With Regards to Andy Kaufman

[Allen and Ollie and Raccoon]

'THE COMEDIAN' ALLEN CHANEY
With Regards to Andy Kaufman

Look, I’m gonna level with you.

This is gonna be a weird one.

This is a very plain room. There is a table, a single chair, and a visible boom mic in the shot. On the table are a plain white cup and a napkin.

We hear a door open and close followed by the sound of several heavy footsteps approaching the table. Allen sets a couple bags down on the table and takes a seat.

Allen’s shirt had a very interesting image printed on it. It’s from Super Bowl LIV. It’s an image of the 49’ers posing to celebrate their 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the game against the Kansas City Chiefs. Celebrating their victory before the game was even over. Most thought the Chiefs had been beaten. Most thought the odds had been stacked too high against the Chiefs and there was no coming back from that deficit.

Then the Chiefs ended up winning by over ten points.

Allen clears his throat as he opens the first bag and takes out a styrofoam container. What could be in it? Wait, didn;t he have a container like this in his last promo?

Oh no.

Everyone watching who also saw Allen’s last promo has a creeping realization as they see this. There is a moment of denial.

‘There’s no way he’s going to do the thing he threatened to do last time.’

And then you realize that Allen is in fact doing the thing he was threatening to do last time. You find yourself hoping there will be some kind of voice over? It can’t just be a fat guy eating barbecue for ten minutes. There’s no way.

I guess the only way you’ll know is if you watch the whole thing.

Allen takes two smaller round plastic containers from the bag and we can see that they are bbq beans and the other has some kind of rice with other stuff in it?

This is actually ‘Dirty Rice’ and the stuff in it is spices as well as seasoned parts of the animal that don’t typically get sold. Liver and such. Turning the stuff no one thinks they want into something so good you can’t deny it. You wonder if Allen is going to maybe comment on how that’s a perfect metaphor for his career here.

But nope.

Allen says nothing.

Instead, from the same bag he takes out a bottle of cherry cola and pours himself a drink into the white cup on the table. He opens the styrofoam container to reveal a glorious BBQ sandwich known as ‘The Z-Man’, Considered by many to be the best BBQ sandwich in the world. The signature menu item of Joe’s BBQ was a kaiser roll piled with beef brisket that was topped with smoked beef brisket, smoked provolone cheese, onion rings, and Joe’s BBQ sauce. Allen always got a side of pickles and extra sauce so each bite was dipped in the sauce. Allen was of the opinion nearly all meat sandwiches needed pickles. He typically disliked onions but dismantling a Z-Man felt akin to defacing a work of art. Kansas City icon Paul Rudd would have Z-Man sandwiches flown to New York from KC when he was filming Ant Man. They are THAT damn good.

I realize that’s a lot of facts about a sandwich and you probably came here for a wrestling promo, but it’s important to know. This is all so you know that this sandwich Allen has is a really REALLY good sandwich. He needed a really good sandwich after the last month or so he has had, would you agree?

A lot of people are wondering why Allen was publicly taking things in IWF so hard? Well, there are a few theories floating around. A solid one is that Allen has been open about how being bullied in his youth made him feel and this had become a modernization of that. At every turn Allen tries to stick up for himself and gets beaten down every single time. Told he needs to know his place in the food chain. He’s likely doing his best not to feel like he was 16 and being called a fat f-slur to his face damn near every week. Feeling different and unwelcome outside of theater class and wrestling practice. Even there he got a bunch of shit for dyeing his hair pink.

Like a refusal to conform when he knew something was bullshit made him lesser than everyone else. He refused to accept that.

I hope you aren’t thinking Allen is actually saying any of this. Pure conjecture at this point.

Instead of maybe getting into that, Allen opens the top of the sandwich to throw a few extra pickles on. He takes his first bite of the sandwich and releases a sound of contentment as he chews, the sweet and tangy barbecue sauce and the smoky brisket combining in his mouth to activate the serotonin and dopamine makers in his brain. He savors the first bite, chews, and swallows. Before the second bite he dips the bitten section of the sandwich into the extras sauce he got before taking another huge bite.

If you have misophonia this is an absolute nightmare. Just nothing but the wet chewing noises and nose breathing. No other sound. It’s basically a mukbang with no speaking.

Perhaps to distract yourself from the noisy eating you can’t help but think about how Allen had previously said his interference in Serenity’s match was to make them even after Serenity turned her back on him and allowed Verona and his goons to kick his ass.

