Post by Allen and Ollie and Raccoon on Nov 18, 2024 11:48:01 GMT
Running a business and doing a comedy tour and being a pro wrestler is hard, especially if you haven’t touched blow in years. Nothing like a bump or two to get you going.
It’s fuckin tempting, let me tell you.
I currently feel like one of those old toys where you put in the exoskeleton and then pump putty into a mold and it covers the skeleton but the putty is coffee. I am a skeleton floating in coffee.
I hope that metaphor tracks because I am very tired.
I turned 37 this year, which is the year where occasionally people will ask how old you are and you’ll need a second to remember. You bounce it back to them like it’s a question. I’m….37?
I’m in my housecoat in my driveway. I have a mug of coffee in my hands.
I have forgotten why I came out here.
“Hey neighbor!” I hear beside me.
“Fuck!” I shout way louder than I probably should’ve. This is my other neighbor. Not the one whose wife is fucking the gardener. I clear my throat.
“Hey….Hey bud. Sorry. Good morning.” I say after collecting myself, saying ‘bud’ because I can’t remember his name.
Mike?
Mark?
“It’s uh… It’s 1 PM.” probably M-Name guy says.
I nod in response, not comprehending the reason he is saying that in the moment. Why the fuck is this guy telling me the time?
Oh.
I said ‘morning’. It’s 1 PM.
…Matt?
“It’s always morning somewhere.” I respond before taking a sip of my coffee.
“I hear that. So uh… You out grabbing the paper?” M says. That certainly sounds like a thing I would do. I look down and hey! It’s the Kansas City Star. We are in business.
“Yeah. Yes. That is what I am doing.” I say, bending down to grab the paper and picking it up.
“Darn shame about that game last night.” Mystery Man says.
“Yeah. Shame.” I say, trying to think of a way to politely say ‘So talking is done now, yeah? None of us actually has anything interesting to say so now there is going to be silence?’
“Welp. I need to get these gutters cleaned. I’ll catch ya later, Alex.” the neighbor says. I feel my temple tighten and my eye twitch. How dare this guy not remember my name? I mean, I forgot his name but I worked my way around it.
“Yeah, take care…Melvin.”
See I knew his name wasn’t Melvin so that was a sick burn.
I walk back into my home and Bill meows and looks at me.
“I won that conversation.” I tell Bill. Bill gives not a single speck of a fuck because he is a cat.
I pour more coffee and open the paper.
Time to start my day.
At 1 PM.
Shit.
Allen’s beard looks nice. Jen got him one of those fancy sandalwood beard combs and a set of beard oils so now his beard smells like fuckin orange oil and vanilla and shit sometimes. There’s getting to be a good amount of gray in that beard but it kinda makes him look distinguished.
ALLEN CHANEY: Yo, fuck the Bills.
I said ‘LOOK’ distinguished. It’s still Allen. We are in his office in his home in the KC Metro suburbs. Trophies of past accomplishments and title wins hung up on the walls.
Still no title in IWF.
ALLEN CHANEY: The Chiefs lost. I’ve decided to take how I feel about that out on Logan Sky in the ring. I mean, that really should be all I have to say at this point but I guess we’ll come back to that. Hi everyone, it’s Allen. I still got a briefcase and I’ve set the date but before I do that I have to beat Logan Sky.
A pause.
ALLEN CHANEY: I am worried.
Blank. No expression.
ALLEN CHANEY: This is my worried face. As I sit here envisioning a future where Ollie and I collectively have the World Title, the Gladiator Title, and the Tag belts… it would be a mistake on my part to look past the challenger for my Briefcase. Logan Sky. A guy I have beaten a bunch of times. It’d also be a mistake not to acknowledge that I may not get the World Title match I want…well I guess ‘want’ is kind of an overstatement. If you think the idea of beating seven shades of shit out of Caleb Cannin or even Roberto Verona again doesn’t make me feel a little flutter in my front-pants palace then you know very little about me and/or my solidly girthy penis but there’s only one potential opponent that gets me harder than playing the Elden Ring DLC while actively on fire and that’s my personal Freddie Prinze Jr. Paxxy. Go fucking get ‘em Champ. I’ll be watching.
Allen winks and blows a little kiss.
ALLEN CHANEY: Anyway, let’s talk about Logan Sky. I know what a lot of you are expecting me to talk about when it comes to Logan Sky but frankly those jokes are too easy.
We briefly smashcut to Allen standing outside of the Union Station fountain in Kansas City speaking into a megaphone.
ALLEN CHANEY: TOO EASY LIKE YOUR FUCKING MOM.
Smashcut back to his office.
ALLEN CHANEY: Granted I’m not usually above easy jokes but let’s just pretend I’m that kind of guy for a second. Logan. Hey. I fully understand that these jokes about your age can’t feel good and I’m not even going to do any this time instead I am respectfully going to ask you a simple question.
