Post by Eddie D. on Jul 7, 2024 20:56:04 GMT
”Sup?”
{ Not exactly the intro I had planned but it’s been a while since I’ve done one of these. }
”Long time, no promo amirite?”
{ Since Decemberish? I’d have to check with Jake. That’s of course assuming that promo we did with Spike over in the XHF doesn’t count, and it doesn’t, because Roberto says that promotion isn’t canon. }
”So I’m back ya’ll.”
{ Not exactly feeling the hype but hey it’s a start. }
”I’m back to BEAT ASS AND TAKE NAMES!”
{ I feel the hype! }
”It’s been too goddamn long boys and girls and everything in between! TOO LONG! Too long since I stood in that ring, since I heard the roar of the crowd, since I locked horns with the best of the best of the best!”
{ SIR! }
”And lemme tell you I fucking missed it! I missed the shit out of it! Not at first but I already gave you guys the sob story when I made my surprise return at IWF Presents: Forbidden Window or whatever that show was called!”
{ Rising Suns but hey, we love a fourth wall break. }
”When I stood in that ring I knew I made the right decision to come back. I felt the adrenaline pumping, the hair on the back of my neck stood up and I knew I was right where I’m belong! It may make me sound like a sappy son of a bitch and I’m totally fine with that. IWF has been my home for over a decade and I just didn’t feel right not being here.”
{ It felt like how I imagine a dog who lives next to a dog park who stopped going because they were really depressed after their friend died. }
”I bet you’re wondering what the wake up moment was for me? I bet you all want that deep look into the real life of Rob Diamond and how he processed his sadness and came back to the company he loves. I bet you want to spend the next six to nine weeks watching in excruciating detail as I take you behind the scenes and show you me growing as a person until I made my triumphant return to the IWF. I bet you’re expecting a high quality documentary like segment in every single one of my promos that cultivates with whenever I earn a title shot.”
{ You’d be thinking wrong. }
”Well instead of dragging that story out like the CW did Supernatural after it’s logical conclusion point of season five, I’m going to give you the full show right here, right now!”
{ It’s sometime between when Steve Awesome unfortunately passed and when Rob Diamond, me, returned at Rising Suns. We are deep within the bowels of the Diamond-Kane estate and Rob, myself, is deep into his third pint of Ben and Jerry’s Chocolatey Love A-fair while laying with feet up in a recliner we definitely found on the side of the road. Mama Kane is standing in the background, clearly upset. As I cap off my third pint and reach to my personal ice cream fridge next to the recliner, Mama approaches. }
Rob: Babe, I think we’re out of the slave one, do we have any impower-mint in the other freezer?
{ Mama kicks the fridge door closed on my hand. }
Rob: What in the heck!?
{ I oversell the hand crush by rolling off the recliner, my bathrobe from the eighties falling open to reveal my twig and berries before coming to a stop on my knees. Mama stands over me like a typical master in a BDSM relationship and I find myself suddenly aroused. }
Rob: Where’s your strap on?
{ She slaps me straight across the face! }
Rob: Baby, I’m not really feeling face stuff today.
{ Another slap. }
Rob: Ok, ok, clearly you’re ma-
{ SLAP! }
Rob: What the fuck!?
{ I stand up. }
Mama: Done fucking around yet!?
Rob: What the hell are you talking about!? You came at me all hot and heavy like you wanted to fu-
{ SLAP! }
Rob: At some point this is going to go from kinky to abuse.
Mama: You want me to stop hitting you?
Rob: Kinda?
{ She raises her hand and I wince. }
Mama: Then get off your skinny fat ass, claw your way out of this basement and get the fuck on with your life!
Rob: But I’m depressed.
{ She rears back again. }
Rob: Ok! Ok! I’ll leave the basement but I’m still sad!
Mama: It’s fine to be sad, Rob, no one expects you to just get over it but you can’t just sit down here and wallow in self pity.
Rob: Yeah but-
Mama: I know! You guys weren’t talking when it happened but that isn’t all your fault! He had your number too, he could have reached .
{ I look at the floor and my uncut toenails. }
Mama: Besides, you think this is what he’d want for you? To just sit here eating politically charged ice cream until the day you die?
Rob: Probably not.
Mama: Of course not. And this isn’t what your family wants either. We need you.
{ She places her hand on my cheek. }
Mama: Your family needs you.
Rob: I know.
Mama: The fans need you too.
Rob: You think so?
Mama: I know so.
Rob: I just don’t know if I can do it…
Mama: Do what?
Rob: Be who I used to be.
Mama: You don’t need to be who you used to be. Be who you are now.
Rob: And who’s that?
Mama: Only one way to find out.
{ Fade out. }
Rob: Babe, I think we’re out of the slave one, do we have any impower-mint in the other freezer?
{ Mama kicks the fridge door closed on my hand. }
Rob: What in the heck!?
{ I oversell the hand crush by rolling off the recliner, my bathrobe from the eighties falling open to reveal my twig and berries before coming to a stop on my knees. Mama stands over me like a typical master in a BDSM relationship and I find myself suddenly aroused. }
Rob: Where’s your strap on?
{ She slaps me straight across the face! }
Rob: Baby, I’m not really feeling face stuff today.
{ Another slap. }
Rob: Ok, ok, clearly you’re ma-
{ SLAP! }
Rob: What the fuck!?
{ I stand up. }
Mama: Done fucking around yet!?
Rob: What the hell are you talking about!? You came at me all hot and heavy like you wanted to fu-
{ SLAP! }
Rob: At some point this is going to go from kinky to abuse.
Mama: You want me to stop hitting you?
Rob: Kinda?
{ She raises her hand and I wince. }
Mama: Then get off your skinny fat ass, claw your way out of this basement and get the fuck on with your life!