She could paint it any way she wanted to. She sold out. If there was any part of Allen that still cared he’d likely want to make an example of her. Show the world that selling out never really pays off in the end.

Then again, she had a championship in IWF and Allen seemingly has just about given up on ever even sniffing one.

Another bite, followed by a spoonful of bbq beans and a long sip of his drink. There were chunks of brisket and pork in the beans. Shit is fucking heavenly.

So really we could only assume that violence had become the point. Vegas odds were there was no chance in hell Allen would be getting his briefcase back. We’d all seen the backstage segment where Jen said she’d do what she could to make sure it was a fair fight but Allen knew attached to that would be all the accusations of him being shown favoritism which she surely was already dealing with in regards to her piece of shit nephew getting so far in this big important tournament that was apparently worth throwing away all that honor and junk they had previously discussed if they ever got that rematch they wanted.

Not a single drop of respect for that fucking twerp remained.

I mean, we’re just guessing here.

We’re just watching a man eat a sandwich. He has a few spoonfuls of the dirty rice now. A lot of people are put off by the ‘liver and meat scraps’ aspect at play here but you should really give it a try.

Fuck this is probably really dumb.

The only thing dumber would be throwing away every drop of credibility you’ve ever built to inconvenience a fat midwestern guy. Serenity was now part of that club with Roberto and Madjinn. Now she has a belt that may as well say ‘I’m Roberto’s Good Little Girl’ for all that it’s done for her.

Every shred of legitimacy she had ever clawed for pissed right down her leg the moment she decided to take a shortcut.

We can only imagine how much vindication Allen would feel raking her face across the metal of a steel cage.

Again we can only imagine it because Allen isn’t saying it. I can not stress enough that all of this is pure conjecture of the viewer because all that’s happening is Allen is eating a sandwich.

Also now you’re just starting to realize Allen is going to be in a cage with Verona. This really does just have ‘trap’ written all over it. Allen has to be aware of that. Does he have a plan? Maybe he just doesn’t care?

Maybe he just wants all of this unpleasantness to be fucking dealt with by his wedding. It was supposed to be the happiest day of his life. Would this all be resolved by then or would he just flat out be gone from the company? If this was just gonna keep happening over and over again and this high school bullshit would never end what point would there be in sticking around?

Big glug of the soda this time, there's maybe only two bites left of the sandwich. I know you were definitely wondering about that.

You know, come to think of it…Allen would likely be fired if he laid his hands on Referee Verona in this match.

And anyone who had seen the mood he’d been in lately is probably wondering if he even cares if he gets fired at this point. He might even take that as an ‘out’. Get married in peace… but would that be leaving Jen out to dry in this hellscape that was once a company he respected and cared about?

Did he care about this place anymore?

How could he?

What incentive did he have to care for a place where the roster just watched him get treated like shit, either afraid of their boss or not caring that he was openly a piece of shit so long as nothing bad ever happened to them? A place where the only visible path to success was stepping in line and being a good little bitch?

Allen’s never said it out loud but it’s become fairly obvious seeing him eat this sandwich. This is his line in the sand. This was him saying that victory obtained through compromising yourself isn’t a victory at all.

Serenity Holmes had just as many championships as Allen did.

None.

Her compromise turned the Invictus Championship into nothing but metal and leather.

Last bite of the sandwich. He’d save some of the sides for lunch tomorrow.

Allen had said he and Serenity were even. He said he and Roberto were even… But maybe the fact that he has confirmation that there is no ‘getting even’ is a small comfort? Permission to take this farther than Berto could have ever truly imagined him taking this?

Of course Allen doesn’t actually say any of this.

And you just watched a fat guy eat a barbecue sandwich for 10+ minutes.

Does that feel like a profound waste of your fucking time? Do you feel like you deserve better than that?

‘Yeah.’ You can imagine Allen saying. ‘You and me both.’

Allen reaches for the plain white cup he’d been drinking from this whole time and takes one last drink, turning the cup around as he sets it down to reveal the words ‘SET UP’ written on it in bold black lettering. He then grabs the napkin he had set on the table earlier and uses it to wipe off his mouth, of course revealing the word ‘PUNCHLINE’ written in similar bold black lettering on the back.

Allen bids us goodbye with the only gesture he feels is appropriate at the moment. A gesture he and his immature friends back in his Junior College days called the ‘Two Tug and Toss’ or the ‘Triple T’. A brief air-wanking motion followed by mimicking throwing the result of said wank into the recipient of the insults face.

Allen didn’t have to say who that was for. We all know.

And then? It’s over.

Feel stupid yet?