Being a Diamond: I love threesomes

[Rob Diamond]

{ So this one’s going to take some explaining to do so let me paint the scene real quick.

Diamond-Kane estate.

In house gym.

Wrestling ring.

Me and Mr. Happy are buck ass naked, covered in baby oil waiting for my lovely wife to show up. }

Mama: What in the actual fuck is going on here?

{ And there she is. }

Rob: I’m training and need your help.

Mama: Training for what, the world’s worst porno?

Happy: Trust me, this wouldn’t be even close.…

Rob: Speak for yourself.

Happy: I was?

Rob: I’m training for the threesome I’m booked in. Now take off your clothes, oil up and get in here. Happy, get the double sided dildo.

Happy: You don’t have to tell me twice.

Mama: Put some fucking clothes on before the clown ends up dead and why is he sweaty already??

Happy: We pregamed before you got here.

Mama: What does that even mean… You know what? I don’t want to know.

Happy: You really don’t. So do we need the dildo or not?

{ He says as he grips that monster like a man who’s seen a few too many double sided dildos in his day. }

Mama: Not.

Rob: But mama!!??

Mama: I am not participating in your shenanigans. If you’re gonna fuck the clown wear a condom and please get an STD test.

Rob: But I’m booked in a threesome! I need a third!

{ Somewhere Dean Harper’s ears are burning. }

Mama: It’s not a threesome, you moron! It’s a triple threat match!

Rob: What’s the difference?

Mama: First, there’s no fucking.

Rob: Boring.

Happy: Seriously, who books these shows?

Mama: Second, and I don’t understand why I have to explain this to a grown ass man, it’s like a singles match with an extra person.

Rob: OOOOOOOOOH. Well…

{ I gesture to the fat naked clown with the dildo. }

Rob: We may as well, right?

Mama: Not a chance in hell. I wouldn’t touch Happy with Dean’s dildo and that thing has been to some seriously dark places.

Happy: Yeah, it smells gross too.

Rob: What?

Happy: What? It’s lonely backstage when I’m not booked and he just leaves that thing laying around.

Mama: Please put some fucking clothes on before one of the kids sees you.

Rob: Me or Happy?

Mama: Fucking really?

Rob: Fine! Get dressed Hap, we’ll finish up later.

Happy: But I’m so close.

Rob: I know buddy but Mama has spoken.

Mama: I could kill you. Both.

Rob: Will you help me train for the triple threat match at least?

Mama: Lose the clown and I’ll think about it.

Rob: Naked?

Mama: Lose the clown and the ever present camera crew.

Rob: You heard the boss, EVERYBODY OUT!

Happy: BOOOO!!!!

Rob: Don’t worry, I’ve got a granny cam.

Happy: Woohoo!

Mama: I heard that.

Rob: Dammit. Fine. Everyone clear the fuck out. We’ve got some hardcore training to do.

Mama: Happy! Leave the dildo.

”What the fuck is a Bruce de Jägermeister??”

{ Checks bio. }

”Ooooooh, he’s one of those rich assholes who decided to wrestle and base his entire personality on Wolf of Wall Street. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but Ethan King already did that and did it way better than your vanilla little person looking ass. Nice perm, tho.”

{ Little person is still the correct term? I just can’t get canceled again! }

”You know what I love about these dime a dozen rich idiots who moonlight as professional wrestlers? How they speak like they did more in college than haze frat boys and attempt rape.”

{ Sorry if that offends you but no means no and if you need to get them drunk to agree or just put a little sleepy pill in their drink then you're the asshole in this run on insult. }

”Of course it’s entirely possible that Bruce here is one of the good ones from Harvard or Yale or whatever douchebag ivy league school he went to but it seems super unlikely based on his presentation. First of all he talks down to everyone like this goofy haired asshole actually accomplished something on his own. Sorry little man, closing one of your daddy’s business deals doesn’t count in the real world.”

“I’m talking about real work.”

“I’m sure the idea of getting your hands dirty is super offensive to your snobbish sensibilities so it makes me curious why you’re even bothering with professional wrestling. It’s clear from the way you talk that you don’t have the grit to do the work necessary to make it to the top. This isn’t a Ted Talk situation where you can talk yourself into the winners circle.”

“Ya gonna have to work.”

“And work pretty hard because let me tell you, there’s some cats in this company that would kill for one percent of the trust fund you’re sitting on. And I don’t mean that metaphorically. They’d literally kill someone for some of that casheesh. And here you are just parading around like a pampered bitch acting like you’re better than them?”

”Did they teach you the definition of hard work in between your binge drinking and attempted sex crimes, young man? Because it certainly doesn’t seem like it. The thing about hard work is ya respect the people who put it in. Ya don’t talk down to them because your bank account looks super impressive to money grubbing bimbos or bastards.”

