The Jester Dances

[Allen and Ollie and Raccoon]

'THE COMEDIAN' ALLEN CHANEY
The Jester Dances



“Jesters do oft prove prophets.”

-William Motherfuckin Shakespeare, you uneducated cunts.

Allen Chaney.

Beat to shit.

And you can’t wipe the smile off of his face.

It’s clear that we have stepped back in time and we are currently in August 13th, just after Allen’s beatdown at the hands of Caleb Cannin and J-TV as directed by Roberto Verona. He’s wearing his sweaty and bloody ring gear still as he makes his way down the hall in the backstage area before coming across a door with a sign reading ‘THE REVEAL’ with his smiley face logo underneath it. Allen opens the door and we cut to him stepping inside… and the broken and beaten Allen is gone. Instead we find Allen wearing a very expensive-looking bespoke black pinstriped suit, complete with a gold-yellow tie and matching pocket square.

Also, this room he has entered is definitely not in the backstage area. In fact it seems to be the room where he's been recording all his promos lately. The sandwich one, the table-flipping one… but he passes by those to another section of the room that….wait is that his apartment? Or at least a section of this room made to look like his apartment? The camera keeps walking as Allen finally makes it to a part of the room where there seems to be a coat rack and a jukebox. Allen removes his jacket and hands to reveal the vest and dress shirt underneath. He unbuttons his sleeves and rolls them up before popping a quarter in the jukebox.

The song ‘It’s Mine’ by Mystery Skulls begins playing and Allen sorta starts tapping his foot and nodding his head to the rhythm.

As the song moves on Allen progresses from a foot tap to a little bit of a shimmy and a shake. By the time we arrive at the first chorus Allen is full-blown dancing. He’s been taking lessons for the wedding and he’s clearly really feeling himself in the moment. Amidst all the dancing the viewer would have a realization.

This is not the same pathetic broken sad sack they have been presented with for a little over a month now. As the song fades out, Allen is maybe a little winded but a cheeky smirk is on his face.

ALLEN CHANEY: It is the duty of a Jester to be versatile in his presentation of entertainment. It is the duty of the Jester to make a mockery of the King when The King has done something worthy of mockery… but now is the part where I have to inform you all that sometimes when carrying out these duties? The Jester needs to lie. And I’ve lied. I lied a bunch of times. It’s become clear that a whole hell of a lot of you don‘t really know who I am. I’m sure a lot of egomaniacs would take that as a chance to get upset and boast and brag but me? I took advantage of it. You can choose to be upset about that if you want. I’ve chosen not to give a shit.

Allen walks through the room again so we see all the disparate sections of it save for one we have not yet seen.

ALLEN CHANEY: This room you’ve seen me in? Have you ever questioned what it is? There’s always relevant details to what I’m doing present or tables for me to break or just a perfectly well-lit spot for me to eat a sandwich. Everything I ever needed to make the point I was trying to get across to you was always present in this room. As much as I go on and on about my favorite places in Kansas City I’ve never told you what this room is and there’s a good reason for that.

Allen steps forward to the camera and turns it around. We see this room from the perspective of where the camera was and it becomes readily apparent… No wall. Lights, crew members.

ALLEN CHANEY: This is a set. It isn’t real. It looks real because I wanted it to look real. So now that you know that isn’t real, the next question has to be… what else wasn’t real? Hey, remember when I told you that after my match with Serenity I just sat bloody in the hallway out in the open and no one on the roster showed up to help me and then I used that to say I hated this company and the entire roster?

A pause.

ALLEN CHANEY: So do you think that actually happened? Can you find anyone who actually saw me backstage after that match? Or…?

Allen seems to be letting us think about it.

ALLEN CHANEY: Or did I realize that no one wants to help a guy who lashes out at others the way that I have been for some time now? Was I trying to insure that no one helped me? Hell, did me and my buddy Ollie who might be signing here pop off a couple tweets making people think he was here to help me so other people thought I already had backup just in case any of you were still considering lending me a hand?

Allen snaps his hand and a few crew members come in to move around parts of the set he was on and bring him a comfy chair to sit on, which he does.

ALLEN CHANEY: Some of you may call bullshit and that’s fine… I never for a second actually considered quitting. Don’t really dislike the bulk of you but…I needed to let Roberto think he was beating me and I needed none of you to come to my aid for one reason and one reason only. Something I needed. Something I needed more than oxygen or good Barbecue.

A deep breath.

ALLEN CHANEY: Verona, you’ve given me everything I ever wanted. I wanted you to throw The Legion and whatever sycophants you could recruit at me with not a single soul helping me and then I wanted to see the look in your eyes when you realize everything you have is not enough. Serenity Holmes is not enough. Caleb Cannin is not enough. That one other guy? The TV guy? Also not enough. The Legion? Bowling pins for this big fuckin bowling ball to knock down.