A deep breath.
ALLEN CHANEY: What the fuck you gonna do about it? You can piss and moan about the way the younger generation treats you all fuckin day and night but if you can’t still hang then it’s like Shakespeare said. Sound and fury. Signifying nothing. Bet you weren’t expecting any Macbeth today, huh?
A pause.
ALLEN CHANEY: Logan, do you think I don’t get it? Because dude…I get it. My knees make popping and clicking noises and sometimes that hurts but sometimes it feels good and it’s a complete coin flip which one you’re gonna get which I guess is a blessing when you consider knee injuries damn near ended my career. You think it didn’t used to hurt my fat little feelings when people would talk about my weight? You don’t like being made fun of for being old. Valid. Totally valid. You still gotta show up and fuckin fight and if you aren’t going to use that anger for anything useful and still get punked out by 20 year olds fresh outta wrestling school then WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOIN HERE, MAN? If they still hit harder than you then all you’ve done is validate their fucking point. Where’s all that wisdom you’re supposed to have by now, my guy? Getting old enough to have learned everything really only works out if you can still fucking remember it.
Allen pulls back. He meant it when he said he wasn’t going to take cheap shots about Logan’s age and he meant it and he felt that kinda starting to skirt the line.
ALLEN CHANEY: I don’t give a shit how old you are. You’ve been in the ring with me enough to know what I’m capable of and you’re still gonna show up as far as I know so I want to believe that you’re showing up because you still got a shot and not because you’re just going through the motions or trying to Randy ‘The Ram’ Robinson your way to clocking out early.
Fuck it, we ball.
ALLEN CHANEY: Show up to that ring and hit me and make it fucking hurt you old bitch. Take a few fucking years off of me. I’m not usin ‘em. If you think you can make the case for yourself in the ring instead of bitching about a few fuckin broken hip, Viagra, and LifeAlert jokes then I’ma stick my chin out and let you take a fuckin swing.
Allen leans forward and actually sticks his chin out, patting it a few times for emphasis.
ALLEN CHANEY: You want to be treated with respect? Dope. I get that… but I’m not gonna bullshit you. We aren’t gonna sit here and pretend that you’re just out there doing a great job all the time and the fact that you’ve got a few years on you isn’t a factor at all. You want my respect? It’s a point of pride that I don’t just hand that shit out. I’d probably have a few IWF Title belts on my wall if I could convincingly fake respecting people who didn’t earn it from me but nah, fam. My respect is earned and you ain’t there yet. I’m not gonna say you ain't close. I respect that you haven’t given up. I respect that you keep taking a beating and getting the fuck back up… but I don’t respect someone just waiting around for a ‘Years of Service’ Award when they’re capable of a “Lifetime Achievement Award’. Does that resonate with you? A Lifetime Achievement Award means you did great things. Things worthy of praise for future generations that they can look back at and learn from. A ‘Years of Service’ award means… Ya stuck around. We needed a guy here and you…occupied the space you were expected to for longer than most people did. Take your gold watch and fuck off. I don’t want that for you, dude. I genuinely don’t.
Allen shakes his head.
ALLEN CHANEY: I’m a Reject, man. That’s more than just a tag team name to sell some raccoon plushies. I was never supposed to be a success story and if you told me that there was a fucking multiverse of universes and that the one I was in is the only one where I didn’t end up as the Assistant Manager at the Sonic Drive-In I worked at after High School then I’d buy that. I got to be where I am today not just because I talked a bunch of shit on the people who said I wasn’t going to amount to anything. I put in the work at the open mics and the ring and I backed up everything I said and to this day I write a lot of checks running my big fucking mouth and I go to the bank and cash every single fuckin one of ‘em. The reason I’m saying this is because…
A deep breath.
ALLEN CHANEY: I think you’re a Reject, too… and to see you verbally fighting back against these jokes people are making at your expense only to get beat again and again and again it… fuckin sucks, man. It sucks to watch and I imagine it can’t feel all that great.
Allen picks up his ‘Joker in the Pack’ briefcase so we can see it on-camera and holds it in front of him.
ALLEN CHANEY: You ain’t takin this from me, but I’m eager to see you try. I’m eager for you to fight me free of the excuses you have burdened yourself with… and when I beat you? If you fought me like Hell? I will offer you my hand and there won’t be not a drop of condescension coming from me. From that moment on? You need me, Ollie, or Rocky to have your back? We got you. Because Rejects stick together. Just…
A pause.
ALLEN CHANEY: …Show me something. Now if you don’t mind. I’m gonna go knock over my neighbor's ladder while he’s on the roof and make it look like an accident. Setup. Punchline.
Hard cut to black.