Rob: But I’m depressed.
{ She rears back again. }
Rob: Ok! Ok! I’ll leave the basement but I’m still sad!
Mama: It’s fine to be sad, Rob, no one expects you to just get over it but you can’t just sit down here and wallow in self pity.
Rob: Yeah but-
Mama: I know! You guys weren’t talking when it happened but that isn’t all your fault! He had your number too, he could have reached .
{ I look at the floor and my uncut toenails. }
Mama: Besides, you think this is what he’d want for you? To just sit here eating politically charged ice cream until the day you die?
Rob: Probably not.
Mama: Of course not. And this isn’t what your family wants either. We need you.
{ She places her hand on my cheek. }
Mama: Your family needs you.
Rob: I know.
Mama: The fans need you too.
Rob: You think so?
Mama: I know so.
Rob: I just don’t know if I can do it…
Mama: Do what?
Rob: Be who I used to be.
Mama: You don’t need to be who you used to be. Be who you are now.
Rob: And who’s that?
Mama: Only one way to find out.
{ Fade out. }
”Honestly? That’s a question I’ve been struggling with.”
{ Besides endlessly sexy. Not a question but a statement. }
”I’ve been a good guy, a bad guy, a super face and the scum of the Earth. I’ve been pretty much everything you can be in this business besides a painted up goth kid who pretends to be a god but have I ever really been myself?”
{ Shrugs. }
”I like to entertain, I don’t think that’s a secret. I also like to mask my pain with laughter and comedy. I like to see people smile, to brighten their day. Even when I was trying to be the poor man's Spike Kane, I just wanted to make somebody laugh. I’d say the most outlandish things if I thought I could just get a chuckle out of someone. Hell, I’d embarrass myself if it made someone crack a smile.”
{ It’s true, self depreciation is my go to. }
”I figured if I could take all of the other guys insults away before he said them then he couldn’t really hurt me. Not in any way that matters. The body heals but the mind? The spirit? Some of the people in this business aren’t happy until you’ve put a gun in your mouth. A gun they talked you into purchasing. But I took that power away from them. No one can out talk me and no one knows me better than myself. But am I really just some depressed asshole in eyeliner with clever one liners and mental health issues dating back to the Reagan administration?”
{ No? }
”And I finally came to a conclusion when I stood in the ring at Rising Suns. I’m more than that. I’m so much goddamn more than that. I used to be afraid to be vulnerable, to give anyone ammunition that they could use against me but you know what? Fuck that. I know who I am now.”
{ Here comes the missions statement. }
”I’m a damn near twenty year vet in this business. A multi time former world champion. A hall of fame level athlete. A house hold name. A dutiful husband. A loving father. I’m pound for pound one of the best wrestlers in the world. And I don’t mean ust in the IWF sphere. I could walk into any company anywhere on the planet and be a top guy within a month. I could go anywhere, do anything, dominate any promotion I wanted but I want to be here! I want to be in the IWF.”
{ You goddamn right. }
”I don’t want to be a big fish in a small pond. I don’t want to walk in the door somewhere else and win their world title. I don’t want to be anywhere besides where I am right now!”
“Why? Because I love all of you.”
“Yeah, I said it and I don’t care. I love you, Warren. I love you, Dean. I love you Roberto and Eternity and Bob and everyone else I’ve shared the roster page with. I love the people I haven’t met yet. I love the people who’ve come and gone and wish us nothing but the worst. I love even the ones who shall not be named because why not? Why live in darkness and depression and hatred when there is so much to be happy about? I wake up every single day knowing I get to do what I truly love and that’s standing in an IWF ring. A company I helped build, a company I’ve carried, a company I’ve seen flourish without me.”
“I love all you happy, crazy idiots.”
{ I’m not crying, you’re crying. }
”This is who I am. Love it or leave it, I’m done hiding my true face. Don’t worry, I’m still gonna tell jokes and go off on tangents and lose my train of thought mid way through a promo to cut to some ridiculous scene where I’m battling Thanos or whatever but know one thing.”
“I’m the Greatest of all Time first.”
“Comedian second.”
“And I’m going to prove it everytime I step into an IWF ring. Because who I am? He won't coast on past success. He won't be the guy avenging his dead friend. He won't stand in the shadow of giants or gods. He wants to wrestle the best the world has to offer and the best has always been in IWF.”
{ And it always will be. }
”Which brings me to my first opponent, Logan Sky. I don’t give a shit what people say about you. I don’t give a fuck about your record. You’re a legend in this business. You were winning matches with side headlock takedowns when most of us were shitting our diapers. You’ve got more experience wrestling than the last three world champions combined and that fact isn’t lost on me. It’s a goddamn honor to share the ring with you and anyone who says otherwise is just trying to psyche themselves up for the ass whipping you can dish out.”
{ Dudes legit. }
”I’m not going to peacock like I’ve got this match in the bag. I haven’t wrestled in canon since 2023. You wrestle all the goddamn time. I’m rustier than the Tin Man in the first act of Wizard of Oz and you’re more warmed up than the Human Torch, the Chris Evans one, no disrespect to Michael B. Jordan but let’s be honest with ourselves.”
{ Tangent! }
”I’m fully expecting to get my ass beat. To get tossed around like a young boy on his first day in the ring. But I’m gonna get up. I’m gonna keep coming and coming until one of us can’t come anymore. And I don’t need a little blue pill to keep me hard so you better be ready for a marathon.”
{ What if his shit stays hard for four hours or more? }
”Then he better call a medical professional because his rig is about to explode!”
{ Take us home! }
”May the best man win. And if you ain’t down with that then I’ve only got two words for you.”
{ SUCK IT!!! }
Well howdy there pardner.