Allen mimics a bowling throw.

ALLEN CHANEY: I’ve been dealing with hacks who think they’re the most cleverest of boys saying ‘BOY FOR A COMEDIAN YOU SURE AREN’T FUNNY’ and then waiting for a high five that never comes but the reason those comments ring especially hollow from Cannin and I think his name is Jacob? It’s because those insults are real hard to hear over the sound of Roberto’s balls slapping against your chin. You two played the parts you were supposed to play PERFECTLY. Thanks for that. The two ineffective goons for the big bad. Did you still have hopes for the World Title, Caleb? Why would you then go and cast yourself as an underling? Not even a sidekick. If Verona is Lord Zedd and the Legion are Putties, Cannin and that other dude are these two:

ALLEN CHANEY: You didn’t even get to be Goldar. Fucking sad. Couldn't help but notice you two coming out with security last show. Something wrong? Are you worried about something?

Allen leans in with a shit-eating grin. If this grin ate any more shit it’d be doing German pornography.

ALLEN CHANEY: You boys a-scared of somethin?

Allen shakes his head.

ALLEN CHANEY: I’ll take a few beatings to make my point and frankly seeing them bragging about it after the fact is some top shelf sad bitch shit. Hey Caleb! For future reference you know what woulda really REALLY shown everyone you meant business after coming back? Beating me in a match! Like, without anyone helping you. See, when I win back my briefcase and challenge for the title I intend for there not to be any asterisks or people pointing out folks who helped me along the way because…call me old-fashioned but I think winning that title is going to mean a lot more knowing I didn’t have to learn what my bosses ass tastes like to get the opportunity.

Allen makes a brief stop at his fake apartment to grab an actually real bottle of water from the coffee table and take a drink. Keeping hydrated is important, kids.

ALLEN CHANEY: But I guess that’s the difference between a Jester and a bunch of fuckin clowns. It seems like y’all needa lesson in Comedy and fortunately for you I’m feeling generous today. So let me take a moment to remind you all of how basic joke structure works. The Set-Up and The Punchline. Any good Comedian will suffer any indignity, take a beating from every heckler and hack in the business… if it means achieving the Perfect Punchline. That’s what you are to me, Roberto. You’re the Punchline to one of the best jokes I’ll ever tell. The grand cosmic joke of the IWF. You thought you were going to use me as some kind of example, but from the moment things popped off between us I knew what I had to do. The Jester has to be the one to tell everyone the Emperor has no clothes… and Roberto Verona has been buck fucking naked for some time now.

Another swig from his water bottle before he tosses it aside.

ALLEN CHANEY: A man desperately clinging to the illusion of a control he never actually had. Oh sure, he can walk around like Johnny Swaggercock and bark orders and promise mediocre wrestlers shots at midcard titles with all kinds of help to win them in exchange to get some work done but you know what kinda bosses don’t have to do that? Do you know what kinda leaders tell people to do things and they just do them?

A pause, as if waiting for an answer. Yeah, Allen does this a lot.

ALLEN CHANEY: Respected ones. Leaders that have the respect of those they lead don’t have to do the things Roberto Verona does. As little respect as I have for Bobby V? None of the people doing his dirty work respect them either. I know for a fact HE doesn’t respect THEM. It’s why I had to lie to make sure I did this alone.

Allen adjusts his tie a bit and rebuttons his sleeves.

ALLEN CHANEY: But the lies? The need to see that look in your eyes? That part’s all done, man. Now all that’s left is the beating…and you are going to get a beating. Make no mistake this does not end with me wearing a suit and doing a little dance that’s got the audience sad this big sexy motherfucker is about to be legally off the market… Hell, this doesn’t even end when I have the briefcase.

Allen smiles the same way he did when he looked into Roberto’s eyes face-to-face recently.

ALLEN CHANEY: This ends maybe a couple years from now when it’s about to rain and Roberto Verona’s joints get kinda sore from the barometric pressure dropping and he needs a moment to remember why that is and he comes to a single conclusion…

Allen can barely contain a chuckle before continuing, taking a moment to put his jacket back on and adjust his tie.

ALLEN CHANEY: ‘...Man, I probably shouldn’t have messed with that Funny Fat Fuck.’

Allen finally breaks out into an actual laugh.

ALLEN CHANEY: So now that we have all the information and we are headed to what I’ve been promised is the end of this… say it with me, kids.

A pause. A deep breath. Direct eye contact with the camera.

ALLEN CHANEY: Setup… Punchline.

Allen winks and leaves the room through the same door he entered.