It’s fuckin tempting, let me tell you.
I currently feel like one of those old toys where you put in the exoskeleton and then pump putty into a mold and it covers the skeleton but the putty is coffee. I am a skeleton floating in coffee.
I hope that metaphor tracks because I am very tired.
I turned 37 this year, which is the year where occasionally people will ask how old you are and you’ll need a second to remember. You bounce it back to them like it’s a question. I’m….37?
I’m in my housecoat in my driveway. I have a mug of coffee in my hands.
I have forgotten why I came out here.
“Hey neighbor!” I hear beside me.
“Fuck!” I shout way louder than I probably should’ve. This is my other neighbor. Not the one whose wife is fucking the gardener. I clear my throat.
“Hey….Hey bud. Sorry. Good morning.” I say after collecting myself, saying ‘bud’ because I can’t remember his name.
Mike?
Mark?
“It’s uh… It’s 1 PM.” probably M-Name guy says.
I nod in response, not comprehending the reason he is saying that in the moment. Why the fuck is this guy telling me the time?
Oh.
I said ‘morning’. It’s 1 PM.
…Matt?
“It’s always morning somewhere.” I respond before taking a sip of my coffee.
“I hear that. So uh… You out grabbing the paper?” M says. That certainly sounds like a thing I would do. I look down and hey! It’s the Kansas City Star. We are in business.
“Yeah. Yes. That is what I am doing.” I say, bending down to grab the paper and picking it up.
“Darn shame about that game last night.” Mystery Man says.
“Yeah. Shame.” I say, trying to think of a way to politely say ‘So talking is done now, yeah? None of us actually has anything interesting to say so now there is going to be silence?’
“Welp. I need to get these gutters cleaned. I’ll catch ya later, Alex.” the neighbor says. I feel my temple tighten and my eye twitch. How dare this guy not remember my name? I mean, I forgot his name but I worked my way around it.
“Yeah, take care…Melvin.”
See I knew his name wasn’t Melvin so that was a sick burn.
I walk back into my home and Bill meows and looks at me.
“I won that conversation.” I tell Bill. Bill gives not a single speck of a fuck because he is a cat.
I pour more coffee and open the paper.
Time to start my day.
At 1 PM.
Shit.
'THE COMEDIAN'
ALLEN CHANEY
Years of Service
ALLEN CHANEY
Years of Service
Allen’s beard looks nice. Jen got him one of those fancy sandalwood beard combs and a set of beard oils so now his beard smells like fuckin orange oil and vanilla and shit sometimes. There’s getting to be a good amount of gray in that beard but it kinda makes him look distinguished.
ALLEN CHANEY: Yo, fuck the Bills.
I said ‘LOOK’ distinguished. It’s still Allen. We are in his office in his home in the KC Metro suburbs. Trophies of past accomplishments and title wins hung up on the walls.
Still no title in IWF.
ALLEN CHANEY: The Chiefs lost. I’ve decided to take how I feel about that out on Logan Sky in the ring. I mean, that really should be all I have to say at this point but I guess we’ll come back to that. Hi everyone, it’s Allen. I still got a briefcase and I’ve set the date but before I do that I have to beat Logan Sky.
A pause.
ALLEN CHANEY: I am worried.
Blank. No expression.
ALLEN CHANEY: This is my worried face. As I sit here envisioning a future where Ollie and I collectively have the World Title, the Gladiator Title, and the Tag belts… it would be a mistake on my part to look past the challenger for my Briefcase. Logan Sky. A guy I have beaten a bunch of times. It’d also be a mistake not to acknowledge that I may not get the World Title match I want…well I guess ‘want’ is kind of an overstatement. If you think the idea of beating seven shades of shit out of Caleb Cannin or even Roberto Verona again doesn’t make me feel a little flutter in my front-pants palace then you know very little about me and/or my solidly girthy penis but there’s only one potential opponent that gets me harder than playing the Elden Ring DLC while actively on fire and that’s my personal Freddie Prinze Jr. Paxxy. Go fucking get ‘em Champ. I’ll be watching.
Allen winks and blows a little kiss.
ALLEN CHANEY: Anyway, let’s talk about Logan Sky. I know what a lot of you are expecting me to talk about when it comes to Logan Sky but frankly those jokes are too easy.
We briefly smashcut to Allen standing outside of the Union Station fountain in Kansas City speaking into a megaphone.
ALLEN CHANEY: TOO EASY LIKE YOUR FUCKING MOM.
Smashcut back to his office.
ALLEN CHANEY: Granted I’m not usually above easy jokes but let’s just pretend I’m that kind of guy for a second. Logan. Hey. I fully understand that these jokes about your age can’t feel good and I’m not even going to do any this time instead I am respectfully going to ask you a simple question.
A deep breath.
