Post by Dean Harper on Sept 4, 2024 16:22:13 GMT
Dean sits on the steps in front of a burned-out house.
“Do you want to know what the most important thing in the world is?”
Dean drums his fingers on the stone.
“Being yourself.”
“There’s the usual quotes people have slapped on their cars about it. ‘To thine own self be true’ ‘well behaved women rarely make history’ ‘Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.’ blah blah blah.”
“But the reason it’s important to be yourself is because a fake is easy to break. A fake is easy to sniff out. And I’ve really started to be myself. I have nothing left to lose. I have nothing holding me back. I am the pinnacle of what happens when you try to make someone else happy; it only ruins things. So being yourself is the only true way to be.”
Dean felt naked without the face paint, without his usual clothes. Stuck on this bench dressed up in a suit that itched his skin. Dean didn’t want to be here. He felt uncomfortable and his left leg bounced uncontrollably from the anxiety building inside him. He was sitting in a white marble hallway waiting for them to call on him. He would have rather been anywhere else. Specifically, he wanted to be in the hotel room bed sleeping, or with Damien watching some stupid movie about happy endings and princesses being rescued. Dev and his family had agreed to keep Damien company while Dean had gone out on the redeye to do this testimony. If there was someone he could rely on to keep his son from the news, and the YouTube drama channels and keep him company for this, it was Devlin right now.
He suspected Warren was too busy to be reliable for any assistance. Or maybe he just didn’t want to ask Warren for help. Dean traced his finger over the scar on his wrist, remembering how he’d been once he’d returned to the compound after Uriel. How he’d been distant, closed off, trying not to think about it, not wanting to talk about it. It was only days after his return that Maxine had started the conversation about how she was late on her period. In the early days of the pregnancy, the talk about what she wanted to do was a blessing, something other than his own problems. Then they’d gotten Angel captured. Dean had a father to deal with while suddenly becoming a father. Warren had started to pull away. Dean had proposed to Max and Warren. Things were going to be better. He could bury this, never speak of it.
Then the tape…Uriel had the tape. Dean had been willing to do anything and then let that tape be made public. Give up title shots. Anything. Then Uriel had taunted Warren…And Warren believed him. Leaving, this time with a brain scramble from Eternity, the bitch, to forget all about Dean. Maxine was already getting sick, already her body wasn’t handling the pregnancy. Maybe it had been a price of the deal Dean had made to repair her broken spine. Maybe it was Dean’s payment for all his ill deeds. She was gone, Warren was gone. And Uriel had escaped from all of it.
He had been drowning but clung to a few drifts of wood. Angel. Angel had helped keep him alive. Helped him make choices to protect Damien. He’d had a brief fling, the sex was hollow, and he had felt sick the entire time. Uriel had said Dean would never be free of him. That there was no escape. That no one could love Dean or stay with him, because Uriel was the only one who could.
Dean ran his hands through his hair; a failed marriage certainly gave Uriel more credit to that line of thought than Dean wanted it to. Dean had tried therapy. Warren had refused to sit in, had refused couple’s counseling as well. Whatever Warren’s therapy was like Dean never knew, but guessed it involved a slow steady severing of emotional attachment. Most of even the repaired reunion had resolved around sex, something Dean was still not whelmed by. Flirting was easy, flirting was mostly harmless. Performing was…complicated. He tried going back to himself. He tried to make Warren happy. Tried to make things work. He knew what Warren liked, even tried things Warren wanted. Dean had just wanted to be loved, to prove he wasn’t as damaged. He had just wanted to be okay. Warren was meant to be his redemption, hadn’t he called Dean his soulmate, the love of his life? Even as he’d tried to change…it had never been enough. Warren had told him to be himself, to go back to who he’d been before. But clearly, even that person wasn’t worth loving anymore either. Maybe it had been pity the whole time. Until Warren could get the clean break where he was the victim and Dean was the monster.
Dean got up from the bench and started to pace.
They’d let him avoid a lot of this trial. He had tried to get out of testifying at all. But they hadn’t let up. Maybe it was the divorce that had finally weakened his resolve when he’d agreed to be their ‘star’ witness. He’d read the brief updates of the trial. He knew that Uriel’s lawyers were arguing Dean had caused all of this. That despite Uriel’s criminal history it was Dean who had made this happen. That Dean had corrupted and tempted Uriel. Like the serpent with the apple. The other victims who’d survived certainly had made comments blaming Dean as well, if not outright saying it at least agreeing with Uriel’s defense. None of their pain would have happened if he’d been a better person.
Tim had tried to prepare him for the cross-examination. The prosecution had assured him it wasn’t going to be as bad as it seemed. Said they’d prepped him. It was hard to breathe. Dean took off his tie and leaned his forehead against the cold stone.