“Whatever your preference.”

“I know, I seem to be making a lot of assumptions based off the numerous times you’ve run your mouth since getting here but to be real honest? You make it easy. Your whole image is so over done and tired I almost just want to go find one of my promos I cut on JFK back in the day and have AI swap his name out for yours. Is it really my fault you’ve got the most generic rich boy personality this side of the royal family?”

”I doubt this comes as a surprise to you. I’m sure you look in the mirror every morning and think about how to sound even more like your auditioning to be the new host of the Apprentice. Hey, did the silver spoon come with that yeast infection of a personality you have or do you have to work at it?”

“Ooops, my bad, you don’t work, I forgot. Working is for the little people.”

“And the little people really should just shut the fuck up in your presence. I mean what do street urchins like Dean Harper or Warren Kane know about being powerful business men with a resume as underwhelming as yours? They’re just a couple of poverty born bastards who’ve done more this year than you will do in your entire career.”

{ Boom, roasted. }

”Lemme tell ya something. If you really want to make it in this business and not just pretend? You’re gonna have to get your hands dirty, get a little sweaty, get some blisters on those pristine hands of yours because you can’t date rape your way to the top here. There’s only one way to the IWF World Championship and that’s working for it.”

“And I’m a show you the definition of hardwork when I beat that silver spoon the fuck outta your ass.”

“And stop putting it up there, it’s weird and you make people uncomfortable.”

{ Speaking of people who put in the work. }

”Nicholas ‘Danger Mouse’ Danger if that is your real middle name.”

”Nick, you’re exactly what I’m talking about when I speak about hard work and respect. You’re the fucking epitome of those two terms. There is no one in this company who works as hard as you do and there is no one more deserving of the respect of his peers. You, my unlucky little friend, are infinitely better than pieces of shit like Bruce will ever admit to.”

”Bruce is gonna hop in front of a camera and say all the same tired old shit everyone always says to you. He’s gonna make fun of you, talk down to you, tell you why he thinks you’ll never make it in professional wrestling based on his six days worth of experience and I just wanna say, Nick.”

“Tell that albino chimp to shut the fuck up and keep your name out of his motherfucking mouth.”

“You are one of the pillars of this company and I don’t give a shit what anyone else says. Anyone who talk down to you can suck a big fat vibrator. They don’t know shit and they’re jealous. And why wouldn’t they be? Look at you. Taking all the shit you take right on the chin and still going out to that ring week after week just grinding away.”

“They wish they were as driven as you.”

“Sure, it took you a hot minute to win some gold here but you won it, Nick. You held that golden belt in your hands, a belt I’ve never won and you held it with pride, dignity and respect for the people who held it before you. You keep your head up and knuckles ready regardless of what life throws your way and I respect the hell out of that attitude. Some of the people around here could learn a thing or two from you, Nick.”

{ We got a roster full of Debbie downers and crybabies if ya ask me from my rocking chair on the front porch. Back in my day men were men and nobody cared if a couple close friends watched each other jackoff in the hot tub. It wasn’t gay. And neither was getting a little head from your heterosexual life partner, he’s just helping you out. Gilmore knows what I’m talking about. }

”So Nicky boy, I want you to do what you do better than anyone else in this company and ignore that little jagoff Bruce and all the people like him. They’ll never do what you do, accomplish what you’ll accomplish. They’ll never get the accolades or respect that Nick Danger is so deserving of.”

“I mean that.”

“And if you’re asking me I say we treat this triple threat match like a threesome between a bored married couple and focus more on each other and not the worn out pussy in the corner. Bruce being the wife in that analogy if that wasn’t clear because come on. No one convinces their wife into a threesome to have sex with their wife. You can have sex with your wife whenever you want. Now that new piece of ass she gave you permission to pound into next week? That’s where the actions at.”

“Sorry, I’ve got threesoms on the brain.”

“Speaking of, you free Friday, Nick?”

{ Giggity. }

”It’s you and me on Monday little buddy. I’ll hit Bruce from the back, you get that perfectly aligned jaw and I say we show that wannabe wrestler with the little man attitude the true meaning of a gang bang.”

{ No Vaseline. }

”Then it’ll be you and me, Nick. just pounding it out until one or the other of us ain’t got the room to take no more if you know what I mean. But I’m a warn you, I’m good and stretched out and I can fit a whole hell of alot in there.”

“I’m talking 2 liter soda bottles baby.”

“And I know that’s a horrible analogy to relay my skills in that ring but I’m gonna leave it out there. That’s just how I roll, Nick. Ask James. I can go for days and I don’t need no little blue pill to go hard. I’m just built different. And you’re gonna find out what I mean on Monday night, baby.”

“And if you ain’t down with that?”

{ Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck it! }