Bad For You

[Allen and Ollie and Raccoon]

THE COMEDIAN' ALLEN CHANEY
Bad For You

“Nah.” Allen says to his manager.

Daniel Fitzsimmons was having a hard time getting straight answers from his client and it was really frustrating him lately. We are in the office of the 7 foot tall retired wrestler turned branding and marketing consultant formerly known as ‘Danny Daemon’ whose first coffee of the day sits untouched on his desk.

Hi, I’m the narrator. You can’t actually hear me but I recently experienced a rough jostling of my inner head meats against my skull so sorry if any of this doesn’t make any sense. Anyway, Allen finally looks up from his phone to look at Daniel who arches an eyebrow, his arms folded.

“What?” Allen asks.

“Frankly, I don’t care if you did know. I’m all for anything that gives you a leg up… but it’d be nice if you looped me in.” Daniel says.

“I’m telling you I didn’t know. Point blank. Honest. Swear to Carlin.” Allen says. Okay, now Daniel believed him.

“To your knowledge has she ever bent the rules in your favor behind the scenes?” Daniel asks, happy to finally be making some progress in this conversation.

“You kiddin? What part of what I’ve done since I got here has made me look like management was on my side?” Allen asks, finally setting his phone down.

“Not that you made it particularly easy for management to like you.” Daniel says in with a bit of scoff.

“Yeah well, same to them.” Allen replies.

“It’s management. No one likes their boss. You still do the work you're told.” Daniel says.

“If I wanted to unquestionably answer to some prick in a tie to beg for fuckin scraps I had plenty of opportunities in my 20’s to go get an office job. You’ll notice that I didn’t. I’m not interested in backstage politics, I’m not interested in being nice to people who shit on me just to get ahead in life, and I didn’t get into this business to literally or metaphorically suck the dick of someone more successful than me for a shit. I fight for my shots, I’ll call Verona a bitch to his face, and if I ever suck another dick in my life it’ll be Ryan Reynolds.” Allen says. There is a pause.

“Jennie and I agreed he’s my Hall Pass.” he adds.

“I definitely did not need to know that last part. You have to at the very least understand the perspective people will have of you now because of this. From this point forward anything good that falls into your lap in this company is going to raise the eyebrows of everyone around you. Jennie…hasn’t done you any favors in that regard. Anything you don’t openly struggle for is going to look suspect.” Daniel says, his tone shifting. He wants Allen to understand but knows he doesn’t enjoy being talked down to.

“If I gave a shit about the things my coworkers likely said behind my back I’d probably be a good 50 pounds lighter… but I guess I see your point. I don’t necessarily see what I could do about it.” Allen says, taking one of those clacky-ball things off of Daniel’s desk and playing with it.

“Like I said, I’m not opposed to you leaning into it. Letting her help you. People are going to suspect she’s doing it no matter what. May as well reap some actual benefits from it.” Daniel says, Allen sets the item back on his desk.

“Yeah… no. Not only am I not interested… I’m not doing anything that’s gonna put Jen under any more scrutiny than she’s dealing with already. She works hard. The fact that she was working even harder than I thought she was for so long kind of blows my mind… and it kind of pisses me off that she’s only going to get vitriol for it instead of praise. Thankfully I have a job that provides a suitable outlet for my anger. Speaking of which.” Allen says, standing up from his chair.

“Solid meeting, talk to ya later. Get back to me about that Lawyer thing.” Allen picks up his Joker in The Pack briefcase and heads to the door.

“You really don’t have to carry that thing everywhere.” Daniel calls after Allen, shaking his head when the door closes and picking up his coffee to have a sip, releasing a displeased sound when he realizes it’s gone cold.

---

We find ourselves in Allen’s home office in Kansas City again. Bill is batting at a moth flying around the room.

Promo time.

ALLEN CHANEY: Did all the things I said I’d do. Again. Maybe sent someone a Luke Walton jersey afterward to be kind of a dick. My brain is stuck on the fact Verona is gonna show his face in front of me. This is very much his last chance for this to be over. He’ll sign my shit or I will rededicate my life to ruining his. It’s really that simple. You do not want this, Verona. Ask anyone with a functioning fucking brainstem and they’ll tell you the same. Allen Chaney is bad for you. Allen Chaney is a game you can’t win. You may as well be playing the Elden Ring DLC drunk, blindfolded, actively on fire, and using your flaccid dick instead of your hands. Props for being tough and obstinate I guess, but everyone watching is less impressed and more wondering why The Human Torch is slapping his floppy wiener against a PS5 controller. Yes, this metaphor still works. Shut up.

Allen lets us all marinate in that mental image for a few moments before he continues.

ALLEN CHANEY: Allen and Jen win. Everyone can feel however they want about that, I suppose. If you’re under the impression that you can come up to me and tell me all the negative feelings you have about that and talk shit about my Fiance to my face, then I will take a brief moment to direct you to the nearest bag of shit you can eat. It’s not that I think anyone is ever beyond criticism. I’m just not gonna convince you of any different so in the end you’re wasting your time but more importantly you are wasting MY time. That’s time I could be using to do fun cool tourist stuff in Japan and instead I have to listen to your fucking conspiracy theories about how I get more title shots than you do when I’ve not had a single title shot since returning to this company.

A pause.

ALLEN CHANEY: Not. A. Single. One.

Allen stares directly into the camera. He really wanted to put emphasis on this for anyone who wants to bring his level of influence and integrity into question. There is a loud noise as Bill pounces at the curtains to try and get the moth.

ALLEN CHANEY: And now people are trying to bring my life with Jen outside of the ring into this and question things about my relationship. You and the rest of the Cleveland Cavaliers can fuck all the way off with that shit. To put it quite simply, I don’t mix work and my home life. If you try to blur the edge of that then you’re an asshole… and to paraphrase a Mel Brooks classic lately it feels like I’m surrounded by assholes.

Allen rolls his eyes. Also, this warranted a new viewing of Spaceballs. Been a minute.

ALLEN CHANEY: Anyway…all of this has the match this week feeling secondary but I’m not half-assing anything. I’m a goddamn professional. Phil, Mimi. Nice to meet you. I got reservations at the Tokyo Disneyland Hotel with a super hot lady and I’d like to get you out of the way and get to that as quick as possible. I wrote ‘Ride Big Thunder Mountain with a super hot lady who will marry me’ in a goals journal when I was 13 so please enjoy your $10.99 ‘Punchline and a Pin’ combo as I have stuff to do that will make the ghost of Walt Disney blush as he watches. I WANT HIM TO WATCH.

A pause.

ALLEN CHANEY: What the fuck was I talking about?

A deep breath as Comedian.exe reboots.

ALLEN CHANEY: Right, okay. A lotta you these days can’t seem to keep mine and Jen’s name outta your mouths… That’s fine. Keep it up. Have your fun. Just don't be surprised when you get booked against me and our names in your mouth take on a different flavor… Kinda salty and coppery. Setup. Punchline.

And just in time, Bill knocks over the tripod in an attempt to swat at the moth he’s been hunting before we fade out…