This was a mistake. This was a mistake. This was a mistake.
“Mister Harper?” One of the prosecution counsel members was in the hall. “We’re ready for you.”
“Vivienne, hey starlight, long time no spoon.”
“All rageful and angry. It’d be kind of hot if you were even yourself anymore. As much as you preach this is the real you and you are being the most truthful version of yourself? It’s all bullshit.”
“You thought getting back in the ring would make you feel fulfilled again. It won’t. It will never take away the fact you are technically the least successful women’s champion there has ever been. You didn’t deserve the Hall of Fame spot. You got the pity spot. Fiona McFly deserved it and got it before you. It will never take away from the fact you had a decent career once that you self-destructed because you let the fact Eternity beat you throw you into a depression. You had Ulf that you threw away because you let your insecurities and one good dicking throw all your morals out the window. Do you think you can change Daniels into a decent human being with the power of good sex? You’re a fucking idiot. Did good sex change Xavier or Ulf? No. Did it change me? No. You are signing yourself up to a life of constantly excusing his actions and watching your children turn into little fucking bigots just like him. When you look into the abyss it changes you, you don’t change it. Rowan didn’t believe in you. She only sees people who can be good little soldiers. You hurt her once, so why not use you to hurt other people? Rowan doesn’t care about anyone. She’s incapable of it. Deep down, you know that. This whole vengeance for her? It means nothing. Trust me from someone who's been there.”
“I know you better than any of your so-called besties. We were roomies. We were almost friends. There was at least one night we were a little more than that. I lived in your spare room after Leviathan. You lived with me when Xavier was pulling away. There was a time when no one saw you more than I did. You don’t like thinking about that.”
“See because I know you, I know what you are thinking. You are paranoid. Unlike some, I know how much a break in trust hurts you. You knew deep down I was the one who attacked Rowan. You never bought the Fowler story. I know you expected Warren to tell you because you thought you were besties. But despite the rehab to his image and everything else he does, he is always going to be his father’s son.” Dean smiles. “He lies. He always has. He likes to present himself as the best version of himself, omitting things that make him look less than good. He can’t take responsibility for his actions. And you’ve always suspected that. But it wasn’t just that he withheld my involvement that ruined your friendship. It was the fact you had the proof he could lie to you. What else did he lie about? You can’t trust him. And you will never trust him again. I don’t think he understands that yet, but I’m sure he’ll notice the wall sooner or later.”
“The same way you don’t really trust Shea anymore. She called you a whore. She told you picking The Murder over her meant you weren’t really her friend. She said a lot of things to call your character into question and then just betrayed her new friends for you. But you don’t trust it, not really. Isn’t that just what Ciara did for the Best Friends Club? And you even named your new tag team so similarly. That has to make the itch under your skin. She’ll betray you too. Likely for Warren. You’ve always known her friendship was never honest.”
“Even your new man isn’t fully there for you. He hates parts of you. You can lie to yourself and you can lie to others. But I know you, starlight. With all your rage, you stopped being the good little sex doll and he questioned your love. Because to a man like that, if you aren’t putting out, you don’t love him. Heaven forbid something happens to you where you stop enjoying sex as much. He’ll leave you. Just like everyone else does. As much as you think you found the apple pie happily ever after we both know you have to be the good little submissive and sex pot to keep him happy. Let either one of those fall to the side and he’ll go looking for it somewhere else or put hands to you. Deny all you want but it’s obvious.”
“No one can love you. There is no one you can trust.” Dean leans back, “Do you know why? Because you don’t know how to say no. Because physical violence is one thing but hurting someone emotionally is not something you can stomach. You can’t say no. You let people build up fantasies about you. You let everyone walk over you. You let people think there is something more to your friendship than there is because clearing the air would hurt them. You are weak. You are pathetic. You want so desperately to be liked. And when you let the kind meek little doormat people pleaser drop, everyone hates you. Because people only like you when you are nothing more than an encouraging word. Anything more than that and you are the monster.”
“That’s how Rowan got you to agree. She convinced you that she could help you stop doing it. She could help you be yourself and be feral. But you can’t maintain it. Not on your own. I removed her from the board but let’s be honest with ourselves, starlight, she was never going to cure you. She needed you damaged and needing her. That’s what she does. It’s a flaw in your personality that can not be removed.”
“So when the cage closes? I’ll free you from your burden. You don’t ever have to go in front of a camera and pretend anymore. I’ll put you out to pasture. I’ll break you. I’ll damage you so you’ll never be cleared again. Consider it a gift from an Almost friend. Enjoy your retirement.”