ALLEN CHANEY: What the fuck you gonna do about it? You can piss and moan about the way the younger generation treats you all fuckin day and night but if you can’t still hang then it’s like Shakespeare said. Sound and fury. Signifying nothing. Bet you weren’t expecting any Macbeth today, huh?
A pause.
ALLEN CHANEY: Logan, do you think I don’t get it? Because dude…I get it. My knees make popping and clicking noises and sometimes that hurts but sometimes it feels good and it’s a complete coin flip which one you’re gonna get which I guess is a blessing when you consider knee injuries damn near ended my career. You think it didn’t used to hurt my fat little feelings when people would talk about my weight? You don’t like being made fun of for being old. Valid. Totally valid. You still gotta show up and fuckin fight and if you aren’t going to use that anger for anything useful and still get punked out by 20 year olds fresh outta wrestling school then WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOIN HERE, MAN? If they still hit harder than you then all you’ve done is validate their fucking point. Where’s all that wisdom you’re supposed to have by now, my guy? Getting old enough to have learned everything really only works out if you can still fucking remember it.
Allen pulls back. He meant it when he said he wasn’t going to take cheap shots about Logan’s age and he meant it and he felt that kinda starting to skirt the line.
ALLEN CHANEY: I don’t give a shit how old you are. You’ve been in the ring with me enough to know what I’m capable of and you’re still gonna show up as far as I know so I want to believe that you’re showing up because you still got a shot and not because you’re just going through the motions or trying to Randy ‘The Ram’ Robinson your way to clocking out early.
Fuck it, we ball.
ALLEN CHANEY: Show up to that ring and hit me and make it fucking hurt you old bitch. Take a few fucking years off of me. I’m not usin ‘em. If you think you can make the case for yourself in the ring instead of bitching about a few fuckin broken hip, Viagra, and LifeAlert jokes then I’ma stick my chin out and let you take a fuckin swing.
Allen leans forward and actually sticks his chin out, patting it a few times for emphasis.
ALLEN CHANEY: You want to be treated with respect? Dope. I get that… but I’m not gonna bullshit you. We aren’t gonna sit here and pretend that you’re just out there doing a great job all the time and the fact that you’ve got a few years on you isn’t a factor at all. You want my respect? It’s a point of pride that I don’t just hand that shit out. I’d probably have a few IWF Title belts on my wall if I could convincingly fake respecting people who didn’t earn it from me but nah, fam. My respect is earned and you ain’t there yet. I’m not gonna say you ain't close. I respect that you haven’t given up. I respect that you keep taking a beating and getting the fuck back up… but I don’t respect someone just waiting around for a ‘Years of Service’ Award when they’re capable of a “Lifetime Achievement Award’. Does that resonate with you? A Lifetime Achievement Award means you did great things. Things worthy of praise for future generations that they can look back at and learn from. A ‘Years of Service’ award means… Ya stuck around. We needed a guy here and you…occupied the space you were expected to for longer than most people did. Take your gold watch and fuck off. I don’t want that for you, dude. I genuinely don’t.
Allen shakes his head.
ALLEN CHANEY: I’m a Reject, man. That’s more than just a tag team name to sell some raccoon plushies. I was never supposed to be a success story and if you told me that there was a fucking multiverse of universes and that the one I was in is the only one where I didn’t end up as the Assistant Manager at the Sonic Drive-In I worked at after High School then I’d buy that. I got to be where I am today not just because I talked a bunch of shit on the people who said I wasn’t going to amount to anything. I put in the work at the open mics and the ring and I backed up everything I said and to this day I write a lot of checks running my big fucking mouth and I go to the bank and cash every single fuckin one of ‘em. The reason I’m saying this is because…
A deep breath.
ALLEN CHANEY: I think you’re a Reject, too… and to see you verbally fighting back against these jokes people are making at your expense only to get beat again and again and again it… fuckin sucks, man. It sucks to watch and I imagine it can’t feel all that great.
Allen picks up his ‘Joker in the Pack’ briefcase so we can see it on-camera and holds it in front of him.
ALLEN CHANEY: You ain’t takin this from me, but I’m eager to see you try. I’m eager for you to fight me free of the excuses you have burdened yourself with… and when I beat you? If you fought me like Hell? I will offer you my hand and there won’t be not a drop of condescension coming from me. From that moment on? You need me, Ollie, or Rocky to have your back? We got you. Because Rejects stick together. Just…
A pause.
ALLEN CHANEY: …Show me something. Now if you don’t mind. I’m gonna go knock over my neighbor's ladder while he’s on the roof and make it look like an accident. Setup. Punchline.
Hard cut to black.
“You don’t stop laughing when you grow old, you grow old when you stop laughing.”
-George Bernard Shaw
-George Bernard Shaw
Well howdy there pardner.