my own… But now I find myself staring down a different beast. Heir and Heiress to the Throne.
Allen mimics putting a crown on his head.
ALLEN CHANEY: If I can win a tag match against two impressive competitors with someone in my corner actively working against me then surely now with so much on the line I’ve got it made in the shade, right? Well, not exactly.
Allen takes a deep breath. It was time to more directly address the elephant in the room.
ALLEN CHANEY: I’ve got this image stuck in my head. This image of Verona ordering his Legion to pick Sabin up and help him up the ladder while I was down and… then I think about when I got taken out and injured before our TV Title match and… yeah, something tastes like mud. Something you still haven’t addressed. Hey, speaking of which… isn’t it crazy that in a series of matches called ‘Uneasy Alliance’ that Sabin ended up paired with his tag partner totally at random? Gosh, that’s so weird.
With a roll of his eyes, Allen decides it is time to go deeper.
ALLEN CHANEY: I’ve looked forward to another proper fight with Sabin for some time but something’s been off about you for a while, kid. If you think I’m going to go easy on you because I’ve got this briefcase and just beat you then you clearly don’t know who you’re fucking dealing with. I’ve never held a single championship in this company and your picture has been on the header of the IWF website for a solid four years or some shit now. You’ll forgive me if I don’t really sympathize with your struggle when Verona can barely keep up giving you opportunity after opportunity with your balls in his mouth. You’re gonna talk a big game. You’re gonna smirk and say some shit about how you bet the fight in me is gone now that I’ve got this briefcase… but with Black Widow, Verona, and the Legion trying to help you up while also trying to keep me down… I was still the only one left standing.
A pause.
ALLEN CHANEY: That’s fucking pathetic. Frankly, if you don’t square up and show me something then you may as well fucking stay at home. If you can find the guy that fought me to a draw in PWE then let me know and send him instead. I’m losing hope that he’s still around. Ope, hang on.
Allen has realized a group of tourists have gathered around him and he holds up the peace sign and smiles for a picture.
ALLEN CHANEY: Alright, say ‘Comedian Ichiban!’ on three guys…1…2…3.
The group all join him in saying ‘Comedian Ichiban’ and the picture gets taken. Allen waves to them as they leave.
ALLEN CHANEY: Anywho, I may not know Natasha Walker very well but I know they are capable. I can work with that. Hell, I’ve found success with less. I’m not gonna ask you to ‘follow my lead’ or some cocky shit like that. Let’s just vibe with each other, do our thing, and at the end of the night we can send Sabin and his uncreatively nicknamed partner home with a few bumps, a few bruises, and a clawing doubt that they truly deserve to be holding the belts they’ve got. Cool? Cool.
Allen gives a thumbs up.
ALLEN CHANEY: I’m honestly a pretty easy guy to get along with if you aren’t being a complete asshole, it’s just been pretty hard to find evidence of that in IWF because most people here are big assholes. Every other day someone is double-crossing someone or some shit. It’s downright Shakespearean. At the very least I know I can trust Natasha because we both got a goal in mind… Whatever some shady customer has to offer her can’t be more appealing than a seat on the throne and it makes sense, always having a comfy place to sit is dope. That’s what we’re all really fighting for, right? Not having to sit in uncomfortable folding chairs anymore?
Allen briefly fantasizes about the cushioned future he and his bottom will soon be enjoying at the end of all of this.
ALLEN CHANEY: At the end of the day that’s really all I want. I want some respect put on my name, maybe a nice slice of pie, and a comfortable place to sit. If only life could be so simple. The truth is you gotta work for that shit and let me tell ya…I’m willing to put in the work in ways a lot of you just flat out aren’t. Maybe that’s kind of a dick thing to say but I’m eager to see any of you prove me wrong.
Allen shrugs.
ALLEN CHANEY: In the era of Kings and Queens there is none more powerful than the Jester. Those paid to sit in mockery of the throne while others are forced to revere it. Who does that sound like to you?
Allen pauses as if anticipating an answer from us.
ALLEN CHANEY: Yeah, we all know there’s only one correct answer to that question. I’m Godzilla with Dick Jokes and I’m about to stomp on the Budokan. Anyway, I’ve got more touristy shit to do. Set-Up. Punchline.
Allen gives the camera a wink as he walks away.
A pause until we hear The Comedian from off-screen.
ALLEN CHANEY: The fuck do you mean they closed the Gundam Cafe? God da-
And an abrupt cut to darkness.
Well howdy there pardner.