“Do you want to know what the most important thing in the world is?”
Dean drums his fingers on the stone.
“Being yourself.”
“There’s the usual quotes people have slapped on their cars about it. ‘To thine own self be true’ ‘well behaved women rarely make history’ ‘Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.’ blah blah blah.”
“But the reason it’s important to be yourself is because a fake is easy to break. A fake is easy to sniff out. And I’ve really started to be myself. I have nothing left to lose. I have nothing holding me back. I am the pinnacle of what happens when you try to make someone else happy; it only ruins things. So being yourself is the only true way to be.”
Trigger warning: thoughts on Sexual Violence and suicide
Dean felt naked without the face paint, without his usual clothes. Stuck on this bench dressed up in a suit that itched his skin. Dean didn’t want to be here. He felt uncomfortable and his left leg bounced uncontrollably from the anxiety building inside him. He was sitting in a white marble hallway waiting for them to call on him. He would have rather been anywhere else. Specifically, he wanted to be in the hotel room bed sleeping, or with Damien watching some stupid movie about happy endings and princesses being rescued. Dev and his family had agreed to keep Damien company while Dean had gone out on the redeye to do this testimony. If there was someone he could rely on to keep his son from the news, and the YouTube drama channels and keep him company for this, it was Devlin right now.
He suspected Warren was too busy to be reliable for any assistance. Or maybe he just didn’t want to ask Warren for help. Dean traced his finger over the scar on his wrist, remembering how he’d been once he’d returned to the compound after Uriel. How he’d been distant, closed off, trying not to think about it, not wanting to talk about it. It was only days after his return that Maxine had started the conversation about how she was late on her period. In the early days of the pregnancy, the talk about what she wanted to do was a blessing, something other than his own problems. Then they’d gotten Angel captured. Dean had a father to deal with while suddenly becoming a father. Warren had started to pull away. Dean had proposed to Max and Warren. Things were going to be better. He could bury this, never speak of it.
Then the tape…Uriel had the tape. Dean had been willing to do anything and then let that tape be made public. Give up title shots. Anything. Then Uriel had taunted Warren…And Warren believed him. Leaving, this time with a brain scramble from Eternity, the bitch, to forget all about Dean. Maxine was already getting sick, already her body wasn’t handling the pregnancy. Maybe it had been a price of the deal Dean had made to repair her broken spine. Maybe it was Dean’s payment for all his ill deeds. She was gone, Warren was gone. And Uriel had escaped from all of it.
He had been drowning but clung to a few drifts of wood. Angel. Angel had helped keep him alive. Helped him make choices to protect Damien. He’d had a brief fling, the sex was hollow, and he had felt sick the entire time. Uriel had said Dean would never be free of him. That there was no escape. That no one could love Dean or stay with him, because Uriel was the only one who could.
Dean ran his hands through his hair; a failed marriage certainly gave Uriel more credit to that line of thought than Dean wanted it to. Dean had tried therapy. Warren had refused to sit in, had refused couple’s counseling as well. Whatever Warren’s therapy was like Dean never knew, but guessed it involved a slow steady severing of emotional attachment. Most of even the repaired reunion had resolved around sex, something Dean was still not whelmed by. Flirting was easy, flirting was mostly harmless. Performing was…complicated. He tried going back to himself. He tried to make Warren happy. Tried to make things work. He knew what Warren liked, even tried things Warren wanted. Dean had just wanted to be loved, to prove he wasn’t as damaged. He had just wanted to be okay. Warren was meant to be his redemption, hadn’t he called Dean his soulmate, the love of his life? Even as he’d tried to change…it had never been enough. Warren had told him to be himself, to go back to who he’d been before. But clearly, even that person wasn’t worth loving anymore either. Maybe it had been pity the whole time. Until Warren could get the clean break where he was the victim and Dean was the monster.
Dean got up from the bench and started to pace.
They’d let him avoid a lot of this trial. He had tried to get out of testifying at all. But they hadn’t let up. Maybe it was the divorce that had finally weakened his resolve when he’d agreed to be their ‘star’ witness. He’d read the brief updates of the trial. He knew that Uriel’s lawyers were arguing Dean had caused all of this. That despite Uriel’s criminal history it was Dean who had made this happen. That Dean had corrupted and tempted Uriel. Like the serpent with the apple. The other victims who’d survived certainly had made comments blaming Dean as well, if not outright saying it at least agreeing with Uriel’s defense. None of their pain would have happened if he’d been a better person.
Tim had tried to prepare him for the cross-examination. The prosecution had assured him it wasn’t going to be as bad as it seemed. Said they’d prepped him. It was hard to breathe. Dean took off his tie and leaned his forehead against the cold stone.
This was a mistake. This was a mistake. This was a mistake.
“Mister Harper?” One of the prosecution counsel members was in the hall. “We’re ready for you.”
“Vivienne, hey starlight, long time no spoon.”
“All rageful and angry. It’d be kind of hot if you were even yourself anymore. As much as you preach this is the real you and you are being the most truthful version of yourself? It’s all bullshit.”
“You thought getting back in the ring would make you feel fulfilled again. It won’t. It will never take away the fact you are technically the least successful women’s champion there has ever been. You didn’t deserve the Hall of Fame spot. You got the pity spot. Fiona McFly deserved it and got it before you. It will never take away from the fact you had a decent career once that you self-destructed because you let the fact Eternity beat you throw you into a depression. You had Ulf that you threw away because you let your insecurities and one good dicking throw all your morals out the window. Do you think you can change Daniels into a decent human being with the power of good sex? You’re a fucking idiot. Did good sex change Xavier or Ulf? No. Did it change me? No. You are signing yourself up to a life of constantly excusing his actions and watching your children turn into little fucking bigots just like him. When you look into the abyss it changes you, you don’t change it. Rowan didn’t believe in you. She only sees people who can be good little soldiers. You hurt her once, so why not use you to hurt other people? Rowan doesn’t care about anyone. She’s incapable of it. Deep down, you know that. This whole vengeance for her? It means nothing. Trust me from someone who's been there.”
“I know you better than any of your so-called besties. We were roomies. We were almost friends. There was at least one night we were a little more than that. I lived in your spare room after Leviathan. You lived with me when Xavier was pulling away. There was a time when no one saw you more than I did. You don’t like thinking about that.”
“See because I know you, I know what you are thinking. You are paranoid. Unlike some, I know how much a break in trust hurts you. You knew deep down I was the one who attacked Rowan. You never bought the Fowler story. I know you expected Warren to tell you because you thought you were besties. But despite the rehab to his image and everything else he does, he is always going to be his father’s son.” Dean smiles. “He lies. He always has. He likes to present himself as the best version of himself, omitting things that make him look less than good. He can’t take responsibility for his actions. And you’ve always suspected that. But it wasn’t just that he withheld my involvement that ruined your friendship. It was the fact you had the proof he could lie to you. What else did he lie about? You can’t trust him. And you will never trust him again. I don’t think he understands that yet, but I’m sure he’ll notice the wall sooner or later.”
“The same way you don’t really trust Shea anymore. She called you a whore. She told you picking The Murder over her meant you weren’t really her friend. She said a lot of things to call your character into question and then just betrayed her new friends for you. But you don’t trust it, not really. Isn’t that just what Ciara did for the Best Friends Club? And you even named your new tag team so similarly. That has to make the itch under your skin. She’ll betray you too. Likely for Warren. You’ve always known her friendship was never honest.”
“Even your new man isn’t fully there for you. He hates parts of you. You can lie to yourself and you can lie to others. But I know you, starlight. With all your rage, you stopped being the good little sex doll and he questioned your love. Because to a man like that, if you aren’t putting out, you don’t love him. Heaven forbid something happens to you where you stop enjoying sex as much. He’ll leave you. Just like everyone else does. As much as you think you found the apple pie happily ever after we both know you have to be the good little submissive and sex pot to keep him happy. Let either one of those fall to the side and he’ll go looking for it somewhere else or put hands to you. Deny all you want but it’s obvious.”
“No one can love you. There is no one you can trust.” Dean leans back, “Do you know why? Because you don’t know how to say no. Because physical violence is one thing but hurting someone emotionally is not something you can stomach. You can’t say no. You let people build up fantasies about you. You let everyone walk over you. You let people think there is something more to your friendship than there is because clearing the air would hurt them. You are weak. You are pathetic. You want so desperately to be liked. And when you let the kind meek little doormat people pleaser drop, everyone hates you. Because people only like you when you are nothing more than an encouraging word. Anything more than that and you are the monster.”
“That’s how Rowan got you to agree. She convinced you that she could help you stop doing it. She could help you be yourself and be feral. But you can’t maintain it. Not on your own. I removed her from the board but let’s be honest with ourselves, starlight, she was never going to cure you. She needed you damaged and needing her. That’s what she does. It’s a flaw in your personality that can not be removed.”
“So when the cage closes? I’ll free you from your burden. You don’t ever have to go in front of a camera and pretend anymore. I’ll put you out to pasture. I’ll break you. I’ll damage you so you’ll never be cleared again. Consider it a gift from an Almost friend. Enjoy your retirement.”
Well howdy there pardner.